Thank you for the laughs. I really needed them. Lobster girl left me for the ocean. This is the second time the ocean has stolen my girlfriend. I think I’m gonna challenge it to a fight, even though violence never solved anything and I can’t win this one.

Ah well, there’s a new chair in my house that I have my eye on. Maybe it’s time to lower my expectations and go for girlfreinds who are less animate and crustacean like.

You said it sounded too “cliché”.

Anyway, I want to apologize about the scampi. I had no idea you had a thing for crustaceans. I mean in “that way”. Sometimes I just blurt out things without thinking first. But to be fair, it’s not really my fault.

You see, I was born without a filter.

After the Doctor delivered me, he said to my soon-to-be-devastated parents, “The good news is that she’s obviously a girl. The bad news…is that she’s going be extremely insensitive to the feelings of others. Oh, and she’ll occasionally go off on random tangents for no reason whatsoever. I suggest you get rid of her.” But thankfully, after some careful deliberation, they decided to stick it out.

It’s been a hard life, but I like to think it’s made them stronger people.

So where was I?

Oh right, your jeans. And your new girlfriend.

Watch out for the lobsters, Alan. Sure, they look pretty and all, but once they get their claws into you, there’s no turning back. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Anyway, gotta go get my wedding dress and strategically placed necklace dry-cleaned for the trip…

Can’t wait to see you! (Don’t bring the assistant, though…like I said, I don’t trust those Nephropidaes)

Right on, sister. Fucking cod!

Yes, it’s the dawn of a new era in our lives, bschooled. “A flying, bullet deflecting and big breasted shameless April fool’s Queen” era. And I think we’re all agreed it should even more surprising than our last era, the “filmic blue wave Gitane smoking noir cinéma vérité mock turkey loaf documentary.” Whew, did that get stale fast!

But before we do, I must ask you… Why so down on the scampi? Seriously, this a tender area for me (I have others but I’m toughening them up with a meat tenderizer and melon baller). For you see (Yes, that’s right, I said “for you see.” We can practically see the ominous foreshadowing, can’t we? Hmmm, maybe I should throw in some thunder and rain for pathetic fallacy, as well it’s an apt metaphor for my internal mood… Okay, I’m rambling…)…

For you see, I once dated a Scampi.

It was in high school. My salad days. I was a fresh faced dog boy straight off the turnip truck and new to the big city and she was a large shrimp. An oxymoron of a babe if I ever saw one. (And I hadn’t.)

Anyway, it was love at first sight. We went swimming, avoided garlic presses and made sweet love in public parks. But it was not to be. Society mocked us. Anti scampi racists taunted her and normal people called me a disgusting pervert. Yes, a Romeo and Juliet, boy meet seafood doomed romance.

My parents didn’t approve and hers had long been drowned and devoured in a red cocktail sauce.

Mom and dad told me I could never see her again and dragged me to Red Lobster and forced me to gorge on the shrimp special. It was awful.

We were torn apart and I was left asunder, and that was really uncomfortable. So I had to buy new jeans.

Anyway, I never saw her again. But I did rebound. I’m dating a lobster from Halifax and things seem to be going well. This weekend I’m taking to her a spa. We’ll both get massages, facials and enjoy a nice long steamy sauna. Yup, everything should work out just fine…

PS. I’m at the airport and waiting for your flight. I’ll be the guy dressed in the lab coat with the bag of weed and lobster assistant.

I had no idea that you maketh the Biotech t-shirt. But now that you mention it, I guess it would explain a lot. Not anything I would be able to discuss, mind you, since I find Biotech talk to be a little “repetitive and uninspiring”, even at the best of times.

But that’s just me.

All I can say is that they picked the right man for the job. Because if you can’t kick genetic engineering attire up a few decibels, FS, I doubt that anyone can.

For real.

Always proud to be in your loop, (I have no idea what that means, btw)
Bschooled