B’s Unique Greeting Cards
July 14, 2009
So I hear you’re in a cover band for a cover band
I find you repulsive, but in a good way
I always dreamt of the day I’d marry my meal ticket
You make “Partnered Manual Genital Stroking to Orgasm” sound so romantic
If I wanted your opinion, I’d Google it
I’d call you a pylon, but then I’d be insulting pylons
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“Clymidia can be cured with penicillin,
Next time use a rubber when we be chillin’ ”
JC
Mr. Cockram,
Do you speak to the girls co-starring in your hardcore porn films with that mouth?
Those are Supercalifragilisticexpialiconvo!
You’re Hallmark material! And that’s good news because the fiends at Hallmark are about to develop a new line of cards celebrating the following “New Events” (this means more money for the corporate fiends at Hallmark and a few extra pennies for the poor joke slingers and impoverished saccharine peddlers who write them).
Some of Hallmarks “New Events to Celebrate”
Congratulations On Your Latest Relapse (The marvelously benevolent fiends at Hallmark are looking for light and frothy material on the joys of what happens when those with addictions start up drinking and/or drugging again. One idea might be to have an image of someone falling off a wagon with a pithy slogan underneath. The theme here is “zany” The mandate: Just have fun.
Happy STD Day! (The marvelously benevolent fiends at Hallmark are looking for light and frothy material on the joys of syphilis, herpes, genital warts, and all other STDs. There is currently a shortage of “crabs” jokes. So think “crabs.” Note to submitting writers: Remember – keep your writing style earthy, airy, pithy, happy, dopey and doc.)
The “Martin” Series (The marvelously benevolent fiends at Hallmark are looking for light and frothy material based on a new and delightful character they’ve developed called Martin. Martin is a psychotic who has escaped from The Lloydminster Prison for The Criminally Insane. They’d like to incorporate a series of “kooky” gags about insanity, murder, mayhem and random violence.
A sample:
(image) Martin holds a large and sharp stone covered in blood. By his feet is a dead man
(inside text) Martin finally gets blood from a stone!
Thank you,
The Fiends from Hallmark
* Hallmark pays 50 cents per submission. Hallmark owns all creative rights as well as all rights to your mortal soul for perpetuity (Bwehahaha!). Hallmark requires a drug test. So, start taking lots of drugs now and chances are good you’ll pass!
HAH
Awesome.
JC
First of all, Alan, I must say that thanks to you my future career-options list has improved drastically.
“Saccharine peddlers—they don’t just cater to those preferring potential bladder cancer over a large waistline anymore!!”
I think you are on to something. In fact, this may be my ticket out of this one-horse town (add 12,324 to that total during Stampede). I mean, I can totally do zany, I’ve already done more than my share of Martins (not to mention Martys, Matts and Arts), and if we put a positive spin on STDs, there won’t be such a stigma attached to the idea of contracting them anymore!
Oh, and you didn’t know this, but Airy-Crustacean happens to be my middle name. My Mother was a hippie and my Dad was a big fan of Red Lobster (all you had to do was throw on a plastic bib on him and those all-you-can-eat bottom dwellers didn’t stand a chance).
PS. I do like the blood from a stone concept, Alan. As a matter of fact, I like all of your ideas. Let me know if you want to lose this Hallmark gig and collaborate on our own greeting card business…I’ll give you 10% of the take home and more background on STDs than you can shake a ten-foot pole at.
Hah!
Yet another onslaught of hilarity from the mirth maker that is bschooled… Sorry, I guess that should be “b Airy-Crustacean schooled” very eloquent!
I have a confession to make. I go to Red Lobster every night and hang around the lobster tank. When the families and their kids walk by, I notice that the kids always look a little afraid of the lobsters (fair enough, they ain’t pretty) so I always tell the kids, “Look at all the friendly lobsters. Aren’t they nice? There’s nothing to be afraid of. They’re silly lobsters. I named this one Larry! Oh, and look – there’s Louie the lobster. He barely has room to swim!”
The kids smile. It’s great to see an innocent child smile. Especially when I know that I’m responsible for putting that grin on their angelic faces.
Then I say. “Too bad you’re gonna kill Larry and Louie and then eat them. You sicken me.”
Recently I’ve been banned from Red Lobster.
Anyway…Your business proposal is intriguing. Clearly you’ve done some research. Your work with the Martin stuff (as well as your variations on a Martin theme), sound impressive and heroic. I have no qualms about your lack of zany. Let’s call that qualmless on the zany, and I’d like to learn more about the background of STDs. My only concern is my cut… Hah! (That sounds awful. Oh Matron!) Seriously, I’m referring to your proposed offer that I get a mere 10% of the take home… Although I do need a ten-foot-pole. Throw it in and we have a deal.
See? I knew we were kindred spirits! I do the same thing, only at KFC. I bring along this book https://www.popular.com.sg/images/product/book/56149.jpg and read it to the kids while their parents are placing their orders. Just as the family goes to sit down, I whisper in the children’s ears that I hope they enjoy stuffing their faces with what’s left of Chicken Little.
Then I get the hell out of there with my 2-piece snack pack (white meat only) before Security comes.
Personally, I think kids take life to seriously. Like come on, miniature people, learn to take a joke!!
Anyway, I don’t actually have the ten-foot pole, it’s just a reference I heard someone use when I was enlightening them on my extensive STD background. But I will definitely find you one, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! And if we missed this gravy train…well, let’s just say I’d be so sore I’d probably erupt ( oh, that sounds awful too. Oh, Patron!)
Hah!
Yet another onslaught of hilarity from the mirth maker that is bschooled… Sorry, I guess that should be “b Airy-Crustacean schooled” very eloquent!
I have a confession to make. I go to Red Lobster every night and hang around the lobster tank. When the families and their kids walk by, I notice that the kids always look a little afraid of the lobsters (fair enough, they ain’t pretty) so I always tell the kids, “Look at all the friendly lobsters. Aren’t they nice? There’s nothing to be afraid of. They’re silly lobsters. I named this one Larry! Oh, and look – there’s Louie the lobster. He barely has room to swim!”
The kids smile. It’s great to see an innocent child smile. Especially when I know that I’m responsible for putting that smile on their angelic faces.
Then I say. “Too bad you’re gonna kill Larry and Louie and then eat them. You sicken me.”
Recently I’ve been banned from Red Lobster.
Anyway…Your business proposal is intriguing. Clearly you’ve done some research. Your work with the Martin stuff (as well as your variations on a Martin theme), sounds impressive and heroic. I have no qualms about your lack of zany. Let’s call that qualmless on the zany, and I’d like to learn more about the background of STDs. My only concern is my cut… Hah! (That sounds awful. Oh Matron!) Seriously, I’m referring to your proposed offer that I get a mere 10% of the take home… Although I do need a ten-foot-pole. Throw it in and we have a deal.
Deja vu?
Damn wordpress…
That, and my oddly weird and weirdly odd desire to say everything twice. Twice I tell you! Just call me the Jacob Two Two (or Jacob Tutu) of the internet. The internet, I say.
Awww, that sweet little Eggbert chicken Jpeg looks like he was just made to be beheaded, disemboweled, chopped up, battered up and deep fried down. So cute! I like your style, by the way. And yes, the problem with three year olds today is that they have no sense of humour. And don’t know how to roll tobacco… Hmmm, I’ll let the old guy finish that off when he gets back from his fishing trip.
Anyway, ha! the ten foot pole. It would be great if you could cover it in gravy when you send it along. Sorry about the last minute changes, but I can be a hard bargainer. (Oh matron and patron!)
Damn that old guy. If he hadn’t decided to make the most of his time left on earth I’d be sitting here rolling smokes as we cyber-speak.
I do miss him a little, though. Maybe I’ll send him a telegram…do you know if he’s fishing near that River they named after him? If so, I have an Uncle that lives in Hoggs Hollow who could probably deliver it…
Then again, he’d probably be back by the time my Uncle got there, that man is slower than molasses.
Oh well, wherever he is, I just hope he has access to a comfy rocking chair and ottoman.
Woot! I see you know about the first planned community. You should visit this slower than molasses uncle of yours. If he’s a resident of Hoggs Hollow then he is richer than Croesus. (FYI: I’m referring to Croesus Papadopoulos, he owns a chain of Greek Restaurants and also lives in Hoggs Hollow.)
I have an uncle who lives in Lloydminster… In its Prison for The Criminally Insane. Sweet man. Tends to wave his arms at bats that don’t exist. But I find it kind of a loveable trait.
Okay…
Press submit and into the spam filter I go to see Miley Cyrus nude… shudders
I do not like wordpress and spam,
I do not like them, Alan I am
We all do that around here, Alan.
Why pay money to sweat at a gym
When there’s a cheap and fun way to get you trim
What do you do when you start feeling fat?
Just wave your hands at the imaginary bat!
(flying bat sounds in the background)
Some people see it as a loveable trait
And it’s a fun way to burn all those calories you ate
So when your Doctor asks you where your head is at
Say “Doc, I’m just waving at the imaginary bat!”
(fade to bat)
ps. I may have fixed the problem. I told the moderators that although we wouldn’t be singing with Hallmark, we would shun Blue Mountain as well. I hope that worked, a girl can only take so much pre-cooked chopped pork shoulder meat surrounded by a gelatinous glaze and packaged in a rectangular tin.
Ha! I’m ending up in your spam files! Hey, is that Viagra…? “V! How’s it going, dude?”
I know! What’s with that???
If it makes you feel any better, Htfklhjqs’s comments always end up in my spam too, and that guy is a comic genius.
In fact, one time he started going off about how my posts were very informative and he’d be bookmarking my site, and another time he said that WKUuVA [url=http://pemkutfpbaoa.com/]pemkutfpbaoa[/url], [link=http://igttahvwtjch.com/].
Seriously, it doesn’t get much better than that.
I think the moderators must be affiliated with Hallmark.
Ha!
Damn Hallmark
I do not like them, Spam I am…
I used to live in a big rubber room
And chase imaginary squirrels with my imaginary broom
But now I wear a top hat, tails and spats
And just for fun, I chase imaginary bats
PS: Just curious what’s the cut off point on Blue Mountain’s pre-cooked chopped pork shoulder meat surrounded by a gelatinous glaze and packaged in a rectangular tin? I have a number in my head. Not sure how it got there, but theses are my issues…
OMG! You used to live in my ideal Pringles container!
I hope the number isn’t eleventeen…
BECAUSE THEN WE’D BE TELEPATHIC!!!!
I knew you were gong to say that! Or I suspected you were. Or thoughts as much. Maybe it was more of a hunch… Or a theory, a working theory… Eleventeen is such an awesome number, why’d they ever have to get rid of it in the first place?
I am canned meat made largely from pork. I am what I spam.
STOP going in there, you are starting to give you a complex!!!
I have no idea why you are suddenly being spammed, yet the guy who asked me to join his sobriety.org group was listed as pending…
Hahahaha… It’s all York Mills fault.
LOSTL! those are some great greeting cards!
Im not talented to think of any myself, but id have to say something in haiku or even something like “I think you’re great! LOSTL!”
Oh wells, ill stick to what i know best, Acting!
Hooray!
Bob
My gift for greeting cards pales in comparison to your acting abilities, Bob. I just hope that once you do get your big break, you don’t forget the little people. Or the ginormous ones, either.
LOSTL!
Oh, Bob….
“Just thinking of our Partnered Manual Genital Stroking to Orgasm time together”
If Hallmark already has this I’ll just die.
You need to go into business. Do you think you could ship to me when/if you do? Because there are a few people begging for these.
I will for sure. I’ll even give you a preferred customer discount.
I’d like to order a dozen of that second card
For you, Nursemyra, I’ll send a baker’s dozen on the house