A few of my favorite things…
March 14, 2010
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Christmas Day
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Birthdays
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“Just Because”
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Monikers
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Synonyms for Monikers
45 Comments
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One of my favorite things is a bschooled post. : )
How helpful that the guy labelled himself though I did think of a slightly better word for him
Somehow, the joy has gone out of me in respect of sanitary supplies…sigh…
Talon!
Love the new avatar! Your creativity never ceases to amaze…
Believe it or not (believe it!), that poor guy didn’t actually label himself, it was the only way they could cover the previous mark on his forehead. He was born with an extremely rare and unfortunate birthmark (also known as a dark-tint port-wine stain), that was shaped in the letter “E”.
Not only was it random, it was slightly off-centre, and the only way he could draw attention away from it was to add the “DUD”.
Sad, really*.
(*Statement referring to both the story and my comment.)
Great to see you, T! Oh, and I’m back to regular internet access, which means I’ll be stalking you more frequently, of course.
b:)
ps. I am in the States right now, let me know if you want me to bring you back any American junk food…;)
Oh I’ve always wanted a toilet seat for my birthday – why do people always give me books, perfume and chocolates instead? Have they no imagination?
But seriously, when I worked in a Vietnamese orphanage the teenage girls wanted sanitary napkins more than they wanted anything else. There was only one supermarket in town and I used to buy so many that the staff there must have thought I suffered from really heavy periods
NM,
Just tell me when you’re birthday is, and I’ll send you one. It may be second hand, and stolen from the hotel room I’m currently in, but hey…it’s the thought that counts.
About the sanitary pads, that would make sense. You worked in a Vietnamese orphanage? Wow, you are truly a wonder, Nursie.
And I mean that in a good way (not in the way I meant when I said it about the drunk guy who was whispering sweet slurs in my ear on the subway earlier.)
b:)
Thank you for another lovely post Bschooled.
Nice to see an old man getting a decent birthday present for a change. You can never go wrong with a nice new toilet seat (though I think he may have it wrong side up. Hopefully he won’t install it that way. I made that mistake once and it resulted in a Hell of a mess.)
Any idea what we are supposed to call Rita now that Fatso is off the table? I can never remember if the politically correct term is “person of extended girth” or “Hey Lardass.”
All the best.
Your friend,
Don
Don,
I’m sorry to hear about your toilet lid mishap. It’s funny, for some reason I always pictured you as a chamber pot kind of guy?
Regardless, even if he does somehow manage to get it on right, I worry that the lack of seat cushioning will be an issue. You know as well as anyone that “atrophy of the backside” is a definite concern for men your age (if only you could bottle that secret up and sell it to the young women out there!), and without any support, well, every time you sit down it’s kind of like punching a cement wall. Only with your booty (or lack thereof).
As for Rita, I think we’re just supposed to be as vague as possible, while still being a friend.
Because who knows, one day she may become a country singer and have a television variety show, co-starring those who stuck by her side through thick and…er, even thicker.
Thank-you for the comment, Don. And by the way, keep your eyes open for a pre-birthday package coming your way (courtesy of both myself and Royal Doulton). http://www.replacements.com/thismonth/images/RD_Chamber_Pot_x.jpg
The Dude abides.
The Dude abides like nobody’s business!!
(It’s what Dudes do.)
Poor kid. Only 8 and parents already think Fatso is in their future. No not Rita…the first kid.
Haha!
What’s even worse is that I think he asked for it…
took you more than 24 hours to respond to me. I expect better response time out of you..haha
Technically I’m still on holiday for another three days…otherwise you probably would have heard from me before you even left the comment…;)
“Holiday”…they call it “Holiday” in Canada too.
Is the US the only place that calls it vacation??
I thought you guys called it a lifestyle?
Dude, yea, it was totally funny before male pattern baldness set in, but now you look like a complete tool.
Honestly, if someone gave me a toilet seat as a gift, I’d shit in it right then and there.
If only Eric Richardville or Eric Food were here to make this completely awkward, then we’ve have some real fun.
HA! Tell you what, FJ. You round up the gang (or “E-squared” as we like to call them), and I’ll go out and grab some snacks.
Oh, and while you’re at it, grab Alan. I have a few Eukanuba stained doggie toys that I’ve been meaning to give him…
My favorite day of the week is when you tell me about your favorite things. Then they become my favorite things too, because that’s what a BFFFE is for!
I’ve always wanted to receive an effeminate, gay 8 year old for Christmas. I’d finally have someone to watch Project Runway and Top Model with. He could teach me all about spray tanning, proper hair care and fierceness, and I could teach him boxing and mixed martial arts. I love when small, skinny, effeminate men beat the living shit out of oafish bullies. It’s one of my most favorite things ever! Seriously, it is.
For my birthday, and in keeping with the bathroom humor theme, I’d like an enema or deep colonic to relieve my opiate induced constipation…please.
For my ‘just because’ gift I’d like more of those fentanyl patches (readily available without a prescription in South America) please.
I love monikers, but I’d personally go with The Dude if I were to get one tattooed on my forehead. Because I feel a deep kinship with Lebowski and all.
As one additional Christmas present, you could throw in the girl. Because where someone else may see a fatso, I see an opportunity to win 100k in The Biggest Loser Kids Edition.
Thank you in advance B!
Scott,
As usual, you’re right as rain (speaking of which, what’s the deal with that idiom, anyway?). BFFFE always copy each other’s favorite things, it’s all they know. Seriously, if your favs were different than my favs, how would we even get along, let alone be close enough to carry a vial of each other’s blood around our neck? (Speaking of which, I need you to send me another vial…the stuff you gave me keeps coagulating.)
Although I think you already have the “fierceness” part down pat (in a masculine way, of course), I’ll see what I can do about getting you the kid. But be warned, by the time Christmas rolls around, he might already be fit as hell. And have a tight perm.
As for your OIC (bathroom humor acronyms are funny!), you might want to ask FJ about that. He knows a lady who hangs out at Starbucks and specializes in Master Cleanses.
Don’t you worry, I’ve got a whole stack of Guatemalan Fentanyl patches coming your way! (Just ignore the expiry date.)
And I’m not sure if I can fit the girl in the parcel (weight restrictions and all), but the “go with The Dude” tattoo is yours.
No need to thank me in advance, Scott. It’s what BFFFE do. (When we’re not too busy carrying around each other’s blood in vials, of course.)
What’s the deal with us being on the same wavelength? We both used ‘right as rain’ at the same time in two different settings. I think it refers to the time that a heavy downpour stopped a gay pride parade on the streets of DC. This was when the Christian Right declared that rain was officially a conservative force of nature.
I could be way off though.
Believe it or not, I thought I was way off for thinking it referred to the same thing!
So weird!!
Share the opiates with me Scott, that’ll halve your constipation problems
Done, I’m going to need you to keep me right in the desert some day after all!
Santa scored big time with that kid’s secret wish!
I know! He looks like he couldn’t be any happier even if you’d given him a new pony. (Or whatever it is that boys like these days…)
Hmm….makes me wonder sometimes. Not sure about what, but it does make me wonder.
Haha! It makes me wonder too, G.
Makes me wonder, too.
The brilliance, Bschooled. The brilliance . . . how a young Richard Simmons fan becomes “The Dude” to try and be cool ( a little too much), and then one day, while delivering maxi pads to a starving African village, he realizes enlightenment, becomes the parent of a sensitive, obese young girl, and gets hair implants to cover his dumbass tattoo.
“You’re still a dumbass!” his daughter screams. “And guess what goes with a dumbass?”
She gives him a toilet seat, and the circle is complete.
I’m reaching, sure, but it’s still a great post. Welcome back . . . hope you loved the Golden Gate City!
Thanks Dan!
I really need to run these past you and your imagination before posting them, they could evolve from being “A few of my favorite things” to becoming “A few of my favorite bedtime stories”.
Tell your imagination to think about it and get back to me. We could be the next Aesop! (Or rated R version of Shel Silverstein, at least…)
Absolutely! And always a happy ending, where they live happily ever after, despite like . . . cross dressing masochism and weird stuff. Perhaps a little torture . . .
Welcome back! I see you’re up to your usual stuff… nicely done.
Thanks Laura!
It’s good to see you, in fact I’m on my way over for a visit…
Toilet seats are unfortunately and undeservedly much maligned. Leave it to me to find an upscale burl mahogany seat (these babies retail for >$600!) for my very first home. Doubt it was a birthday present to myself, but that’s not the point. It was elongated and tricked out with glossy gold trim. I have never had such a luxurious shit in my entire life. I moved and none of my new homes have had elongated toilets. I ended up selling it on eBay where, believe it or not, there is a market for used (luxury) toilet seats. I would be THRILLED to receive such a thoughtful gift (make it the rounder version though).
Wow! I have no idea why, but this story fascinates me.
Perhaps it’s because thanks to my ignorance, I didn’t realize there was a market for fancy toilet seats. I always assumed you either went with the plastic ones (the ones that come with the original toilet), or, like I saw on an episode of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” once, you went all out with the solid gold option http://instring.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/goldtoilet-1.jpg .
You must have actually looked forward to using the facilities, provided you were at home. But I would think it would make traveling quite difficult?
Seriously, if I went from a tour de force like that to the seats I’ve been subjected to this past month, I would have spent my entire trip in the fetal position, holding my bladder and refusing all forms of sustenence.
Ignorance is bliss, I guess…
Fatso is right. Don’t call her Fatso. Her name is clearly on her enormous lunchbox. “Rita.” Lovely Rita, I assume, who goes on to become a portly meter maid and works all those pounds off ticketing senior citizens who have forgotten where they parked, and me, who is still in a 2-hour parking space six hours later, having turned “a couple of screwdrivers for lunch” into my last day at work.
And then she saunters into the class reunion, several pounds lighter and possessed of a beauty that was never hinted at during her earlier years of pounding back sandwich after sandwich. The guys, balding and “Duded,” are all over themselves trying to get her attention. But she’s having none of it, especially as most of them remember her as “Fatso” and she won’t help them out by showing them her lunchbox, which sounds much more sexual than it actually is.
She leaves with the former star quarterback, who is on his 12th beer and 4th divorce, but still owns an ’87 Corvette and a kickass condo down by the lake.
Truly an inspirational story, worthy of a Hallmark Moment or a Lifetime Television Event, or at least a 5-minute segment on Telemundo.
Fun stuff, bschooled, full of pathos and maxi pads. Like life itself. Only funnier.
Wonderful comment, CLT. Full of surmises and surprises, which is just the way I like ‘em. (Because I’m a rhymer/rap artist.)
I think you’ll agree that the ’87 Corvette says it all. The former star quarterback could have been a hairdresser, or a Burlesque dancer, even (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and yet give he lady boy a set of kickassic(!) wheels with dark tinted windows, and suddenly he’s a vagina magnet. I see it all to often in cases like this. (My therapist has seen it as well, seeing as she’s my trusted confidant and the one I go to with all my sexual insecurity issues.)
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been up since 3am, trying to pack hundreds of dollars worth of junk food into a tiny backpack, and it’s taken its toll on my mental stability.
Regardless, Rita’s story needed to be told, CLT. And seeing as it was yours to begin with, you were the best one to tell it.
Long Live Rita!
Long Live Telemundo!
Long Live American Junk Food!
What? When? Where? Richard has a new DVD why wasn’t I told? Damn you bitches!
A toilet seat isn’t such a bad pressie, if it was friggin new!
Wait until he learns English!
It wasn’t so bad until the receding hairline
“Don’t Call Me Fatso”…. well stop friggin stuffing your face then Rita!
Sorry, FL. I meant to tell you about Richard’s new DVD, but I figured I’d wait until it came out in VHS. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Poor Rita. You’ll be happy to know that even though she was stuffing her face, she did manage to find the time to secure a recording contract and meet the man of her dreams. http://www.dawsoncreekeventscentre.com/images/Rita-MacNeil-Poster-465px.jpg
Sure, he’s no “DUDE with the receding hairline”, but as long as she’s happy, who are we to judge?
Damn, Rita has a new album too! Sheez, how did I miss that?
i love visiting your blog bschooled…it always brings up long lost memories of the past and with your wonderfully twisted sense of humor always makes me laugh!
re: richard simmons fan. i see some long sessions with a shrink in this young man’s future.
Hey Lynn!
It’s always good to see you, every time I wonder how you’re doing, you pop up! (Must be some telekenesis thing…)
I hope you’re right about the kid, because I see “being a shrink” in his future…;)
thanks and yes i guess i’m just like a cheerio and just wont stay down for long! still sporadic at blogging for now but i can see relaxation in my near future!
Hey maybe Richard could help Rita stop stuffing her face?
…And it comes full circle!
BTW….one of my favorite things is having my ying back in north america!
Aww! Thanks, Yang!! You just made my day!