Reader’s Digest-Rejected Humor Submissions
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*****
My husband and his buddies were sitting in the kitchen one evening, discussing the fish he had caught at the lake. I asked him what he planned to do with it, and he replied that he’d probably freeze some and smoke the rest.
I couldn’t resist. “I thought you quit smoking five years ago!” I said, tongue firmly planted in cheek.
-Norma Q. (Submitted Feb. 2006)
*****
On a first date with a girl I’d met over the internet, I decided to take her out for a fancy meal. I ordered the steak, and when I looked over at her she was staring at me quizzically.
“Your profile said that you were a vegetarian,” she said questioningly.
“No,” I replied, laughing at her obvious error. “I said I was a Vaginarian!”
-Henry I. (Submitted Aug. 2006)
*****
My co-worker is a huge fan of writer Bill Bryson, so I thought his new book would be a perfect gift for her birthday.
Unfortunately, so did her husband— Bill Bryson.
-Hannah J. (Submitted May 2005)
*****
My brother and I were in the attic, packing up boxes of old books and magazines belonging to our recently deceased Mother. Just as I was getting the boxes ready for the car, I heard my brother laughing loudly in the corner. By the time I returned, he was in complete hysterics.
“Why are you laughing at a time like this?” I asked despondently.
After looking over his shoulder to see what was so funny, I couldn’t help but chuckle as well. He was reading the Reader’s Digest Humor Section!
-Carol C. (Submitted Apr. 2007)
*****
My brother Ben and I run a small floral business.
And no, we’re not gay!
-Charles K. (Submitted Jun. 2004)
The damn horse picture still makes me laugh like hell. You just don’t see that hair style anymore . . . great as always, Bschooled. I’m going to go smoke a fish!
Thanks Dan,
The horse picture always gets me too. It just seems like such an oxymoron, the animal with the long face promoting the humor edition of their magazine.
Enjoy the smoke, Dan. But whatever you do, stay away from the sardines. The smell of the second-hand smoke alone is enough to kill anyone within a ten mile radius.
b:)
And b’s alive and well! Yay!
In the future, I’m keeping some copies of Reader’s Digest handy to lighten any potentially despondent moments. Nah, I think I’ll keep copies of the rejected humor submissions instead – waaaay funnier!
Hey T!
Good to hear from you! Believe it or not, I thought about you the other day, oddly enough while I was killing a cockroach. It was only the second time ever that I thought maybe the endless snow and freezing cold weather back in Canada wasn’t so bad after all. (The first time being when I saw your photos, of course.)
Thanks for the comment, T. I’ll be sure to take a photo of the cockroach for you, just so you have something to remember my trip by.
(Yes, I realize that makes no sense. Apparently I’m still in shock.)
b:)
I apologize Bschooled.
I had a comment all ready to go but after reading about those florists I couldn’t stop thinking about Bengay and how I need to pick up another tube of their arthritis cream formula. The stuff words miracles.
Anyway, a lovely post and a treat to have you back providing more Reader’s Digest rejected classics.
All the best
Your arthritic (but freshly moleless) friend.
Don
No worries, Don.
To tell you the truth I had a response pre-written as well, but after reading about your freshly removed mole, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I really need to call my neighbor and make sure he’s keeping an eye on my yard while I’m away. Apparently it’s warming up back home, and the last thing I need is to find a bunch of burrowing rodents on my property.
I usually post a sign that says “Stay hoffa myl awn udayng cridders!”, but unfortunately I was so busy that it slipped my mind.
(Fingers crossed that it’s all good.)
Thanks for the visit, Don. And whatever that arthritis thing is that you have, it must be doing wonders…you’re looking better and better each time I see you. (Then again it could just be that red background of yours, it really does brighten your face.)
Your friend,
Bschooled
i see you are up to your random hilarity bschooled..i’ll bet you’re fun to have at parties.
Hey Lynn!
My motto is “It’s all fun and games until someone calls the federales…”
Then things just get awkward.
Spot on, bschooled, as the Brits are fond of saying. Don’t know what the limeys see in the word “bschooled,” but to each his own, I suppose.
You’ve nailed the cliche right on its shopword and tired head: “tongue firmly planted in cheek.”
Who the hell ever thinks that, much less actually says it (or types it) other than the editors at Reader’s Digest. They must have some sort of “Search and Replace” or “Autotype” that automatically inserts it before the “punchline.” I just cannot believe that each submitter (?) writes that trite little phrase into their “humourous” anecdote.
I think I’m going to start using that to lead into particularly devastating lines in hopes of lessening the sting:
“… and it looks like we’ll also have to amputate the remaining limb,” I said, tongue firmly planted in cheek.
“… which is most likely why your estate planning went horribly awry,” I said, tongue firmly planted in cheek.
“… not only is the retina detached, but your eyeball seems to have rolled into the floor drain,” I said, tongue firmly planted in cheek.
“… I’m pregnant [huge, racking sob],” I said, tongue firmly planted in cheek.
“… which is why I repeatedly stabbed you in the chest,” I said, tongue firmly planted in cheek.
“… leading to your lawn being set on fire,” I said, tongue firmly planted in cheek.
Classic stuff, bschooled. Instantly classic, perhaps. Like a Kincaid painting. Nice to see you back, up to your hips in blogwater.
CLT,
Leave it to you to pick up what RD has been trying to put down for years. You see, it’s not so much what these people say that is humorous, but rather how they say it. It’s the only explanation for why certain double entendres make it into publication, and others don’t. Let me show you an example:
Rejected Submission:
One evening I was having dinner at my brothers’ house. As we chatted, I noticed that Tom had a burn mark. I asked what had happened.
“Oh,” he said, looking down at his penis, “Let’s just say I had a rough night.”
-Kelly H. (Submitted Feb. 2002)
Published Submission:
One evening I was having dinner at my brothers’ house. As we chatted, I noticed that Tom had a burn mark. I asked what had happened.
“Oh,” he said, looking down at his penis, “Let’s just say I had a rough night.”
Er, did I mention that he said it with his tongue firmly implanted in his left cheek?
-Kelly H. (Submitted Feb. 2002)
As you can tell the difference is subtle, yet it really can make or break the piece.
Thank-you for the hilarious, retina-detaching comment, CLT. Needless to say, my tongue was deeply entrenched “in the area of the face below the eyes and between the nose and the ear” the entire time.
As a HUGE fan of humorist Bill Bryson (he reminds me a little of tannerleah), I can attest that one can never have too many copies of his books. Great for re-gifting, eBay, and rereading. Why, I might even affix 30-50 of his books to a wall in my den making an accent wall and conversation piece. As a matter of fact, I’m moseying over to eBay right now to purchase a copy of “A Sunburned Country” for my daughter who has an Aussie ‘virtual boyfriend’ (it may provide fodder for their late-night Skyping sessions). I think Hannah J. is on to something.
I think you might be right, Elizabeth. If I ever wrote bestsellers, I would hope that my common-law (or flavor of the week, at least), would be happy to recieve gifts that reminded him of the love of his life but not for long seeing as I’m on this earth for a good time not a long time.
And even if that has nothing to do with Hannah and her co-workers situation, I felt I had to get that out there, on the off chance that my latest flavor of the week happens to be reading this. (I’m not big on the whole face to face break-up thing.)
Oh, and don’t get me wrong, I happen to be a big fan of the Aussie accent…but I thought your daughter liked the Latinos?
She has ‘moved on’…it was her first foray and a case of unrequited love (no doubt fostered by a nine year age disparity).
“I’m on this earth for a good time not a long time.”
That is a classic line if I ever saw one. We sound like two peas-in-a-pod. Unfortunately, I am enamored with life and now regret the few decades I have shaved off. May you live to be 120 bschooled (and me half as much).
I don’t think that is unfortunate at all, Elizabeth. In fact, I remember reading something you wrote along those lines on TL’s blog, and I just kept thinking to myself that if only more people felt that way, this world would be a much brighter place.
So yes, I do think we seem like two peas in a pod (albeit your peas much more scholarly), and when I say that I’m not here for a long time, I mean compared to a tree. Like a Douglas Fir, perhaps.:)
Henry’s a keeper but he might have lucked out if his date doesn’t eat meat…I’m just sayin
Hahaha! That could be taken so many ways, FL.
And I don’t think Carol (or her goggles) would approve of any of them…
Lol, nice ones…
Nice to see you, Brogan!
Isn’t #2 just a little risque? No wonder Reader’s Digest rejected it
Trust me, NM, Reader’s Digest has published worse. You should have read the one about the Mangina.
Granted, it was a lot funnier.
I hate to tell you this, but Charles K is really gay.
Nice to see you, Donovan,
Do you really think so? I mean, I had my suspicions (especially with a name like “Charles”), but I wasn’t sure. “Charlie” or “Chuck” would sound way more heterosexually-friendly. Seriously, have you ever known a gay guy named Chuck?
Thanks for visiting Donovan (very heterosexual name and avatar, btw). I hope to see you again.
Bschooled:)
For once I completely agree with the uber competent geniuses at the RD. These ones definitely didn’t make the cut….
Norma blew it by not ‘going vagina.’ There was a great vagina joke in there and she let it slip right through her fingers. In my experience if you can do a vagina joke you DO a vagina joke.
The second joke did feature a vagina…but I didn’t get it. Does that girl only eat vagina? She wouldn’t really be getting enough nutrition to sustain herself would she? It doesn’t make any sense.
Hannah’s joke would have worked a lot better with Clive F. Cussler. You know what I mean?
Carol’s joke is the diamond hidden in the rough. Pure Comedy Ovaltine!
Charles should know that stereotyping, homophobia, or bigotry is never, ever funny. And they are sooo obviously gay.
Scott,
Thanks to your comment, not only do I see these rejected submissions in a more rejective light (which I’m guessing would actually make it more of an anti-light, or a dark, if you will), I also have a new safety word. One that kicks ass on every other safety word I’ve ever had sitting in my back pocket, just in case.
Creepy Guy- “Do you like it when I do this?”
Me- “Not really.”
Creepy guy- “How about this?”
Me-”No, not at all.”
Creepy guy- “Well then, how about th…”
Me- “Ovaltine! Ovaltine! Ovaltine!”
I have no idea what (or who) I would do without you, Scott. But needless to say, it wouldn’t be pretty.
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why Carol’s submission got rejected!
Hey Jill,
At first I couldn’t either, but then I realized it was probably because she left out the part about her tongue being in her cheek at the time…
I heard they’re real sticklers about that.
B. Schooled -
I came here via Don Mills’ recommendation, expecting more of the always-entertaining youth-bashing. I must say that the entertainment here is of a completely different stripe but entertaining nonetheless.
I must point out that during the darkest days of the Korean Mixup, the lighthearted filler of the Reader’s Digest did much to lift our spirits. In fact, we often submitted the riotous goings-on of our platoon to their “Humour in Uniform” section, only to be faced with nearly as much rejection as the unfortunate and mostly humourless persons listed above.
For instance: After going missing for three days, Corporal Henderson returned to our base looking a bit worse for wear. After a hasty court-martialing for going AWOL and near-desertion, Henderson was sentenced to a matching term in The Box.
Once he was safely detained in the 6-foot by 6-foot metal container, the rest of the platoon was encouraged to hurl invective and bodily fluids at the offender in an effort to discourage a repeat violation.
As I neared the front of the line, which at this point contained nearly 500 men, all loaded with obscenities and urine, my buddy looked back at the throng and said, tongue planted firmly in cheek, “Now that’s what I call ‘Corporal punishment.’”
Well, long story short, the editors at Reader’s Digest failed to see the humour in the anecdote, even after re-sending the letter with the word “corporal” circled and “tongue planted firmly in cheek” underlined. And since this was our 12th straight rejection letter, we began to feel that the Readers’ Digest editors wouldn’t know funny if it broke their spirit with 3+ days of court-sanctioned torture.
And yet they all laughed at M*A*S*H*, which was nothing but excess sentimentality combined with “Beetle Bailey” comic strips. Go figure.
Thanks for bringing those memories back, bschooled. I needed to get my “bitter” on (I hope I’m using this phrase correctly) before attending the local city council meeting.
Sincerely,
C.L. Tanager
Clifton,
I must say that I’m honored you came by to visit. Having a man of your background and stature visit my blog is humbling, to say the least.
The rejected submission you mention is the very reason why I do these types of posts, to bring awareness to the fact that the Reader’s Digest Humor Section is little more than a thinly veiled cover-up, created by socially-inept (and disfigured) virgins to brainwash the public into thinking that having one’s tongue permanently wedged in the side of one’s mouth doesn’t make them a monster, it just makes them ironic and slyly humorous, and not meant to be taken seriously.
Not only is it pure unadulterated blasphemy, it’s also the synonym of blasphemy, not to mention that it goes against everything my Province stands for.
(Well, the West side of my Province anyway, the East side is still on the fence.)
Thank you for sharing that thought-provoking story, Clifton. You are a scholar and a wit, and I can see why Don thinks so highly of you. And even though it goes without saying, if I were ever to become Editor of Humor in Uniform, your bodily fluids would be hurled all over the front page.
Respectfully yours,
Bschooled
So, you’re back? Did you write long hand?
These really are too painful for me to read – they remind me of my joke telling.
Hey Pamela,
I’m not back yet, but luckily (or unluckily I should say) I was able to find a hotel with WIFI for a few days. But all good things must come to an end sometime, so next week I will be back to the old pen and paper method of communication.
And if it makes you feel any better, some of these were actually inspired by some of my past jokes. Like I always say, it’s not the joke that matters, it’s the accompanying facial expressions and strategically-placed jazz hands that make all the difference.;)
lol, b! Me and dead cockroaches – yeah, that makes sense!
Glad you conquered the monster and hope all continues to go well and that no more cockroaches dare to invade any of your territory!
LOSTL! THOSE WERE ALL SO FUNNY! LOSTL!
i couldnt help but chuckle (outside in the cold) at every one of them! SO WONDERFUL!
Im not sure what a readers digestion is but im assuming its a comedy handbook for people? everyone needs a chuckle in times of sadness, so it sounds like a wonderful pocketbook for all people!
HOORAY!
Bob
Bob!
I knew these would tickle that awkward funny bone of yours (located somewhere under that pasty white skin and oddly-shaped freckles).
I’m glad you liked them, after how good you’ve been to your mum, I think it’s safe to say that you of all people deserve a good-humored (while at the same time non-threatening) COSTL.
Your friend forever (online only),
B:)
Boy howdy did they! LOSTL!
!! COSTL !! I LOVE IT! Chuckle Out Side Then Loudly!!! LOSTL! COSTL!
I do love my mum and you too!
Your Friend Forever Online and Everywhere,
Bob!
Vagimarian! Ha!
Missed ya.
Will!
I hope this means you’re back…it’s been hard for me to keep our lingo alive without your support.
“Vagima 4-Eva!”
Miss B, the Tourist thing did not work out and it’s your fault!, You have to have a criminal background ,or at least a history of dissent and rabble rousing , a family history of transportation for debauchery and sedition may have helped , without a ‘past’ any position in Australia of such importance will be held to scoff.
However, am working on(your behalf) the position of ‘consultant’ to the Australian Art and Culture ,yes their is such a thing, Foundation, with your ‘creations’ in mind,could you please though DO something in the hussey/criminal sense to give a boost to my efforts, perhaps a T Shirt saying ;
“Ice Hockey
Oi’ Oi’ Oi’”
With a kangaroo arse over head on the ice would be outstanding.
Just why you would go to New Zealand for a holiday seems a little odd, however I suppose any country that has a smattering of English is at least better than Tasmania or Quebec.
We shall ignore this “Indiscretion” .
I shall report.
Laird!
It’s good to hear from you! Well, I guess it’s not really that good, seeing as you’re telling me that my future career plans are a no go, but still. I’m Canadian, and it’s what we say around here.
They obviously didn’t do a thorough enough background check, though. Had they looked a little closer they would have discovered my shady past, filled with hilarity-ensuing dissent and sedition-like antics. Like the time I told the Prime Minister that “his mother wore army boots” for instance.
I mean really, does it get any more seditiously rabble-rousing (but in a light-hearted way) than that?
Regardless, I hope this back-up idea works, I will see what I can come up with on this end. I’d like to steer clear of the hockey references if possible (right now it’s a bone of contention for our neighbors to the South), but perhaps I can come up with some kind of Poutine/Shania Twain/Degrassi/Oi’Oi’Oi’/Timtam hybrid.
Keep me posted Laird, my future as an Aussie is in your hands.
bschooled
I’m glad you’re working on a back-up plan, though.