Auntie D’s Bookmobile

Auntie D and her concubine are back, wandering aimlessly through cyberspace to show off some of the latest and greatest literary classics in her “Van O’ Verbology”…

Lt. Jim Bullard, whose previous best-sellers include “Looking Forward to Being Genitally Mutilated” and “Looking Forward to Being Buried Alive”, has hit pay dirt once again, with this insightful and light-hearted manual that makes “random muggings” fun again.

Here’s what a few of  the readers had to say…

“I used to be terrified of the creepy man in the trench coat who’s always squatting behind the bushes in my backyard at night. But now, after reading this book, I not only look forward to seeing him, I’ve stopped locking the door altogether in the hopes that he’ll eventually come right in and attack me!”

                                                                                                                                     -Mindy, former Attack-phobic

“I was never of those girls who wandered the streets after last call wearing nothing but a tight pleather mini skirt and sheer halter-top that left nothing to the imagination. But I read this inspirational book…and look at me now! Thanks Looking Forward to Being Attacked!”

                                                                                                                                      -Donna, 20-something Bar-Star

 ”If being the victim of a random attack is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!”

                                                                                                            -Carla, Attack Victim 3-times and counting

I have to say that this book was a bit of a yawner…way too predictable.

Girl wants to land a rich husband (obviously). So she applies to the Nursing program, spends the next four years  busting her ass in school, busses tables at some seedy dive at night just to make ends meet, becomes addicted to Adderrall and other  stimulants claiming to increase alertness and overall cognitive performance, takes a semester off to go to detox, cleans herself up, finally graduates, gets a job the “ICU grunt”  and is stuck working the crappy night shifts because she’s a newbie, screws up her whole internal clock and ends up addicted to sedatives, all so she can land a husband in the medical field who earns one-tenth the salary of the Oil and Gas Executive she could have landed just by getting chest implants and a waitressing job at Hooters.

Did it, done it, got the t-shirt.

This informative, non-biased novel is a great resource for all of you out there who are struggling with the decision of whether or not to become permanently neutered. Although I can’t relate personally, from what I’ve heard it’s an extremely difficult decision, one that should not be taken lightly. Like the Mr. Cheney always says,  “Once you go hack, you never go back”.

The following are some of the advantages and disadvatanges  of living a  ”Gonad-Free” lifestyle:

Disadvantages: 

-High voice

-Girly build

-Mini-genitals

-Lack of pubic hair (may be considered an advantage if you like that look)

-Sterility (might also be seen as a good thing, depending)

-No sex drive

Advantages: 

-Lack of unsightly body hair

-Prevents male pattern baldness (definite plus for single men)

As you can see, it’s pretty much a toss-up. Personally, if it were me I would do it no questions asked, but really it just boils down to personal preference.  

For those of you planning to go through with the whole castration thing, I strongly recommend this recipe book. 

Ljubomir Erovic has been specializing in “Testicular Cuisine” for over 20 years.  Here, in this Limited Edition Cookbook,  he shows you that  with just a couple of  spare ballocks, some seasoning and a little TLC,  you can create a meal that may not necessarily be pleasing to the eye,  but will most certainly be pleasing to the palate.

And for those of you who have a bit of a sweet tooth, there’s even a section at the back dedicated solely to mouth-watering desserts.

The following are two of my favorites:  

Chin-Ornament Sub

Ingredients:

• 2 sub rolls (Italian sandwich rolls)
• 5-6 pre-cooked medium-sized nutsacks  (or 4 enlarged ones)
• 1 cup spaghetti sauce
• 4 slices Monterey Jack cheese

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
2. Place sub rolls, open-faced, on a baking sheet and toast in the oven for 5 minutes.
3. Meanwhile, put the nads and sauce into a 3-quart pot. Heat over medium heat until warm, about 10 minutes.
4. Place the giggle-berries on half of each submarine roll. Top with 1 slice of Monterey Jack cheese. Return to the oven and bake 5 more minutes until cheese is melted.

 And if you think that sounds good, wait till you try out this mouth-watering dessert…

Ball-klava:

Ingredients:

• 1 (16 ounce) package phyllo dough
• 1 pound crown-jewels, finely chopped
• 1 cup butter
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1 cup water
• 1 cup white sugar

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Butter the bottoms and sides of pan.
2. Take the minced hairy danglers and toss with cinnamon. Set aside. Unroll phyllo dough. Place two sheets of dough in pan, butter thoroughly. Sprinkle 2 – 3 tablespoons of diced flesh balloons on top. Top with two sheets of dough and repeat until you have 8 sheets layered.
3. Using a sharp knife, cut into square shapes, then bake for about 50 minutes until golden and crisp.
4. Remove from oven and let cool, then proceed to serve in old jockstraps. Make sure you leave the ballklava uncovered, as the Mary Kate and Ashleys tend to get soggy if wrapped up.

I hate to say it, but  personally I don’t recommend this novel (sorry, Auntie D). I mean let’s face it, only geeks wear braces (sorry Heather), and who wants to read a story about geeks? (sorry, Mom)

I heard that this book does end on a postive note, although personally I wouldn’t know…I had to throw it out when I got to the chapter entitled “Using Colorful Elastics to Really Get Noticed!”

Thanks for hanging with me and Auntie D. And remember, if you are interested in any of these rousing reads, just send me an email and I will forward you a price list. But hurry, with masterpieces like this, it’s only a matter of time before they’re flying off the shelves!