Billboard’s Greatest Hits
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“Elmer and June and Pam too Introduce Debbie and Shari”
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Track Listing
“This Is Debbie”
“This Is Shari”
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“Dr. Fishbein Talks To a Growing Girl”
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Track Listing
“Now Show Me Exactly Where You’re Growing”
“Growing In All the Right Places”
“Come And Grow On My Lap”
”Don’t Worry, This Is What Growing Girls Do”
“Speaking Of Growing…”
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“Living With Lesbians” -Alix Dobkin
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Track Listing
“It’s Hell”
“They’re Super Messy”
“And They Have Really Bad Hair”
” If Only I’d Known Beforehand”
” I Thought They Said They Were Lebanese”
“I Mean, It Wouldn’t A Such Big Deal If They Were At Least Hot”
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…
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..“Ignatz Topolino Plays The Classics”
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Track Listing
“Nobody Nose The Trouble I’ve Seen”
“You Can Blow Your Own Way”
“It’s Snot Unusual”
“Hanky-Tonk Man”
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” (Unplugged Version)
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”Heinsight”- Not sure
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Track Listing
“They Say Heinsight Is 20/20″
“In Heinsight Maybe The Cat Wasn’t The Greatest Idea”
“Does My ‘Stache Really Look That Pervy In Person?”
“I Really Should Have Worn a Bra”
“What The Hell Was I Thinking When I Put On My Puffy Shirt?”
“Can We Do This Again?”
….
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Jay Morse saw this collection and said, “Honestly, I didn’t know about Debbie and Shari, they totally threw me a curve on that one.” “Dammit, dammit, shit, dammit.”
I hear that DJ Carn-E is doing a club mash-up of Dr. Fishbein and Alix Dobkin together, its called: Alix beats Dr. Fishbein to death with doghair
I think I’ll wash up now.
Ha! Wtf is Jay’s problem anyway? He really needs to get a life…or some friends, at least. In fact I’d tell him that myself, but…
Well, you know.
I can’t believe I didn’t pay much attention to the dog before…I was too busy looking at the man (who I am guessing may now be a woman) who is sitting the same way I would sit as a child, whenever I was forced to go for dinner at Aunt Edna’s house.
Nice lady, but her cleaning skills left something to be desired…
Love that first one – so brief, so heart warming
Yes, NM, they are very heartwarming.
The best part is, you can switch out the names to make the song even more heart warming.
“This is Nurse Myra”
Beautiful…
Jesus Christ, I can’t stand the awesomeness of these posts.
Haha!
Thanks, herself. Coming from you, that is truly a compliment.
(BTW, I’ve been reading your blog religiously, I think you could do a whole routine just based on the conversations with your latino roomie…)
Good to see you, herself,
b:)
Dear chocolate made warm blanket on a snowy Christmas day, B
I’m pondering – is it the dog who is living with the lesbos or the lesbo living with a lesbo dog?
You answer will be appreciated.
Ice-cream and condoms,
Frankelstache
Dear you can be my bodyguard I can be your long lost pal,
You ask a very good question, one that unfortunately I am not able to answer.
So here’s the deal. I messed up. I messed up bad. And because I rarely ever mess up (just ask me if you don’t believe me), I am taking this one pretty hard. You see, I was under the assumption that the “person” in the picture was actually of the male variety, and he was the one who was living with the lesbians. And the dog was just there for decoration purposes (kind of like the cat in “heinsight”).
But now that I’ve taken a better look, I realize that I may have misinterpreted the photo, which means that sadly, I may have also misinterpreted the track listing.
I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. I can only hope that you will foget this little slip up, and continue to worship me in the future.
Cookies and IUDs,
Bschooled
Dear White House Party Crasher, B
First, I’d like to state that I will still worship you in the future. You for me are like a Buffet for an obese family from Oklahoma. You are still my life maven.
Second, to quote my mother when I once asked her why she got pregnant and had me – “Everyone make mistakes.” This only makes you human. A beautiful, articulate, highly cerebral and very attentive human.
Third, living in San Francisco, I can attest that Lesbos are very elusive. Which brings me to a phenomena that I find enigmatic: Does Lesbos hate Men? Cause if they do, why do they dress, behave and often talk as if they’re a member of the balls-carrying part of society?
And if the Lesbos don’t hate men, why do so many of them talk about the balls-carrying part of society as the reason for all evil on this planet?
As always, I got carried away.
Vanilla flavored titties,
Frankelstache
“You for me are like a Buffet for an obese family from Oklahoma…”
That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever called me. And, if you don’t mind, I’ve decided that I’m going to put it in the “About Me” section of my resume. (It will make up for the lack of verbiage in my “Education and Experience” seciton.)
I agree FS, I go to San Francisco often, and I know how elusive those Lesbians can be. It’s like trying to find a vegan in British Colombia…very tough indeed.
I don’t think they hate men, but I would have to ask my sister about that to be certain. She’s not a lesbian herself, mind you, but she is a Nurse.
So obviously she would know.
Forever getting carried away vicariously through you (no idea what that means btw),
Bschooled
This is a great humor blog you have here. I just found it but I’m liking what I see. I have a humor blog myself which I hope to bring laughter to people all over the world. Life is hard enough, you know what I’m saying? I’d link to do a link exchange with you to help spread some traffic around.
Let me know if this is possible.
Jason
HilariousHeadlines.com/talk
Jason,
Trust me, I totally know what you’re saying. I’d like to bring laughter to people all over the world as well, but unfortunately I can only write in English. (And I have a feeling that a lot of my jokes would get lost in the translation.)
Thanks for stopping by Jason,
Bschooled
Jesus Frankelstache, I was also wondering which one was the lesbian, and really, if it’s the dog, aren’t there bigger issues at play here?
Laugh-out-loud funny as usual, BS. I can’t help but wonder though, who in the hell would let their growing daughter talk to creepy Dr. Fishbein about you know, pubes and stuff even if she is 36 like the “girl” in the picture appears? Probably the same people who let their kids sleep over at Michael Jackson’s. In his bed.
Nice to see you RBG,
(as taken from FS comment)
So here’s the deal. I messed up. I messed up bad. And because I rarely ever mess up (just ask me if you don’t believe me), I am taking this one pretty hard. You see, I was under the assumption that the “person” in the picture was actually of the male variety, and he was the one who was living with the lesbians. And the dog was just there for decoration purposes (kind of like the cat in “heinsight”).
But now that I’ve taken a better look, I realize that I may have misinterpreted the photo, which means that sadly, I may have also misinterpreted the track listing.
……
Anyway RBG, in regards to your Dr. Fishbein comment, I have to say that you made me laugh out loud as well. I had her pegged for 28 myself, but then again, I’m not really all that good when it comes to guessing people’s ages. I think your assessment is probably much more accurate.
All I can say is that I would love to meet that “girl” now, and find out exactly what Dr. Fishbein said to her…
I’m curious that way.
Thanks for stopping by, RBG. Always good to see you.
b:)
Funny stuff, bschooled.
I couldn’t help but notice Fishbein, whose conversations with a growing girl have been submitted as Exhibit B, bears more than a little resemblance to a clean-shaven W.W. Bauer, whose movement into manhood was submitted as Exhibit A recently, and on this very blog:
http://justmakingconvo.com/2009/11/18/auntie-ds-bookmobile-8/
I wouldn’t care to speculate as to why I haven’t seen these two in the same recording studio/writing nook at the same time. Now that Fishbein/Bauer has worked his way thru all the available sexes, I am afraid he will be heading to the petting zoo next.
“W.W. Fishbein – Surprising Your Sheep” should hit the record stores/bookmobiles in a couple of weeks, much to the dismay of nearly everybody.
As usual, CLT, your attention to detail fascinates me.
I thought Dr. Fishbein looked familiar as well, so I did a Google search. Turns out that even though they aren’t the same person (W.W. Bauer is just a kid after all), they are blood relations. Not human blood, mind you, but blood all the same.
Apparently they’re collaborating on an E-Book entitled “It’s OK To Love Farm Animals, Just Don’t Lo-ove Farm Animals (In Public)” . Should be out in time for breeding season. Sounds like a real page-clicker* to me.
(*I’ve never actually read an E-Book before, so I’m not sure of the correct term)
Thanks for the great comment and brilliant observation, CLT.
Dr. Fishbein reminds me of Uncle Jere, the Uncle by marriage, my preacher and my father’s cohort in Saturday night debauchery. I’m sure that in the deep recesses of my mind there is a “growing up” conversation!
Thanks for the memories
Uncle Jere sounds like quite the relative, DF.
I, too, had an “Uncle Jere/Dr. Fishbein, but he wasn’t a preacher, he was my old Boss. And he gave me the “growing up” conversation when I was 25.
I guess it wasn’t so much a conversation, per se, as it was “communication via body language…”
Yeah, now that I think about it, some memories really aren’t all that great.
Due to some extravagant imbibing last night, I’m having an ouchie moment today. You don’t even want to know where the Pringles can was stuck this morning. Maybe stuck isn’t the right word. More like attached (?) No that‘s not it either. I’ll be back after my brain starts functioning again to talk about those hard to live with lesbians and those growing girls.
Hahaha!
No, you’re right, Scott…I don’t want to know where your Pringles can was found this morning. (I’m in the middle of a 12-day cleanse, so I can’t even think about junk food.)
But I’m sure there are countless lonely/overweight women out there who would!
Sodium bloat much?
bschooled, i always love these posts. “Ignatz Topolino Plays The Classics” was hilarious, you can blow your own way….*laughing*
Haha!
Now you’ve seen firsthand what happens when I get less than 4 hours of sleep three nights in a row…:)
Always good to see you Lynn,
b:)
You had me laughing like a girl with growing parts at, ” I Thought They Said They Were Lebanese”.
I see plenty of collaborative possibilities here, B, starting with “Elmer and June and Pam Too intruduce Debbie and Shari to Dr. Fishbein, who dredges up some nasty Heinsight, after a long night of sexual experimenting with Aunt Alix, while acompanied and accosted by Ignatz Topolino, and his shiny little nose flute.” The dog was a tortured, silent witness, until some exuberant licking . . .
On a more serious note (pun alert), one look at Dr. Fishbein explains what Henry Kissinger has been up too after Nixon’s demise. I always knew he preferred interviews with younger women.
I used to turn on SNL for my comedy fix, but now I tap over to your blog, Bschooled.
Truly outstanding stuff indeed, and if you get a chance this weekend, please have Scott in your thoughts, as he appears to be enduring the purple haze of a Category 4 hangover, and that is a beast I’m well familiar with. We need his “A” game on this one.
Now I need to find a frilly dress and call Dr. Fishbein . . .
Thanks Invasive1,
I love how you are always able to take everything and combine it into one creative and extraordinary (albeit somewhat far-fetched) plot.
You should really think about going into the Comedy/Daytime Soap-Opera/Pornography/Horror/Pornography again (only more) field. I really think it’s your shtick!
And yes, Scott and his Pringles can will definitely be in my prayers. Let’s just hope the rapture doesn’t come tonight, because I have a feeling he was too hungover today to prepare for it…
Tremendous comment as always, Invasive1:)
Hopefully Elmer and June will continue to expand their family so they can expand their track list….you can only take so much Debbie and Shari! Though I really enjoyed their single – Elmer and June and Pam makes three.
And now I’m off to find my kazoo because I think that will be the perfect instrument to accompany “Ignatz Topolino Plays The Classics”
Haha! That single really brought the house down, didn’t it?
I agree, Talon, I would love to see them expand their track list. In fact, I’d like to see some testosterone-laden ditties in there as well. Like a “This is Billy”, or “This is Jason”. And maybe even a few that everyone can enjoy, like “This is Jamie”, or “This is Pat.”
Really, the possibilities are endless.
Anyway, good luck with the kazoo, Talon, I look forward to the two of you coming out with some great new “Classic Hits That Everyone Nose…(And Blows?)”
b:)
So after nursing my Hangover and having a nice, long, cleansing wash I’m back. I was fortunately able to dig up some lesser known tracks.
Dr. Fishbein
- “Once a month you’ll likely get a visit from auntie Red”
- “I’d like to show you how to wear a bra”
- “Just relax now and breath”
- “This is going to feel cold”
- “You’re likely to feel some tension”
- “Wait, shit. This isn’t Dateline is it?”
Alix Dobkin
- “Why do they have to be so butch”
- “No, I don’t want to arm wrestle anymore”
- “So, are you the catcher or the pitcher?”
- “They left”
- “Shit, now I’m bored”
Ignatz Topolino
- “If you concentrate on my nose, you won’t notice my turkey-like neck”
- “This thing is loaded with blow hahahahahaha”
- “See the look in my eyes? That’s how you know”
That’s all I was able to find, I’m still hurting a little. You never fail to entertain me with your awesomeness B!
I’m glad you’re feeling better, Scott. If it were me, I’d still be lying in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. I guess that explains why I only drink on special occassions now (or when I have the following three days off of work).
I love love love these lesser known tracks! “Wait, shit. This isn’t Dateline is it?” is brilliant. In my opinion, it should have gone straight to number one on the charts.
I can just picture the video now.
Dr. Fishbein is “talking” to this growing girl in the kitchen, when all of a sudden Chris Hanson pops out from behind the counter. A low-speed chase ensues (let’s face it, Dr. Fishbein ain’t as young as he used to be), and suddenly it cuts to the end, where he is sitting on a stool, trying to cover his face with his arm while at the same time going “You’ve got it all wrong…I’m a Doctor! I was trying to help this growing girl by coming over to warn her about the real predators out there!”
It’s got MTV Video of The Year written all over it.
FYI, I’m working on the videos for all of Mr. Topolino’s lesser-known tracks as we speak… starting with the blow song (because that’s how all of my creative work starts…)
Thanks for the hilarity, Scott. I really need to start collaborating with you on these things…
I agree, I’d love to!
Is it me or is Heinsight….. Mike Myers?
“Dr. Fishbein Talks To a Growing Girl” …What? She’s like friggin 40! The only growing she’s going to do is around the midriff and ass!
“Ignatz Topolino Plays The Classics” Hmm, like the boogie?
“Living With Lesbians” Sheez, that’s a big friggin lapdog even by a Lesbian’s standard!!!!
You could be right. Although I thought Mike Myers had a wonkier left eye…
I laughed out loud at your comment, Frigginloon. And you’re right. If that is a girl, she’s going straight from baby fat to middle-age fat…
Holy levitating lesbians Bschooled!
Normally, I would direct my comments toward the fine record albums produced by Elmer and June (and Pam too) or the respected Dr. Fishbein – but I just can’t take my eyes off that lesbian. It’s the strangest thing. Has that ever happened to you?
I knew that the unmarried aunts (that’s what we called them back in my day) engaged in strange practices and had unusual powers but I had no idea they could defy gravity!
This is all very unsettling.
Your friend,
Don
Don,
I have to say that you truly amaze me. How is it that a man who is nearing the end of his life-cycle has a keener eye than a woman not nearing the end of her life-cycle?
Not only did I initially think it was a man on the cover (probably because I was only looking at the jean rolls and the size of her feet), I didn’t even notice that she was levitating. I thought she was just riding the dog (which would obviously make more sense). But now that you mention it, I have to say that I find it very unsettling as well.
I may have to think about removing this record from my collection.
Oh, and to answer your question, no…that has never happened to me. I mean, I have been hit on by a few lesbians in my time (in fact, once I was almost groin-mauled in the women’s restroom at a bar in Edmonton), but luckily I’ve been able to take my eyes off them.
Like the song says, “It would be different if they were at least hot…”
Anyway, thank-you for your brilliant and insightful comment, Don. The longer you live, the more I dread your imminent passing. For real.
So long but not Auf Wiedersehen (stellar pick, btw),
Bschooled:)
Another excellent post bschooled… My favorite is definitely the levitating lesbian who looks just like my brother ( I can’t wait to show him the album cover)… btw, I really need to vent so I hope you’ll allow me the blog space to say that my parents have been visiting since last Wednesday and throughout the entire thanksgiving holiday so I have been forced to talk with my mother for over 4 days and nights and so it is hard to write witty or funny or any comments while simultaneously considering suicide and hell I can’t even figure out how to end this long and winding sentence but anyway I am so thankful that they are leaving today and so I say adios for now and I’m going to put away the knife, and unload the pistol and put the cyanide back in into the medicine cabinet –
I’m just one of the many of your loyal worshipers – CatGod (but you can call me Frank)
Good to see you Frank,
Feel free to vent here anytime. I pride myself on having a blog that allows people to get their frustrations out. I’m altrustic that way.
It sounds like you’ve had a very eventful Thanksgiving, Frank. (It also sounds like you might have some unresolved family issues and/or homocidal tendencies, but that’s neither here nor there.) I’m glad that you (and your family) made it out alive, and if you need someone to talk to in preparation for the Christmas holidays, just let me know. I’ll put a call into Dr. Fishbein. (He prefers growing girls, but from what I heard, he’ll take what he can get.)
Always good to see you Frank,
Bschooled:)
okay this comment explains a lot catgod! i on the other hand would love to spend sometime with your mother although 4 days might be a bit much even for me.
hope she’s well and that you will live!
Oh I shouldn’t complain… She did take the trouble to rear my sorry ass… but damn… Okay, I’m shuttin up about it… … Thanks Lynn… Same to you… Oh I’m well. This is damn funny that we’re dicussing this on bschooled’s blog… Hi B… how’s the family?
Well, it’s only because you are too chicken to talk about it on your own blog in fear mom may read it
Bok, Bok, Bokkk!!
I’ll talk about my mom if you talk about yours…
Bok bok bok Beggggookkkkk!
Bok!
bok.
bschooled,
I was hoping you could help me.
I’m responsible for giving the pre post after-dinner, before dessert, but not quite time for coffee and infighting, speech at my family’s annual “Heathenism Pagan and Grey Cup Sacrificial Blood Feast” this year (we’re proud heathen pagans, grey is our favourite colour and we have a long history of sacrificing blood). Anyhoo, I wanted to run it by you first to see if you thought it needed anything.
Ok, here goes:
“Greetings fellow family members. You sicken me and I’m pleased that you all view me as a major disappointment. I shot up before I arrived, have stolen cash from all your wallets and purses. Ha! I now plan to drink all the liquor and then vomit freely and with pagan pride. But before I do that I’d like to say a few words… Today I’m going to talk to you about security in our public schools.
But first, I’d like to remove my pants… Okay… That’s better. For me, anyway. I would like to let you in on just a few things about our annual heathen pagan Grey Cup sacrificial blood feast that I’m fucking thankful for:
-blah, blah, the same old stuff I say every year (but with a Mongolian accent)
-”camel toe!”
-ham dust
-naked chicks in mittens getting stimulated by bears
-the fact that I killed all of Freddie Gage’s friends
-Shaving eco friendly lesbians
-My video of Nik Fiend and Anne Murray “doing it”
-Chopped pork shoulder meat with veal added, sodium nitrate (to keep its color) and sugar in a gelatinous glaze (plum sauce)
-Stupefaction Raffi style
-Don “Goddamm I Am Mad At Teens” Mills and his famous line, “Gett Hoff Mile Awn”
-The Great Debate- Milkmen vs Snowmen
-Paroxysms of Sunday’s Bachelorette
-The days of four
-The days of fore
-The days of for
-The following excerpts from Elmo Says Showbiz is A Bitch!
By Elmo (Forward by The Original Cookie Monster)
May 14/05: Elmo has another hangover! Elmo is also getting sick and tired of listening to Kermit. But Elmo has a plan. Elmo will spread a rumor to his Republican buddies at the White House that as a frog, Kermit is more allegiant to France than the USA. Elmo believes this will hurt Kermit’s career. Elmo really likes hurting people…
July 29/07: Elmo needs to run his lines for a new skit about the alphabet. Elmo likes running lines (snort snort). Elmo uses a 100-dollar bill to make Elmo feel like a big shot.
Oct 06/08: Elmo did the nasty with Ms. Piggy last night. Elmo promised the lard ass porker a part in his new movie. Elmo is such a liar. Elmo makes Elmo laugh. Ha, ha, ha…
Feb 13/08: Elmo will no longer take notes from the shit head suits at PBS. Elmo thinks they wouldn’t know funny if it walked up to them, slit their throats open and took a dump in the open wound. Hmm, this gives Elmo a funny idea. Elmo calls his mobster friend Joey “The Slice” Vigianni.
March 09/09: Elmo is not going to Betty Ford! Elmo does not have a problem!! Elmo is pissed off!!! Elmo hates them all. Elmo thinks, “fuck them and their interventions.” Elmo sees bats; they are all over Elmo’s arms. Elmo needs a drink…
-Sister Boys
-“Half-Witted Old Man Battles Groin Mauling Morlock Chicks from Planet Merkin and Saves The Day and Gets the Girl and Then Has Sex With Her – Thanks to the Wonders of American Viagra!” (good news, bschooled, we got the green light. Notes will be coming soon. That should be fun!).
-That thing I did with that person last night
-14th Century French Pirates and their delightful fashion choices (if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am today, which is wearing a puffy shirt and swining from my family’s drapes))
-Sonnets that wear bonnets
-The connection between sinking ships and relationships
-The connection between French pirates and eels.
-Universal health care verses universal Groinmaulophobia
-Made in Chine t-shirts about the big cock
…and last but not least, I would like to thank you, my miserable blood-relations. Mom, dad, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I didn’t ask to be born!!!!!!
(I then plan to implode entirely and into some sort pulpy plumy gelatinous glaze.
So, what do you think? Is it too much?
Alan!
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, as you know, today is Grey Cup Sunday (aka. my favorite day of the year). I can’t tell you how crazy it’s been around here, especially since the team that beat our team is in the finals! And they might just win!
(Oh wait, nevermind… I was just told they didn’t.)
Anyway, your speech is brilliant. No it’s better than brilliant, it’s incandescent! And it couldn’t have come at a better time. Ever since I brought the house down with my American Thanksgiving speech (don’t worry, it’s nothing that a few thousand dollars and a Journeyman Roofer can’t fix), my family and friends have been begging me to give the speech at our annual “Mormon Kabbalah and Saskatchewan-Montreal Blood Sausage Feast” this year (we’re proud Mormon Kabbalahians, Saskatchewan is our favorite Province, I don’t know much about Montreal and what can we say…we love our blood sausage!). Anyhoo, if you don’t mind, I’d like to repeat your speech verbatim, after making just a few minor adjustments (it’s a religion/copycat thing).
Ok, here goes:
“Greetings fellow non-drinkers. I am ambivalent towards you all. I got hopped up on Cola before I arrived, and have stolen red string from all your arms. Ha! I now plan to drink all the non-alcoholic beer and then urinate freely and with Mormon-Kabbalah pride. But before I do that I’d like to say a few words… Today I’m going to talk to you about security in our public schools.
But first, I’d like to remove your pants… Okay. Oh wait…maybe you should put yours back on, Uncle Hal. Phew, that’s better! I thought I was going to go blind there for a minute. Anyway, I would like to let you in on just a few things about our annual Mormon Kabbalah and Saskatchewan Montreal Blood Sausage Feast” that I’m expletive* thankful for (*Mormon voice):
-blah, blah, the same old stuff I say every year (but with a Saskatchewan/Kabbalahian accent)
-”Astroturf!”
-Grey cups (and other exciting names for trophies)
-the fact that I want to kill all of my football-loving friends (in a good way)
-Defensive Back
-Defensive End
-Defensive Drivers
-You telling me about the video of Nik Fiend and Anne Murray “doing it”
-Chopped pork shoulder meat with veal added, sodium nitrate (to keep its color) and sugar in a gelatinous glaze (plum sauce) –This is a classic
-Stupefaction Blue-Rodeo style
-Don “Goddamm I Am Mad At Teens” Mills and his other famous line, “Gett Howta Mife Ace”
-The Great Debate- Tight ends vs Flaccid ends (I like the former, but that’s just me)
-Nickel Back (not to be confused with Nickelback)
-Quarter time
-Half time
-“When the fuck will this game be over?” time
-The excerpts from Elmo Says Showbiz is A Bitch!
By Elmo (Forward by The Original Cookie Monster)-I mean, really, who can compete with Elmo?
-Reverse-Sister Boys
-“Half-Witted Old Man Battles Groin Mauling Morlock Chicks from Planet Regina and Saves The Day and Gets the Grey Cup and Then Has Sex With it – Thanks to the Wonders of “Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones! And American Viagra!” (OMFG, I haven’t been this excited since Lent, Alan! That should be fun!).
-That person I did with “that thing” last night
-14th Century Ukranian pygmees and their delightful fashion choices (if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am today, which is wearing a loin cloth and making beautifully-decorated Easter eggs)
-Free verses that have Gucci purses
-The connection between pickle jars and something somethings
-Putting the “phobia” back into Groinmaulophobia
-Made in Hogs Hollow T-shirts about Ralph Nader’s right frontal testicle
-Putting out Farook’s fire (Just for old times’ sake)
and last but not least, I would like to thank you, my miserable blood-sausage loving relations. Mom, dad, weekend Dads, flavor of the weeks, gravy trains, somebodies to pass the time, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I didn’t ask to be born!!!
(I then plan to implode entirely and into some sort pulpy saskatoon berry glaze.)
Thanks so much for letting me use change this speech only to repeat it verbatim, Alan. I couldn’t have done it without you. (Ha! Obviously!)
Bschooled!
No worries on the delay. I’ve been in shock since the halftime show. I didn’t see it or anything, I was in anaphylactic shock after eating shellfish. We ran out of beer and I didn’t want to lose my buzz, so this seemed like a sensible plan.
Or at least, it did at the time.
Yes, it is the big day. And I was sorry to hear that the Pope didn’t show up but that Blue Rodeo did. Hmmm, maybe that shellfish buzz wasn’t such a bad idea.
I can’t believe someone won the football game! That’s exciting. Or, it would be if I liked football… Or even occasionally watched it. But if I did that would make me a football liking and football watching guy – you see, the family’s “Heathenism Pagan and Grey Cup Sacrificial Blood Feast” doesn’t focus much on the football game. We just like the colour grey. And the heathen paganism and blood feast that comes with it. But I’ve said too much already…
Thanks for the kind words on my speech. Truth be told, I was going for incandescent!
So, that makes it really special for me. And it couldn’t have come at a better time. After I bring down the house with this speech (heh!) I’m making a few revisions and repurposing it for my speech at the United Nations next week. My speech is on “Freedom of Speeches to be to completely pointless.” I think I’ve really nailed the pointless angle. Anyhoo, the gist is I stole most of your stuff, called it a rewrite, and while it’s sometimes hard to look myself in the mirror, if it makes me the darling of the Un, it will have been worth it.
Ok, here goes:
“Hi there assholes! Jesus, you lot. Fuck. Get a real job, okay? Hahaha, but seriously it’s great to be at the UN. So… Anyone here from Paraguay? You, in the third audience. So, is like, Paraguay basically two Uruguay’s stuck together? (pause for uproarious laughter from all delegates except Paraguay and Uruguay).
Anyhoo, I just wanted to say that I’m thankful I live in a society where freedom of speeches to be completely pointless exist. I’m also thankful for (*”Animal” from Sesame Street voice):
-blah, blah, the same old stuff I say every year (but with a Saskatchewan/Kabbalahian accent)
-”Astronuts” and the clowns who kick people in them…
-Pagans (plus other exciting names for heathens)
-the fact that I come to the UN, insult you all and gat away with it. You people need to get relevant.
-Physical Ed
-Special Ed
-Saying a British accent “I’ll kick you in the fooking ‘ed”
-Nik Fiend and Anne Murray for showing up today and for “doing it” live for all of us. Thanks you two crazy kids!
-Chopped pork shoulder meat with veal added, sodium nitrate (to keep its color) and sugar in a gelatinous glaze (plum sauce) –I brought enough for everyone.
-Stupefaction UN style
-Don “Goddamm I Am Mad At Teens” Mills and his other famous line, “I’ve Fallen Dow Nan can’t Get Up”
-The Great Debate- Spats vs Top Hats
-Space Time Continuum
-Space Trucking by Deep Purple
-Purple Nurple
-Purple Prose
-Barney the fucking Purple dinosaur Half time
-Barney and Elmo’s sex tape
-Reverse-Bister Soys
-“Half-Witted Old Man Battles Groin Mauling Morlock Chicks from Planet Regina and Saves The Day and Gets the Grey Cup and Then Has Sex With it – Thanks to the Wonders of “Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones! And American Viagra!” (I’ll say it, bschooled. This might be more fun than Lent)
-That Victorian chair I did “that thing” too last night
-14th Century Bolognese Decorators and their appalling fashion choices (still, if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am today, which is here at the fucking UN!!!!)
-blank verse vs. blank looks
-Putting the “groin” back into Groinmaulophobia
-Made in Hogs Hollow T-shirts about Ralph Nader’s left lower testicle
Thanks so much for letting me use change this speech only to repeat it verbatim, bschooled. I couldn’t have done it without you. (Ha! Obviously!) I think the UN will be pleased. If not, fuck ‘em.
Ha! Fuck ‘em indeed!
Well, what can we say? It’s obvious that speechwriting is in our blood (along with white and red blood cells and various other platelets—oh, and a hell of a lot of moonshine, but that’s neither here nor there).
Believe it or not, I, too, am giving another speech next week (Ha! Obviously!). Only mine is for the Nations that refuse to Unite (stubborn pricks–but what can I say…it’s a free Country). So instead of going through the whole rigmarole of coming up with another incandescent speech (that you are somehow are always able to make “incandescenter”), I have decided to combine both of our speeches, make them identical yet poles apart, thus turning it into a literary masterpiece that will “bring the entire ozone layer down.”
I’ll work on it at the office tomorrow (it’s what I do there), and let you know what I come up with.
Oh, and just so you know, I’ll also be thanking whoever it is I said I was thanking, for Don “Goddamm I Am Mad At Teens” Mills and his other other famous line (kind of like the “other other” Boleyn sister, but not quite as aesthetically un-pleasing), “I don’t care much feryung peepel n’ime nuttu sher howwa feelab outyu.”
I don’t know why, really. I guess I just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t at least mention it.
Hah!
This just keeps getting more spine tingling, super spinal cord exciting, and thorax leaping fun.
First, I’m truly agog (or something quite close to it) at the prospect of your latest Magnus Speechus Opus. I have no doubt it will be fabulous, tremendous, courageous – and a whole lot of other “ous” ending words as well.
The ozone layer isn’t going to know what hit it once you’re through with it’s sorry ass. And good for you! It’s about time someone taught that uppity ozone layer a thing or two.
Anyway, I’m also extremely “a tingle” because I have decided to write a new speech about the making of your next speech. And get this, once I’m done, I’ll be performing it as interpretive dance.
I’ll work on it tomorrow in the alley (after I’ve got the garbage can fire going and have had my first shot of moonshine and/or Listerine… it’s what I do there).
Until then, as Don would say, “If I’d ever huv done that my old ad woodad broken mine os and sold it for cally flower”
(I think he may have been drunk when he said this… But don’t quote me on that.)
Haha! Oh, that Don Mills…(and his unquoted drunken ramblings).
I have to say that I am really looking forward to your interpretive dance. It goes without saying that I’ll laugh, I’ll cry…it will be like Cats! (Only with a bejeweled unitard…and devil horns).
Anyway, I’m off to “work” (that was a double entendre, in case you missed it–althogh I’m sure the quotations must have given you some inkling of where I was going there). As soon as I’m finished I will send you the revamped/untouched version of our latest cash cow. (Only without the cash…or the cow, for that matter.)
Be sure to save some moonshine and/or Listerine for opening night, Alan!
In the first album you missed some songs.
This is Debbie Singing Off Key
This is me throwing Debbie in the Lake
This is Renee
Haha! I completely forgot about those ones.
Which is strange, because “This is me throwing Debbie in the Lake” was initially going to be my wedding song…
“Those Ones”….glad to see our canadian tax dollars were well spent.
Why would you have Canadian dollars?
“Hanky Tonk Man” proves that you are a genius.