B’s How-To Guide

How To Be More Eco-Friendly

It doesn’t take a genius to see that we as human beings are destroying the environment. The ozone layer’s diminishing, forests are vanishing…when is it going to stop? And what can we do about it?

Well, quite a lot, actually. If all of us make a concerted effort to be a little ‘greener’, then the effect across the globe may end up being significant.

The following are just a few of the simple and inexpensive things you can do to help the environment.

Reduce CO2 Emissions 

The best way to do this would be to calculate the number of CO2 emissions you currently emit, then cut that total in half. For example, if you normally release two-thousand CO2 emissions each day, limit yourself to only one thousand, releasing them in smaller but more frequent portions. 

While dining at a restaurant, ask the waiter for a take-out container, then put half the emissions into the box as soon as your order arrives. Try to emit the rest slowly while enjoying other things, like the restaurant’s ambiance or the pleasant conversation you are having with your date. Remember, it takes about 20 minutes before your body starts to feel satisfied, so releasing your emissions at a slower pace will prevent you from over-emitting.

You can always take some of the emissions back out of the carton at the restaurant if find that you aren’t satisfied, but chances are you won’t want to.

Don’t Be a “Tosser” (But not in the British meaning of the word)

Don’t litter.  Put your trash where it belongs – in the garbage, recycling bin or compost it.

Others will follow your lead. 

*Keep in mind that masturbation and doing your part to help the environment are two entirely different activities, and satisfying yourself sexually really has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not you care about the environment as a whole. What you do behind closed doors is your own business, and as long as you are doing whatever it is that you do behind closed doors in a safe,  eco-friendly way, no one will be any the wiser.

Start an Eco-Friendly Facebook Group 

A great way to show others how eco-friendly you’ve become is by starting an environmentally-friendly Facebook group. Call the group something like “Mother Nature Kicks Ass” or “If I Can Get 10,000,000,000 People to Join This Group Then the Environment Will be Safe”. Since the current world population is less that 7 billion, it’s safe to say that you won’t have to follow through on this promise.

Once you’ve started your group,  invite everyone on your friends list to join. If they decline, send the request to them again. Keep sending it to them until they finally buckle under the pressure and give in.

If for some reason they don’t buckle under the pressure and instead decide to delete you as a friend, don’t worry about it. You don’t need environmentally-unfriendly friends like that anyway.

Become a Lesbian 

It’s a known fact that lesbian women (especially the butchy ones), are much more environmentally-conscious than their heterosexual, non-butchy counterparts. Have you ever seen a full on bull-dyke sporting a hairstyle that required the frequent and repeated use of an aerosol-type hairspray? Or wearing appearance-enhancing cosmetic products that may or may not have been tested on animals?

I didn’t think so.  

Don’t Shave 

Nobody would ever accuse a feral child of trying to destroy the planet. And you know why? Because they don’t shave, that’s why!  Razors are destructive. Every time you pull out a convenient Mach3 Turbo with improved lubrication and anti-friction blades, you might as well be pulling out a loaded semi-automatic and waving it around the forest like a crazy person, threatening to destroy everything that Mother Nature has worked so hard to create.

If you are truly committed to becoming the most environmentally-conscious person you can be, you need to throw all of your hair-trimming tools into the recycle bin, and let those eco-friendly tresses grow into a luxuriant shield that envelops your somewhat untoned and perhaps even cellulite-ridden body.

Remember, the more follically-abundant you are, the more people will respect you for all of the hard-work you are doing to keep the environment safe. 

* It’s also a good idea to avoid deodorant and limit bathing to once a month (whether you need it or not)

Most Importantly… Have Fun! 

Remember folks, this is your chance to  let loose and blow off some steam, in a ”non-destructive, save the world” type-fashion that would make our wild and crazy (yet ecologically-mindful) Mother Nature proud.

Now get out there and start being Green!