Twilight Book Club For 30-Somethings
2009 November 6
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The Rules Of Twilight Book-Club
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1. You do not talk about Twilight book club
2. You DO NOT talk about Twilight book club
3. If someone says “this club is stupid”, rolls their eyes, or pokes fun, the meeting is over
4. Team Edward on one side of the room, Team Jacob on the other
5. One Twi-Hard speaks at a time
6. No crosses, no garlic
7. The debate about whether or not Bella and Edward are dating in real life will go on as long as it has to
8. If this is your first Twilight book club meeting, you must bring the refreshments
I’m not allowed in this club.
Blahahahahaaahahahahah
I call it discrimination.
I would sue!!
Hey now, wait a minute…
Of course you’re allowed, Yang! Unless you’re still in your teens or twenties, that is.
30+10=30-tensomethings.
Hell, even Don Mills could join the club if he wanted to. (30-a goddamnedlotofsomethings).
Yes, I know it sounds confusing, but What can I say?
I was home-schooled…
Okay, when you put it that way….I’m not interested.
WTF Bschooled, Bdamned . Oh crap no dissing the club, whoops. Bgone!
That didn’t go well. When’s the next meeting? This is fun
good question, Frigginloon.
I’ll need to check my calendar…I have to make sure my “Team Jacob” meetings don’t conflict.
But next time remember the refreshments!
“His name was Robert Vampire Paulson.”
Ha!
The funniest thing about this post is that I’ve actually never read (or seen) Twilight.
(Looking back, I guess that would make this more of an inside joke…)
I have never read or seen Twilight either, but the quote is from Fight Club (one of my fav books and movie).
Sorry, FJ…I meant to follow that initial “Ha” I wrote with a Fight Club-like quote myself, but I must have been distracted by something shiny.
Of course I knew that…and I definitely agree. Fight Club was “kick-ass”.
Oh FJ, I love how our great minds think…
Tri-Hard – haha ha
Hmmm…refreshments…I wonder if I have any extra bags of blood in the freezer…
Good idea Talon.
Make sure it’s pulp-free, though…I can’t stand it when all those hemoglobins and platelets conglomerate at the bottom of my drink.
So what’s all this about a Twilight book club? Oh shit, I guess I can’t join now. Damn. Since my keyboard has no delete key, I guess I’ll never have to read a Twilight book or discuss reading a Twilight book.
Now if you started a Lestat/Anne Rice book club, I’d be down with that. Those were some bad ass, ancient, hard bodied, homo-erotic, really, really, really, ridiculously good looking vampires. Unlike the greasy haired, dim-witted kids of today’s undead (wow, I’m starting to sound like Don), those characters had depth. Mostly of a homo-erotic nature.
And if we have to have adolescent vampires, couldn’t they be more like the Lost Boys? They were pretty bad ass. “Maggots Michael, you’re eating maggots. How could one billion Chinese people be wrong?” And all of that.
Do these Twilight pansies even kill anybody? I feel like calling Blade. Or at least Tyler Durden.
“Do these Twilight pansies even kill anybody?”
Hmm, that sounds like a dissing, meeting over
haha! good call, Frigginloon…I didn’t even catch that.
Maybe I should step down from being President…
Don’t worry, Scott. I’m with you. Like I said to FJ, I’ve never actually read Twilight myself.
I’m also with you in the fact that I’m starting to sound like Don. And it scares me. It scares me something fierce.
Oh, and don’t even start with the Lost Boys… back in the day that movie was my crack, and Cory Haim was my “raison d’etre”. You can only imagine my complete and utter shock when I saw him years later on “The Two Coreys”.
God, do I ever have shit taste in guys sometimes.
You could always go for whatshisname…Jack Bauer? Or Michael, what ever happened to Michael?
Good question, Scott…what ever did happen to Michael?
Don’t worry, I’m on it…
I have resisted knowing anything about Twilight. However, I am addicted to True Blood
I’m with you, NM. My friends are all over the books, but so far I’ve resisted.
Unfortunately, it’s probably only a matter of time…I’m one of the few people in their thirties who still succumbs to peer pressure.
Ahhhh, Bschooled! Like Madonna, you keep reinventing yourself and raising the bar, challenging the colorful field of modern pop reference, and . . . wait, there’s the mailman.
Where was I?
Vampires! They fear me for good reason, B, and usually in the summer, when rotting misquitoes tell them my blood is no good, and the Red Cross posts warnings to their nurses and bloodmobiles: Don’t touch this Invasive One: don’t even let a single red blood cell from his hellish circulatory highway enter your system! He is a child of the eighties, his master was Pablo Escubar, and the poisons in his blood are legion!
Wimpy blood sucking bastards! In the words of Groucho, I’ll never join a club that will have me, B, and those pubescent pillars of pillaging blood plumbing will never sink their tiny canines into my man flesh! My exclamation points are bigger and sharper!
Great post!
Funny you should mention Madonna, Invasive1.
True (ish) story, whenever I have trouble coming up with an innovative idea for a post, I ask myself, “What would Madonna do?”
I mean, it never really helps much, but that doesn’t stop me from constantly wondering. (To be honest, I think it’s just an OCD thing.)
Anyway, I have to say that this comment of yours was riveting. Not only was it more expressive than a “screen full of emoticons”, it gave me a little more insight as to what exactly makes you tick. (I’ll admit, the Pablo Escobar reference was extremely helpful as well.).
Now all I have to do is a) compile a list of all the other insights I’ve gathered on you, and b) come up with some witty Horatio-isms, and we’re good to go.
Make sure you and your man-flesh stay tuned, I1!
So, this happened at work today, coincidentally enough. I was minding my own business and scouring the web for demotivational posters when my boss came up to me:
My Boss: The first rule of Twilight Book Club is you don’t talk about Twilight Book Club?
Me: I’m daydreaming again; I must’ve left the original in the copy machine.
Boss: The second rule of Twilight Book Club – is this yours?
Me: Huh?
Boss: Pretend you’re me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do? Also pretend I just heard you say “I must’ve left the original in the copy machine” out loud but in a somewhat directionless and italicized manner.
Me: Well, I gotta tell you: I’d be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that… is dangerous. In a very angsty and twee sort of way.
Me: And this black-clad, pimply MCR-acolyte might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with a butterfly knife or long-ass Highlander sword or a tear-stained journal or a tear-stained LiveJournal, pumping poem after godawful poem into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you’ve known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
Me: Edward’s words coming out of my mouth.
Boss: Edward?
Me: And I used to be such a nice guy, who could see the sunshine in everybody.
Boss: Can you at least look at me when you’re talking to… well.. I’m… never mind…
Me: Or maybe you shouldn’t bring me every little piece of trash you happen to pick up.
Me: Compliance and Liability…?
“Bella”: I’m all out of black nail polish. Can you hit Hot Topic on the way home? Also, I think I’m having my period, if you’re into that sort of thing…
Me: [to boss] Would you excuse me? I need to take this.
Nice work, bschooled. Reminds me of the nice work I had until this unfortunate incident. If nothing else, this extra free time (emphasis on “free”) will allow me to update my neglected LiveJournal with the tears of my soul.
The dialogue that goes on in your office (or should I say “went on”) is nothing short of hilarious, CLT. Well, maybe not for you…at least not right now. But trust me, one day you’ll look back on this and laugh your unemployed ass off.
Although I have no idea “what sort of thing” it was that Bella was referring to (I mean, why would a guy be into having a period? Vampire-lovers are idiots sometimes), I can relate to the rest of your dialogue. And even expand on it, as a matter of fact.
You see, we had a temp in our office for a few weeks, and she was the type who would emostalk from
officecubicle toofficecubicle, with a tear-stained netbook set to her LiveJournal site, pumping Twi-emo poem after godawful Twi-emo poem into colleagues and co-workers.Coincedentally enough, I happen to have one of her poems with me.
Twi-Dead
My heart beets darkness, this pane is unbareable
Without you Edward my life is unsufrable
My eyes bleed tears
My mind bleed memorys
Liek you put a steak in my heart and its paneful and worst of all powrful
My heart is darkning now its black liek Twilite
Theres no happyness, theres only sadness
-Emily Sorrow Bleedingwrists
All I can say is thank God she just answered the phones.
Thanks for the “movie-scene worthy” comment, CLT. I give it two black-nail painted thumbs up!
Too bad YnB!
You have no choice, I already got you a blood vial fang necklace and a “Team Edward” shirt…