Auntie D’s Bookmobile
Auntie D is back! And just in time to cash in on the crazy Christmas rush.
Follow me (figuratively speaking), as I show you some of her latest and greatest verbiage-laden “money shots”.
.
…
.
“I gave this book to a sunburnt friend, but she said she’d already “red” it!”
. -Peter Pauper, “Pun Book”
Believe it or not, that’s only one of the 632,234 hilariously funny quotes you’ll find in Peter Pauper’s chortle-inducing and guffaw-worthy “Pun Book”.
Here are just a few more:
“When I told my neighbor I was writing a book, he thought it was a ”novel” idea!”
“I gave this book to a sunburnt friend, but…wait, did I already say that one?”
“I never said you had bad breath, I said you had ”bad breasts”!”
“What do you mean that makes no “cents”?”
“I already have a “life”, bitch!!”
.
What can I say, this guy is hilarious.
.
..
Although I haven’t yet had a chance to read “Christmas Tree Pins”, my Mother, being the holiday-themed costume jewelry aficionado that she is (not only is her Easter basket brooch one-of-a-kind, it envelops her entire left breast!), has. Twice. And she says that this book is a real page-turner.
But don’t take my word for it:
.
“This book is a real page-turner.”
-Bschooled’s Mom
.
...
..
Edmond and Jovita Addeo had a problem. Their children drank. A lot. And like so many parents of alcoholic primary school students, they just didn’t know what to do.
Edmond Jr. first took to the drink after his highly-anticipated Science Fair project–”Do Raw Eggs and Hard Boiled Eggs Spin the Same Number of Times?”–was met with luke-warm reviews. And needless to say, by the time Edward’s girlfriend told his best friend to tell him that she just didn’t like him “in that way” anymore, he’d fallen hopelessly into a downward spiral, drowning his sorrows in an easy-to-unscrew flask of Catdaddy Carolina Moonshine and Sunny D.
Meanwhile, his sister Julia was constantly being chastised by the older kids for her aesthetcially-unpleasing head gear and knock-off Ugg boots. She simply drank to dull the pain.
The fact that Edmond and Jovita were occassionally bootlegging for them didn’t help matters either, but the kids were smart enough to realize that in the end, the onus was on them.
It’s an extremely touching story, and comes with a special pull-out section written by their son, Edmond Jr.:
.
.
..
.
..
.
What can I say, Isaam B. Avery really knows his mentally retarded.
There are only two chapters in this manual, but I guarantee that both will provide you and yours with years of inexpensive and intellectual-free entertainment.
The chapters are as follows:
.
Chapter 1- Push a Rock With a Stick
.
Chapter 2- Wheel Yourself Repeatedly Into a Garbage Can
…
.
…
.
If you’re one of the millions of unfortunate people out there whose lack of penis has caused financial hardship, then “How To Succeed in Business Without a Penis”, is truly one of the most inspirational and valuable self-help books you can own.
Here are what some of the readers had to say-
.
“After losing my penis in a devastating house fire, I never thought I’d again have the confidence needed in order to climb the corporate ladder. But thanks to this book, I was able to turn my personal insecurities into a multi-million dollar franchise. Thanks Karen!”
-Bill Wilson, Entrepreneur
“Thanks to this book, I went from penniless and penisless, to prosperous and still penisless!”
-John Bobbit, Something
“It’s not that I don’t have a penis, it’s just that it’s really small.”
-Verne Troyer, Actor
.
I hope you enjoyed perusing Auntie D’s newest selections, and remember, if you’d like to purchase any of the above literary classics, please contact her at Idonthaveapenisandlookatmenow!@hotmail.com for a quote.
I hate to break it to you, but Peter Pauper is a dick.
In these tough economic times its even hard to succeed with a penis, and a big one at that.
All these years I thought my kids just suffered from ‘flu-like symptoms, OMG.
And as far as providing creative recreation for the mentally retarded, All I can say is APPLES!
APPLES indeed, FJ!
“Candy Mountain…it’s a land of sweets and joy…and joyness…”
I think Peter Pauper’s should test out his puns on some locals, say in Harlem?
If any F***er gives me a Christmas Tree pin for Chrissie…I swear!!!
“Why Our Children Drink” hmm, so they get to read the next book in the series “Why I Vomit” ?
Oh dear god, I use to push a rock with a stick.
Oh I didn’t know Bernie Madoff had written a book!
Ha! We have a lot in common, frigginloon. I used to push a rock with a stick as well.
If only I’d known about chapter two back then. It definitely would have made for a more interesting childhood.
I think the Mentally Handicapped Recreation book may have led “our” neighbor hood kids to drink. I handed out the former in lieu of candy this past Halloween.
When presented with this, they would often say “What the hell?” or “Say goodbye to your tires.” I told them not to take it so personally. I was just trying to tell them that they were stupid and should partake in stupider activities, like rock pushing or riding around in a homemade wheelchair with Starlight Mints for wheels.
They then responded with vague threats and “That looks more like a potato than a rock.” I patiently explained to them that they were too stupid to talk to any further and closed my door.
The night was soon filled with the sound of children sobbing, drinking and breaking nearly everything breakable on my house.
The following morning I had the privilege of speaking to several neighboring parents who had gathered conveniently on my lawn, waving the offending booklets along with various rifles and burning objects.
Long story short, I was asked to leave the neighborhood before things got any worse. I told them I would be going anyway, as I was sick of being surrounded by drunken, stupid children and their overly-sensitive parents.
Another top-notch post, bschooled, which means I will be downstairs with the powertools notching yet another top-notch above the rest of the notches, which all briefly held the “top” notch spot.
CLT,
First of all, I have to say that you did the right thing. Trust me, you don’t want to live in a neighborhood where kids would rather gorge themselves on junk food than go out there and make the most of their disabilities.
Had I only been given a mentally handicapped recreation book as a child, I wouldn’t have been forced to spend my entire pre-teen years attending Weight Watchers meetings and drinking 8-10 glasses of water before 6pm (so as not to disturb my sleep pattern). Instead, I would have been walking around in my tightest stirrup pants and Hello Kitty tank top, showing off my toned arms from all of the wheelchair wheeling and rock/potato pushing I’d been doing.
Who knows, maybe I would have even gone to the Special Olympics…
But I guess there’s no use thinking about that now. Like I always say, “if my Aunt had balls she’d be my Uncle.” (Ok, well, maybe I don’t always say that, but I do say it every once in a while…or at least whenever the subject is broached.)
Anyway, thank-you for the tremendous comment, CLT. If only there were more of your kind ’round these here parts.
I think that boy is vomiting because his parents make him sleep beneath a nasty bilious green bedspread
Haha! You could be right, NM. But then again, what else would they find to match those snazzy sheer lime curtains?
Great stuff. If I had a dime for each time I had to use the “bad breasts” line…
I notice that the retarded (as seen on the cover) generally have thick and luxurious hair. Is that because they have small brains? I don’t get it.
TL,
Why is it that you always ask me the one question that I can’t answer?
Had you asked me what it’s like to be successful in business without a (large) penis, or how it feels like to wheel yourself repeatedly into a garbage can for hours on end, I’d have no problem giving you the 411. But when it comes to the small brains/big hair theory, well, let’s just say that I’m pretty much as ignorant as they come.
You really need to make your queries less thought-provoking….
Ah, bschooled, you well know that Vomit is one of my favorite subjects, but I had no idea that the old Auntie was also a fan of the vile gastrointestinal brew… I have to place an order for that one…
Also, just a few comments on the others books.
Like the Loon, I pushed a rock with a stick… Oh Shit, I’m going to dig up some of my old school test scores and reconsider my intelligence level… No wait, instead I think that’ll I’ll just drink more… and try to forgetaboutit! Just like I did in school the night before all big tests…
This brings me to the other book… I place my excessive drinking habit solely upon my whacko parents… I would share more but I’ve vowed not to dis my Mommy to much…
I’ve always theorized that most men drink because of interactions with women… I see Edmond had the same issues.
Finally, I was always a fan of the cheapest and easiest available alcohol in school… Boonesfarm Strawberry hill and Mad Dog 2020. Some nasty ass shit there… okay, enough babbling, I’m off to mix a Gin with Lime and Lemon soda… and try to forgetabout some women I’ve been thinking about…
Hey CatGod,
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m starting to notice a pattern in each of your stories. I haven’t quite figured out exactly what that pattern is yet (wheeling myself repeatedly into garbage cans doesn’t allow me much time for careful contemplation), but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I do.
(Trust me, once I do solve this Nancy Drew-worthy mystery, you’ll be the first to know.)
Until then, keep your eye out in the mail for the vomit book. Knowing what an “upchuck aficionado” you are, it’s safe to say that you’ll find it extremely informative.
Always good to see you, CG,
bschooled:)
If names could be puns, I’d say Peter “Pauper’s” book put him in dire economic straits indeed! And “straits” can be “red” as “straight jacket”. Right back at ya, Peter! And if Peter is indeed small, than his career is also doomed! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha . . . and HA!
But enough silly word play and dire pre “dic” tions . . .
Gawd Bless your traveling Aunt, Bschooled! Truly enlightening entertainment, and some damn fine insight into CLT’s neighborhood interaction. Another reason why we live in a place where deer outnumber drunk neighborhood children; at least between weekends.
I guess the whole “Why Our Children Drink” thing can be answered just by those book covers. Let’s face it: In a world where people named Peter Pauper pen pages of puns and books about pins are published with no need for a penis, then children will surely drink heavily and wheel into garbage cans.
Whew. Kind of a reach there, but you get my drift — which reminds me — it’s snowing!
Ha-ha-ha and HA!
Outstanding literary finds, B, and damned funny stuff. Please excuse my momentary lapse of reason, and thank Auntie D for me!
Haha! “straight jacket…”
You know Invasive1, you and Peter should seriously think about joining forces and jumping on the “pun bandwagon” (Ha! Get it?)
??
?
Who knows, maybe one day the two of you could write an award-winning screenplay for a hilarity-ensuing, pun-ridden “Made for TV Movie”.
(Get it this time? “Made for TV Movie?”…You see, it’s a movie, but in reality it’s made for TV, thus making it a “Made for TV Movie”…)
*cough*
Anyhoo…thank-you for the compliments, Invasive1, and for your always entertaining commentary. You truly have a way of connecting non-related topics unlike any other wit I’ve come across before.
Bschooled:)
Thanks, Bschooled! Your replies are often a great humor blog by themselves — The stategic placement of “*cough*” had me startling the sleeping hounds with loud laughter (they’re already used to me talking to myself). Funny stuff!
Hey! I push a rock with….a….stick….
oh
Will!
Of course you push a rock with a stick…we’re related, remember?
It’s good to see you, Mr. Macabre. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed reading your “spit coffee all over the computer-screen worthy” posts.
b:)
I’d follow you anywhere (literally speaking) especially to anywhere that money-shots are taking place now that I know what they mean.
I love Peter Pauper’s Pun Book. It’s heavy laden with gut busting hilarity. It was quite a roller coaster ride for our Peter as well. Most (or more like 109 people) of the world know him for his successful Pun Book, but he came from nothing to accomplish very little. His family was so poor; they came up with another word for poor just to describe the family. This was back when a surname meant something mind you. Pauper has another fantastical book out… Peter Pauper’s Irony Book which is filled with gems such as….
-What’s another word for synonym?
-Tom was walking down the street and said he didn’t believe in gravity. Then a piano fell on his head. Hahahahaha- Yes, he does laugh at his own jokes. All part of the fun!
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I’ve read ‘Why Drink’ as well. Unfortunately, I did not enjoy it at all. As a life long alcohol and alcoholic enthusiast, I was disappointed with the authors attempt (in vain) to put a negative spin on underage drinking and alcoholism. And the pull out sucked. All the fucking kid needs to do is eat a solid meal about two hours before imbibing and then take it a little slower. Stupid kid.
I’d like to order 100 copies of ‘Creative Recreation.’ The older Spanish do not believe in birth control, and when all these people are having babies at 50 and 60, you tend to get a hell of a tard population. They usually just lock the poor bastard in a cage, or if they’re really lucky, someone will build them a ‘habitat.’ I think it’s time to bring this place into the 1930’s!
Although I have no need of the last book, I was hoping you could mention to Auntie D that I’m looking for a book titled How to Succeed in Daytime Talk TV without a Vagina. Let me know.
I know that we all sometimes take you for granted but I’d like to take the time out to personally thank you for bringing so much joy, knowledge and laughter into our lives.
Thanks B!!
See???
This is why we make a great team, Scott. You provide the back-up to the soundrack of my posts.
Had I put two and two together, I would have come up with twotwo. Not only that, I also would have discerned that Peter Pauper’s parents were probably pretty poor…(which actually makes them more of an alliteration kind of family, but whatev.)
As for the pull-out (if I had a nickel for everytime I said that in an completely different situation!), I have to agree with you. That kid is a total light-weight. He just needs to eat more carbs beforehand (so as not to harsh his buzz), and pace himself.
“Go Hard or Go Home!” is so pre-teen.
I will definitely ask Auntie D about the vagina-deficient talk-show host books (wasn’t that Rosie O’Donnell?), and as always, Scott, the copies of your other requests are in the mail. Free of charge. It’s the least I could do for the man I call “The Wit Behind my Shit”.
Thank you for the guffaw-worthy (for real, not Peter Pauper style) comment, Scott. And remember, you and I are like Puff Daddy (or P.Diddy, depending on the project) and Biggie Smalls. I lace the track, you lock the flow…or vice-versa, depending on what the situation calls for. (Reality Gods-you lace, Fuck t-shirts-I lace)
How do you think of these things? Why aren’t you selling your brain to MAD TV?
Ha!
Thanks Pamela, but I don’t thnk that MAD TV would want my brain. Hell, there are times when I don’t even want my brain. (But then again, that’s usually just when I’m interacting with my co-workers or saying inappropriate things while in performance meetings with my Boss.)
Always good to see you, Pamela,
Bschooled:)
Hi B,
Between your posts, the comments, and your replies…thanks for an hour of really clever entertainment! Still trying to stop giggling and crying over…ohhh, there’s too many to mention! Happy December to ya (oops-do they have December in Canada? *blushes from not knowing if he said the right thing*)
Have a great week,
JRofOP
PS: I’m a bad Twitter-er too.
Hey Jrofop!
Yes, unfortunately we still do have December. (The only difference being that ours usually lasts around six months.)
Thanks for the comment, Jrofop, it’s always good to see you!
Bschooled:)
ps. I really do need to become more “twit-adept”.
Has Auntie ever revealed who her book supplier is? I wonder if they do tours of their warehouse? What a fun-filled day that would be! I’d pay at least 20 cents (American) for a 2 hour tour.
Hey YnB!
I haven’t asked her who her supplier is, and to be honest, I’m not sure I want to know (like TL, she’s the type of lady who likes to hold multiple parties in her pantaloons).
But just for you I’ll ask…;)