Thank you for the laughs. I really needed them. Lobster girl left me for the ocean. This is the second time the ocean has stolen my girlfriend. I think I’m gonna challenge it to a fight, even though violence never solved anything and I can’t win this one.

Ah well, there’s a new chair in my house that I have my eye on. Maybe it’s time to lower my expectations and go for girlfreinds who are less animate and crustacean like.

You said it sounded too “cliché”.

Anyway, I want to apologize about the scampi. I had no idea you had a thing for crustaceans. I mean in “that way”. Sometimes I just blurt out things without thinking first. But to be fair, it’s not really my fault.

You see, I was born without a filter.

After the Doctor delivered me, he said to my soon-to-be-devastated parents, “The good news is that she’s obviously a girl. The bad news…is that she’s going be extremely insensitive to the feelings of others. Oh, and she’ll occasionally go off on random tangents for no reason whatsoever. I suggest you get rid of her.” But thankfully, after some careful deliberation, they decided to stick it out.

It’s been a hard life, but I like to think it’s made them stronger people.

So where was I?

Oh right, your jeans. And your new girlfriend.

Watch out for the lobsters, Alan. Sure, they look pretty and all, but once they get their claws into you, there’s no turning back. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Anyway, gotta go get my wedding dress and strategically placed necklace dry-cleaned for the trip…

Can’t wait to see you! (Don’t bring the assistant, though…like I said, I don’t trust those Nephropidaes)

Right on, sister. Fucking cod!

Yes, it’s the dawn of a new era in our lives, bschooled. “A flying, bullet deflecting and big breasted shameless April fool’s Queen” era. And I think we’re all agreed it should even more surprising than our last era, the “filmic blue wave Gitane smoking noir cinéma vérité mock turkey loaf documentary.” Whew, did that get stale fast!

But before we do, I must ask you… Why so down on the scampi? Seriously, this a tender area for me (I have others but I’m toughening them up with a meat tenderizer and melon baller). For you see (Yes, that’s right, I said “for you see.” We can practically see the ominous foreshadowing, can’t we? Hmmm, maybe I should throw in some thunder and rain for pathetic fallacy, as well it’s an apt metaphor for my internal mood… Okay, I’m rambling…)…

For you see, I once dated a Scampi.

It was in high school. My salad days. I was a fresh faced dog boy straight off the turnip truck and new to the big city and she was a large shrimp. An oxymoron of a babe if I ever saw one. (And I hadn’t.)

Anyway, it was love at first sight. We went swimming, avoided garlic presses and made sweet love in public parks. But it was not to be. Society mocked us. Anti scampi racists taunted her and normal people called me a disgusting pervert. Yes, a Romeo and Juliet, boy meet seafood doomed romance.

My parents didn’t approve and hers had long been drowned and devoured in a red cocktail sauce.

Mom and dad told me I could never see her again and dragged me to Red Lobster and forced me to gorge on the shrimp special. It was awful.

We were torn apart and I was left asunder, and that was really uncomfortable. So I had to buy new jeans.

Anyway, I never saw her again. But I did rebound. I’m dating a lobster from Halifax and things seem to be going well. This weekend I’m taking to her a spa. We’ll both get massages, facials and enjoy a nice long steamy sauna. Yup, everything should work out just fine…

PS. I’m at the airport and waiting for your flight. I’ll be the guy dressed in the lab coat with the bag of weed and lobster assistant.

I had no idea that you maketh the Biotech t-shirt. But now that you mention it, I guess it would explain a lot. Not anything I would be able to discuss, mind you, since I find Biotech talk to be a little “repetitive and uninspiring”, even at the best of times.

But that’s just me.

All I can say is that they picked the right man for the job. Because if you can’t kick genetic engineering attire up a few decibels, FS, I doubt that anyone can.

For real.

Always proud to be in your loop, (I have no idea what that means, btw)
Bschooled

So I take it you have a thing for blondes, then?

I see your point about the old lady looking dangerous, but really, I think that’s just how they all look at that age. I actually feel a little sorry for her, seeing as it looks as though someone (her grandkids maybe) hoisted her up and then took off.

In fact, wouldn’t be surprised if she’s still there…

Anyway, thanks for stopping by, Zman. And remember, if you ever need someone to set you straight on things, come to me. I’m here for you.

Bschooled:)

Can you believe that when I read your first paragraph, I actually thought you were calling me a scampi?

At first I was a little upset. “Is he trying to say that I’m a shrimp? The nerve! Since when is someone who measures six-foot one (give or take eighteen inches) considered short?”

Then, I became angry. “Who does he think he is to call me a bottom-feeder! And even if I am, is it really a crime?”

Then, I was just downright confused. “Just what the hell is he trying to get at, anyway?”

Luckily, after I did a few laps around the office to “cool off”, I decided to re-read your comment.

My bad.

So what was the point of this long and somewhat superfluous story, you ask? Good question, Alan.

One that will hopefully soon be answered. Maybe by a tribe of big breasted shameless April fool’s Queens in Hogs Hollow…

Then again, maybe not. Tough to say.

Regardless, you’re right about one thing. This is most definitely a new and exciting chapter in our otherwise old and lackluster lives.

So my answer is yes. I will wait for that bullet deflecting and big breasted shameless April fool’s Queen with baited breath (fucking cod!), and I will also be bringing the bong.

Because it’s time for us to “get our research” on!

I say this as my preamble because (and I swear this is true) I am sitting at my computer wearing nothing but a wedding dress (force of habit… oh, I’m also wearing my wedding dress over my nun’s habit) and a strategically placed necklace and hairshirt (the necklace is strategically placed like a noose around my neck…partly for shock value, partly just because I don’t own a real tie. The hairshirt is just there because sometimes it’s fun to be an itchy martyr), and I was thinking to myself “How does she know that? Has she been reading my diary again? Oh, that scamp!”

I have exciting news. I have found a tribe of big breasted shameless April fool’s Queens in Hogs Hollow. The ads were true: “Hogs Hollow – Come for the Opulent Hogs. Stay for big breasted shameless April Fool’s Queens!”

So, I’ve booked you a flight. A bullet deflecting and big breasted shameless April fool’s Queen should be landing down outside your office momentarily.

I think this is a new and exciting chapter in our lives and I suspect you will be able to get some truly groundbreaking social research from this. And as a local resident, I shall act as your guide (the Virgil to your Dante) and introduce you to the odd customs and habits of these strange and opulent creatures. You bring the bong, I’ll bring the hydro.

Yes, it’s win win!

This post is the most spellbinding one since yesteryear. In particular, I took great pleasure in the oriental couple’s snapshot. As someone who’s been making lots of t-shirts lately himself (for Biotech companies – what do you know?), I have a high regard for their attire. Furthermore, I was not aware that such tandems walk proudly amongst us regular humans. Their mane is bravura and by the look on their faces they know it. Oh yes, they know it well.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Frankelstache