Auntie D’s Bookmobile–Boxing Week Blowout Sale!
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Check out the new wheels!!!
Auntie D’s old bookmobile is currently in the shop, getting a complete overhaul for an upcoming episode of “Pimp My Ride” (“Literature Lovers” Special). So while Xzibit turns her vintage wheels into a “souped-up well-read sausage baiter”, she’ll be kicking around town in this off the chain Scion XB.
Here she is yet again (you just can’t see her because the windows are tinted), ready and willing to take advantage of all you hardcore bookaholics out there rolling in that proverbial ”post-Holiday” dough.
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101 Uses For a Horse is a brilliant read. But watch out! If you’re not already the proud owner of one of these amazing hoofed ungulates, I can guarantee that after reading this book you’ll be headed straight to your nearest horse-store to buy one. I know I was.
Sure, they may seem a little pricey (Craigslist is currently advertising a branded Trakehner Gelding for $11,000), but according to whoever wrote this book, your investment will definitely pay off in the long run.
The following are just 100 of the 101 uses for a horse:
White glue, Superglue, Krazy Glue, Elmer’s, UHU sticks, 64 other kinds of glue, fertilizer, soap, make-up, hoof key-chains, boots, gloves, pet food, jackets, baseballs, Assless chaps, paint brush, hair brush, shaving brush, brush for your other “un-dead” horse, jewelry, and last but not least, 16 different cuts of meat for everyone’s favorite, horse burgers!
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…Oh, and if you want to find out what #101 is…well, you’ll just have to buy the book!
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Bruce Hoadley really knows his wood. And he should, since his prosthetic left-eye is made from the finest maple oak that money can buy.
Despite the somewhat deceiving (albeit extremely hip) cover, “Identifying Wood” is actually a cleverly-titled autobiography, revealing the trials and tribulations Bruce endures as he struggles to overcome the obstacles that go hand in hand with having an “extremely-flammable artificial ocular organ”.
The following exerpt taken from the book, illustrates both the self-consciousness he felt as a teenager as well as the feelings of rejection he experienced at his first (and only) high-school dance:
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…Sick of being a wallflower, I knew that it was high time I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Just because I had a custom-whittled eye didn’t mean that I was a monster. I mean, nobody’s perfect, right?
Standing in the corner watching my classmates ”do the time warp” around the gym, I decided it was time to come out of my shell. It was then that I noticed her. She was sitting by the punch bowl, looking even more desperate than I was. And who could blame her? Even from where I stood, it was obvious that she had quite the harelip. But like my Mother always said, beggars can’t be choosers.
Mustering up all of my courage, I slowly made my way over to where she stood. And after anxiously pouring myself a glass of punch and taking a few deep breaths, I finally spoke.
“Er…would you like to dance?” I asked, extremely nervously.
After what seemed like hours, she finally lifted her enormous head and looked up. Her bug eyes immediately lit up and a huge lopsided grin came over her aesthetically-unpleasing face.
“WOOD EYE?!?! WOOD EYE?!?!?” she exclaimed, jumping up and down and waving her stunted-arms in the air.
I was humiliated.
“Harelip! Harelip!” I yelled furiously, before running out of the school gymnasium never to return again*.
*Thankfully I was still able to earn my GED through correspondence courses.
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When I first saw this book, I was like “OMFG Auntie D! I can’t believe it!”
I immediately called my friend Kymmie. She answered the phone and was all like “WTF are you so excited about?” And I was like “What do you mean, WTF am I so excited about? Auntie D has OMFG!!” She was like “STFU, are you serious?” and I was like “U STFU! I’m totally serious!” Then she said “IIASB?”, and I said “GYHOOYA, ASIF!”
Then we both LOL’ed until finally she said “GGP, I just drank a MOV.” And I said “LMFAO! That’s TMI! OK GF, TTYL…”
Seriously guys, if OMFG doesn’t make you ROFL, you need to GTFO.
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I have to admit that B. Koz has a point. If a guy can’t use feminine hygiene products in a masculine way…well, then why bother?
I’ll tell you why. B. Koz* men who are able to take feminine hygiene products and turn them into something extremely masculine are self-assured men, that’s why.
(*Gratuitous pun)
The following are just two of the of the 50 extremely “man-like things” that can be created with a little patience and a few ‘menstrual-flow containing’ products:
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1. “Light Days” Beer Cozy
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"Light Days" Beer Cozy
With this cool “Light Days” Beer cozy, you can rest assured knowing that your hands will stay warm and your beer will stay cold. These extremely absorbant pads* are self-adhesive, and even come with a matching disposable feminine hygiene bag so you can pack it away easily for use at your next celebratory function.
*Also comes with limited-edition wings
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2. Tampax Remote Control Finger Attachment
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Tampax Remote Control Finger Attachment
Are you tired of always having to reach over to press the buttons on the remote control? Well now you don’t have to. Just pop on the innovative new “Tampax Remote Control Finger Attachment”, and it will do all of the laborious reaching for you.
Just think of all those kilojoules of energy you’ll save!
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Are you one of the millions of men suffering from a prostate? Are you scared of waking up one day only to realize that you’ve suddenly acquired an unsightly tubuloalveolar exocrine gland? If so, this book is for you.
John Tobe, bestselling author of “Get This Lung Outta Me!” has compiled this easy-to-read medical reference guide, explaining how you can treat and/or prevent life-threatening prostates before they start.
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Here’s what one post-prostate-sufferer had to say:
“I may have a prostate, but thanks to Mr. Tobe, a prostate doesn’t have me!”
-H. Willard, Prostate Survivor
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*Thank-you for checking out Auntie D’s Boxing Week Blowout Sale and stay tuned for next time, when she stops by in her still-old yet much improved bookmobile that will no doubt “corner like it’s on rails”.
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Nice pic of the world’s longest tampon.
Pesky thing the prostate, we sprayed for them around the house and the damn thing came back.
Funny stuff Ms B. Happy New Year (in Spanish). Ha
Ha!
You’re right, FJ. That is the world’s longest tampon. In fact, it was the inspiration for the following advertisement: http://contexts.org/socimages/files/2009/06/virginad.jpg
(My answer would be a big fat “NO”.)
Happy New Year in Spanish to you too, FJ!
OMFG B! Love the new wheels for Aunty D, who will no doubt be racing them on “Pinks” next week.
Just wondering if any of those horse functions include “optical adhesive” to keep Bruce Hoadley’s eye in his funny skull . . . and Mister Koz would’ve been very demonstrative to have that hunter taking aim at a winged Tampax, soaring overhead. The artistic symbolism alone would have moved his product like the NY Times bestseller it was meant to be.
Or not.
The last book is just painful to look at, and yet another reminder to go change my “man diaper”.
— Excuse me while I polish a big Chevy truck with my special “waxing tampon”.
Great post, B! Thanks for the laughs!
Haha! “Or not” indeed!
Let’s face it; even with the artistic symbolism, Mr. Koz is missing that “je ne sais quoi” that grabs people’s attention. Well I guess it’s not really missing, per se. He shot and killed it and now it’s hanging over the mantle on his fireplace.
Why, you ask?
“B.Koz he’s tough as Chuck’s nuts, that’s why!!!”
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(Er, I really need to stop responding to comments first thing in the morning…)
Thanks for the hilairous comment, Invasive1. I look forward to seeing pictures of your truck once it’s polished…
ISCSL (I seriously couldn’t stop laughing — in case you’re acronym challenged) after reading this post. Oh, my! And me who had the horse and only found 2 uses for it…what a waste of potential! I could have opened my own glue shop!
And here I thought that a man Ispied buying maxi pads the other day (he was blushing and mumbling and shuffling his feet and couldn’t make eye contact with the cashier) was purchasing them for his wife. Now I know he was planning on making a 2-4 cosy! HA! The secret life of femine hygiene products has been revealed!
YTFT (You’re too funny, Talon).
Now I won’t ask what the 2 uses you found for your horse were (I don’t like to pry), but I will say that I’m glad you didn’t read this book. You may not know this about me, but I’m not a big fan of glue. Being a non-adhesivarian, it goes against my beliefs.
(I don’t care if other people use it, mind you, it’s just a personal choice.)
I think I may know that guy you’re talking about…was he wearing these by chance? http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3195/2736836096_e3ed1ce719.jpg
If you see him again, T, tell him to save some for the rest of us!
Thank you. I was going to ask.
Holy fuck!
http://www.omfg.com actually works and apparently they’re still profanely trying to arrange your f’in conventions and meetings in the quickest and largest (?) way possible. Kind of warms your heart to see that sort of obliviousness still present in today’s “been there, done that, punctuated it with a donkey punch” world.
Thrilling stuff all around, bschooled. And by thrilling, I mean hilarious. And by hilarious, I mean roffles and all.
Who knew horses could be so useful? Once you get past the glue and dog food, the authors really seem to be reaching. “Companionship?” “Apple disposal?” “Threatening rival mobsters (one use only)?”
It’s great to see the return of R. Bruce Headly and his horrific prosthetic. The man knows his wood and isn’t afraid to show it. (I assume I’m referring to his knowledge, but one can never be too sure…) TL could learn a thing or two about proper wood identification and the grey areas of public wood displays.
I know when I think “femine hygiene products” (and it’s more often than I’d like to admit), I think hunting. Nothing like a faithful dog and some hip waders to make me ponder life’s mysteries. Like “I wonder if I could use this for a beer cozy,” or “Jesus Hayzoos Christmas! How long are these things? No wonder I’m always getting asked if I’m ‘in yet’ or if I’m even ‘in the same room?”
I know that as soon as my backordered copy of “I Am Jack’s Prostrate” comes in, I’m cutting that arrow off that book cover and taping it to my assless chaps (thx, horse!) so the arrow itself is now anatomically correct.
Thanks for the laughs, bschooled. See you at the next AA meeting (Acronyms Anonymous).
Forgive me if my grammar is a little off, CLT, Iwas roffling (and lmfaoing) so hard at your comment that I seem to have lost all cognitive brain function. Fortunately this only happens when I a) laugh excessively, or b) eat gluten.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but sadly, “I am Jack’s Prostrate” is no longer being considered for publication. After the luke warm reviews recieved from from “I am Joe’s Prostrate” and even ‘luker’(sp?) warm reviews from his follow-up “I am Joe’s Third Nipple”, they decided that Jack would just be beating a dead horse (which is most definitely not one of the 101 uses for them).
But you’re right about one thing. Bruce definitely “knows his wood”. (However not in the way that you correctly assumed he wasn’t referring to.)
Thank-you for the endless LOLs, CLT. It’s because of you that “Hayzoos” is my new safety word (for the month of January, at least).
that’s not Bruce Hoadley – it’s Derryn Hinch!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derryn_Hinch
I think he wrote that book under a pseudonym. It was published between “101 Ways to Lose Your Mobile Phone” and “How I Hit the Wall and Didn’t Bleed”
OMFG, NM, that’s totally him!
Well, I guess you can’t blame the guy for using an alias.
After writing a book titled “AIDS – Most of the Questions, Some of the Answers”, I’m sure nobody was all that keen on paying $30 for more of his written work. (Especially since he only answered the rhetorical questions.)
Although I have to say I’d be interested in finding out how a person can hit the wall bloodlessly…
OMFG I have to come back and make some comments when I have stopped convulsing on the floor
Have you stopped yet?
Nope, give me a few more hours
I would have thought “Identifying Wood” might have been written by Marilyn Chambers or the like.
Why? Was she a lumberjack?
(I have to be honest, I don’t really know all that much about the Timber Industry)
Porn star.
I have lots of experience with feminine hygiene products and am thrilled to finally be sharing those special moments with men. Maybe you could develop a special tampon for flatulent men? A variation of the butt plug? You know, I’m working some w/ a sex toy manufacturer … maybe I can help. With your design sense and great skill in colors we could come up with something appealing. I’d suggest marketing it to the wives/ girlfriends. We could get it on line in time for Father’s Day. “For the man who thinks he has everything” ( you can name it too… I’m in the sharing mood)
Brilliant idea, DF! Count me in.
We can call it “Tampass” (or not), and get Tannerleah to be the spokesperson. (I’m pretty sure he’d do it for a six-pack of PBR and a life-size Sarah Palin poster.)
These manly men aren’t going to know what hit (or should I say “poked”) ‘em!
You can also use a horse to hide things inside of it. Christmas presents, Easter eggs, midgets, gang weapons…it’s a pretty long list.
Oh, and the girl with the harelip? She rocked my world. (Although the stumpy arms were a bit of a distraction).
TL,
I take it you’ve read the follow-up book, “101 Uses for a Horse’s Orifice”.
Oh, and I’ll tell Bunny that you enjoyed her company. Considering you have such unusually high standards, I’m sure that will be a big ego boost for her.
(Feliz Nuevo Ano el hombre sin pantalones!)
Auntie’s new ride is bangin…maybe she should go to this new ride maybe she can pick up new readers in the hood…love the choices I have always had some questions about uses for the equestrian world….and as always everybody needs a little wood in their life……as always have a safe and MR Mills complain free year…although the latter is not likely…zman sends
Hey Zman!
I told her the same thing, but unfortunately she really likes the old wheels. (Probably because of those two guys that were standing out front.)
An equestrian and a wood coming your way, Z! Wishing a very Happy New Year to you and Penelope…:)
B:)
b, I knew I recognized that man! But it was snowing at the time and the only thing I could see were the pads sticking out of his boots – you know you need that extra insulation in these brutal Canadian winters. We call him Sanitary Man or SM for short. He was wearing a cap with sanitary pad ear-flaps – I should have KNOWN it was him!
Haha! Sanitary man is perfect. There’s a guy at work we call Non-Sanitary Man, but I’m sure I won’t be confusing the two…(I try not to get within ten feet of that guy.)
Perhaps Sanitary Man is Russian? At least that would explain the ushanka….
sweet ride bschholed…so you’re from “Old Dominion”? who knew?
Thanks Lynn!
Actually, I have to admit that I’m not really from there. I just know a lot of “extremely” well-connected people, if you “catch my drift”.
(Don’t worry, I didn’t catch it either)
I’m definitely loving the new ride; Auntie D’s got it going on!
I’m not sure if 101 mentions the best reason of all? Here’s what you do; buy a first rate race horse and let it win a few races. Then once it’s listed as a favorite in a big race, you drug the thing to the gills and bet on the number 2. The investment pays for itself in no time. BTW, did I ever tell you about my PGH days?
I could definitely use Identifying wood. I’m never really sure myself and it would be a great pocket reference guide. In the morning, I may find some wood, but it’s not good quality wood. –You can’t use it for much. Other times, I think I have wood and then it turns all half woody on me. So I need this book.
Lastly, the prostate book is a really, really sore subject for me right about now. Still I think I’ll take a copy of that as well. I’m hoping it can tell you were to find it in the case of an emergency. With this broken coccyx, I’m not sure if it fell out, or wound up in my throat.
Great job as always B!
Scott!
I’m so sorry to hear about your coccyx (Is that how you pronounce it?). I looked up the term “broken coccyx”on Google, and even just the drawings gave me those shivers you get when you see something that you’re really glad didn’t happen to you. I can only imagine how uncomfortable you must be right now.
Of course I will send you the books, by now you should know that you don’t even need to ask. It’s like I can read your mind. (Oh, and the morse code signals you’re constantly sending me really help too.)
And no, the 101 Uses For a Horse didn’t mention anything about “Robbing Peter to Pay Paul” (is that the correct idiom to use in this particular case?) But then again, that’s what people like us are for…
Can somebody say “Sequel”???
Happy New Year, Scott! I hope 2010 is a thousand times better for you than the end of 2009 was…
I have the sequel… 101 uses of a dead horse.
I know Bruce and he’s a tool!
Wasn’t OMFG once a guidebook for Atheists?
I also have the sequel … 50 Ways To Use Feminine Hygiene Products for School Projects. My nieces and nephews just love making sheep out of tampons.
Does the Prostrate book come with photos ?
Sheeps out of tampons…I think you may have just inspired my next sculpture gallery, frigginloon…
Would you actually want accompanying photos?;)