I no longer believe that…
-My parents walked uphill to school both ways
-All prostitutes are like Julia Roberts
-My first kiss was romantic
-Families who watch “Full-House” together have better communication skills
-My sister is adopted
My sister and I making Thanksgiving dinner
-I will one day marry Ricky Schroeder
-Mikey really liked Life cereal
-My face will freeze that way
-People would pay big bucks to read my diary
-Untamed Heart was based on a true story
-I have what it takes to be in the Mini-Pops
-I’m the punniest person I know
-Hooking my index fingers into the insides of my cheeks, pulling my lips as far apart as they will go, and then saying “I was born on a pirate ship” is the funniest shit ever
-Bobcat Goldthwait is a comic genius
-My first time was romantic
-Laughter is the best medicine when even when you have pneumonia
-It’s all about me
-It’s all about Joey McIntyre
-It’s all about me and Joey McIntyre
-It would be awesome to have a laugh track follow me around all day
-Pulling a paper clip apart and sticking it in my mouth doesn’t trick people into thinking I have braces
-Being a kid is as tough as it’s going to get
-Tela Tequila will find her true love
-My phone is bugged
-It would be cool to have removable teeth like Grandma
-Sergeants Rick Hunter and Dee Dee McCall would make the perfect couple
-If I had Progeria I would turn 18 faster
-Running six miles on a treadmill automatically qualifies me to kick-ass in a marathon (unless the marathon is only six miles and can be done on a treadmill)
-My life would make a great ”After-School Special”
-Playing “Eye-Spy With my Little Eye” will keep me as amused now as it did back then
-George Clooney will go straight from “The Facts of Life” to doing menial labour
-The number of cabbage batch dolls a girl owns is directly proportional to her future social status
-One person can’t make a difference
-The Romper Room lady was purposely not calling my name when she looked through her magic mirror
"Say my name, Dammit!"
-This list is therapeutic
i no longer believe in my government!
I no longer believe that if I was really persistent, I could teach my cat to talk.
If it’s any consolation Grannypants, I believe you could…
So you are giving up on Rick Schroeder, huh? That’s disappointing.
And the focus to do 6 miles on a treadmill is amazing. I lose balance and get zipped off the back. It has happened.
I know…I thought we were meant to be because even though he was a little older, he was born on April 13 and I was born on April 12. I mean what are the chances? Maybe one in 365…366 on leap years?
Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.
I do pride myself on my treadmill running skills. Once, there was a random girl at the gym who hopped on the treadmill beside me. I remember she was wearing denim shorts and a scrunchie in her hair, and I thought that was really weird. Anyway, I noticed she kept looking at my pace and then speeding hers up. I didn’t think much of it, but she kept doing it, and making it totally obvious. So I started increasing mine, just to see what would happen. Of course she did the same. Then, I started upping the incline just to see if she would as well.
All of a sudden I heard a huge ‘thud’, and she had fallen off the back. It was the funniest thing I ever saw.
This list is so funny!
I no longer believe reality television is real.
What do you mean, Kate?
I would never no longer believe that…unless Jillian chooses Kipton in the most intense rose ceremony ever, that is. Then I will never believe in true love ever again.
Such a beautiful list. I may have to borrow it and adjust it to my shattered beliefs.
Tell you what…I’ll give you my list if you give me crazy cat lady. It’s only fair.
Thanks for stopping by Megan,
bschooled
Oh my God… I just wrote an eerily similar lost, I mean, lust, I mean, lest, I mean last, I mean – list. (Whoa, talk about the ridiculously scenic route)
It’s scary how close – and yet fat – our lists were. Have you been reading my diary? Oh no, wait, I’ve been reading yours. That’s when I got my list idea.
Glad we clearned this up… I mean cleaped this up… I mean, cleared this up.
My list was called “Things I used to believe that I stopped believing, but then reconsidered believing and so ultimately started re-believing in”
-My parents floated on air to a non religious school that for reasons that baffled all, included flying nuns
-Julia Roberts is a whore and all prostitutes have hearts of gold – as long as they’re wasted on the junk
-My first kiss wasn’t from a girl named Hester who had just chugged a mickey of rum and smoked a pack of cigarettes. It was from Julia Roberts – who is a goddess and the most talented prostitute in North America
-Families who watch “Oh That Jason” together have better communication skills
-Your sister is adopted
-I will one day marry Julia Roberts’ hairdresser
-The Game of Life had nothing to teach us about real life
-Stealing Walt Disney’s head and freezing it wasn’t for the better of mankind
-People would pay big bucks to read my diary (cough)
-Abbot & Costello Meet the Mummy was based on a true story
-I have what it takes to be in the Pussycat Girls
-I’m the most equilibrium person I know
-Sticking my finger down my throat and vomiting freely isn’t as funny as at it used to be
-Shecky Green is a comic genius
-My first time with Julia Roberts’ maid was romantic
-Laughter is the best medicine for pneumatic tires
-It’s all about Mimi
-It’s all about Mimi Rogers
-It’s all about me, Mimi, and Mr. Rogers
-It would be awesome to have a sound track follow me around my bathroom
-Pulling a paper clip apart and sticking it in my mouth doesn’t trick people into thinking I have braces — says LOSTL!
-Old men should always say “hee hee”
-Tela Tequila will find have sex with me and Julia Roberts’ and maid.
-My phone makes crank calls when I leave the house
-It would be cool to have removable teeth like Lily Fossil
-Julia Roberts and I would make perfect coupling
-If I had Progeria I would describe a new technique to decipher the entire mitochondrial genomes from five rancid fruit bats.
-Running six miles on a treadmill gets me no closer to Julia Robert’s handmaidens
-The “After-School Special” that was based on my life was nothing but shameless fabrications
-Playing “Eye-Spy With my Little Eye” while masturbating will cause me to go blind
-George Clooney will steal Julia Roberts’ scullery girl from me
-Cabbage patch dolls taste nothing like cabbage
-Julia Roberts can’t make a difference
-The Romper Room lady was in cahoots with Mr. Dressup
-That I am done with my therapy
Alan? Is that you? What are you doing out of my spam folder? And why do you have that silly rectangular face on? I’ll never understand you ingenius vernacular wits…
First of all, are you calling my list fat?? Because it’s totally not, it just suffers from a glandular problem. And a passion for deep fried poutine, garnished in chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added, served in a delicious gelatinous glaze.
But thats it.
I must say that I think your list is the list to top all lists, even Lettermans top ten lists. It’s just so…listy.. I especially like numbers one through the rest of them.
I do notice a common theme, though…oh, wait…no I don’t. Nevermind.
One question. When you refer to prostitutes wasted on junk, you aren’t talking about junk in a trunk, are you? Because seriously, Alan, nobody gets drunk on booty…they get drunk and then booty…
“Fi-ah! That is what I’m on!!!”
Or maybe I’m not.
What do I know…my Uncle’s a freemason.
Hahaha, my ingenious vernacular wits appear to have gotten the best of me and transformed me from “Alan The Dog Faced Boy” into “Mr. Rectangular Head” it’s a sordid tale of woe, sex, greed and – murder!!!!!!
But I think my dog head should be back now.
Ha. No. Not “fat” I was going for “far”. That damn “r” key sits right beside the “t” key and their sole purpose in life is to make me look a total farhead… I mean fathead…
Damn ‘r’ key.
My list is but a pale imitation of your list. It wouldn’t exist without your list. Everything my list is it owes to your list. (And Julia Roberts’ handmaidens, ‘natch. Do you think she’ll ever go away?)
As for my prostitution confusion. Well, I’m all about confusion. My family crest’s motto is: Confusion, confusion, I got a contusion and while my allusions were to another type of junk, I give you a hearty cheer for your delightful “junk in the trunk” reference. And here is my hearty cheer…
Bee Hippity Hap Dee Ho!
Not to shabby in the hearty cheer department, I think. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just eaten 19 cheeseburgers and am feeling a little far…
PS: Too funny. Another sort of coincidence. My uncle is a mason jar!
Seriously, whenever you are a dog, you become spam. I notice a common theme…oh, wait…no I don’t. Nevermind.
You need to tell me when this tale of woe and murder hits theatres…I haven’t been this excited since Stella got her groove back! But you knew that.
Your Uncle is a Mason jar? Will wonders ever cease…
I for one sure hope they don’t, because I like the way the word wonders rolls off my tongue.
Maybe we should call it a draw, Alan. Lets put our lists together and turn them into one big, long list. One that could be in the Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum of lists. I have always wanted people to see my list and go “Holy cow! I totally don’t believe it!” and then have Dean Cain appear and say “Believe it, folks…it’s true”.
Not only is listing (not fisting) my shtick, I figure it would keep Mr. Cain in work since I haven’t seen him around lately.
I no longer believe Jenna Jamison and The Barefoot Contessa will create the perfect lovechild woman for me to marry.
I can’t believe you’d want a barefoot Jenna as a wife…think about all the diseases she’d have, walking around all shoeless and everything…
Untamed Heart isn’t based on a true story???
*sob*
My 14 year old heart just broke.
I know. I saw Christian Slater in a movie years later and I was like wtf??? How long do guys with baboon hearts live for, anyway?
Thanks for stopping by, M,
bschooled
I no longer believe that believe is spelled beleive.
I no longer believe that adding a ‘y’ at the end of your blog name would necessarily make it any funnier. “That’s a 10-4 good buddy.”
I’m sure it says somewhere that you aren’t allowed to be gifted in both photography and wit, FJ. That’s just being selfish.
I don’t beleive it says that anywhere.
I no longer believe…
that 38 is old!!!
The old man next door is out to get me
OR that his dog can eat little children
Really loud music is cool
My dad’s 78 Gran Torino is an old person’s car
I will live forever or that I am invincible
The funny things I did when I was a kid are funny Now!!!
Being seen hugging my parents is geeky!!!
Great Idea…great post..thanks for making me smile today….Zman sends
I no longer believe in making lists.
good one!
Thanks Lynn:)
Hee hee…
I no longer believe that flying cats are vegetarians. Now that I’ve got my medication sorted out, that is.
Whoopee!
Hee hee hee…
Oh, York! You zany, whimsical, incoherently delirious breath of fresh yet heavily-medicated air…what am I going to do without you? What have you done without you?
I sure will miss your big smile and your thought-provoking, why-the-hell-do-I-even-try-to-figure-it-out commentary around here. Promise me you’ll keep in touch? I know it’s strange, but even though I’ve only known you a short while, it’s almost like I consider you to be a part of my extended family now.
Which means I’ll probably be getting a hold of you to borrow some money soon.
Remember, York, its people like you who make people like me realize they are going to one day become people like you. And you know what? I’m cool with that!
Hee hee indeed!
YWBBFFIIWFD,
Bschooled:)
If it makes you feel nostalgic, Rick (as he is known now) Schroeder went to my church when I lived in LA. I could probably dig up his address if you want to change your mind…
Rick (as he is known now) Schroeder went to my church when I lived in LA. I could probably dig up his address if you want to change your mind…
Aw, thanks Pammy…unfortunately I decided that looking back means holding myself back.
Besides, I’m probably too old for him now.
That damn romper room lady never said my name either. I would dance in front of the tv just waiting for her to say, “I see Claire” but she never did. I mean, c’mon… how could she not see me jumping around screaming, “look at me!”
After that first episode, I never watched her again in protest.
I know! I kept yelling “How can you not see me? I’m like six inches from your face!!”
Thanks for stopping by Claire!
Bschooled:)
Tila Tequila has already found her true love. Herself.
“-Pulling a paper clip apart and sticking it in my mouth doesn’t trick people into thinking I have braces — says LOSTL!”
HAH!
If only that were true, Alantru.. yeah.. i went there..
I believe that if my exploits were published, my book would be banned in all 50 states. But it STILL wouldnt be as awesome as American Psycho by Bret Ellis.
JC
Wow, JC…I never noticed this before, but you have quite upper-torso/cowboy hat on you…
If your exploits were all in picture form, I am sure you’d have the entire 35-60 year-old lonely and looking female demographic fighting to get their hands on your stuff…
Pssst… your phone is still being bugged!
I no longer believe “Foolish Beat” by Debbie Gibson is the greatest song ever written.
Excuse my curse-acronyms, GP, but WTF are you talking about??
I could never love again the way I loved you
Oh, I could never cry again like I did when I left you
And when we said goodbye
Oh the look in your eyes just left me beside myself without your heart
I could never love again now that we’re apart
I could never love again now that we’re apart
Seriously, nobody has the talent to write love songs like that anymore. Not even Akon.
I admire your courage on carrying on, because it seems to me your whole world view must have collapsed.
Thanks Bill.
I couldn’t have done it without my strong support network and my determination to “keep powering through”.
Thanks for stopping by,
Bschooled