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Tort Laws
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Child Protective Custody
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Live Action Role Play
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Convo Re: Convo
 | elizabeth3hersh on Lonely Planet, indeed. |
 | Nikki B on Lonely Planet, indeed. |
 | bschooled on Lonely Planet, indeed. |
 | robyn on Lonely Planet, indeed. |
| bschooled on Lonely Planet, indeed. |
Oh my…. You are a genius. I’d always heard about the joys of sex as enhanced by the use of a paper bag, but who knew about the possible permutations.
She does not look as pleased as one might have hoped for.
Thanks DF, but I think genius might be pushing it…although I did take a free online IQ test once and it told me I was only 7 points away from Mensa qualification. It also said that for an extra $49.95, they would find a way to qualify me. However once I found out what a Mensa actually was, I didn’t bother. Not to be rude or anything, but those guys are total lame-asses.
I know what you mean, though. I thought she’d be more excited as well…seriously, it’s not often a lady wearing a neckerchief/cameltoe ensemble gets groped in public like that.
(Trust me, I know)
neckerchief… didn’t know that was even a word.
Funny you don’t strike me as the neckerchief/cameltoe type.. Do you always do it in polyester plaid and pointy bras?
Let’s not bring up the past, DF.
These days I’m not a cameltoe lover, I’m an eradicator…
(the neckerchief can stay, though…covers those unslightly “love bites”)
A neckerchief on a woman (or an ascot on a man) is fabulous to begin with, but combined with a groping/possible sexual assault by a man in an ‘Outbreak’ contamination suit is a sight to behold. This was obviously taken in the late 60’s before scientists realized that germs could in fact crawl up your legs and bite your junk.
That looks like one hell of a house party. I know Mr. Z-Cavaricci is loving life right now. Two beautiful GILFS and plenty of booze. He might be wishing that he didn’t slip granny #2 the roofie though. Unless he’s an emetophiliac, then it’s all just that much better.
Unfortunately, we are strongly opposed on tort laws. I say if he wants to drink a fifth of Wild Turkey, strap on a couple fentanyl patches, and go out like a king of rock and roll, then that’s terrific for the gene pool.
The book ‘He Touched Me’ and Child Protective Custody are both very close to my heart and my groin. You can’t really blame whoever touched him though; the boy is irresistible. Looks like a young Ricky Schroder. Who was also touched by a young Kirk Cameron by the way. But that’s hardly discussed anymore since Kirk has turned his will and his life over to God. I personally think Kirk took the whole religion thing a little too far, but that’s why they call me a heathen.
And speaking of religion (what a perfect segway. I don’t mean the scooter thing; I mean the ‘lead in’ thing. But if someone bought me the scooter thing, I’d really love it because it would save all that unnecessary moving of my legs and feet.) Where in the hell was I? Oh yea, if that dude can turn that fish into 500 (?) fish and feed all the orphans, then that is a play I’d pay good (after bad) money to see. What the hell kind of name is ‘Live Action Role’ for a play anyway? Great theme/ shitty title.
Great job as always B!
HA!
Scott, believe it or not (again, “not” isn’t an option), this is the very first time I’ve come across the term GILF. You’d have though with my “acronym-inventing” abilities, I’d have come up with it immediately after inventing the acronyms “AILF” (Aunt) and “FMSILF” (Friends Moms-Sister). Technically they both mean the same thing, but what can I say…sometimes I just like to “kick things up a notch”.
Your mention of Ricky Schoroeder brings back memories of my first “loin-quiverage”. In fact when I was young, I made a vow that Ricky would be the first guy to “deflower” me.
But after a while I grew tired of constantly writing “Hey Ricky, still waiting to be deflowered by you…what’s the deal?” letters, only to get no response. So I gave up.
Now I’ve moved on to Pacey from Dawson’s Creek. (I hope he gets back to me soon, I don’t know how much longer I can hold out)
Anyway, what was the point of my story?
Regardless, you are right. “Live Action Role” is definitely not a good name for a play of this caliber. I’m going to suggest he change it to “Mildly-Cacataleptic and Sedentary Role” play. That way more people will be able to relate…
Ha! Ha!
Much like failure, ‘not’ has never been an option for me; not drinking, not gambling, not plagiarizing, etc…. I love both your acronyms, and will use them (both the acronyms and the AILF’s and FMSILf’s themselves) repeatedly and relentlessly. I’ve always drawn many parallels between you and Emeril. Not the overweight Italian part, the ……BAM part. It’s just what you do, and you do it well.
I was wondering if Ricky still makes your loins go all aquiver? While he is still a talented actor (albeit with a surly disposition), I feel he may have lost some of his boyish good looks. If you still fancy him, I think that you’d have a better than average shot right about now!
I love the new name, but given my never-shut-the-fuck-up nature I would expand it to “Mildly-Cacataleptic, Non-Ambulatory, and Sedentary Role”……The Play!! Think about it, you don’t have to decide right now.
I’m so glad you’ve decided to give the AILF’s and FMSILF’s of the world a chance, Scott. Serously, it’s like opening the door to a whole other demographic of “possibilities”. (at least that’s what I’ve learned from my studies at the “Prestigious School of Tannerleah”).
Unfortunately Ricky no longer does it for me anymore. As I was telling Don, my new loin-quiverage is Zac Efron. However, after looking at some pictures the other day, I realized that it’s only a matter of time before either Maddox or one of those Beckham boys takes over the title.
And just so you know, I love that new name even more!! But thanks for not making me decide right now..given my indecisiveness and incessant waffling traits, it would most likely push me over the edge.
And not in a good way.
Oh, Scott.. surely not grannies? Though, wait, I technically qualify as a granny and I think I’m way hot….so, maybe …
You are definitely “way hot” DF.
Even having only seen your feet, I can pretty much guarantee that “you’ve got it going on…”
I’m agree with Bschooled here DF, based on your avatar and your feet, you are definitly way hot!
Hey, did you sneak into the Belle Family photo album?! Damn it, I told you to never use my super duper secret password unless you were desperate for post ideas!! “House Parties,” indeed!
:lol:
B, just when I think you cannot top yourself… Well, let’s say these remarkable images are NOTHING to my semi-nude cowboy and his can of mystery oil.
I need to go and clean my mind now…
April,
Trust me, your “Semi-Nude Cowboy and his Can of Mystery Oil” can definitely hold his own. In fact, he’s the reason I’ll never look at my Uncle Hank the same way again…
And if those are the kind of parties that go on in the Belle household, sign me up for the Christmas festivities. there’s just something about inebriated Seniors/Rockabillies that really makes me want to “get my party on”…:)
I’m a bit concerned with the young guy in the second photo. I believe there are some bets going on in the background. It looks like he’s getting himself prepared for when the old gals are greased up and ready to go. One, I believe, it already there. He must be contemplating whether he’s going to go through with it or whether to escape quickly before he regrets ever making the bet in the first place. The odds were against it, but those gals will show him who the real sissy is!
Good call, Ynb!
I think you might be right…looks like the Kentucky waterfall is about to find out who is (Mama’s) Mama is…
(now that I think about it, I would probably be vomiting too if I was in that poor woman’s sensible shoes)
Once again, Bschooled, you have touched a common flashback within us all (or just me).
Sure, we have all seen our grandmother groped by men in outdated radiation gear, or swarthy young eurotrash making moves on her for a shot at citizenship (the flag in the background was a giveaway). We have all seen the young men in suits, and a horrible axe to grind with certain clergy members. We have all felt emarrassment for another struggling rock artist who took “Country Joe and the Fish” quite literally. And God only knows, how many times have we broken a toilet, while checking for tiny space men hiding under the paper roll?!? HOW MANY TIMES, B?!? HOW MANYYY TIIIIIIIIIIIMES!?!?!?!
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out . . .
Alrighty then. Time for those lunchtime meds! Keep rocking and practice those scales! Get it, SCALES?!
Sorry B! Enlightened as always!
Invasive1,
I’m guessing from the caps lock and excessive use of the letter “I”, that you were asking a non-rhetorical question. Therefore I will do my best to answer it.
Although I myself have ended up in this same exact position more times than I care to remember (or do, in fact, remember), I wasn’t looking for tiny space men, per se. I was actually looking under the stall, trying to ask my neighbor to the right of me where she got her “kick-ass leather ankle-boots” or other style of fashionable footwear.
It’s what I do…(or did, rather)
Thankfully I usually wake up with no recollection of the encounter, just a debilitating migraine and a tube of Pringles that somehow always ends up stuck to my arm.
To each his own, I guess.
Oh and don’t be sorry, Invasive1. Your flashbacks are the kind of entertainment the whole family (minus the kids) can enjoy…
b:)
You’re always the calming voice of reason, B; the worldly Jack Nicholson in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, pointing the way for our therapy group. Just don’t ever let me miss “medication time”. Thanks.
Don’t worry Invasive1, I won’t.
Speaking of which….
Tks for picture #1, Bs! I’ve been looking all over the place for a picture of Ku Klux Klan to post on my next post. This one is perfect. Do you have any more of those?
Ivan.
Sure Ivan!
You know me, I’m always happy to help out a Portuguese friend…
http://blog.newsok.com/staticblog/files/2008/09/baghead.jpg
Perfect picture! I love it!! Why do they say those KKK guys were bad? What’s wrong with some little humping with paper bag masks on? It seems fun!!! DF said so!
Your Brazilian friend…
Ivan.
Trust me Ivan, if DF says humping with paper bag masks on is fun, then it’s fun…she knows her stuff- http://delicacies.wordpress.com/2009/09/05/what-makes-a-good-advice-giver/
She knows indeed!
Wow ….did therapy not go well this week…….hahahahahahaahahah…you are really twisted in a big sister way…zman sends
Thanks Zman! (I think?)
Therapy never goes well. If it did, I probably wouldn’t blog.
(I have no idea what that means, btw)
Nice to see you, Z…It’s always good to have you stop by!
b:)
I think bras are a pain in the …well….chest, I guess. I couldn’t imagine lugging around a paper-sack headed man to hold them up all day!
Too true, Talon!
Not only that, you’d probably have to buy him lunch…
(I know the type)
Vintage cameltoe indeed. Nice to see it’s as appropriate then as it is now.
Very nice snaps, Bschooled, very nice indeed. And I’m delighted to note that the older folks are once again well represented in your favourite things.
My eye was, of course, drawn to the photo of the two older ladies and that lad from Beverly Hills 90210. (Brandon someone?) And while I don’t approve of Erin Spelling, free flowing liquor or vomiting in waste buckets, I certainly support the right of those two old crones to drink like frat boys during hazing season.
Thank you for continuing to dispel myths and showcase the true diversity (albiet unseemly in this case) of the senior set.
Your non-Brazilian friend,
Don
Don
Didnt you mean Aaron Spelling…I had you pegged for having all the seasons of 90210 on VHS…..right between your copy of Angel with dirty FACES and Yankee Doodle Dandy
Thanks Zman. Must have confused Erin Moran and Aaron Spelling again. Happens more often than I care to admit. My apologies Bschooled. I should know better than to avoid these hep pop culture references.
I think that House parties picture is Donald Mills idea of porn.
Take that back, Bearman!
Mr. Mills does not have an opinion on porn. He is a respectful Senior who has absolutely no desire to “get his rocks off” to images of women who resemble Shirley MacLaine or Betty White.
(I need to believe that, Bearman. It’s the only way I can sleep at night)
Don,
What can I say…as per usual, your perceptiveness and acceptable level of cognitive brain function defies logic.
It’s true, now that I think about it, the gentleman in the second photo does look like Brandon Walsh. To be honest I find this a little disturbing, especially since he was the only reason I used to watch the show.
I mean, it was obvious that I wasn’t watching it because of that “Steve” guy (gross), and Dylan was just a little too wild for an “all talk no action” girl like me.
I only hope that I don’t look back in 20 years and feel the same way about Zac Efron…
Don’t worry about the Erin/Aaron mix-up, I do it all the time. Not only that, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve confused Aarons daughter for a horse…well let’s just say that I’d be breeding a few Toris of my own.
Anyway, thanks for the support, Don. All I can say is that if you ever decide to have a house party, I’d be honored to be the one holding your bucket.
Your friend,
Bschooled
Is Greg Kendrick wearing a velvet suit? I always want to touch velvet when I see it too
Really?
I can’t stand the feeling of velvet…for some reason it gives me the shivers.
Now if he were wearing bubble wrap, that would be a whole different story…
I know that the photo of me with my face on the floor looks kind of bad. However, it is really just the camera angle. Here’s what happened. The guy in the next stall was “tapping his toes” and I wanted to see exactly what I was getting into. Sadly, the toilet gave way just as I was getting a good look. I blacked out briefly but I could swear that it was Larry Craig.
*sigh*…another missed opportunity.
HA!
Oh, TL, the terms you have stored in that brilliant cranium of yours just boggles my mind sometimes.
I first found out about toe-tapping when I was working at a Department store, and a guy was arrested by an “Undercover Toe-Tapper” during my shift. It was a defining moment that changed my life.
Before that day, I was a young, naive adolescent who loved puppies, rainbows and all things Debbie Gibson. However after that day, I became a hardened misandrist, determined to eradicate all men who trolled for sex in public restrooms.
But after seeing my first cameltoe, I totally forgot all about it.
Funny how that works.
Wow! you’ve got the world’s coolest family photo album! :D
Thanks George!
Although to be honest, I’m not really related to Tort-man, he was just an old boyfriend.
Sometimes I just have trouble “letting go”.
Nice to see you again, George.
Bschooled:)
Disturbing on so many levels…and hilarious too. I should be back in the fray in about 10 days.
FJ!!!
Seeing your sorely missed avatar has most definitely made my day.
I’ve waited this long, so I guess it won’t kill me to wait a little longer. But just remember…the fray isn’t the same without you.
Really good to see you, FJ.
b:)
Pffft. Must have gotten an “out” from the fray from his rich and politically-connected uncle.
FJ, hurry back. Without you the fray has begun to unravel.
CLT,
FYI, you can’t “Out” the frayer.
You also “Can’t Tag the Butcher”, but hopefully that will change soon.
I’ve set up a ‘meating’ (ha!) with the Amalgamated Meat Cutters and Butcher Workmen of North America to see if we can’t make a compromise.
Fingers crossed!
Wonderful collection, bschooled. A marvelous, disturbing, possibly arrestable collection.
I remember some horrifying experiences in my youth, and most of them can never top those women who were touched inappropriately by the bus stop. Not “near” the bus stop, but by the bus stop itself, which looked oddly enough like a horribly disguised male. I knew him as “weekend dad” but it wasn’t until years later that I found out what he did during his weekdays.
I’m also partial to the Indian gentleman displaying a fine specimen of the “Jesus fish,” as immortalized by bumper stickers and decals pretty much everywhere. As you heathens can cleary see, it’s a Jesus fish. Note the lack of evolving. No feet or feet-like protuberances anywhere.
On a related note: the word “protuberance” is rarely used in general conversation (or “convo,” if you prefer [teehee])anymore, and I don’t think I’ve ever actually heard it uttered aloud in all my many (but not that many, actually kind of a few) years on earth.
Sincerely,
Slayed in Tamerville
Thank-you for yet another “Cork-Board Tackable” comment, CLT. It’s only a matter of time before my boss starts questioning my choices in “cork board” posts.
Oh well, screw it…I’m the one who has to sit in this prison-cell style cubicle, not him.
And funny you should mention “weekend dad”, I just saw him last week. Sorry for not telling you about it before, it just wasn’t something I wanted to bring up on your blog.
“Brilliant choices, CLT! Your Heavy Rotations get better every Volume! Oh, by the way, did you know what weekend dad does during his weekdays? That’s right, he sells 100% contaminated skin-care products that haven’t been tested on animals! Or humans for that matter! What a small world, hey?”
It just didn’t seem right.
I’m partial to the Jesus fish as well. Which is strange, because usually I can’t stand seafood (except for the odd “Captain Highliner” stick). I myself am perfectly happy getting my Omega 3′s the old fashioned way….by growing them. If only I could figure out how to get them into those convenient edible capsules…
…where was I going with this?
Oh right, to the kitchen….time for my morning coffee/red bull concoction. I need to get there before the guy from Procurement shows up. He has this unsightly protuberance on his back, and even though I realize it’s not (all) his fault, everytime I see him I automatically scream out my “safety word”.
It always gets a little awkward after that.
Thanks for the kind words, bschooled. I’m doubly pleased that I am “cork board” material. Not only that, but I’m amazingly bouyant in water.
If your boss is reading these posted comments, perhaps I should be using more (less?) f-bombs and obscure mathmetician references. Please advise.
One more thing (he said, channeling Peter Falk at his drunkest), maybe “fish sticks” isn’t the best safety word. Just ask Kanye.
Sincerely,
F-Bombed in Capital City
Profanitize(?) away, CLT.
Seeing your comments laden in random !@#%*s would just make things awkward, almost like I was reading a cariacature of you, you know? And since your avatar is a little caricature-like as it is (ok, a lot), I think it would just be overkill….
Kanye has a problem with “fish sticks”? That’s funny, because Solange and cena both said it would be a great safety word.
Although to be honest, I don’t think cena had any idea what Solange and I were talking about…
Oh my God. That neckerchief picture is just too awesome. That should be a tattoo.
Everything I know about neckerchiefs I learned from your blog, Will. For real.
Please forgive the tardiness of this comment. I have a valid excuse, and one that I’m sure you’ll find to be ridiculously verbose, lamely inane, and rambling.
I know, I know… As a rule, I tend to keep my comments short and semi-pithy, but on this one occasion I am a feared (Yes, I said, “a feared” again), that this comment will not be of the short-stuff nature.
Anyway, to make it semi interesting, I’ll see if I can do it in rhyme. If that fails, ah well, then it’s free verse… If I should digress into dialogue then it’s poetry meets screenplay (and have casual sex in the alleyway behind the Fox and Merkin).
It all started with several tabs of peyote
That had me thinking I was a wiley coyote
Searching for lunch and meaning in the dirt
I looked damn fine in my new fuck shirt
Somehow I ended up on a plane traveling to Austria
Hoping the ghost of Freud could “cure” my Groinmaulophobia
I believed old man Ziggy and his zany old man brother, the cross-dressing, Gretel
Could, um… something, something, something, with therapy and a kettle
Well, they examined me, you see, and as I’m sure you knew
Found much of interest in my giant floral patterned scrotal tissue
They were particularly bemused
Or, I should say, amused
By the elephantiasis of inflammatory etiology
Which was clearly plain to see,
On my left testicle
The result of riding a seatless bicycle (work with me here)
I was forced to wear bonnets
And recite Petrarchan sonnets
And summon the spirit of 14th Century Nubian slaves
While dancing all night in the Austrian raves
It was a semi downward spiral
That had no where to go
But to the planet Merkin
Where the herking and jerking
And half-witted old man
With the painted on tan
Battled Groin Mauling Morlock Chicks
While playng Henny Youngman violin licks
He saved the day and got the girl
And took her out for a whirl
And had sex with her thanks to Viagra
It’s all true, I tells ya
(To be honest, bschooled… is this thing still a go?… Maybe yes, maybe no.)
When I came to, the boy sisters of psychology
Were once again examining me
“You are suffering from Мы постарались. Мы постарались” Ziggy said
”The cure is shaking out your sillies, if you don’t do it, you’re dead.”
So, I needed to scare the children this dark Xmas
But to find a dark Xmas meant I needed a compass
I stumbled through the days of yore, your and you’re
And the damned randomness made me wonder what for
It was then I was accosted by drunken ocelot jazz cats
Who, I have to say, looked pretty cool in their spats
“Liver Phoenix!” I cried, “My kingdom for a sex toy!
Or at least some paroxysms – preferably of joy.”
But it was too late
They started to debate
Who was finer
A Kiwani or a Shriner?
I quoted John “Sam I Am” Cougar Mellonbastard’s famous line — it was better than nothing
“Outs Hide a club of Sherry, I’m bombed our arts wore really something!”
Their stupefaction gave me chance to make my great escape
I chopped their shoulder meat and added sodium nitrate
And of course some sugar for a gelatinous glaze
In Austria it’s the latest shoulder eating craze
I hopped in the Otto mobile – which can transform into a boat
And made my escape while suffering sodium bloat
And that’s why I’m late, every word of it’s true
Oh matron forgive, I suspect that you do.
“UNBELARVAEBLE!”
Whoops, sorry Alan. I’m taking “Caterpillar to Butterfly Metamorphosis” night classes over at the college, and now I seem to be suffering from a case of “larvae on the brain”. I guess I should have expected as much.
Believe it or not, it’s actually been quite an informative class, well worth the $976 in tuition and the $232 textbook (aptly titled “I’m Not a Caterpillar, Not Yet a Butterfly”). And even though I’m not sure where I’ll go with my newfound “Pupa-Awareness” (maybe the Niagara Butterfly Conservatory, maybe Cannes…maybe even Disney World!), I do know one thing…I’ll never look at another Rhophalocera or Heterocera in the same way again. For real this time.
Anyway, I just have to tell you that this was the most touching comment-turned verse I’ve ever received. And trust me, I’ve been touched by a lot of verses. So many, in fact, that the Sexual Harassment Hotline won’t even bother to answer the phone when I call anymore.
Damn caller ID indeed…
It just so happens that I have a comment-turned acrostic poem here that I would like to share with you as well. I wrote it in grade 5, but after re-reading (and writing) it, I realized that it still applies today…
Of course I forgive, your suspicions were right
Herking and jerking must have caused you great fright
Maybe yes, maybe no, it’s not plain to see
And elephantiasis etiology (work with me here too)
Therapy and a kettle and a little something something,
Reciting the Petrarchan sonnet he brings
Oh matron, is there really any more I can say?
Nice fuck shirt you’ve got on, by the way
Ha!
I took the “Caterpillar to Butterfly Metamorphosis” night classes over at The Learning Annex, but I failed miserably. I morphed into a moth. Oh the humanity! The shame. And on top of it all I now have an irrational fear of nets. But these are my dilemmas. “Oh woe and buy Tide™ to keep our clothes and humanity clean… Likethe French Pixies say Trompe Le Monde!
But I’m back at night school and studying “How To Be A Goddamned Teenage Werewolf” It’s pretty interesting. I’ve stopped shaving and have bought into my mad professor’s theory that instead of moving forward, we must go back to our pre-evolution states. For him, it’s werewolf. I always thought it was more of a slug that emerged from the primordial ooze deal… Shows you what I know!
I’m telling you Alan, you need to drop that class right now, for your own good.
I can’t tell you how I know what I’m about to tell you I know, but just trust me when I tell you I know that Werewolf class is a cult.
It’s just something I know.
It’s also extremely “apres-garde”, if you know what I’m sayin’ (if you do know what I’m sayin’, please email me with an explanation. Oh, and send accompanying photos as well, I’m a visual learner).
Anyway, I just pray you haven’t killed any of the girls practicing ‘gymnastics in the gymnasium’ (or as I like to call it, GITG) yet. If not, there’s still hope.
Jesus alantru, you really shined tonight.
More importantly, you raised the bar with Bschooled, and now she’s trading blow for blow with some very heavy beat poetry, ala 2009, ala way beyond “On the Road”, with language we can all transfer to that crazy nun spinning on the hill.
Oh yeah . . . in the grass my little liebchen. Zee Commandant ees arriving.
You all complete me.
That’s the funny thing, Invasive1…Alantru shines every night.
He’s a shiner, it’s in his blood.
In fact, I don’t recommend you let him bleed around you, unless you are wearing a good pair of blublockers, that is. And not the fake ones, either. I’m talking those ones with the strong UV protection, that you see on those infomercials.
The “Real McCoys”, if you will.
Anyway, although I don’t speak Italian, it sounds like you have a fun night planned, I1…I look forward to reading all about it when I creep on your blog!
(in case you didn’t notice, it’s what I do)
Thanks Invasive1,
I couldn’t have done it without bschooled and the voices in my head. Oh, and of course reverting back to my pre-evolutionary werewolf state helped a lot. Yay werewolf!
PS. bschooled: I just bought a new t-shirt. It says “Fucking Cod!”
I’ll be wearing it to the big family Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday. Can you imagine? Suggestions of cod at a table filled with turkey? Ha!
HA!
Guess what Alan! I just bought a Thanksgiving Day dinner t-shirt too, only mine says “That Cod is Fucked!”
Fucking cod…
That’s so hot; stalkin’ the blog. We all have our weak spots, G spots, and cumquots. Party on, talented author.
i’ve been drunk occasionally but never ever so drunk i fell off a toilet! that’s hilarious!
Hey Lynn!
I’m proud to say that I have yet to fall off a toilet either…(knock heavily on wood).
Always good to see you:)
Bschooled