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Whiskers on kittens
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Warm woolen mittens
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Brown paper packages tied up with strings
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. Awkward Family Tattoos
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“Even Awkwarder” Family Tattoos
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[...] If the story isn’t enough, there’s also some beautiful scenery which you may be able to glimpse briefly through the swelling strings and freshly-scrubbed, aggressively blonde faces. Directly responsible for some of the most disturbing images on the internet. [...]
Oh dear god Bschooled, I’m bsotted with tattoo family from hell. Why oh, why did he do it. I suppose he never has to see it, being on his back and all :( Do you think they’re his or just randoms?
Haha!
To be honest frigginloon, I don’t think they are his. In fact, I saw that very same design at the tattoo parlour when when I had had mine done years ago.
The only reason I didn’t get it is because I have a low threshold for pain…
Shame, could have looked good :)
What. The. Fuck. I’ll be back. I need time to process this. Normally, I wouldn’t say I’ll be back, I’d just come back. But this time is different. Oh……………..
Wait! Where are you going?
I’m sorry. It’s really just too much. I feel like my brain is exploding, but not in the good way. I figure it’s like this…. If you take one pretty bad kid and put him around a bunch of good kids with maybe an adult, or at least a really big good kid, then they act ok. I mean they’re not perfect by any means, but they’re not like…. terrible either. But if you take 5 or 10 pretty bad kids and put them together, give them a bunch of PCP, tequila, and crack… then they become like….super, really bad, fucked up kids. It’s a ‘the whole is greater than the sum of its parts’ thing. And then if you let them loose at a nursing home’s non-ambulatory bingo game…. all God damned hell breaks loose.
That’s what you did by putting these images in the same place at the same time B. Now there are bingo chips flying through the air, crack-fueled wheelchair races, somebody has grabbed the mike and is trying to rap (and they really suck), broken hips, bouncing balls, dropping dentures, and senior citizens trying to cover their faces with blue hair, and drooling in their laps. Now one kid just OD’d. See?
I think I’ll be back tomorrow to talk about the pussies.
Phew. You’re back. I was getting worried there for a minute.
Don’t worry about the brain explosion, Scott. The same thing happened to me at first, but I found that after a few rounds of PCP, tequila and crack (great minds think alike!) , the whole post seemed much more normal. Enticing, even.
Don’t even try to tell me that you don’t find broken hips on drooling Seniors to be somewhat amusing…
(Old people are funny that way.)
Anyway, I’d be interested to hear your take on the pussies, Scott. To be honest, I’ve been thinking about getting another one for a while now, and I heard you can get them really cheap in Thailand. I guess the only problem is that I’m not sure I can get the time off work.
Well that, and the fact that I don’t want people to think of me as “the Crazy Pussy Lady”…
Ok, I’ve found a way to maintain. If I only deal with one or two at a time, then add valium. Breathe…….ummmmK.
I’m starting to understand the thought process behind the first one now. I mean, if you look that good naked, then why wouldn’t you strategically place an obese feline on your lap, let em snap away, and show it to the world. Or at least to your dinner guests on holidays. It is truly beautiful. I especially love the numerous rolls of flesh and the guy’s man boob enveloping itself like a giant albino potato bug. And if Hindu’s are right about the whole reincarnation/karma thing, then I believe you are also looking at Hitler and Mussolini in the role of the cats.
With the second image, as much as it repulses me at a cellular level, I am happy that you were finally able to track down Jack Black’s parents.
I’ll happily go to Thailand with you; if you need moral support.
Scott,
Although your assessment on the first photo is astute, some would even say poetic even (not me, but some), I think you’re focusing too much on the area surrounding the kitten’s whiskers, and not enough on the actual whiskers themselves. Would a magnifying glass help, perhaps?
Always remember…there’s a fine line between cellular repulsion and cellular fascination.
And as for Thailand, I was hoping you would say that!
Although I have a general idea of the type I’d like to get, it always helps to have a guy’s opinion…
Ok, this is hard for me to admit but…..I’m confused. I think that I do need the magnifying glass after all. I just can’t see what you mean by the kitten’s whiskers. Is it some kind of code for some cool shit that I don’t know about?
And if they are actually kittens, why are they so big? Are they on steroids? Maybe that’s why they look ready to rage. I’m really sorry that I’m not up to my astute standards, and have so many questions. But I am going to Thailand with you so that ought to be worth some sympathy explaining!
Scott, I promise to explain it all to you while we are on our way to Thailand.
It’s much easier to understand when you can see my accompanying hand gestures…
Picture 1. I am sorry to see Penny Marshall has put on so much weight. And, frankly, I think she has an ugly pussy.
I am thrilled to see that the “mittens” painting has had its price reduced from $5000. It is going to look awesome over my fireplace.
I am too stimulated after the first two pics to look at any more. Naked humans and animals always cause a party in my pants.
Haha! Penny Marshall…to be honest, I forgot all about him. But now that I think about it, I do see the resemblance.
And like I always say, “A day without a party in Tannerleah’s pants is like a day without sunshine…”
(Sorry, I guess you probably hear that a lot.)
Ah Tannerleah… there’s no way i can top that comment…..
I, myself, long for the day when I can top one of TL’s comments….
You might consider getting yourself the equipment necessary to properly throw a “party” in your pants.
That’s what the brown paper package tied up in strings is for, silly!
An excellent posting, Bschooled.
I can see it’s time for me to send another letter of complaint to Sears for bringing back their “19.95 Nude Family Foto with Cats” package offer. I’ve been through this with them before and thought they had learned their lesson.
There is nothing worse than going into the Sears to have your Homburg re-rimmed and running up against an army of naked people toting around all manner of felines. It’s unhygienic, indecent and puts me off my melba toast.
(Those are actually cats, right? And not just really, really lifelike tattoos..?)
Your friend,
Don
I was hoping you would say that, Don! I planned to write a letter to Sears myself, but because I was caught shoplifting a pair of Jessica brand legwarmers and a Craftsman cordless power drill (don’t ask) back in my foolish “young-person” days, I knew they probably wouldn’t take me seriously.
Boy, did I ever learn my lesson.
Funny you should mention the Homburg, though. To be honest, I always pictured you as more of a Trilby man. Then again, that’s probably one of the reasons I find you to be so enigmatic. (In a predictable way, of course.)
Anyway, thank-you for the comment, Don. I find it extremely comforting to know that you and I are always on the same page.
Even if your book is a lot dustier and old-like.
Your friend,
Bschooled
Many thanks Bschooled,
The Trilby is an excellent hat. I have several. I also have a fine deerstalker cap and something that half resembles a kamelaukion.
I tend to save the Homburg for special occasions like baptisms, funerals and the signing of peace accords.
Don
The only peace accords I’ll ever follow are the ones signed by you, Don.
Show me any others and I’m just not interested.
You find the strangest, most marvelous stuff. :)
Hey George!
What can I say…
I guess that’s what happens when your boss still doesn’t realize that your job is redundant.
Thanks for stopping by,
Bschooled:)
Ooohh….B goes erotica!!
Take that back, YnB!
I just really like cats and knitting, ok?
Besides, I’m saving my eroticism for marriage…
Yea, yea…..I’ve heard THAT before. ;-)
Is that Penny Marshall and John Wayne Gacy??
Do you and TL have a thing for Penny Marshall?
To answer your question, though…yes, it is.
What about JWG?
I just Googled him, and yes…it also is.
Good eye, Bearman!
OH and TL has a thing for females period.
Females period?
Well, that’s something I’d rather not know about….
Sweet Jesus, you put me back a long time ago up on Boston Post Road in Massachusetts, a roadside strip joint called “Pudgy’s”, a four-hundred pound stripper bending over as I turned toward the stage and decided to skip that warm beer and leave, just after the performer said . . .
“When you look at my ass now, it says ‘WoW’”
That same disturbed smile. That . . . same . . . damn . . . smile . . . with a MUCH larger pussy displayed.
I am hunted, B. Haunted and doomed forever.
The cats looked pissed!
Hahaha!
Although I can’t imagine that being a fond memory, Invasive1, it’s definitely one of those where you can look back on it and say “WoW…did that really happen?” (Or maybe it isn’t…tough to say).
Regardless, I want to thank-you for the disturbingly honest visual. Although I feel as though I may throw up a little in my mouth, I do realize that is an important part of having favorite things.
So thank-you, Invasive1. Your flashbacks make me want to be a stronger person.
ps. Why is it that no one’s noticing the actual whiskers on the cats? Perhaps I should have used a different picture….
EEEWWWW.. You’ve gone kinky… the tats are awful and the torture being endured by those 2 pussies is awful.. it’s like pussy abuse, we need to call the Animal Social Services.
What do you mean I’ve gone kinky? DF, it’s me, remember? The same person who gets her sexual education from informative postings like this- http://delicacies.wordpress.com/2009/10/26/practice-makes-perfect/
Am I the only one who’s focusing on the whiskers here?
Touche!
No, I was focusing on whiskers and mittens… downright………….furry!
Note that you are ‘saving my eroticism for marriage’.???? Is there a wedding in the future? Cause I know just the dress! http://delicacies.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/just-in-time-for-the-wedding/
Haha!
Well, I guess if you’re letting me “sculpt” your next dress, the least I could do is take your advice.
Let’s just hope my future husband is into sports…(fingers crossed!)
really? Are your fingers crossed? I think not……
Can you do a lacy effect w/ your sculpting?
Oh boy! I really think the first photo is the poster child of animal abuse! Poor pussies!
Those tattoos – oh, Lord above! I can just see how delightful those faces are gonna look as gravity takes over!
Haha!
I never thought about that Talon, but you’re right.
That poor woman on the bottom is going to have jowls like nobody’s business…
Hello Bschooled,
Just wanted to share this link:
For more great works, visit MOBA at museumofbadart.org
Hey Disillusioned,
Thank you so much for that link, it made my day!
I have to say, I’m somewhat partial to the suicide painting…
“Bloody cloud bursts in an otherwise clear sky, frothing nostrils as the bovine beast dives, lemming like, and misses the phosphorescent, oily, swimming hole.”
Now that’s what I call artistic…
I can’t believe I never knew about this…I think I may have finally found a place for my unique “Kitchen Appliance and/or Non-Perishable Food Items Sculptures”.
Thanks again, Disillusioned. I owe you one (aka. free sculpture coming your way…)
Bschooled:)
cant wait, dear! I would love to be the proud owner of the post it note series. Is so challenging- Keep up the excellent work.
Kisses Dahling, D
Hi bschooled… Holy Shit, these are some freaky ass pictures… err.. I mean freaky pussy-n-tat pictures. Wow, you’re really evolving into…. ummm… something… Did you forget to take some medication or what? I find it intriguing… I can’t stop looking at those pictures… Damn, maybe I need to be on some medication…
Umm…is this Frank?
I mean, you sound like Frank…but you look like you could pass for one of Penny Marshall’s pussies?
Why yes, I’m posing as a pussy for a while… I’m not proud of it but what the hell, it’s keeping the Feds from finding my Meth Lab… Ooops… Did I say to much? Damn where’s my bong!
Don’t worry Frank, your secret is same with me…
(But only because I have the memory of a brain-damaged goldfish)
Hahahaha
You’re killing me…that’s so weird I think Scott’s head will explode. I will be upgrading my art collection. A naked woman masturbating with a bear is way cooler than dogs playing poker.
Maybe I’ll get a tat on my back of those two naked people holding cats.
Haha!!!
If you do that, I’ll get the tattoo of the dogs playing poker. But on my chest.
Because let’s face it, FJ…that’s what friends do.
I do not know where you find this stuff…and maybe I don’t want to. You are a genius, hands down.
Hey M,
I think genius might be “pushing it” a little, but thank you for the compliment.
And no, you probably don’t want to know where I find this stuff…;)
Thanks for stopping by M,
Bschooled:)
Wow. A fine collection of inspiring people. “How inspiring, Alan?” you might possibly ask me.
“Well, bschooled,” I’d say with a light chuckle and a lack of pelvic thrust from my razor blade hips, “They were sooooo inspiring that I was inspired.”
At this point, you’d understandably be getting a little fed up with me.
“For fuck sake,” you’d wonder to yourself, “is he ever going to get to the point?”
“I am getting to the point,” I’d respond.
“Holy shit, you can read minds!” you’d exclaim.
And then we’d share a hearty laugh. A crack pipe and a 12 pack.
Anyway, my point is that these delightfully creepy souls inspired “The Alphabet of Eeew!”
A are the animals that are photographed with White Trash
B are these human beasts, who are most deserving of the lash
C is for crap, why are these people on my planet?
D is for Dave who has a tattoo of his past daughter Janet
E is for Eva, who does the nasty with a bear
F is feeling sick, and yet still I continue to stare
G is for God and these folk prove there isn’t one
H is for human touch, because sitting down can be fun
I is for idiots, ignorance and icky
J is jump in take your choice, I’m not feeling picky (just sicky)
K is for kill me or blind me at least
L is the love of a cat lover’s purrfect feast (WTF??? I don’t know, let’s move on, okay? )
M is for more, as in “no more, no more, this ain’t where it’s at!”
N is for naked, what seedy couples sometimes get with a cat
O is my optomism for the human race
P is the point that I think it’s a disgrace
Q are these quirky people – and who am I to judge them
R is but really, sex with a bear – that’s just sick man
S is sex with a bear or getting naked with your cat?
T I’m tattooing my family on back, that’s where it’s at
U is underwhelmed by my poem and sort of queasy
V is a vibrating chair that might make me feel better, but sleazy
W is wow, what a collection of folk
X is for exorcism… um something oh matron, and something egg yolk
Y are these yokels who are good for a laugh or three
Z is for zoo, let’s throw them in one toss away the key
W is for Well Played as in Well Played Alan. I hate to be a buzz kill, but I am pretty sure I saw this same list on Sesame Street.
V is for Very very very likely you did, my friend
And it’s also for Virgin, which is how Elmo will die in the end
Oh, Alan!
How great it is to see you! I was starting to get worried…I was all like “Is he pulling a Littlest Hobo on us?”
And then my other personality was all like “Chill out, B…he’s busy…he’s got fucking cod to fry…”
I have to say that it ended up in quite the argument, but in the end I realized I was really hungry…so I let it go.
Anyway, I have to say that the “Alphabet of Ewww!” is brilliant Alan! I laughed, I cried…it was like Cats! On naked chubby people even!
In fact, it beats my “Russian Alphabet of Бттт!” hands down…
Я is for the Яблоко that I had for breakfast
Б is for the Банановый хлеб that I also had for breakfast (what can I say, I was голодный!)
К is for the poor Коты that were forced to sit on their owners’ bare lap
П is for Передающаяся половым путем (also known as the “clap”)
E is for elephantitis…it doesn’t translate to Russian
Г is for the Головная боль when I got that concussion
О is for Oльной престарелый человек, just work with me here
в is for виски gets you drunker than beer!
И is for иглу where the Eskimos sleep
Ш is for Шлюха человека, he sure was a creep…
Л is for Лбелый хлам it tastes like an orange
н is for ничто, because ничто rhymes with orange!
ы is for ыокрытие, it’s a wonderful trick
c is for c екс with a bear…man that’s sick!
т is for тритон, тшеинар and ткот
ж stands for “Look at the жерелье I bought!”
в is the веселье that Alan ensues
д is the деньги I’ll need for my cruise
Unfortuntely I wasn’t able to get to the rest of the alphabet, The Hills was on TV and I still don’t have a PVR…
Didn’t Grizzly Adams abduct the Littlest Hobo and make him his mountain bride…?
You’re very kind, bschoooled,
But you know it, and I know it, your “Russian Alphabet of Бттт!” not only got you a full scholarship to The University of Minsk (Go, Fighting Minksis!) but it also earned you the status of poet laureate in Vladivostok, a city made famous for it’s “Winter of Cold Love” rock show, (featuring performances by The Dzerzhinsk Pop Tarts, Sly and the Family Oblomov, The Kaliningrad Cowboys, Кд and the Sunshine Band of Peasants, The Angry Young Potato Farmers – and, of course, you, performing your acoustic version of Vladivostok.)
You really wowed the serfs and vassals with that touching and poetic song of yours… If I may share your lyrics with the rest of the gang…
Vladivostok (lyrics by bschooled/music Igor Marx and bschooled)
Groovy comrades we are godless children
Hoist your vodka and praise the Kremlin
I met a peasant with an ox and potato
And this he told me, yes he said so
I’m going on down to Yuri’s farm
Because I caused the motherland harm
I’m going there and it’s a drag
The rest of my days, locked in a Gulag
We are communists
We are owned by the state
And we better believe them
When they tell us it’s great
It will be a cold day in Minsk
When we can vote
Until then, something something pinsk
And something something sardines in a boat
Yes, my comrade
We’ve got it bad
And that ain’t good, don’t you know
Oh, brother, can you spare a potato?
By the time we got to Vladivostok
We were half a million chained
And everywhere there was work and pain
And I dreamed I saw the farmers
handing out potatoes to everyone
And we made them into vodka
And got drunk under the motherland’s sun
We are communists
We are owned by the state
And we better believe them
When they tell us it’s great
Well, I may not know much about the Russians (although I do love their alphabet!…oh, and their Передающаяся половым путем, of course), but I do know my potatoes! Which obviously would explain why I did such a stupendous job creating this song.
I guess what I was trying to get across with this smash hit, was how important it is to be communist. And something something pinsk.
(Um…let me know if I’m wrong here, ok?)
Anyway, thank-you for the words of encouragement, Alan. It’s because of you that I shall now don on my Ushanka, place my Valenki over my frost-bitten toeskis, and get to work on my next masterpiece, entitled “Get your Muravyov-Amursky Peninsula’d hands off my Potato Soup!” (lyrics by bschooled/music Raffinski and bschooled)
It’s gonna bring the Kremlin down!
Haha! You rock the red square, comrade!
Bschool
So by the looks of things…therapy is going well for you..hahahahahaahahahah..I swear you are twisted… i like that though…zman sends
Hey Zman!
Well, technically, I’m not the one who’s twisted. You see, I don’t actually make the pictures, I just post them and add the accompanying dialogue…
(Totally different)
Thanks for stopping by, Zman…always good to see you.
bschooled:)
Flashback #2,346:
Movie: “The Edge”, starring Anthony “Cannibal” Hopkins and Alec Baldwin:
“To kill the bear you must be the bear.”
I really want to be that bear right about now, Bschooled.
Okay, it passed. Whew. Carry on!
Invasive1,
Trust me, all you have to do is believe you are the bear, and it will happen. It’s all about having faith.
(LSD also helps.)
Grrrr!!
Sorry I have been away! Did you mean to have whiskers on kittens and warm wool mittens back to back? Because, I like that. Talk about warm mittens. sheesh
Haha! Warm indeed…
I’m glad you’re back, Will! It’s never the same without my “brother from another set of parents…”
ps. Of course I meant to have the whiskers and mittens back to back…that’s just the way I roll.
Dear high-speed, erect turtle serving alcohol to minors, B
Stupendous post. Especially the Felis Catus photo. I will join Alan’s analysis and add by saying it’s not only inspiring, but also ‘Stimulating’.
One can only imagine how good they felt pressed against that middle-aged couple’s fur. I haven’t been this envy at someone / something since my buddy Y stole our friend L’s virginity – in a shack, no less.
Bring it home,
Frankelstache
Dear “I Said I Was Touched By An Angle, Not An Angel” FS,
Thank-you for the tremendous compliment. Coming from a scholar/obvious “non-typical sexual lifestylist” such as yourself, it means a lot.
I hope to one day hear the story about your buddy. It sounds a lot more romantic than my friend Y’s experience, which took place in the handicapped washroom at TGIFs…
It’s already been “brought-en”,
Bschooled
Classic stuff, bschooled and that includes the alphabet-off(sp?) with Alan.
I’m fairly sure I know that bear. In fact, I know I know that bear.
And that’s no bear.
It’s “weekend dad.” The original “weekend dad.” Remember him? He used to hang around dressed as a bus stop?
http://justmakingconvo.com/2009/10/07/a-few-of-my-favorite-things-16/
This was apparently in his younger days before he met my mom. And by “met” I mean “felt up at/as the bus stop and then later drunkenly impregnataed.”
He apparently used to “rake in all sorts of trim” in that suit, or so he would tell me every other weekend, when we weren’t blowing my child support at the racetrack or dodging angry husbands/process servers.
He had quite the way with the “ladies.” And by ladies I mean “mitten-wearing sluts with self-esteem problems, mittens and summer bus passes.”
I’m not sure when this photo was taken, or if it even is a photo. Upon closer inspection, I’m pretty sure he made this himself using his Crayola paint set and his University of Phoenix degree.
Thanks for bringing back the awkward memories, bschooled. It’s like therapy in here, only free and without any quantifiable results. OK. Exactly like therapy. Except for the “free” part.
Of course I remember your weekend Dad, CLT…in fact, I remember all of them! Even the ones who were more like “weekend Uncles”…or “weekend Uncles once removed”…
Ok, so I realize that this is a touchy subject and all, but do you happen to know which Degree “original weekend dad” completed at the University of Phoenix? Not that it matters I guess. Every time I apply there, they send me a rejection letter…apparently I’m not “financially-able enough” for their prestigious institiution.
Thankfully I found an alternative online-school that lets you pay as you go. According to the “University of Feenix”, I’ll be earning a Rocket-Science Degree in as little as 10 minutes!
But enough about me.
Thanks for the wit-infused comment, CLT. I await the day you turn your “weekend-Dad” memories into a collection of short essay-like stories. Not only would it be therapeutic for you, I have no doubt it would knock everything Dr. Phil ever wrote out of the water.
Let’s go back to the Alantru/Bschooled love fest! You know Russian? I’m in awe and .. how do you get it on the computer? is there a translation feature or do you have like a , um… secret spy computer?
I love Russia and all (or most) things Russian…
And, alantru is the bomb.. creatively spoken!
Haha…I wouldn’t be in too much, awe, DF. All of my Russian was learned from a Teacher who went by the name of “Babelfish”.
And without my “copy and paste” skills, I wouldn’t be where I am today…(which, coincedentally enough, is at work?)
PS. You’re right, DF…Alantru is definitely the creative bomb!
those tatoos are just gross. why would someone do that?
I’m so confused by the tattoos…Why? Why? WHY?!