A Love Story in Pictures (and some words)

 

 

He was a genial, fun-loving (aspiring) Actor/Competitive Swimmer, who had a lust for life and a “devil-may-care” attitude.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She was a highly-advanced robotic automobile, with state of the art pyroclastic lamination and a stunning molecular-bonded shell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 They met on the Bayshore Freeway, he was hitchhiking to L.A. so he could become a famous actor, and she was stopped in rush-hour traffic. 

Normally she didn’t pick-up random strangers, but there was something about him that really got her engine revving. So she motioned for him to get in.  

The moment his denim grape smugglers touched her leather interior, they knew there was no going back.

 

 

 

 

 

After six-months of dating long-distance, she finally took the plunge and moved to L.A. He proposed the day she arrived, and less than three weeks later they wed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the first few years, life was grand. They adopted a beautiful, baby-faced 19 year-old boy named Arnold, and every summer the three of them would pack their bags and take a long-road trip across the Coast.

But slowly, things began to change.

Because he was known mainly for his expressive hand gestures, he was typecast in roles where the character needed to give the “Thumbs-Up!” sign at regular intervals. But since those roles were few and far between, he had to get a third job (as an L.A. County Lifeguard),  just to make ends meet. The lack of sleep caused him to be moody and irritable.

Although she did the odd modeling job for Popular Mechanics and other reputable Automotive-Industry publications, she felt she needed to stay home and take care of Arnold, who was now entering his ”Terrible Twenty-Twos”.

To make matters worse, they found out that he was also suffering from a learning disability.

“He never does his homework”, his teacher said, shaking her head dissappointedly. “And whenever I ask him a question in class, he just gives me a strange look and says What you talkin’ ’bout, Miss. Willis?  No offense, but I think he might be slow or something.”  

 

 

 

 

 

It all came to a head one afternoon, when they got into an argument while driving down the interstate.

“Why do you always get to pick the music?” she asked, annoyed because he’d constantly tune the radio to a station playing ridiculous pop-songs by some cheesy B-list actor-turned-singer types.

“Because you’re a  high-maintenance bitch who thinks you’re special just because you’ve got a tear gas launcher and high-traction drop downs…THAT’S WHY!”

He didn’t mean to say those things, the words just came out. But by the time he realized what he’d done, it was too late.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Furious, she activated her Seat-Ejection System and threw him out of the car. She then drove off in a fit of rage, vowing never to return again.

 She made it all the way to Nevada, before realizing that she’d forgotten about Arnold.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He spent the next few months in a downward spiral, drowning his sorrows in hard liquor and Bacon-Deluxe burgers (being an employee meant  he was entitled to a 50% discount on food).

 “So what if she’s got one of those Infrared Tracking Scope things an’ a Laser Powerpack…so what?? Chicks like that are a dime a dozen these days…dime a dozen, I tell ya…”,  he’d slur to his Wendy’s co-workers, while lying in a drunken stupor near the fry vats in the kitchen.  

Finally, after a picture of him at his worst surfaced over the internet, he realized that he needed help.

So he called Arnold. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 But unfortunately, Arnold was having relationship problems of his own. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, a friend recommended couple’s counseling, and in a last-ditch effort to save their marriage, they agreed to try it. Amazingly, it worked, and after only one session it felt like they had fallen in love all over again.

They discovered that their problems stemmed from their lackluster sex life, so, in order to kick things up a notch, they joined “Norm’s Hedonistic S&M(&S&M) Swingers Club”.  There they met a Lounge waitress and her Matlock impersonator  husband, who, despite his age and incontinence issues, knew his way around both the courtroom and the bedroom.

They all got along so well that they eventually decided to move in together, and as soon as word of their “unconventional lifestyle” spread, they were offered their own Reality Series and clothing line.

And they all lived happily (in front of approximately 2.7 million viewers) for the next three Seasons.

 

Well, everyone except Arnold.