Well, look who we have here…It’s Auntie Dee, here to showcase some of the latest literary tricks and treats in her already impressive “Mobile O’ Money Shots”.
The following additions have arrived ”just in time” for whatever the hell holiday we have coming up.
.
.
A good friend of mine says, “V.D. is a must-read for anyone who’s ever been diagnosed with an STD.” And trust me, she would know.
In the past year alone, my friend has had Scabies, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, a staph infection, Hepatitis A through P, Herpes Simplex, Herpes Complex, Herpes Mega-Complex, and a mild case of jock-itch. You name it, she’s got it…some double-strength, even.
I know what you’re thinking, but trust me when I say my friend is not easy. Not at all. She’s an intelligent, well-rounded, witty female with a really great personality and a thought-provoking (albeit random) blog.
How many thought-provoking witty bloggers with great personalities do you know that would have time to sleep with every disease-infested guy who asked her to have sex with him in not so many words?
So, no, this really good friend of mine isn’t a total slut. She’s just made a few mistakes in her life because a) she can’t handle her liquor, and b) she has a tendency to “trust too much”.
Anyway, it’s a very informative book. Or, so my friend says.
.
.
.
Well, one thing’s for sure, this Barbara Wedgwood really knows how to put the “man” in Woman.
I had no idea just how ridiculously boring I was until I read this step-by-step guide on how to become a more enchanting and less ”You-make-me-want-to-poke-my-eyes-out-with-a-fork” kind of girl.
It makes me feel sorry for all the guys I’ve dated who were stuck being around someone like me.
.
.
.
This book goes against everything that Barbara Wedgwood says will make a woman “more interesting to be around”.
Which means I can’t in good conscience recommend it.
.
.
If you love mystery and suspense, you’re definitely going to have an opinion on this book.
I can tell you with all honesty that Nancy Drew’s expert investigative skills are nothing less than opinion-forming.
The following is an excerpt taken from Chapter 4:
Nancy - Is that…a bungalow?
Photographer - Yes, that’s a bungalow, Nancy.
Nancy - Are you sure? I mean, what if it isn’t?
Photographer – I’m sure, Nancy.
Nancy - No, I mean what if it’s just pretending to be a bungalow. What if it’s really a cottage…or a farmhouse?
Photographer - Trust me…it’s a bungalow.
Nancy - But what if it’s a shack. Or a conch house…or a bay-and-gable?
Photographer – (clenches fist) It’s…a…bungalow, Nancy.
Nancy - Or what if it’s a bachelor apartment…or a four-level split…or an eleventeen level-split…or a tent-like American Indian abode used to house Plains tribes… OH MY GOD, WHAT IF IT’S AN IGLOO???
Photographer - For God’s sake, Nancy! Why in the hell does it matter anyway? We’re just using this location to take your head shots! Look, tell you what, if it makes you that uncomfortable, we’ll take the rest of the photos in the park, ok?
Nancy – Phew. Thanks.
Wait a minute…are you sure it’s a park?
.
.This book answers the difficult questions that I’m sure all of us have asked at some time in our lives.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to walk up to a homeless person on the street and ask him/her hard-nosed questions like, “Why does you be so poor? Does you lose the job? Does you do the drug? Does you make bad investment?”
Unfortunately, being Canadian, I realize that these kinds of questions might sound ill-mannered and/or grammatically incorrect.
Thankfully, since the author, 誰地獄這個人是 (his English name is Todd), isn’t originally from North America, he has no problem asking these questions for us.
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*On behalf of Auntie D, I want to thank-you all for taking the time to check out her collection. And remember, if any of these classics appeal to you, please don’t hesitate to contact her at oldbutstillinteresting@hotmail.com
Bschooled? Bdamned, how come I was the last to know about this blog? Is that a big friggin spider about to land on Nancy’s head? I friggin hope so!
Hey, Frigginloon!
I’ve seen your wit buzzing around the blogosphere, so I’m glad you decided to stop by. And just so you know, I may have to steal “bdamned” and incorporate it into my vocabulary (don’t worry, I’ll add you to my footnotes:)).
You have a good eye, I never even noticed the spider on the cover. I guess it makes sense, though, since her next book is titled “The Spider Mystery”.
From what I heard, it’s supposed to be a real page turner…
Thanks for stopping by, Frigginloon, hope to see you again.
Bschooled:)
Here’s hoping it’s poisonous and she has no medical cover, bdead!
Ha!
Knock on wood…
(but not too hard, I have a sinking feeling that she might be back in a couple of weeks)
Homerun, B! A quick recap puts these valuable lessons in the proceeding order:
“Are you poor?”
“Do you have V.D.?”
“Are your legs looking for something to close upon?”
“Do you have an empty bungalow nearby?”
“Are you interesting?”
A yes in all five categories is any guy’s dream date, with ample protection, a few bucks, and a case of Molson Ice or discount thirty pack of whatever.
Throw Nancy Drew in there with her forest green dress and inquisitive nature . . . you get the picture.
Auntie D is, indeed, the Grand Madame of Mobile Education and Enlightenment.
Invasive1,
I don’t know how you do it, but you always have a way of taking the unfathomable and making it even more unfathomable. I mean seriously, how many females do you know out there who would really be seen as interesting?
It’s just not one of our strengths.
Regardless, it’s obvious that you have a gift, Invasive1. Seeing the world through your eyes is like seeing the world through the eyes of a humorous and well-versed Nancy Drew, only with twice as many acid flashbacks and less redundant foreshadowing.
It’s your shtick.
Always good to see you,
Bschooled:)
Men will sear that there current inamorata is “interesting” regardless of the truth. It’s either that or long lonely weekends alone with “Rosey and her five sisters.”
I am interested in “How to Be a More Interesting Woman” because the whole interesting man thing hasn’t really worked out — by that I mean that I have no use for the V.D. book. As for the closure boo, it reminds me of the “one hundred percent faiproof” prescription for female contraception — keep an aspirin between your kness. (You can do that and still be a hit at all male parties, but watch out for oral herpes!) I already know how to be poor. :)
Ha!
Good to see you Bill. I’m sorry to hear that you have no use for the V.D. book. But only because Auntie D has been having a hell of a time trying to get that one off her shelf. She said that no matter what she does, it just won’t go away.
I’m not sure I understand the “aspirin method” you mentioned, though. Does the female put the aspirin between her knees, or is that what the man does?
Either way, it sounds like a viable option. And relatively inexpensive as well..
‘Aspirin Method”: I heard it as chastity for a femle. Which shows that people who speak of chastity have no sexual imagination! :)
Unfortunately I’m one of the few who don’t have either…;)
wtf..where do you find all this stuff?
i wanted to link up the booby bride from post below for wtf wednesday but couldn’t find the link!!
Nice to see you Shradda.
Sorry about the problems with the link, I wish I could help but unfortunately my computer expertise is limited to cut, paste, delete, right click, and save as my own (even though it’s technically not).
Anything more complicated than that and I start convulsing.
Auntie D is definitely on the cutting edge of social woes afflicting our society. She is a master at finding topical books (and there’s a rumour she’s also good at providing topical ointments to people who find themselves in need, but that’s only if you’re brave enough to visit the driver’s seat in the bookmobile).
I’m starting to get worried about Nancy Drew. Paranoia is never an attractive quality in a teen sleuth.
You’re right, Talon. Auntie D is defintiely on the cutting edge of afflictions! And I’m not just saying that because she’s my Aunt.
And the topical ointment rumour you heard? Trust me, it’s not a rumour. That drivers seat of hers has seen more viruses than Hugh Hefner’s hot tub…and yet she still keeps going!
That lady is a mystery of science, I tell you. I just hope she doesn’t decide to donate her organs.
Anyway, I’m with you on the whole Nancy Drew issue. I find it hard to believe that I once thought she was the Horatio Cane of teen mysteries. Now everytime I look at her, all I see is a walking “This is Your Brain on Drugs” advertisement.
As always a fine selection of books Bschooled.
It’s a bit of shame that your Auntie has the new and revised edition of “V.D.” The old, unrevised, unedited, largely unresearched and generally unreadable version is vastly superior.
It plays down all of the precautions and medical treatments and gets right to the heart of the matter by focusing on “God’s wrath”, “loose morals”, “good old fashioned shame” and an eternity in Hell.
A gripping read. And it has a few laughs in it too.
I highly recommend it and if your dear Aunt is ever able to lay her hands on a copy (I’d recommend using gloves) I’d be delighted to add it to my library of bookmobile classics.
Please pass on my best to your fine Auntie D.
Your friend in reading,
Don
p.s. what the hell kind of author has a name like “Big Boom”
My friend in reading indeed, Don.
I can’t tell you how much it pleases me to know that we both have the same taste in literature. I have to be honest, though. I actually had no idea that there even was an original version of V.D. I always thought that the “new and improved” inscription was just a clever marketing tactic.
Extremely clever, if you catch my drift…
(?)
Anyway, I was always told that back in those days, having an STD was considered a normal part of life. In fact, some guys even considered it a blessing, seeing as it got them out of doing things like serving in the armed forces.
Ha! I guess that explains why you guys call them the good old days, hey?
*Ahem*
Regardless, I’ll ask Auntie D, about it. Because if anyone knows about spending an eternity in hell because of loose morals and good old-fashioned unbridled shame, it’s her. And if she does have it, I’m sure she’ll want to deliver it personally…
She’s always had a thing for well-educated men in comfortable button-front cardigans.
Your future niece (fingers crossed!),
Bschooled
Impressive as ever B! Unfortunately, I enjoy my venereal disease books to be whipped up with some adventure, a dash of Native Americans, a splash of illustrations, and served with a hands on approach. This time Auntie D just could not live up to my expectations. So I had to stray to have my needs met…. http://www.complete-review.com/reviews/sex/lowryt.htm. By the way, if your friend would like to meet for drinks later, I’m available, trustworthy, and come with the best protection that can be carved out of an animal……….the intestinal tract lining of the buffalo held in place with some ear cartilage. TGIF at 9:00?
The second book might be just right for some of the gals out there, but not for my gal. Some women might need to know when to magically appear and offer coffee or tea, adding a witty zinger about the dirty hippies or feminazis, before magically (and most importantly) disappearing again. Personally though, I’ve had my fill of ‘interesting’ women. After dating a stalker, a heroin addict, a groin mauler, a CAGL, a secretary who was into some weird, sick shit, and the reincarnation of Sylvia Plath (oven and all) I’m finally ready to settle down with a sharp tongued Latino seductress.
Although you may not recommend the 3rd novel, I think that she’s right on the money. I don’t know if I’ve ever come across such a truism in the title of a book. But I can’t understand why she’s wearing fuck-me pumps if she…..never mind.
I haven’t yet read the fourth, so I think I’ll check it out. Coincidentally, I heard that Nancy went on to fail her Real Estate licensing exam six times before finding her niche as a pro hide and go seek player. She has just climbed to 2nd ranking in the Missouri rural league!
I’ve already read this book, and it changed my life. A true pioneer in the self-help industry, ‘Todd’ causes the reader to undergo a ruthless self-examination, culminating in an understanding that all westerners are lazy and worthless. This can only be rectified by adopting a philosophical shift to an eastern way of life. Be sure to check out his follow up novels….Four Years ago I couldn’t Spell College Graduate, Now I is One! And, How to Help Japan Win the Economic War! Sell Us Your Upstart! And Your Congress!
Well, Scott, I took a chance and clicked the link at work (I’m crazy that way). To my wonderment, Lewis and Clark’s venereal expedition suddenly appeared before my very eyes!
The funny thing is that I had no idea that Superman could get an STD. I mean, he’s Superman for God’s sake! He leaps tall buildings and stuff!
I was pretty sure that Teri Hatcher would have a at least a few infectious diseases, though. I mean, how else could you explain how she went from Radio Shack commercials to a lead role in Desperate Housewives.
I told my friend about your offer, and she said you’re “in like all of the Flynns” (whatever that means). And since you mentioned that your gal doesn’t need to be intellectually stimulating either, I’d say it’s a perfect match!
But she said not to worry about the protection, she recently became a vegan (I’m talking like five minutes ago).
Fuck-me pumps are the new black, Scott. Heck, even those “Rapture-Ready” Christian ladies are wearing them these days. Ha! Fundies do the darndest things…
I didn’t know about Nancy’s new career, but now that you mention it, I think it’s a good move on her part. Her previous job as the second Duck in Duck, Duck Goose was getting her nowhere. Let’s face it, the second duck is irrelevant.
Thank-you for the brilliant of comment, the Scott. Todd does tell me you is the smartest of the reader of his book. And he does be right!
Of course Superman can get a VD. Kryptonite was only a metaphor for the hot chick with herpes who served his morning coffee at the local Starbucks. He knew she had it (the outbreaks could be pretty severe) but he just couldn’t stay away. It’s what always made him weak.
I’m not sure if Teri actually ever had any STD’s, but don’t you remember her other famous commercial? It was aired shortly after her supporting role in the James Bond flick. In the ad she uttered the famous line, “Tomorrow may never die, but your genital warts will if you use Wart-B-Gone! Oh, and by the way, they’re real, and they are SPECTACULAR!” Then they showed Jerry Seinfeld looking dejected and heartbroken. It was a great fucking campaign.
Well, I did meet your friend last night and it was ….well it was spectacular. She was beautiful and mysteries. Oddly, she would never tell me her name. We started off in TGIF, skipped any pretence of food, and started on the Long Islands. Then the shots of SoCo. Then she took some pills, I took some pills, and we swapped some pills. The last thing I remember was her muttering something about an ‘incident’ at a band camp in Cuba as we were boarding a plane. Hmm…maybe it wasn’t band camp but just camp….or maybe compound. Sorry, my mind is pretty foggy.
When I woke up I was freaking out. I found that I was in Pattaya Thailand and in the middle of a coup. I was in a penthouse suite of a luxury hotel. There were bursts of gunfire outside, and explosions were rocking the foundation. I found 20,000 Baht in a brown attaché case by my jacket. The hotel staff spoke reverently of your friend but I still was unable to get a name. (I think she may be Che Guevara’s daughter!) I was able to bribe my way out of the country, thank God. Your friend is the most interesting woman that I’ve ever met in my life. There was a definite love connection (I think?) and it goes without saying that I would love a second date.
Ha!
That was definitely her. I knew it as soon as you said the word “pills”. She really gets a kick out of those things. And no, you were right. It was Cuban band camp. That girl can pound those bongo drums like nobody’s business. But then again, you probably already knew that.
Unfortunately I don’t know her name either, or I would refer to her as something other than “my friend”….because technically, she’s not. It’s a long story, one that I don’t usually talk about unless “I does the drinking”.
Let’s just say that it involves an old boyfriend of mine, a trip to Thailand, enough peyote to knock out a thoroughbred, and a few strategically placed ping pong balls. Oh, and a getaway tuk tuk.
Anyway, she seems to have matured since then (three weeks is a long time…in fact, to an male ant it’s a lifetime), so I do hope things work out with you two. Just remember never to touch her with a ten foot pole.
She hates those things.
I ..um..meant Latina by the way. Seriously.
Too late Scott.
What’s done is done. No takebacks.
Just last night, as I was calling my husky man to dinner, I commented that I felt like a 50′s woman…setting off a rather complex conversation. I”m not sure if I need the Wedgwood book or Big Boom’s.. guess it depends on how I want to proceed
Thank you for giving me options.
Your welcome, DF. Remember, I’m always here for you, just like you’re always there for me.
In fact, it’s because of you that I now have $40 worth of bananas sitting on my kitchen counter….
It’s going to be a fun weekend!
Where does your legs begin? does they begin in a bungalow?
haha! No, NM, my legs does begin in the bedroom of one studio of the apartment flat.
It does be all I know.
You end up with a lot of Nancy Drew books. Is that your forte.
Also in looking at your email address, does the reference refer to the books or to you?
Yes, Bearman. Nancy Drew is most definitely my strength. I majored in her in College. Unfortunately I had to drop out in the final year because she was too demanding. Or maybe I was just too lazy.
The email address belongs to my Auntie D, Bearman. Were you thinking of dropping her a line? I was telling Don that she has a thing for well-educated men in comfortable button-front cardigans, but lucky for you she also has a thing for quick-witted cariacatures.
What about dim-witted?
That goes without saying.
I think I understand.
To get into a woman’s bungalow, you need to look for an interesting woman and try to pry her legs apart. Unless, of course, she is poor. In that case, you will be asking yourself, “Why does I have the VD?”
Where was this kind of sage advice when I was young? Oh, and I am only responsible for probably 3 or 4 of your friend’s diseases.
True…but’s only because you passed out once you got to third base.
oh goodie, i’ve made it here jsut in time for auntie ds book mobile. creative post as usual. where do you ever find the most perfect images for these posts? another thing, have you introduced your friend to frank yet? seems those gals are right up his alley!
Hey Lynn,
What can I say, the recession freed up a lot of my time at work.;)
I haven’t introduced her to Frank yet, to be honest I didn’t know if that was his type. But if you think it might be a match, I’ll see what I can do. She’s easy that way.
(But definitely not in the other way)
A disease infested drunk slut?
Let me have a few more drinks and I’ll consider it ……………………………….
Poor, boring and has a bunghole…. I mean bungalow……
Okay, I’ll do her… I mean, I’ll call her…
Let me know how things go (fingers crossed!)
(laughing)…
I don’t have the time to read through all 27 comments so I’m not sure what comments have already been posted. Anyhoo…this post has be befuddled since I am in awe of every single one of these books. And, because I am a very slow reader (those speed reading courses were a waste of money) it will take me eons to read them all. Which should I begin reading first? What a dilemna…. “Why does poor people be poor” seems quite appealing but the picture on the covers of the Nancy Drew and the Crossed Legs books have me most intrigued. PLEASE help me decide! I will be pondering this all night which will cause me to toss and turn and keep Mr. YnB and Simon up and that will not go over well.
Dear Mr. Nbeans,
Had your attempts at speed reading succeeded, then you would have finished reading all before now.
Bill, thank you very much for your concern. I do try my hardest, but this noggin can only hold so much blogging.
P.S. I am of the female gender (I thought the pink hair might have been a dead giveaway, but maybe not.)
MS NBeans, My apologies … it’s hard to tell on the internet :)
The fact of your Female Gender would have been apparent had been apparent if I had bothered to follow your link … oops! Again, my apologies!
YangnB,
Like I said before, I cannot in good conscience allow anyone (let alone you) to read the Crossed Legs book. It just wouldn’t be prudent. Well, maybe it would since you’re already married and all, but still. It’s best not to take any chances.
And considering your high level of intelligence, I think Nancy Drew would just cause you to repeatedly bang your head against the headboard. And that would most definitely keep Mr. YnB and that zany dog of yours up all night.
I say go for the poor people, yang. I mean sure, they does be poor, but that doesn’t mean they no does know how to tell a good story…
Nice to see you back from your siesta…and you too, Tootsie!
Thanks Ying (although now I understand that should be “Yin” because of FJ’s recent post). Mr. YnB and Simon will thank you in the morning. And please excuse me for my mistake about the Crossed Leg book. Not only do I have a speed reading impediment but I obviously have a comprehension problem as well. Or maybe it’s a memory problem…I mean, I did have to scroll all the way down through 27 comments before I could post my comment. I really should have referred to the book above that one “A More Interesting Woman”. If I could learn how to read faster, remember more and comprehend better, I’m sure I would be a more interesting woman.
Trust me, YnB, you comprehend enough for the both of us. That’s why you’re the yang!
Poor Nancy Drew is the one with the comprehension/memory problems…:)
argh … make that “reading all the comments before now.”
Bill, have you been speed writing again? ;)
Even on my own posts I spend more time editing them after I’ve posted than I do actually posting … so the answer to your question is yes (unfortunately)! :(
Hey, bschooled? Still open? I mean, in the business sense of the word? I mean, in the “this particular location does not have the doors locked and is interested in exchanging goods and services for money” sense of the word?
Never mind.
Sorry I’m late.
I am curious to know which episode of “The Electric Company” dealt with VD in such an exciting but extremely dated font. I would place the font as mid-to-late 70′s which would be The Electric Company’s prime.
I can almost hear Morgan Freeman intoning something wonderful over the analog tones of an old Moog or Korg as the letters VD zoom into view. Man, I’d listen to that guy narrate anything. His voice is just amazing.
Morgan: VD.
[Letters zoom to fill center screen.]
Morgan: Venereal disease.
[Letters zoom right and off the screen. Star wipe to still shot of VD clinic.]
Morgan: A venereal disease can often cause problems. Most of us will live our lives without having to deal with VD. Others, especially those in the Navy, will find that dealing with VDs is just a fact of life.
[Cut to stock film of a Navy ship.]
Morgan: Let’s take a closer look. This is Eric.
[Cut to Eric's smiling face, but notice that his eyes look particularly haunted...]
Morgan: Eric is 22 years old. He has been in the Navy for 4 years and has been treated for a venereal disease over 38 times. Eric knows he must be careful but is often a victim of moral turbulence.
[T-U-R-B-U-L-E-N-C-E over soaring Moog tones.]
Morgan: Eric is getting married in July. He has attempted to deal with his VDs but must make a difficult choice.
Should he tell Alice that he has, not just one, but several disgusting and chronic diseases? Or should he start perfecting his involved backstory which includes a botched blood transfusion and a particularly filthy toilet seat?
Should he mention that his lips are just “a little chapped, because it’s winter and all”? Should he use this last part even though it’s clearly summer?
[Cut to Eric pacing back and forth in his room. Suddenly, Eric has an idea!]
Morgan: Eric has an idea. Let’s ask Spiderman!
[Cut to Spiderman intro}
Thanks for the inspired selection, bschooled. I’m off to discuss some odd tingling in my spider parts with Peter Parker.
Ha! Of course I’m still open! You don’t think I’d let a non-existent friend’s plethora of acute venereal diseases get in the way of my Freedom 55 (fingers crossed!) plan, now do you?
I have to say that you scare me, CLT. You scare me something fierce. You see, despite the fact that my posts and/or interactions with people in my social circle sound similar to that of a 14 year-old pubescent girl (for example, just yesterday I forced my co-worker to play the hilarity-ensuing game of “Ok, so If you had to have sex with one of the creepy IT guys on the sixth floor, who would it be?…No, you can’t “pass“, you have to pick someone. Because those are the rules, Christina! …And remember, no take-backs.”), you and I are actually around the same age.
And to think that two people from two completely different cultures (yours having Popeye’s and In-N-Out Burger, ours only able to watch the commercials) were both viewing the same television programs at the same time…well, let’s just say those cockles of my heart are pretty balmy right now.
Speaking of which, I should probably get that checked as well…
Anyway, I was a big fan of the Electric Company, and now I know why the book looked so familiar. I remember sitting in front of my television set, watching this very episode, and thinking…”You know, that botched blood transfusion and toilet seat story could really work…”
I was pretty disappointed that they never did a follow-up.
Thank you for taking me back, CLT. If it wasn’t for Electric Company, After School Specials and Sally Jesse Raphael, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Got a 14-year-old intellect? Perhaps you haven’t noticed how often I say “fuck.” If that’s not a 14-year-old intellect, I don’t know what is.
That word and variations of it are my weapons of choice. I even got some fat kids to wander around with it displayed across their chests. Perhaps you’ve seen them…
Why does poor people have open sores on their weiners? Top shelf (at last an appropriate metaphor) laughs…you’re a god to me B!!!
I have no idea why, but seriously, your comment almost caused me to “pipi moi-même” (as the French-Canadians would say).
…It’s funny when the Highbrow talk Lowbrow.
Let’s face it, FJ…you’re the God. Not only are you a photography genius, it’s because of you that I no longer look at narcolepsy the same way…
For real.