B’s Unique Greeting Cards
2009 November 22
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Thanks for finally touching me “down there”
Congratulations on that thing you did/got
I hope that me de-friending you on Facebook doesn’t make things awkward between us
I’m sorry you found that story interesting enough to share
Don’t worry, I’m sure there are lots of guys out there who like the ridden hard and put away wet look
That necklace really brings out your skin tags
God, these are awful. I love them. And I’m grateful no one reading this has my address.
Hey Pamela,
Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you like the cards, I only wish my family felt the same way…
I guess some people don’t believe in the old saying, “it’s the thought that counts.”
Thanks for visiting Pamela,
Bschooled:)
really? I chose that necklace because I thought it covered them
Even if you did have them, NM, I doubt anyone would notice…they’d be too busy looking at those kick-ass boots of yours.;)
Very bizarre, Bschooled . . . I commented this afternoon when the picture showed a white woman with short hair, and when I hit “submit”, your blog disappeared, and now it’s back with a black woman. Or perhaps that never happened at all, and I’m experiencing some other dimension where black is white and white is black. Or maybe . . . maybe . . .
Where was I? Yes! I envision your awsome cards in a little Hallmark store I’ve visited in a nearby mill town, where the ancient little old lady who owns it stands and stares, dumbfounded at your genius, mumbling, “What in tarnation . . ?”
Whereas I spout gospel threats like Samuel L. Jackson in “Pulp Fiction”, saying:
“And ye shall tremble before the mighty sword of truth, and ye shall Be duly schooled, for the randy shepard shall lay down with frightened sheep, and I shall strike thee down with extreme language, yadda yadda yadda . . .”
Then I cap the skanky ho with my slider-niner (excuse another Eminem moment).
You bring the fire, B. Great Hallmark moment!
Don’t worry, you weren’t having another one of your flashbacks (at least not then). I changed the photo because I was worried the “Corbis” people would come after me for defamation of character. Your comment must have somehow been erased. But don’t worry, I promise it won’t happen again. I’ve learned my lesson, and from now on I will only pilfer photos from less reputable sources.
True story, I was just pondering the other day at work (it’s what I do there), and I said to myself…”You know, people don’t say ‘What in in tarnation…’ enough anymore.”
And then you said it!…Or the ancient little old lady said it? Well, my point is that someone said it, and I had just been thinking that! I mean, seriously, how crazy is that????
???
??
?
Er, anyway, thank-you for the stellar comment, Invasive1. and thank-you for Samuel L. Jackson-ifying my post. He’s the only man I know who looks cool in a beret.
For realz.
Damn, B! The “tarnation” thing scares me.
Then again, bicycle seats scare me too . . . whatever that means.
But really, how freaky is that??? And I totally agree, Samuel L. Jackson is one of the few who look cool in a beret. Donald Mills could also sport one, as a classic artist type. Me . . . not so much.
Thanks for explaining the disappearing blog trick. One less flashback is another brief moment of clarity!
You’re right, Don would look fierce (to pilfer Scott’s term) in a beret. But usually he prefers the Homberg…or the Trilby (but only on special occassions).
And really, who could blame him?
You know Bschooled I bet there is a market for Hallmark Office cards like ….
Happy Get The F*** Out of My Face Day
It’s just a thought!
That’s a great thought, Frigginloon!
In fact I think I will use that as a verbal greeting card at work tomorrow…
I’ll let you know how it flies. (pun intended:))
Verbal greeting cards, now there is another bdamned thought! You should try it with the boss first and see how that works for ya before unleashing on the underlings! Just a thought!
I usually only give him mental verbal greeting cards…
He’s not a big talker.
What a service your cards provide, b! They should be available at all corner stores across the nation. How much nicer to say it with a card than to someone’s face. And everyone loves getting cards, right?
thanks Talon!
And you’re right. Everyone loves getting cards. And with Christmas coming and people getting on each other’s nerves and all, I figured it’s the best time to start bringing these bad boys out of the woodwork.
What can I say, you can take the girl out of Business Development, but you can’t take Business Development out of the girl…
Do you remember that time when Freddie Gage told Jay Morse that, ” All my friends are dead,” and Jay told him, “I know, I know.” Wasn’t that weird?
HA! I totally remember that, FJ!
But then do you remember when that guy who doesn’t smoke dope but fries his hair came out of nowhere and said to Freddie, “So you’re sayin’, wait, what are you sayin’?”
…that was even weirder.
I can’t tell you how pleasing it is to me and my dirty but soon to be laundered money that you are still plugging away with intellectual (and you do put the intel in intellectual) property for our joint businesses. You are expertly cornering those hard to reach niche markets like never before. Now we’ve got….
The loving oral sex but not wanting to use overly sexual terms market
The heavy ambiguity with light congrats market
The passive aggressive social networker market
The polite way to say shut the fuck up market
The best use of one of the best insults of all time market
The something something market (what the hell are skin tags?)
By the way, I was wondering if you happened to have Pamela’s address? Oh, and don’t worry about the “Corbis” people (who in tarnation are the “Corbis” people?) I have Johnny Fucking Cockring on retainer. I wish I could have gotten Cochran, but he was like crazy expensive. This guy used his porno career money to go to night-law-school, and he’s the best my money could buy.
You’re are the greatest!
You know me Scott, just trying to use my money shot the best way I know how. And with any luck, by the end of the year I’ll be money shot out! (I think I just have a few markets left to tap.)
Unfortunately I don’t have Pamela’s address, but I do have Johnny Fucking Cockring’s number. How weird is that?
I had no idea he studied Law…
*Ahem
Anyway, thanks for the constant support Scott. Like I always say, you’re my Gayle King. For real.
ps. Here you go. And don’t say I didn’t warn you… http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/2118523/skintag-main_Full.jpg
Damn it all, I had to click the link, life altering! That’ll teach me to read other people conversations… zeeesh!
Serves you right for making me read a story about vomit the morning after a party night…
As gross as they are, I’m almost relieved to find that’s what they were. I was afraid you were talking about flat chested women with huge silver dollar areolas. This was better than that!
What are skin tags? What planet do you live on? Go find some old lady and look at the little sticky-outie things of skin she has on her neck! Eww! Yuck….
Love the cards. How about a card for Doctors? Dear Doc,
thanks for the pills.. the voices are gone
Dear Doc, thanks for the pills, the oozing’s not so bad anymore
Dear Doc, Thanks for giving my boyfriend the Viagra… we’re having so much fun…
Haha! Fantastic, DF!
And needless to say, I’m both repulsed yet fascinated with your second card…let me know if you’re looking for a part-time job.
The pay is crap, mind you, but when you see how deeply you can touch someone’s life with the gift of verse, it’s all worth it.
Trust me.
The companion card to
Congratulations on that thing you did/got
is
Congratulations on that thing you got RID Of.
But what if all the people I know who have that thing still haven’t gotten rid of it?
Wouldn’t that just seem a little rude?
Bschooled,
Excellent greeting cards once again. My congratulations.
I trust that you will soon be coming out with a line of Christmas cards? I’d like to start sending mine out in the next few weeks but all I can find are hollow sentiments like “Joy to the World”, “Peace on Earth” and “Seasons Greetings.” I’d like to send cards out that have something meaningful to say and don’t just parrot those damned carollers that insist on cluttering up the shopping malls and begging for change.
(Plus, at the risk of being inappropriately light-hearted, there must be lots of opportunity for cameltoe/mistletoe confusion.)
I realize that sculpting is your real calling but any help on the Christmas card front would be greatly appreciated. Something that includes the phrases ‘you ungrateful rat bastard”, “I’ll tell you where to stuff your damned stocking” and/or “consider yourself out of my will York” would go a long way to serving my needs.
Many thanks in advance for your consideration.
Your friend,
Don
Don,
You should know by now that there’s nothing you can ask of me that I won’t do. Knowing deep down that each wish I grant you may be your last…well, let’s just say I feel as though I’m finally doing something worthwhile in life.
If only my weekend dads could see me now!
Anyway, I’m working on the cards as we speak, and you’ll be happy to know that I’m incorporating words like “feckless”,”defibrillator”, and “delicate undergarments,” just to give it that special ‘Don Mills’ touch. Then I’ll glue some dried macaroni to the cards, just to give it even more of your touch.
This is going to be so fun!
Keep your eye out for the mail, Don. They’ll be arriving shortly.
Friends till the end,
Bschooled
ps. Speaking of the end, Don, I don’t want to tell you what to do or anything, but you might want to rethink York’s card. Remember, he’s family…and that means he’s the one with the final say on whether or not to pull your life support plug…
We are all so sorry to FUCKER hear about your Tourette’s Syndrome. We hope this note finds SHITASS you well.
FJ, believe it or not, that was my next card idea!
What can I ASS ASS say, Great FUCKING minds….
damn, someone really should print these up!! i’ll bet they’d sell to weird folks like us!
Lynn the problem is we are too lazy to go to the store, buy stamps and mail them.
Now if I could only figure out how to set up ecards then schoolie and me would be in business.
Get to work, Bearman! We’ve got a cash cow to milk…
yeah youre right bearman, printing is so last decade..
Thanks Lynn!
I have a feeling you might be right…at least I hope you are, because if not, I’ve wasted the past five years of my life on nothing.
And how bad would that suck!
who’s weird?
you cant be serious~ have you actually looked at your avatar?
She’s got you there, CatGod…;)
Yeah, but look at Lynn’s Blahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahah
Pothead Avatar if I’ve ever seen one… Blahahahahaha!
…and that fly with big green eyes is laughing at your avatar Lynn… This is a weird dream I’m having and it all started with the greeting cards… gadzooks!
Odd, yet funny.
Another comfirmation of my theory that the wierdest blogs in the world are found on WordPress, and the most analytical ones (like mine) are found on Blogger.
Yes indeed, all is right with the CyberWorld.
Haha! I never thought of it that way before, but you could be right.
All is right with the CyberWorld indeed…
Thanks for stopping by, G,
Bschooled:)
What the hell are you little doggie and what’s up with the wig? Are you wearing a jacket? WordPress you say, weird you say? Blahahahahahahahahahaha
Yes, I have a sense of humor, my good man.
If you were where I used to hang my hat online, you would develop a sense of (sarcastic) humor too.
And before you ask where, I used to hang my hat (and still do) in the chat rooms.
My doggie is just fine…you mock my Hong Kong Phooey?????
I’m just….sniff….hurt…sniff…crushed….sniff….in pain….
(falls to the ground throwing a brief temper tantrum before curling up in a tiny littl ball to suck his thumb).
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Glad you stopped by to visit my blog. Hope you’ll become a repeat visitor.
Touched “Down There” By an Angel was groundbreaking (and heartbreaking) (and taboo-breaking) television. Nothing else on any other major network could touch it (down there) in the ratings.
Not since Blondie sang “I’m Always Touched (Down There) By Your Presence, Dear” have so many people been touched so inappropriately at one time. Truly a highwater mark in religious programming.
Of course, other attempts were made. Samantha Fox plied her slutty blondness as a way to get her “lover” to “Touch Me (Down There).” Other artists have begged for the same touch “down there” with varying degrees of success, but no one has been able to replicate the original’s heaviness or pettiness.
PS. Great post and my apologies for my late arrival.
No apologies necessary, CLT. Technically it wasn’t a party so much as it was an open house sort of deal, and as we all know, my “house” is always “open”.
(And in case you were wondering, the answer is no…as in I have absolutely no idea what that means either.)
Speaking of parties, I can’t believe you reminded me about Samantha Fox. I once lip synched her song “Naughty Girls Need Love Too” at our Christian school talent show. But at the time I didn’t realize that her definition of “naughty” (aka. whore), wasn’t the same as my definition of naughty the (“Santa says you’ve been naughty” definition). I should have put two and two together when I saw her video, but keep in mind that I didn’t get out much.
Needless to say, I quickly figured it out after the Principal cut me off mid-song and ordered me to detention. The I suddenly had every guy in class asking me out.
*cricket chirping*
Er…now that I think about it, I probably should have submitted this story to Reader’s Digest…
Anyway, thanks for the comment, CLT. Always good to see you, no matter how late you are.
These are awesome. All my cleverness has deserted me; I cannot be witty. I can only bow my head in admiration.
I definitely know possible recipients for each card.