Let’s play a game
Tonight my non-cyber friends and I (we call ourselves “B and the other initials”) plan to go out and paint the town a dull-burgundy shade. This means that thanks to my year-long hangovers , I will most likely will spend the rest of the weekend lying in the fetal position and crying out for my Mommy.
Therefore, I want to wish you all a happy and eventful weekend, and for those of you who have no plans, allow me to introduce you to an entertaining yet informative game I call “Getting to Know Your Friends”.
If you’d like to play this game interactively at home, here’s how:
1) Score yourself an invite to a friends/co-workers/potential friend or co-worker’s house for dinner (or some other event where they are forced to let you into their home)
2) At some point during the evening ask to use the washroom in their Master bedroom (tell host you suffer from stagefright and require extra privacy, or something along those lines)
3) While inside, turn on the tap (to drown out any noise), then open up the medicine cabinet
4) Make a mental list of all of their prescription drugs/personal items
5) Turn off the tap, courtesy-flush the toilet and get out before they start questioning your prolonged absence
6) Go home and assess list. Deem each item as “Normal” or Not Normal”, then tally the results to come up with an overall friendship compatibility grade.
Anything above a C is considered a pass mark and signifies that the friendship can continue on as normal. Anything below would be considered grounds for re-assessment of relationship.
Since my friend/roomate was out, I didn’t need the dinner invite and was able to take my time perusing her medicine cabinet. I even took a picture of it to show you all how the game is played. However, since I would rather not get my ass kicked, from now on I will refer to her by the alias ”K”.
Here is K’s cabinet:
Medicine cabinet in K's bathroom
The following was my assessment:
Pepto-Bismol/Tums- Normal. Both are mandatory over-the-counter medications for anyone living in a Country that is known for its poutine
Acetamenophin/Ibuprofen- Normal. Mandatory for the mornings I scream at her to put me out of my misery after waking up to a pounding headache and a bag of Doritos on my chest (thanks to a night out with “B and the other Initials”)
Muscle Relaxants- Not Normal/Normal. There seems to be enough here to knock out a good-sized Stallion, however since Krimberley leads a very active lifestyle–she plays soccer, field hockey, and is on a curling team–this makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is that she’s also heterosexual.
Ex-Lax- Normal (see Pepto-Bismol/Tums)
Pedi-Egg- Normal (God’s gift to those of us whodo run in inappropriate footwear)
Vick’s Vapo-Rub- Normal (see Pedi-Egg)
To be honest, the only things I found somewhat disconcerting were the three bottles of nasal spray sitting on the middle shelf. I couldn’t figure out why anyone would need three bottles, since last time I checked we only have only two nostrils. Because I have never used the stuff myself (I prefer good old kleenex soft-packs), rather than making a rash judgement call on my friend, I decided to call my sister–who just graduated from Nursing–to find out if I should be concerned.
My sister told me these sprays are called anti-histamines, and are used by people who suffer from allergies. She also asked me if I had ever heard of minding my own business, but I didn’t take it personally seeing as she’s always had a weird thing about personal space.
Anyway, I am giving Kim K an overall grade of B+, she seems to have all of the essentials displayed in an organized manner and nothing overly creepy which would cause guests using her private bathroom to high-tail it out of there.
I am still concerned she may be using the Dristan and Otrivin as a gateway drug, but I will keep an eye on her in the next few months and note any changes in her behavior.
hmm..i’ll need to think on this one.
I’m going to tell Kim what you’ve been up to. I also think you planted the Ex-lax. You are no longer welcome in my home…at least not without constant supervision – stage fright or no stage fright!
Hi Grannypants,
Although I would love to take credit for the “wacky” idea of planting something that relieves constipation in the same room where it would normally be relieved, unfortunately I’m not that brilliant.
But I do hope you’ll reconsider, I’d sure miss the ribbon candy and jellied salads.
Seems like a pretty normal med cabinet…know lots of folks that used nasal spray to keep their head clear even with a cold….isnt it weird that you judge them on their med cabinet..wouldnt their dressers be more telling…No dont even think about it!!!..zman sends
Nice to see you Zman!
I always think you can get to know a lot about someone based on their prescription meds.
To be honest I did think of the dresser idea, but after opening K’s and ending up in prophylactic shock for almost a week I realized it might be better if I stuck to the cabinet.
Thanks for stopping by,
Bschooled
Dear goodness gracious great balls of fire B,
You know that pornography is a matter of geography.
And what I mean by that, is that different environments encourage / forbids different taboos.
In this case, what if I happen to live in say..an Oregon trailer park? Wouldn’t Meth be the equivalent of Pepto Bismol?
Something to ponder about, I hope.
Frankelstache
This is deep, Frankelstache…on so many levels.
Not only is this something I was discussing with my friends at the bar (although we used easier to understand words and added the occasional, well-placed F-bomb), it brings up a good point. “The Norm” depends on how a person is raised, their environment, their social surroundings and other stuff I can’t talk about right now because I ended up switching from beer to hard alcohol last night even though I promised myself I wouldn’t because I haven’t drank in months and am so hungover I need to go throw up again.
LOSTL!
Ive only been to timmy’s place and he doesnt have a medicine cabinet. he DOES have a lot of medications that he says are “anti anxiety” meds to keep him from hurting lots of people. My other friend Rick, ive never really been to his house before, just out the front.
I give them both A+’s for being my friends!
You can also have an A+ as well for being great!
Bob
Bob! Good to see you! I was wondering how that date of yours went, I ‘ll have to stop by…
It sounds like Timmy’s medications are similar to the ones my cousin takes. He’s a super nice guy, but when he forgets to take them…well, let’s just say he puts the “hit” in bat shit.
Anyway it sounds like Timmy and Rick both deserve an A+ for being your friend, Bob.
And I’m giving you an A+ for being great as well!
Looking forward to hearing about your date…
LOSTL! it was a disaster as you well know!
Timmy says his medication is because he thinks too much. Hes a super-hacker-computer-man or something. He did say that hes never really HURT anyone, he just gets jumpy, LOSTL!
hes so great. Just like you!
Bob
haha… that’s a fun game! I only have Vicks Vaporub and a reassuring amount of S8 drugs in my cabinet
I would pay big dollars to analyze your cabinet nursemyra.
Then again I probably couldn’t handle it, seeing as I’m usually all talk anyway.
Dude, I’m never letting you come to my house, ever. But this was HILARIOUS. It’s nice that her shelf seems to be relatively clean. Unlike mine.
Hi Spamwarrior!
I trust when you say “shelf”, you are referring to the apparatus holding the products, and not speaking metaphorically. Only because I would feel a little awkward about responding.
As for the “shelf” shelf, yes, she does do a good job of keeping it clean. But the maid helps.
Hope to see you again,
Bschooled
PS. I must say I enjoyed reading your blog…
You are proving a real service here bschooled and anyone who says otherwise is a perpendicular ten cent plague with a penchant for making love to jersey cows sprinkled in Kraft™ goat cheese and dressed in daisy chains, radish roses, black olives and parsley bouquets.
But please don’t quote me on that as there is a daisy cow next door that I’m trying to get to know. She’s “udderly” delightful. Sorry for the pun but it’s Saturday and I just spent the last hour talking with my other neighbour the hairy nosed wombat about the state of the Calgary Stampede. We both agree that it’s a dismal one…
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, thanking you for the service you are providing. It is important that we really truly get to know our friends and examining the contents of their medicine cabinet is one of the many ways we can achieve this divine goal. I’ve always preferred the more standard approach of routing their garbage, but I’m something of a traditionalist that way.
For the record, I just went through my cabinet. You’ll be pleased to know I deem it exceptionally normal.
Bottle of Doc Brockington’s Spermalizer — (normal) we all need more spermalizer in our diet. I also rub it into my eyeballs also. Helps improve my weltanschauung.
A monkey (exceptionally normal) His name is Mr. Hairy Hans. One day I hope to buy him cymbals and pants.
16 cans of tuna fish normal damn it! I use tuna as a shaving cream substitute. My dad did and so did his dad before him, and so on…
Autographed photo of Dante (Almost scarily normal) Not because he was an okay poet but because he had neat hair.
Taco shells (so incredibly normal it’s almost boring) Better than a toothbrush!
Soap on a Pope (Normal as hell) Who needs a rope when you got the pope?
Well, Alan, I must say this list cheered me up. Unfortunately I am suffering from post-Stampede Festivitis, and was feeling a little “woe is me”. Not to be confused with “woah, is me?”, which is how I felt this morning after waking up with cowboy boots on (although I don’t own cowboy boots), my hand stuck in the bottom of a cylinder tube of Original Pringles (fortunately my roomate was able to pry it off or I’d still be waiting in the ER), and numerous business cards from men I don’t recall with comments like “Can’t wait till Tuesday!” and “Call me so we can do that thing we said we were going to do…” written on the back.
Anyway, where were we? Oh, right, your cabinet. As far as I can tell you are completely normal. Here’s why:
-You should never neglect your weltanschuauung
-Nowadays everyone and their dog has a monkey (or a monkeydog, thanks to advancements in genetic engineering)
-16 cans of tuna fish is way more normal than 17 cans of tuna fish
-Who wouldn’t covet Dante’s ability to rock a laurel crown?
-Thanks to pope on a rope, you can cleanse both your spiritual and mental body at the same time
Therefore, Alan, I too will vouch for your exceptional normalcy as well. If you need a voucher, that is…
Interesting Bs and oddly disturbing. BTW, Dante had a mullet…Business in front, party in the back.
You mean oddly disturbing in a perfectly normal way, right FJ? Just had to clarify…
I heard Dante decided on the mullet later on, after tree branches became so last-Century. I got the feeling he wasn’t all that pleased with it, though.
Even so much life hath the poor tress of hair
Which, stor’d apart, is all love hath to show
For heart-beats and for fire-heats long ago;
That’s the same thing I say to my hairdresser when I’m pissed.
Hah! It sounds like you have a stampede full of fun. My Uncle Caligula always said “The less you remember, the better the time you had. Now on with the orgy!”
Damn Pringle cans.
bschooled…
I do need a voucher. More specifically, I need someone to vouch for me. Wow, thanks for offering!
It would be just swell if you could vouch for the following “facts.”
1. You saw me last Friday between 8.11pm and 8.23pm. I was standing by myself minding my own business. Oh, and I didn’t look suspicious.
2. To the best of your knowledge, I have never owned a goalie mask, red rubber ball, or a merkin.
3. I once told you that I thought drug testing at work was one of the greatest ideas ever conceived. According to your recollection, you definitely recall me saying that I thought it was “immaculately super keen!”
4. You’d be willing to vouch (oh, and admit in a court of law) that I have nothing against the Kiwanis and/or Shriners.
5. You know for a 100% fact that I have no gang affiliations in Moose Jaw.
This is really helpful of you. Considering you don’t know me… Oh wait, no, hah, we’ve known each other for years (nudge wink)… That’s right, yeah, years… (We need to get our stories straight… Well, you need to get my story straight in order to vouch for me.)
Thanks again for helping out a brother. You rule school. If you ever wake up and find your foot stuck in the bottom of a cylinder tube of Original Pringles, I can help. I know a guy. And I can vouch for him.
Good luck on Tuesday with doing that thing you said you’d be doing. I’d bring jellybeans. But that’s me… I bring them everywhere.
Should the need ever arise, Alan, you can count on me (nudge, half-wink, alcohol-withdrawal shake).
I just hope they don’t ask me to take a polygraph. The only thing I remember looking at between the minutes of 8:11 and 8:23pm last Friday was the bottom of a bottle o’ moonshine. Well, that and a bunch of guys holding lassos, who were wearing nothing but a few strategically placed spurs and enormous belt buckles that read “Huge Western Rodeo Cock Fighting” on the front (which, for some unknown reason seemed funny at the time).
And let me tell you one thing, being on the wrong side of a noose isn’t as exciting as it sounds (lesson learned). But that’s neither here nor there.
Like I said, Alan, I’m here for you. I always make it a point to help out my brothers from another mother…or my mothers from another brother, depending on the situation. Unless they’re Kiwanis/Shriners, that is.
Damn Kiwani-style Shriners.
oh…who doesnt love party games? I saw this done once on hidden cam and the host had filled the entire medicine cabinet with marbles. OOOOOPS. Maybe they were just looking for some TP in there.
haha! I would totally get busted if someone did that to me. It’s the first place I look for TP.
Good evening Miss Bschooled.
There was a time back in the 70′s when I shared my medicine cabinet with my next door neighbour (the cabinet opened on both sides – one side in his apartment and one in mine). I’d go looking for my Right Guard deoderant, open the cabinet and there he’d be…his ugly mug staring right back at me. And always yelling “Hi Guy!” at me like some kind of god damned maniac.
I’m pretty sure that was me anyway. It sounds familiar. Hard to say, we used a lot of aerosol deoderant back in those days and the fumes could get to you a little.
Anyway…after that, I started to keep my Lanacane and dental floss stuffed in my mattress next to my life savings.
You don’t get much more normal than that.
All the best, bschooled.
Don Mills
Don,
How strange…my Mom used to tell me about the dreamy older man down the street who had the same problem. She used to go on and on about his thick head of shiny black hair and the bright red towel adorning his shoulders in a sports-minded fashion.
I would put two and two together and assume you must have been “the” dreamy older man she was referring to, from what I remember his wife’s name was Mona, not Aggie. I guess the funny thing is that when I was young, I thought this man had cheated on his wife and was my real father. But now I’m pretty sure it was actually “Hi Guy”, since Mom gets overly annoyed every time I greet her in that manner.
Anyway, good call on the mattress, Don. At your age the medicine cabinet doesn’t say much about you anyway, it’s the pantry/lazy susan that speaks volumes.
“Bye guy!”,
bschooled