Reader’s Digest – Rejected Humor Submissions
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I was driving into town with my four-year old son one day when we saw a group of birds crossing the road.
“Look, Dad!” he exclaimed, “A bunch of gooses!”
After laughing hysterically for a good 20 minutes, I finally had to tell him that the correct term, was in fact, “geese”.
-John L. (Submitted Jan. 2006)
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A patient in my hospital had died and the new nurse asked me the procedure for preparing the deceased for viewing by the family.
“Just make him look natural,” I told her. “Similar to how you saw him before he passed on.”
Later on, I went to help the nurse and was shocked to find the patient propped up with pillows, penis in one hand, Hustler magazine in the other.
-Anna J. (Submitted Aug. 2003)
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Early one morning the phone rang. and groggily, I answered it. “Hello?”
My boyfriend at the time, who was on the other end, replied “Hello?”
“Who is this?” I asked, still extremely groggy.
“It’s me” he replied.
“Who?”
“Your boyfriend.”
“Yorb Oyfred?” I said confusedly.
“Your boy..friend!” By now he was sounding rather annoyed.
“I’m sorry, but don’t know anyone by that name.”
“NO, YOU IDIOT!! IT’S YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!”
“I think you have the wrong number, Yorb,” I replied, before drowsily hanging up the phone.
…You really had to be there.
-Laura N. (submitted Jan. 2002)
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An elderly client was sleeping under the hairdryer as I swept the floor of our hair salon. I couldn’t help noticing the beautiful brooch she was wearing, with its unusual contemporary design. When it was time to remove the hood, I asked her where she got it.
“I’m not wearing a brooch,” she replied.
“Yes, you are,” I said and pointed to it.
“Oh, dear,” she said, looking down. “My dentures must have fallen out!”
-Lois J. (Submitted Jun. 2000)
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While waiting in line at a busy grocery store, a child began screaming as the clerk scanned items for the gentleman in front of me. “I’m sure glad I don’t have children,” the customer remarked.
“I’m glad mine are already in my teens,” the clerk put in.
I couldn’t resist. “I’m glad I only do anal,” I said, tongue firmly-in-cheek.
- Kayla U. (Submitted Jan. 2006)
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John L and Laura N would make a great couple
. They are the sort of people I usually get stuck next to at dinner parties (deliberately).
God, imagine being a mortician in Hollywood and being asked to make them look natural. It would just be a pile of skin.
Phew, glad it was her dentures, thought she may have been flashing her tits
Blahahhaa I was at a meeting last year with the head of Catholic education and she asked me if I had any children and I said “Not that I know of” …. this was greeted with a deathly silence
Ha! I don’t think they have morticians in Hollywood…just Plastic Surgeons who minored in Cosmetology. Which explains why they have to plan their death a few months in advance…
Believe it or not, I said the same thing to a guy I used to work with. He replied by saying “HAHA! Well, if you had them, I’m sure you would know!”
(That was greeted with an even deathlier silence.)
The good thing about being so plastic is they don’t ahve to embalm you. You will never decompose.
but you could get recycled
I remember Joan Rivers saying in her next life she was coming back as a water bottle
I thought she already was a water bottle?
Kayla sounds like my kinda girl!
I knew you’d appreciate her, DF!
From what I heard she’s the life of the party…
The two greatest punchlines ever written:
“…you had to be there” and “I’m glad I only do anal.”
This leads me to believe that the Reader’s Digest Humor Editor wouldn’t know funny if it joined him or her in the shower and travelled down the back roads. (I believe the kids call it “taking the scenic route.”)
Dentures, Hustler, Yorb: these are all the hallmarks of great humor. (Only “doing anal” however, is a hallmark of Hallmark and is somewhat trademarked. Fortunately, due to its subject matter, no one will admit to trademarking the phrase “I’m glad I only do anal.”)
You had me LOLing like a CAT, bschooled. Awesome stuff.
Thank you, CLT. Although I can’t take all the credit (if it weren’t for the Johns, Annas, Lauras Lois’s and/or Kaylas of the world there wouldn’t be any rejected submissions to speak of), I do feel I deserve a good 95.78% of it, for providing them with a global(ish) platform-like blog from which they can be heard. In fact, if things go well I plan to start my own online publication, one that will only publish the works of aspiring socially-inept (not to mention grammatically-ignorant) humorists. And one that isn’t free to read.
Let’s just say I’m doing it for the kids. Not my kids, of course, but the kids of those aspiring socially-inept humorists with bad grammar.
(I’m also doing it because it’s the only market that hasn’t yet been saturated, but that’s neither here nor there.)
Thank you for the thought-provoking (“scenic route” you say?) comment, CLT. I would ask for a contribution from you, however since you are the antithesis of socially-inept and grammatically incorrect, I fear I would have to reject your rejected submission. (No hard feelings, I hope.)
My “you really had to be there” moments are funny, too, but unfortunately (or is that fortunately) I never thought of sharing them with Reader’s Digest before….hmmmm…
Isn’t it great that John L. is such a font of wisdom for his young son? Gives me hope for future generations
I agree, Talon. Most of the “you had to be there moments” in my life have been moments when “you really had to be there.” (Or so I’ve been told…repeatedly.)
If only there were more John L.’s. The world desperately needs more fathers who can laugh hysterically at their ignorant children’s mistakes.
I mean, let’s face it, mockery and ridicule are two of the most powerful learning tools we have.
I’m glad I was somewhere else in January 2002
Haha!
Trust me, if you’d seen her facial expressions when Yorb called, you wouldn’t be saying that!
Hard to believe that was 7 years ago…still cracks me up when I think about it.
“When it was time to remove the hood?”
I’ve always felt that there was an air of “secret society” around the hairdresser and understood that the ladies undergo some unusual procedures but Aggie never mentioned hoods to me.
It all smacks of fetishism, nastiness and inflated pricing. No wonder the old dear’s dentures feel out. She was likely struggling for air.
In this instance, I’d say the Reader’s Digest made a good call.
Your friend,
Don
Don,
You are like the elderly Horatio Cane of “Questionable Practices” (albeit without the blublockers and hilarity-ensuing “zingers”). No matter how well they may be concealed, you always seem to find the hidden messages indicating “possible abuse” and expose these “possible abusers” for what they really are. Which is abusive. (Possibly)
Now, some people would call this talent of yours “Paranoia”, and some would even call it full-blown “Frontotemporal Lobar Degeneration”. But truth be told, it really doesn’t matter what they say, because at the end of the day…
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Well, let’s just say that at the end of the day, “they’re rubber and you’re glue”.
Thank-you for drawing attention to something I would have otherwise overlooked, Don. That’s just another reason why I need you to stay alive (and somewhat cognizant) for as long as would be considered humane.
(Not like I know how long that really is, but still.)
Your friend (for as long as would be considered “humanely” possible),
Bschooled
Wow, he said anal in the grocery store? Hilarious.
Well, actually it was she who said it, but I have to agree…it was pretty hilarious.
(In an extremely inappropriate way, of course.)
So why did Yorb call Laura in the first place? Did he actually know her or was it a wrong number? I drunk dial a lot so that could also explain it.
Oh, and someone needs a biology lesson if they think they can’t get pregnant from anal.
TL, I hope you realize that I posted the last submission especially for you.
When I first came across it in my rejected submissions pile (which I get from frequenting the dumpster behind Reader’s Digest HQ), I thought it might be just a bit “too much.” But I wasn’t completely sure.
So then I thought to myself, “What would Tannerleah do?”
Then I laughed, because I realized that was a pretty stupid question to ask myself.
Anyway, to make a long and somewhat superfluous story short, TL…Merry Christmas.
(I know it’s not much, but it’s the thought that counts.)
Bschool
Your a really twisted in a normal sort of way…the last post floored me……not a readers digest fan….but the goose one is priceless…..happy holiday…zman sends
Hey Zman!
Good to see you. Thanks (I think?) for the compliment (I think again?). And I agree, the last one floored me as well.
Wishing you and Penelope a very Merry Christmas and Happy 2010! I hope you’ll have more funny Z-thoughts to share on your blog…
bsends:)
Ha!
My lovely little daughter made the same mistake once, calling a bunch of crossing geese “gooses” when she was about two.
I quickly corrected her with, “No, no hon; that’s takeout,” and hit the gas, once again supplementing our weekly grocery bill.
And of course, there was a wrong number years ago from Yorg Irlfriend . . .
I was going to go into a whole thing about false teeth falling out during anal in the stockroom of a grocery store, but now I’m just reaching, and falling far short. Or just falling far.
Those gems were funny as hell, B, on a day when I really, truly needed a few laughs. Thanks for the fun trip . . . great post!
Ha!
I have to say that I love the family anecdotes you share, Invasive1. Perhaps you could send a few more to me and I could post them in future RD Rejected Submissions posts?
I mean, you could go the long route and send them to RD first, but I have a feeling they just wouldn’t “get the joke” and it would end up in my pile anyway. So it might be easier just to skip the middle man. Your call.
Thanks for your always entertaining comments, Invasive1. I hope that today is a lot brighter for you!
b:)
Thanks, B! A brand new day is always better after the storm . . .
You have absolute carte blanche (something-something in French) to use any of my anecdotes, burned memories, edited flashbacks, or any other things I tap out on a keyboard, scribble on a cocktail napkin, or spray on subway walls; if there were actual subways out here in the woods . . .
Kind and flattering words, thank-you. Dan Akroyd should be using your material, for a big comeback down here in tinsel town. I still laugh over his “bag of broken glass” as a great Christmas gift for youngsters.
Another gem Reader’s Digest would turn their nose up at!
I see that embracing the anal lifestyle seems to have garnered the most attention. Freud would have had a field-day with this.
Methinks thou dost expose out true heart (appropriate apologies to Queen Gertrude in Hamlet of course).
Haha!
Oh, FJ…be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar (appropriate apologies to Polonius, of course).
b;)