I really appreciate your help in this matter, Harmony. I have to be honest, I was starting to think that maybe I needed a restraining order or something.

I mean, sure, it was only one comment (a comment that made no sense for that matter, seeing as he was looking for information on a product he was already selling), but really, who am I to judge? A stalker is a stalker, and what you did is most definitely something I would’ve done, had I a) thought of it, and b) happened to have a spare Eukanuba-stained doggy toy lying around.

As for Mr. Truitt, I’m afraid that all we can do is keep praying. It seems like ever since he went on holiday and traded in the suit for that red t-shirt of his, he just hasn’t been the same. (Although I do have to say that red really does bring out his eyes.)

Thank-you for your help, Harmony. I know you said that I didn’t need to, but it just wouldn’t feel right. (I am Canadian after all…it’s what we do.)

Bschooled:)

I wish I could be more sanguine about Mr Truitt, but I am afraid he’s beyond help. Frankly, I relieved that we have hardly heard a peep out of him since the last Autumnal Equinox.

Don’t let what Alan said hurt your feelings, he didn’t mean it. Really, he’s just upset that dog sledding didn’t make it into the Olympics this year, and he’s taking it out on relevant commenters.

And do you want to know why dog sledding didn’t make it into the Olympics this year, Eric Food? I’ll tell you why. Because Eukanuba was their sponsor, and the second main ingredient in Eukanuba is marijuana. That’s right, Eric Food, Mari-freaking-juana. Mary Jane, hemp, reefer, Acapulco gold, Maui Wowie, ganja, hash, loco weed, yoko weed, Sean Lennon weed…whatever you want to call it, it’s in there. And it’s mixed right in with the human flesh, so you can’t even pick it out.

So not only was Alan’s dream of beating the Jamaican dog sledding team crushed to kibbles and bits, he got into an unhealthy relationship with that ridiculously named dog food, a relationship that made all of his other relationships seem boring. And non-addictive. Including the one he was in with you.

Really, don’t take it personally, Eric Food. Because it’s not you that has made Alan miserable, it’s Eukanuba.

Or maybe it is you. To tell you the truth, right now I’m just too distraught to figure it out.

My name is Alpo Eats Food, and although this isn’t my blog and I’m hardly one to get wet over spam, I have to say it: Where have you been all my life? (Please answer me soon and include the following words – sloppy, unctuous, gargghh, penile implant, damn, whoopee, doggy dicks, flubber, flootenham, flarackus, Hell, and dirty baby. ) No questions, Eric, just do it.

Also, Eric Food, you lie about Eukanuba., it’s main ingredient isn’t soy – it’s human flesh. And that’s the best possible base for eating and skiing. If they had lined the ski hills with human flesh the Vancouver Olympics wouldn’t have been the unmitigated disaster it was people.

Athletes died, Eric Food. And you have the temerity to talk about soy! I can’t believe I used to date you. It is so over. I’m breaking up with you. You can’t break up with me because I broke up with you first. Ha ha! I win, Eric Food. You’re nothing but a bad memory, an undigested bit of beef or an old potato – yeah, that’s right, I’m quoting from A Christmas Carol and here’s another line from it, just for you – “blow me you sloppy unctuous penile implant of a flootenham, flarackus, you suck doggy dicks in Hell you damn dirty baby! Gargghh!!!”

Wait! Don’t go Eric Food! Come back. I didn’t mean it. I love you. I love you!

(beat)

I don’t think he’s coming back…

Sadly I don’t dance. Call me a humanitarian, but I refuse to put other people through such an eyesore. (At least when I’m sober.)

It’s good to see you, Lynn. Good luck with the move!

b:)

(*In Canada, instead of OMG we use OMPM because our Prime Minister is considered to be somewhat “God-like”.)

It’s obvious you guys need someone like me to “kick your ad campaign up a notch” over there. I mean, the chicks in bikinis are fine, but where’s the booze? And the cast of the Real World Sydney? Those are the first two things that come to my mind when I think about Oz.

Don’t worry, I’m on it. I just need to work on both my lingo and my “hesitate to mentions” (unfortunately mine tend to be much longer than yours are), and I’ll be on the next bus out. Unless I can get my Mom to drive me, that is.

(I’ll let you know.)

Like I always say, Scott is the “areola to my great tasting cola!”

Or maybe it’s the other way around…

(I’ll have to get back to you on that.)