The only problem is that I went over to his last known address and turns out he’s not there anymore. So I’m thinking he either escaped or was sent to a maximum security facility somewhere upstate.

I really hope it’s not the latter. (Only because I have no idea which province “somewhere upstate” is in).

The only reason Alcaltraz closed it’s doors was because Alan wasn’t born yet.

Brilliant, Allan. Hysterical comments!

I can hardly believe this is happening! Here I went to bed just a regular-type person (you know, two arms, two legs and one strategically placed Adam’s apple), and I woke up a potential big wig advertising writer!

I swear, this must be how that grey-haired dude who won American Idol felt. “I have the world at my fingertips! The sky’s the limit! Never say Never! You can’t prove that I’m not in my 20′s!”

I promise I won’t let you down, Alan. Or up. Or wherever it is that you don’t want to be. (And you don’t even have to worry about me leaving you dangling off a balcony, because trust me–it’s ain’t gonna happen.)

I’ll get to work on new ad ideas right away. But only because my old ones sounded a lot like the ones you just mentioned.

The Shreveport Maximum Security Prison- The most fun you can have with your shackles on!

Ps. I really hope you work out that issue of yours someday, Alan. If not for yourself, then at least for your Country. (uh oh! Trip down memory lane alert!)

Damn movie trivia misquotes . . . the ghost is in the details, B! Not in my Coors Light!

Big news! The Shreveport Maximum Security Prison is looking to hire ad writers. And I think you’re just the right person to nail this ad campaign right in the, um, well, wherever it is prisoners nail each other (I think it’s in the weight room with a candlestick, but let me double check that with Warden Colonel Mustard…).

I’m impressed by your insight into the need for a new and perky prison ad campaign. You’re really on the cutting edge of prison.

Apparently the old ad slogan just isn’t driving in the thugs, hooligans, career criminals, wayward dregs and unrepentant monsters of society that it used to.

It makes me wonder what the world is coming to. (But that’s my issue and I’ll try and work it out some day.)

Anyway, I did a little digging and one of the key ad points for The Shreveport Maximum Security Prison is to get onboard with new social media (twitter a thug, facebook friend a lifer) as well “beefing up” a new campaign to start driving reformed criminals away from their lives of being well adjusted members of society and back to lifetime criminals with no future. That means a new aggressive ad campaign with fun accompanying visual images.

This could be your big break. (I have no doubt there is a prison joke here, but I can’t stop to think of it, I’m just excited for you!)

According to the screws (now referred to as The Social Organizers & Gatekeepers) a few ideas for Shrevport’s new tag line have been pitched and rejected. So when you start building your ad campaign, you’ll want to avoid the following themes and concepts.

The Shreveport Maximum Security Prison – Come for roommate Bubba, Stay for his gopher stew and endless physical assaults

The Shreveport Maximum Security Prison – If you were incarcerated here, you’d be home by now.

Good luck!

Coming from a talented writer such as yourself, I take that as a wonderful compliment.

(Although truth be told, I think it may have less to do with talent and more to do with the fact that I tend to blur the lines between fact and fiction in my day to day life.;))

It’s always nice to see you, G,

Bschooled:)

Thanks for being able to put a smile on my face whenever I stop by. I may not comment all the time, but I do enjoy reading your blog.

You have absolutely no reason to be sorry. Your comment was like a large bouquet of miniature one-word speeches, all rolled up into several clever and thought-provoking paragraphs. And believe it or not, I’ve never said that to anyone else before.

I mean, I’ve said things that sounded similar, like “Your comment was like a large bucket of minotaur one-toed sloths, all rolled up into several clovers and hallucinatory pantomimes,” but that was only because I had broken jaw.

Not to mention the fact that I was high on the drugs.

Now before I go on (and on and on and on squared), I do have one question. Do you know if Shreveport is hiring any ad writers? Because let’s face it. Although “Come for the murder charges, stay for the shanking and prison rape” is extremely catchy and wit-ensued (who doesn’t laugh at the thought of a good shanking?), I think it may appeal more to the black and blue-caller types, you know?

If they want to attract more of the blue-blooded criminals, they really need to kick their wording up a notch.

Perhaps something along the lines of “Come for the unlawful death charges, stay for the impalements and unsolicited fornication!”

I just think it would appeal to a more well-bred demographic of criminals, that’s all. (Not to mention that the well-placed exclamation mark adds a certain level of excitement to the mix.)

Anyway, I guess my point is that the problem with young people today is that they’re all fucking naked. And the problem with old people is that they’re all fucking Kiwanis. Or Shriners for that matter.

Oh, and my other point is that if you do find your speech, could you throw in some scrotum guzzlers, the occasional cuntastic dipshit, a flatulating fuckaphobic groin mauler and more than a few merkin sniffing cock-smokers? I know it’s kind of like plagiarism, but those words never fail to make me smile on them.

And in the end, being smiled on is what it’s all about.

Next week on Bschooled’s comment thread: Find out what the “it’s” in the above phrase really is.

-