A Word From Our Sponsors…
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Introducing Du Pont Cellophane.
The thin, transparent wrap that locks in freshness, so your precious spawn stay just as moist and youthful-looking as the day you delivered them. (And without those awful crying sounds!)
Not only is Du Pont Cellophane the ideal solution for transport and every day storage, bulk freezing is also a breeze thanks to this impermeable state-of-the art wrap. Just separate twins, triplets or multiple births, and wrap the extras tightly in individual portions. Label each package with the name of the child, date and thawing instructions, throw in the freezer, and Voila! Hassle-free tots you can raise at your convenience.
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Customer Testimonials:
“My Lucky Day!”
“While loading my car to run errands, I placed my cellophane-wrapped toddler on top of my car. Only 10 seconds after reminding myself “don’t forget the kid!” I proceeded to get in and drive away. After accelerating to 50 mph, I heard a “thud” and suddenly remembered he was up there. My immediate panic quickly disappeared, however, as I found him safely resting against the roof rack. The best part was that he looked exactly the same as when I first wrapped him!
-Sarah P. Boston, Massachusetts
Good Things Are Twice As Good In Du Pont Cellophane!
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How does a respectable man tell his sensitive, yet extremely rustic and unkempt wife that she’s suffering from halitosis of the nether regions?
Well, the truth is he can’t. Not without looking like a crude and insensitive asshole, that is.
So that’s where we come in.
“Lysol Brand Douche. It tells your sensitive yet extremely foul wife so you don’t have to.”
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It’s a fact. Scientists at Pazo have recently discovered a new way to shrink those pesky hemmerhoids without having to endure painful and costly surgery. They call it ”The Pazo Formula”, and you won’t believe just how easy it is!
Every night before bed, just apply a dime-sized amount of Pazo ointment to the infected area. Then, throw on a pair of high-waisted flood pants, lean awkwardly over a headless mannequin and grab a few hours of shut-eye, and in just a few short weeks those painful, itchy hemmerhoids will have all but disappeared.
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”The Pazo Formula…Now Why The Hell Didn’t I Think Of That?”
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“Hey you! Yeah you! The kid with the band-aid!”
Yeah, believe it or not that’s what everyone used to call me. The kid with the really noticeable band-aid. Before Soul-Aids, my sore thumb always seemed to stick out like…well, like a big, sore, white-ass thumb.
But thanks to new these cool new band-aids for kids with “other colors of skin”, not only do I feel more accepted by the 15% of the population who are white-flesh colored, I don’t have to feel embarrassed when I get all cut up and shit.
“Now That’s What I Call My Kind Of Flesh Colored!”
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Damn! They never had the cellophane wrap option when my kids were growing up! (probably a good thing as I would have put them in the freezer and totally forgot about them)
And is there anything cuter than babies wrapped up and tied with a sweet little bow?
As always, I am amazed by the product lines you discover and share. Defnitely these will change my life. Well, not all of them….actually none of them as my kids grew up (though I’ll have a supply of that cellophane on hand for future grandchildren) , I’ve got nearly perfect skin tone match with the strange orange/beige tone of the usual band-aid, hemmoroids and vaginal halitosis are not something I’ve ever had to deal with….yet…but I feel soooo good knowing if they are a problem in the future I’ll know exactly how to treat them.
Thanks, b! You’re a lifesaver! Or is that a wifesaver?
Haha!
No need to thank me, Talon. Your thanking me is thanks enough.
(?)
Anyway, call me a horrible salesperson (I might as well stay with the post’s theme of “political correctness” here), but I’m glad you aren’t currently in need of any of these (fine) products. Not because they don’t work, mind you, but because that would make things really awkward for me. (I get extremely fidgety when people start talking about things like hemmerhoids or vaginal halitosis.)
Oh, and not to “one up” you or anything, but my skin tone is so perfect that everytime I put a regular band-aid on, I can never find it again. (In fact, right now it’s probably safe to say that my body is covered in them…)
(?)
Ha! That darn ol’ Du Pont. First they weeny roast third world kids with napalm, and now they bag and tag. What EVER will they think of next? Perhaps shrink-wrapping a hemorrhoid
right out of the back-end brown eye. NICE!
And Soul Aid! Not to be confused with Kool Aid, Cool aid, Kool and the Gang Aid, or any other kind of HIV slash AIDS in general.
Woops. My’s kid’s here. I gotta cut bait and be a parent.
WDYFTS!!! [Where do you find this stuff]. It’s like Louis Leaky at Olduvai Gorge, unearthing those crazy damn humanid bones. Good times . . . good times . . .
Keep unearthing, B! You rock and roll!
Louis Leaky, wonderful analogy.
I’m not sure what those zany fellows over at Du Pont will think of next, but I only pray that it’s not that thing you just made think of next. (Only because now I don’t feel so hot… )
Thank-you for the props, Dan. I hope that others notice the obvious similarities between me and that crazy Christian fossil-finder. (But only because it would be a lot easier to find someone willing to publish my otherwise insipid memoir.)
I hate that they used a blue bow on the basket
blue for boys so limits a child
while they’re wrapped they should be encouraged to explore their inner gender ID
you know it’s a good post when the freakin’ tags make you laugh right off
since we walked the red carpet together at Scott’s I thought I should visit, I’m really glad I did
Hey Dianne!
I agree with you. Wich is why I’m starting a foundation called “Taupe For Tots”.
I think you’ll agree that taupe is the one of the most gender neutral colors of them all. In fact, even the name sounds mildly androgyneous.
Thanks for stopping by, Dianne. And just so you know, I’m honored to have been able to share the red carpet with you. Especially since your captions never fail to amuse me.
Bschooled:)
They say “There’s a womanly offense greater than body odor…” Isn’t the nether regions part of the body???
Given the picture, I thought the Pazo treatment was to stick a big sewing needle up your butt and popping that hemorrhoid
that’s why you’re a cartoonist and not a doctor – you’re supposed to use KNITTING needles bearman, not sewing needles
Thank God you’re here, Nurse Myra!
Because I think I may have just thrown up a little in my mouth…
Bearman, why you always gotta get so technical?
Oh, and thanks for the visual. Needless to say, breakfast is going to go down really well this morning…
I completely lost it with the Lysol Brand Douche….when I first saw the ad, I thought it was for Lifeboy soap (same concept), but this was way much better.
Even now, I break out into loud chuckles as I write this.
Hey G!
Thanks for the comment. And thanks for introducing me to lifebuoy soap! I googled it and found this:
“The Phillies use Lifebuoy, and they still stink!”
Serously, why can’t advertising be like it was in the good old days…
I can’t believe you find these things! Especially the cellophane! That’s pretty scary. And wtf does sewing have to do with hemorrhoids?
Honestly Yang, I don’t even want to know.
Call me naive (or medically ignorant), but it was only recently that I discovered what hemmerhoids actually were.
Needless to say, I was horrified.
Please tell me that the “soul-aid” is a joke, not real?
Sadly, they’re real.
Even sadder still, is that they were invented in the 80′s…
OMG………
I love, love, love them all B! You are really coming into your own in this career. You’ve become a downright marketing monster.
I was thinking that for your second round of ads for the Cellophane, you could push even harder to the people who will use tons of the shit. You know who I mean; the shrink-wrap bondage crowd. I tried to find a link but after a ½ hour, I almost got two viruses (don’t ask) and threw up once. But you know what I mean. The put a person (or 2) in a chair and go round and round with the Cellophane until they look like a pallet of fine china ready to safely travel the road to Bagdad without breaking. They’ll drive your sales figures way up.
The Lysol ad was brilliant; I sure could’ve used that advice while I was dating. When I ran into that ‘problem’ in the past, I used a crude method myself. I’d just stuff a dead herring down my pants all day before the date and when the girl wanted to do ‘the bad number (69) stuff’ I’d just say ok. Needless to say, I never had to do follow through with the bad number stuff!
I’m not sure about the Pazo product, but would you recommend it for bags under ones eyes as well? I heard that works…..
The Band-Aid ad was Super-Freaky Bad-Ass! I was wondering if they did anything in a nice Mulatto? As you know, I’m half Italian (southern too) so in the summer I get super dark. If would be phenomenal if I had a Band-Aid to match my skin tone for when I get all cut up and shit. Happens more often than you’d think.
I’m personally going to nominate you for a plethora of CLIO awards. With my connections and your creative prowess there are no limits to how far we can go!
Scott,
Ok, first things first. You need to start a new WordPress blog and call it “Scott’s Commentary”. (Or, you can call it “The Commentary of Scott”…either/or). Then you need to take all of your blog-worthy comments and post them to this blog.
Trust me when I say that it will only be a matter of time before companies like Du Pont and whoever does the marketing for “Chuck’s Nuts,” come knocking down your virtual blog door, asking you to represent them.
(I think your ideas will also kill at S&M shows and in the anti-lesbian market, but since I’m not all that hip–or “hep” for that matter if you know what I mean–I’ll have to look into that.)
Second things second. I have to agree, I am becoming a bit of a “Marketing Monster” so to speak. Heck, I’m even starting to get monster claw hands, just like the infamous Franklyn Ajaye- http://justmakingconvo.com/2009/11/03/billboards-greatest-hits-part-2/
And third things third. Thank-you for nominating us for the CLIO awards, Scott. Those subpar celebrities are right, It truly is an honor just to be nominated.
But just a word of caution. Whatever you do, please don’t nominate us for the CLEO awards. That crazy phone psychic gives people like me a bad name…
I guess I could try to cut down my too- wordy comments, I just get so excited by your amazing posts. I haven’t been posting too much lately because I’ve been crazy busy, flipping and editing articles for work. So I don’t turn on my creative brain until I come over here and see all this wonderfulness. Then it just comes erupting out of me………
I thought we already had the ‘Chuck’s Nuts’ account? WTF? If they’ve been seeing another firm behind our back, I’ll just…..I’ll……well I guess we wouldn’t have any recourse we would. I’m not man enough to do anything about it, but I’ll be upset!
Ahhh you, me and Franky made three. We had some great, non-dope smoking times together didn’t we? I miss him…I wonder if he ever got his dick out of that zipper? -Thank you Wiki
….we wouldn’t have any recourse, would we?….
Are you kidding? Your wordy comments make my life, Scott. It’s not so much the words themselves, but the way you have of combining those words into a unique prose-like sculpture, that is indeed a delicacy to the eye.
Like a virtual Dairy Queen Skor Blizzard*, if you will. With extra chunks of Skor.
(*my favorite non-virtual delicacy)
And of course we would have recourse, Scott. Trust me when I say that virtual Dairy Queen Skor blizzards just don’t taste the same without it.
(?)
Ps. Just so you know, Franky eventually did get his dick out of his zipper.-Thank-you Jeeves.
Sheez imagine leaving them in a car on a hot day! Saves on a body bag I guess.
“….the Douche is so powerful yet safe for tissues.” who gets a f*** about friggin tissues. Stay focused.
That woman still looks like she still has a few nasty hemorrhoids!
Oh and while you are at it you might want to pick up a couple of these…
http://randychestnut.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/toothpaste.jpg
Oh my god, my ass hurts, and it’s only partly from laughing, thank you Nurse Myra.
This is absolutely amazing, B. You rawk (see, I’m very hep. Hip. Whatev.) I could use some soul aid, if you know what I mean. And, um..if you do, know what I meant, that is, please explain it to me.
BKT!
No doubt about it, you are totally hip. And even though I don’t know what you mean, that doesn’t mean anything since I have no idea what I mean when I say it either.
That’s what makes you and I so “mysteriously hip/hep/rawked out”…
(BTW-In case you were wondering, I have absolutely no idea what I just said.)
Apparently evolution is still going on. Haha funny Ms B, cause, sometimes I’m not so fresh.
You’re always fresh, FJ.
You’re like a walking Summer’s Eve…
Hahaha, love the ‘Soul-Aid’! Yikes!
“Yikes!” indeed!
What will they think of next?
(Hopefully nothing…)
Man, that douche ad is a jaw-dropper …
No wonder my sister and I turned out the way we did…
Alberto-Culvers FDS (not to be confused with Frizzy Dendrite Syndrome aka FDS) ‘feminine wash’ now comes in the following fragrances: Extra-Strength, Baby Powder, Shower Fresh, White Blossom, Sheer Freshness, Sheer Tropics and Exotic Kiwi and my two FAVORITES: Delicate Breeze and Ocean Breeze (algae, brine, Red Tide?). Now if they can meld any of those scents with the antiseptic properties of the Lysol douche…
Haha! You are truly a weatlh of information, Elizabeth. Which is why you’ll note that I tagged you in this post. If it wasn’t for you and your nether regions (not literally, but figuratively…or verbally?) it wouldn’t have been possible.
(Well, at least not the antiseptic Lysol douche part of the post.)
ps. I’m no expert, but I’m guessing that “Delicate Breeze” probably wouldn’t be an option for the Lysol brand.
I need cellophane wrap for my dogs, so my books and pillows don’t get eaten. Would you market that next, PLEASE?
I’m on it, Pamela!