It’s great to see you. (And I love the new avatar!)

And in my opinion, your opinion is anything but humble. (I know that doesn’t really make sense, but just so you know, I mean it in a good way;).)

I hope you had a very Merry Christmas, and I wish you and Rip nothing but the best for 2010.

(We miss you around here!)

Bschooled:)

Mr. Mills is the “knower of all things…”

Ha!

Ivan.

In fact, if this “Reader’s Diggest” (note the extra “g” for legal purposes) publication of mine ever gets off the ground, I would be honored if you would consider coming on board. I need people like you to find people like Carol, and tell their inspiring, yet “get to the fucking point!” stories through your brilliantly succinct (and Responsible Care Aware!) eyes.

At least think about it.

Thank-you, CLT. Those were the best chuckles I’ve had since watching “AFHV” with my family on Christmas Day. (Although truth be told, I don’t think I was chortling for the same reasons Tom Bergeron was).

b:)

Ps. I hope you don’t mind, I am taking the term “perjoratively” and sticking it firmly yet gently in my back pocket. You never know when it might come in handy.

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat. “We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

…Hope you’re having a great holiday, FJ:)

Carol X. once was a promising warehouse supervisor. She was well-liked and worked hard, even on half-days and the days before holidays and Fridays and Mondays and even during those pointless mid-week days where you just can’t get motivated no matter what.

During a routine inspection of the steel racks used to store the backstock, Carol noticed something was amiss. The I-beam had been hit by a forklift, causing a deep bend near the bottom of the beam and the retaining pins had come loose.

Carol, ever the active and noteworthy employee immediately cordoned off the area and sent an underling (Jeff Underling, to be exact) to report the situation to the head of the Safety Committee.

Jeff raced to the committee’s foreman and related the I-beam situation using a collection of hand gestures and swear words. The foreman replied that he would relieve Carol and her excellent vision in a few moments as he was busy updating the “Days Worked Without a Horrifying and Retina-Destroying Accident.”

As the foreman rummaged around in his supplies looking for the ever-evasive “2,” Jeff Underling returned to check on the I-beam and assist Carol in her 20/20 vigilance. Soon the feisty number was corralled and affixed to the posterboard with a combination of packing tape and gum.

The foreman spoke briefly to Carol and took some grainy and out-of-focus shots of the damaged I-beam. He sent a forklift operator to the warehouse to remove the product so the steel rack could be disassembled safely. He also sent an underling (Ralph Underling, part of Underling Food Products greatly expanding nepotism plan) to take a look around for the “0,” just in case.

Once the foreman had the situation under control, Carol returned to her office to write up the Incident Report. She brought Jeff with her to help fill in the details. 30 minutes later it was complete and turned in to the Safety Committee, narrowly beating the arbitrary deadline by 7 minutes. The Safety Committee sighed heavily and put away their Safety Violation Disciplinary Action Sheets.

Proud of her swift action and full compliance, the foreman of the Safety Committee chuckled and offered to “buy” her a cup of coffee in the breakroom. He had used this terrible line several times before without incidence, but this time it failed. Carol turned him down, opting to head out of the building and down to the local coffee shop for some fresh-brewed and a couple of danishes.

As she stepped outside, she heard some commotion to her right. She peered past the entryway and into the bright sunlight. This error of judgment proved costly.

The commotion she heard was the installation of an exhibit by a local artist who worked exclusively with mirrors and reflective surfaces. His insightful critique of “everyman narcissism” was aligned perfectly with the 10:30 am sun, which focused two beams of light into Carol’s unprotected pupils.

She fell to the pavement, instantly blind.

Carol stated later that her last thoughts were, “My god! I left my safety goggles on my desk!”

Carol doesn’t hold a grudge against the young Bohemian who inadvertently blinded her although she does wonder if public funding should be used to erect “horrendous eyesores” like she much imagines this art installation to be.

On the other hand, her fellow workers say she looks pretty good in a Santa hat and oversized sunglasses and miss her keen instincts and eyesight, which would have prevented them from missing many limbs and digits.

The Safety Committee had no comment but offered to “buy” us a cup of coffee.

(PS. Another great post, bschooled. Hope you had a great Xmas and I see I’ve missed another Billboard posting. Well, I didn’t miss it. I did read it and enjoy it, ROFLing both figuratively and perjoratively. [?] Don’t ask me what that means. My “comment muse” seems to be drinking heavily and wondering where our relationship is going.)

It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.