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Back by popular demand (depending on what your definition of “popular” is), Auntie D is back, showing off some of her most spectacular literary conquests to date!
The following are just a few of the riveting reads you’ll find in her latest “Collection O’ Classics”.
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“Moment of Truth” is the long-anticipated prequel to Maggie Price’s other two bestselling novels, aptly titled ”Is That It?” and “Sorry, I’m Washing My Hair Tonight.”
While I don’t want to give too much away, I will say that up until Chapter 8 it’s a real a page-turner.
Still, because the ending is such a huge disappointment I can’t in good conscience recommend it.
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Eleanor Burns may be in her golden years, but this sprightly sexpot still has the same money shot that’s been bringing the boys to her yard for the past quarter century!
In this sensual yet incontinence-friendly guidebook, she reveals the secrets behind her erotic “bring the bling to grandma” moves that keep the old codgers and men with creepy fettishes coming back for more.
The following are just two of the ”Woah Nellies“ you’ll find in her provocative manual.
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The Geriatric Grind
Hobble over to the triangle made by your clients’ open legs. Stand with your slightly hunched back facing him and your swollen feet together. Bend your gout ridden knees and gently put your arthritic hands on his lap. Lower your saggy bottom toward him so you can feel his crotch graze upon your weathered skin, then keeping your hands on his knees for support, grind down gently, moving your one good hip in a circular motion.
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The WTF??
Turn towards your client while he’s sitting down and bend forward slightly, being careful not to put your back out. Look at him coquettishly and stroke or lightly slap your flaccid bottom. While still facing him, gently sway from your cankles, opening your frail legs gradually. Slowly bend over so that your face is level with his face, then start brushing from side to side so that you’re stroking the top of his feet with your nipples. Keep moving in a provocative way throughout.
*Warning- The accompanying photos in this manual may not be suitable for young children or those with a weak stomach
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.Willy W. Bauer is your average 17-year old teenage boy. He loves Twitter, Guitar Hero and chillin’ with his boo at the local arcade every weekend.
In this enlightening ”coming of age” novel, Willy gives us an inside look as he faces the difficult struggles that come along with the inevitable transition from boyhood to manhood.
He holds nothing back as he talks candidly about the pressures of trying to “fit in” at College, his first heartbreak, premature male-pattern baldness and untimely facial jowls.
What can I say, it’s a great read.
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Elizabeth Svensden is a firm believer in the wise old saying, ”Once you go donkey, you’ll never go honkey.” After reading the true story about her brief yet intense relationship with a charismatic odd-toed ungulate, I have a feeling she might be right.
While working in the red-light district in Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua, Elizabeth meets a domesticated Mexican ass named Don Quixote who captivates her with his latin charm and enormous toothy grin. They begin a passionate love affair, one that lasts until Don Quixote’s ex–a burro by the name of Jenny–comes back into the picture, throwing a few “punches” into the mix (so to speak).
It’s a steamy book, one that will leave you craving more (and more, and MORE!)
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.There’s a reason why Robert Fulghum’s book ”Take Small Steps To Your Dreams Even If It Looks Like A Vagina” is a #1 International Bestseller.
Not only does this man know something about living the dream, he also knows the female reproductive system like nobody’s business.Here’s what the readers had to say:
“I have many dreams, I just never follow them because they remind me of a giant vaginal oriface. I thought I was crazy, but thanks to this book I now realize that I’m not alone. Thanks Mr. Fulgham!”
-Bill, Eurotophobia patient
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“Using explicit diagrams and a few witty puns, Willy has taught me that with a little patience and a lot of perseverance, there’s no va jay-jay in the world that I can’t conquer.”
-Mike, Pro Hockey Player
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“This is a great book, but unfortunately it didn’t help me because my dreams look more like vagimas…”
.. -D. Shenkelman, Idiot
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*Thanks for stopping in to check out Auntie D’s latest and greatest. If you’re interested in purchasing any of the above reads, please don’t hesitate to contact me for a quote.
Do they have a “My Dreams Look Like An Anus” version? I would definitely get that one.
I thought my favorite new sex move was a Rainbow Kiss but there is no way it trumps a good WTF? Thanks for helping me learn a new way to party in my pants.
Auntie D never fails to deliver.
TL,
I cannot believe that I actually had to look up the term “Rainbow Kiss”. (I also can’t believe there is such a thing, but that’s neither here nor there.)
I’m beginning to think that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to one-up Senor “Fiesta en mis Pantalones”.
You are my Allah. For realz.
I forgot how fun reading could be. You rock Auntie D.
Is there a moment more truthful or loaded with tingling veracity than when a woman reaches into your pocket to feel your weiner?? I defy you to name one!
Elizabeth Svensden’s much needed book has finally brought bestiality the mainstream recognition it deserves.
While Robert Fulghum’s book Take Small Steps To Your Dreams Even If It Looks Like A Vagina is a run romp through dreamscapes and naughty bits, his follow-up work Common Thoughts on Uncommon Genitals is groundbreaking.
Hilarious
Ha! How about when two women reach into your pocket to feel your weiner? And a midget?
(I have no idea what that means, btw)
We really need more women like Elizabeth in the world…she makes being a pet owner “fun again”.
And yes, FJ, you are right. Not only is Common Thoughts on Uncommon Genitals groundbreaking, it’s hymen-breaking. (But only the rare kind.)
Hilarious(er)!
Bschooled, excellent recommendations as usual… Amazingly, your books remind me of another time that I’m trying to forget. Please allow me to share yet another personal moment with you, if that’s okay?
Happened about two weeks ago. I was in Panama City Beach, Florida… While out with a few drunken friends of mine, they convinced me to go into a real rat hole looking stripper joint. Bad decision…after quite a few tequila shots, the stripper began to look really pretty. So of course, we began slapping her behind with our hands as she wiggled her bum in front of us.
Soon, we were giving her a full swing and after each thwack she would innocently look over her shoulder at us and say “is that the best you can do boys?” I was really impressed, so I slapped even harder… didn’t faze her… what a woman, huh? All for only one dollar a swing… Man, you should’ve been there… What a wild time…
Well, a few days later…what do you know, the pictures show up… and damn, that stripper wasn’t so pretty after all, she looked like she could be Eleanor Burns’ older sister… wow, what a drunk fest that was, and what a headache and hangover the next day…
I certainly can’t recommend this kind of “Woah Nelly” to anyone beyond the age of 70. I hope that you agree!
And then the donkey book.
I was thinking if we could’ve had some charismatic odd-toed ungulate donkeys up on that stage… can’t say that I’ve ever slapped a donkey’s behind, especially in a run down stripper joint. Now that would’ve been a crazy CRAZY PARTY! But again, let’s limit this kind of craziness to the under 70 crowd…
Best wishes,
CatGod (Formerly known as Ornery Frank, but you can call me Frank.)
CatGod/Frank! (I’m glad we cleared that up)
I must say, that based on what I’ve gathered from reading about these “personal moments” that you’ve shared, you seem to have quite the adventurous spirit. And if you haven’t already, you really should think about starting your own pay-per-view blog. I’m telling you, some people would pay good money to read the graphic details about your crazy night in Panama City Beach, Florida. Especially the “rat-hole stripper joint” and “Eleanor burns’ older sister” part. (Trust me, I work with a few of said ‘people’).
Just some food for thought.
Anyway, thank you for sharing that story with me, Frank. And although the visual probably would have killed me, you’re right…I really should have been there. (An invitation would have been nice???)
Always good to hear from you Frank,
Bschooled:)
Oh that is awesome! I had vagima on the mind today and what do you know? Here it is!
Vagima is our word, Will.
(It also happens to be my “safety word”, but that’s neither here nor there.)
Let’s watch the Eleanor Burns bashing. Have you ever tried to make a living selling quilts? You are the only one at the flea market that people won’t even stop by to look.
So if Eleanor needs to make some dough to keep a roof over her head, then who are you to judge.
You’re preaching to the choir, Bearman. Did you happen to forget that I’m an expert sculptor? I feel Eleanor’s pain. (Not the physical old-person related pain, mind you, but the emotional stuff.)
I push my goods at the flea market every second weekend (if I’m not hungover). And what do I get for it? Nothing. Hell, even the geriatric rug hooker who has her booth set up next to mine gets more business…and her yarn is synthetic!
But do you see me complaining? No…and you know why? Because I do it for the love of my art, not for the ridiculous amounts of money I could probably rake in had I developed a better marketing plan.
So what’s my point, you ask?
You tell me.
Your point is that you will be soon announcing that you will begin stripping to make money.
Yeah, right Bearman.
As if people would buy the cow when they get the milk for free…
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Nevermind.
Holy sh*t, bschooled is going to be stripper! Yes, I have a few dollar bills ready…
thwack! thwack!
I only take loonies and Twonies…
I am scared to ask what that “Thwack” sound was.
My (deceased) ex-dead-mother-in-law used to say “Once you go black you never go back” She’d have loved the donkey-honkey comparison.
Me: I’ve never thought donkeys were hot.. I’m more a stallion girl myself!
Thank you so much for the review. there are some books here that are must haves. I’m headed off to Amazon right now!
Now that I think about it, I may have confused the phrases a little. The black/back once sounds a lot more familiar…(not to mention plausible).
If anyone’s a stallion girl, DF, you are! In fact I came up with some new phrases just for you.
“Once you go Stallion, you never go Italian”
“Once you go Stallion, you deserve a medallion”
“I may go Stallion, but I’m not in the Battalion”
They still need a little tweaking…
B…Let me tell you…I too was disappointed with the ending of “Moment of Truth” but I went on to read the fourth book her series titled “Pencil Thin” and believe me, it put “Moment of Truth” to shame. No more do I look at a pencil in the same way.
Considering I am getting close to personally reaching 25 years of stripping, it might be a good idea for me to get a copy of this book. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have never done this as a profession, just as entertainment for my significant other. Although, I don’t hear any complaints, my mottos have always been “Better to be safe than sorry” and “Don’t put off what you can do today”, so as long as I still have my flexibilities about me, reading up and practicing these (what appear to be very intricate moves) could only help me when the time arrives when my butt and boobs are saggin’ and waggin’ in the breeze.
Ha! I can’t believe you read “Pencil Thin”, YnB! I saw it at the bookstore as well, but I couldn’t be bothered. Actually that’s not true. I probably could be bothered, had I not gone back and read her first novel, titled “Tripod”.
It’s a lot to take in (pretty intense storyline), but if you like that kind of thing, I highly recommend it.
As for the 25 years of stripping, I think you’re a long way off from needing this book. Although I do need to push Auntie D’s goods (I get a 10% cut of the profits), I can’t see you getting anything out of it. Especially since Eleanor started stripping when she was 55.
Tell you what…I’ll look in Auntie D’s stash and see if she has an “Not as a Profession, Just Entertainment for my Significant Other” book. Trust me…I’m pretty sure I’ll find something.
Oh Lordy, B, the bait is truly set for Mister Mills, but until that fateful comment . . .
I don’t even know where to begin. I’m still reeling from that time long ago, when a drunk biker chick went pocket diving for “The Moment of Truth” in Rhode Island, both of us unaware that my car keys had punctured a McDonald’s ketchup packet, until she withrew her seemingly bloody hand.
Ha ha! What an ice breaker!
She said it must be “that time of month,” called me her bitch, and the rest is a beautiful leather blur.
Ahhhhh, the good ‘ol days . . . all we needed were some fries!
Please tell Aunty hello for me, and thanks for another great post!
Wow, Invasive1, those sound like good old days indeed.
Although I do question the type of girls you dated back then. Don’t most drunk biker chicks look like this?
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/76/A_Dyke_on_a_Bike_by_David_Shankbone.jpg/490px-A_Dyke_on_a_Bike_by_David_Shankbone.jpg
Then again, I could be wrong. (I don’t get out much.)
You found her, B!
I need her number pronto, as lint is building up in my Dockers. Better yet . . . sweat pants! A direct line to the Jockey puppet, if she leaves those locking vice grips behind.
I do remember blonde hair (black roots, but what the hell), and a more Glenn Close-stalker kind of look, with less severe bone structure. I say “biker chick” because she knew a notorious biker bar, but people oalso viewed it as a kind of “supply store” for midnight needs, and she was definately fueld by more than horny curiosity. But I stand corrected, Bschooled; my choices back then were often sub-par, and viewed through the tinted lense of beer goggles.
Haunted though . . . I can never escape those long nights in Rhode Island. Or Bogota, for that matter, near Dario Echandia. Oops . . . coming back . . . coming back . . . there!
Thanks for the photo link — she looks like the father I never had . . . and that’s a good thing!
Believe it or not, she looks like the Uncle I really do have…
Thanks to Auntie D’s bookmobile, I now have a sound financial plan for my golden years!
Hey Talon!
I have a feeling you can put your talents to better use. Remember, the WTF?? is only meant for those who don’t have any backup skills.
Or shame, for that matter.
AuntieD rocks..
i think i had my share of weeks laugh..
Nice to see you again, Shraddha! Thanks for stopping by…
b:)
When does Eleanor Burns have time to quilt? Poor bitch, it must pay for her hobby :(
OK little Johnny, where did Willy W. Bauer touch you? Here just point on this doll :(
I wonder if they have proper beds at The Donkey Sanctuary or do you have to sleep in the barn?
Hmm, my dreams don’t look like no black hole….you dick!
You ask a lot of important questions, Frigginloon.
I’m hoping they’re rhetorical, though…only because I’d hate to find out the answers.
(Especially with regards to the last two…)
Eleanor Burns is alive and well and teaching strip classes at the Gimcrack
Haha…why am I not surprised?
I read a lot of funny, witty, intelligent, biting posts and commentary but it is not often that I literally laugh out loud. You made me laugh out loud with “stroking the top of his feet with your nipples” I also throw up a little at the same time, but well worth it, for ‘donkey-honkey,’ and for “unexpected punches.” Your subtle reference humor is as outstanding as 13 of my warrants.
“Moment of Truth” – It looks like at least two people didn’t heed my Warning Lines advise for first dates. That’s ok; I don’t follow my own advice.
“Still Stripping” – While Eleanor is a GGILF, I just can’t go there. Based on her left hand, she’s expecting a package that I just can’t deliver. Maybe she should see the guy in M.O.T. book. Besides, her house is way too cluttered for me.
“Moving into Manhood” sounds like it’s the Catcher in the Rye for a new generation. Maybe mixed in with a little Benjamin Button. Sold! I’ll take 3, Christmas is coming up.
I’d also like 20 copies of “A Passion for Donkeys.” Christmas is coming up and that book will sell like ….well, like donkeys over here.
If the last book is an international best seller, then I have vastly underestimated the purchasing power of 40 year old virgins. I know the movie did well, but damn. I have a few business plans that suddenly require a massive restructuring.
Amazing B!!
HA!
Well, Scott, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve literally laughed out loud/threw up a little over your posts/comments (although I think the throwing up part was Gypsy Rose’s fault), so I’m honored that I was finally able to do the same for you.
Speaking of laughing out loud, I think you might be right about GGILF’s left hand. I just thought she was warming up for her Queen E version of “The Slap and Tickle”.
Your books are on their way. And as for your “virgin business” restructuring (did I pick up what you were putting down correctly?), don’t do anything until I get there. Trust me, I know how to deal with these virgin-types.
Believe it or not, I actually used to be one.
Thanks for the stellar comment, Scott. I’m looking forward to the day when you and I finally join forces. We’ll be like Donny and Marie! (Only funny…and less aesthetically unpleasing…)
Yea, the Gypsy Rose in indeed infamous for puking/inducing puking in others as well as all things puke related.
You absolutely picked up what I was putting down correctly. If we were playing pick up sticks you would be the all time champion. Although I hate that game as much as I hate 52 pick-up. God damn bastard cops interrupting my God damn poker games…
I too can’t wait for the day when you forsake your God forsaken country, join me in my Europeon decadence, and we become the next Sid and Nancy. (Only funnier and less heroin overdosing)
You are the stellarest of them all!
OMG, I totally forgot about pick-up sticks.
Dropping those sharply-pointed sticks in a pile on the table only to ‘accidentally’ stab your younger sister in the eyes with them repeatedly because she wouldn’t play by the rules was one of my favorite childhood games.
Too bad I didn’t get to play it all that much…
Sid and Nancy (Only funnier and “a little” less heroin overdosing) 4-Eva!
A fascinating collection of tomes Bschooled.
I applaud your Auntie D for her continuing efforts to dig up old classics and blow the dust off them.
As you’ll likely have anticipated, I found my interest piqued by Ms. Eleanor Burns and her “Still Stripping After 25 Years” book.
While I’m strongly opposed to stripping, burlesque, flash dancing, public displays of affection, the robot, dirty thoughts, the collegiate shag, laps of any sort, visible ankles, two piece bathing costumes, open mouth kissing and nudity in general, I have to commend Ms. Burns for her dedication to her craft.
She has “sticktoitiveness.” (Granted, modern strippers also have this trait but in an entirely different and rather unseemly manner).
In my day once you made a career choice you stayed with it. You didn’t toss your tassels aside after 6 months on the job and decide that you wanted to go to law school or become a masseuse. You accepted your lot, took pride in your work and became the best damned stripper or plumber or travelling salesman you could be.
So, while Ms. Burns will unquestionably spend an eternity in Hell for her actions (and rightfully so) – full damned marks for commitment to her work.
I assume the book is hard cover? If so, and the print is a decent size, I’d like to order it and have it sent to my brother York in time for Christmas. He’s fond of all things carnal and enjoys books with pictures.
Many thanks.
Your friend,
Don
Mister Mills is in the house! Damn funny stuff . . .
Don,
Sorry for the tardy reply, I had to dig through the attic to find my Great Grandmothers original Merriam Webster…I wasn’t sure what “tomes” were, and I didn’t want to give you an ill-informed response.
Anyway, thank-you for the tremendous comment, Don. Although I don’t pretend to understand your aversion to the robot, I do agree with everything else you’ve said. Especially when it comes to “sticktoitiveness”. Take Bernie “White Socks” Barker for example. Do you think he’d have become famous enough to make the cover of Life magazine had he not stuck it out even when times were tough?
http://cache3.asset-cache.net/xc/1327069.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=17A4AD9FDB9CF1939057D9939C83F106C971885BA70DEC61B01E70F2B3269972
I think its safe to say that we could all take a page from Bernie’s book. And Eleanor’s.
Anyway, thanks again for the thought-provoking comment. And keep your eye out for the mail (not literally). I’m sending a special Eleanor hardcover for York (he’s gonna love it!), and a little something for you, just for being the “Sticktoitiver” that you are.
(*hint- it’s life-sized, it’s autographed, and it’s wearing white socks)
President (and Treasurer) of your fan club,
Bschooled
I am baffled and more than a little covered in my own vomit after this selection.
What perplexes me is that a passionate burro book would need (or even be able to find) someone to write a foreword for it.
It would seem to me that one with a passion for donkeys would probably not be able to broach the subject in a casual enough manner to pick up an accredited co-writer without sending them running for the safety of their human loved ones.
Elizabeth: Virginia, you’re a writer, right?
Virginia: That’s what my visa says. Why?
E: I have a book I’d like to publish, but I need a well-written foreward.
V: Is this about your infamous passions for the quadropeds of Central Ameria?
E: You know me so well! Let’s make out and then go pick up some donkeys!
V: You got it, sister! Let me just grab my Astroglide and amyl poppers.
That’s just horrible! People behaving this way. Makes you yearn for a simpler time when the only donkey info you could get was badly illustrated and written in border Spanish. You could pay a hooker 200 pesos to translate it and another 500 to pretend she understood English.
The world today is a horrifying place. Thank god Robert Fulghum’s vagina fetish will see us through and replace our Updike books in the family room.
Great work as always, bschooled.
Ha!
“Infamous passions for the quadropeds of Central America…”
You never hear that line enough these days, hey?
You’e right CLT. It boggles my mind as well (or at least it does now that you brought it up and made me go back to actually look at the book again). I’m guessing Elizabeth found Virginia after posting an ad on Craigslist.
“Looking for a well-versed woman who loves African wild ass. Experience preferred.”
Thanks for the thought provoking comment, CLT. I can’t remember the last time my thoughts were that provoked.
Oh, and thanks for bringing up amyl poppers too, I’d forgotten all about those.
Good times…
bschooled, your bookmobile posts are always so entertaining and creative. you’ve definitely got a niche here.
i found this line f*cking funny as hell.: “Willy W. Bauer is your average 17-year old teenage boy, who loves Twitter, Guitar Hero and chillin’ with his boo…”
Haha! Thanks Lynn…
“Boo chillin’” is one of those sayings that never gets old.
At least not in my world…
Always good to see you Lynn,
b:)
You know its funny I heard Coolio out the window and only caught a glimpse of some 12in rims…then oh snap thats Auntie D’s bookmobile…good to see she is pumping it in the hood…i read R fulghums last book…Bootylicious the upside of the Clap. So I am eager to read his next one……Love that Auntie D…her message to me was tell Bschool to push easy…she rolled on after that…zman sends
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Ha! That was totally Auntie D! she lovers her Coolio! And her NWA…
I have to say, “Bootylicious the upside of the Clap” sounds like it would be a great read. I’m definitely going to have to get that one. (For a friend, of course)
Always good to see you, Zman…keep pushin’ ‘er easy!
I told Jay Morse about this most recent awesome post of yours and he said, ” I Know, I Know.”
Haha!
Yeah but he always says that, FJ.
I’m starting to think it’s all he knows…