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ARTIST STATEMENT
Art can be many things. To some, it is a passion, to others a form of expression. To me, it is a passionate form of expression.
When it comes to sculpture, minimalism is vital. This was what my inner creative muse said to me once. It said there’s something important here…something that needs to be exploited.
It went on to say other things, but by then I was too distracted to listen.
I begin a piece spontaneously, and become even more spontaneous as my piece starts to reveal its personality. By the end my spontaneity is so extreme that if my piece were to ask me to elope in Vegas, I would have no choice but to say yes.
Some viewers tell me that my sculptures aren’t really sculptures, rather stolen photos that have merely been altered in some way.
All I can say is if that’s how they feel, they’ve obviously never suckled on the teat of a newborn calf.
ABOUT THE GALLERY
This gallery has been in the works for a long time. I spent many months suffering from sculptors block, and it was only a few weeks ago that the creative juices began to flow once again.
Unfortunately, having been blocked for so long, they flowed so profusely that I lost a great deal of essential body fluid and had to be treated for dehydration.
You’ll notice there is no accompanying story with this gallery. MS Paint sculptures can evoke different emotions in each person. Therefore, it would be more less time consuming if I let you create your own story.
(Once you’ve created your story, feel free to email it to me and I will let you know if you are correct.)
The following is my blood, sweat and bitmap originating tears.
*Please note: Although the following photos were copyrighted before, they are even more so now.
MS PAINT SCULPTURE GALLERY: “JEAN CLAUDE VAN RANDOM”
“The Lyrical LOLCat”
MS Paint on LP of LOLCat ©2010
12 x 12″ Plastic Coating
“LOL’ing On The Inside…”
MS Paint on Ravenous LOLTiger ©2010
Approx. 7 feet, 500 pounds, caged (fingers crossed)
..
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“Sleepy Hutterite Girl”
MS Paint on Hutterite Girl ©2010
5 feet 4″, 125 pounds, covered in vomit from churning too much butter
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“Awkward Family Photo Bomb”
MS Paint on Random Photo of Socially-Inept Family ©2010
Comes in original cameltoe-designed frame
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”Too Drunk To Play”
MS Paint on Cotton T-Shirt ©2010
4 feet tall, 80 pounds, ESL Student
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*Thank-you for being enlightened by my work. Should you wish to purchase any of these pieces, or sing my praises in a more intimate setting, feel free to contact me at bschooled@hotmail.com .
(Sculpture-friendly correspondence only, please.)
Bschooled, I’m ashamed to admit it, but the best I can do art wise is a finger-painting of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill (at midnight). My lack of artistry in no way impedes my fine eye for detail nor does it diminish my unwavering appreciation for God-given talent bestowed onto true artisans such as yourself (in other words, I love to shop at Neiman Marcus and I am awestruck when anyone can make stick figures). Unfortunately, I just can’t seem to ‘create’ anything…although, I do remember as a young woman sculpting with my hands (and getting fairly good results)…pulsing mushroom sculptures…oh, never mind. Now that I have made full disclosure as to my lack of discerning artistic proficiency we can move on to your ‘sculptures.’
I am particularly interested in the second to the last sculpture (“Awkward Family Photo Bomb”) as this sculpted-photo instantly brought to mind a Gentile version of the documentary “Capturing the Friedmans.” You managed to capture the essence of family degradation, disgrace and depravity and yet your beaming stick drawing brings some much needed levity and merriment to the shrouded shame the family is unnecessarily cloaked in (reminds me of the “you might be a redneck if…you think there’s nothing wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family” joke). And really, there’s nothing funnier than incest jokes or humorous photos depicting incestuous families (hardy-har-har).
Lastly, so nice to see what could happen to a Hutterite girl if she meets up with an Amish boy on rumspringa. This instills hope that I may eventually meet my ‘bershert’ after looking for the last 20 years on JDate (hey, if it happened to her, it could happen to me).
I do hope you elope to Vegas, bschooled, as I would love to book an Elvis impersonator at the Little White Chapel down the street and throw tulip petals after the nuptials as a token of my appreciation for your unfailingly entertaining blog.
Are you kidding me? Your sculptures are perhaps the most brilliant and contemporary of all. You have the ability to take cerebral words and sculpt them into thought-provoking, wit-infused comments.
True story, sometimes I want to copy and past your work, then display it in some sort of page-numbered gallery (not sure how that would look yet), that I could present to my old colleagues at the Engineering fiirm where I once worked.
“See?” I would say, showing them your latest piece. “Here’s living proof that you can be extremely intelligent and still have a personality…”
(Then again, it might not make for good “office karma” should I ever need to go back.)
Oh, and don’t worry, Elizabeth, if I do get married in Vegas, you’re going to be there. I want you to be the MC. I figure with you making the speeches, CLT being “that guy” in the “Who invited that guy?” question, and Don grumbling because someone put him in the corner, it will take my mind off that whole “having to actually consummate the marriage” thing.
*tiptoeing quietly around gallery and speaking in a reverential voice* “ “Sleepy Hutterite Girl” has been created by a master. Such bold choices in color and design…incredible…and what a steady hand to create such a masterful LOL on the album…even the exclamation points have character and charm…and to think I could actually contact such an artistic master and tell her what I truly think! Amazing!”
Oh, thank-you Talon, I knew you would think that! (But only because I visually sculpted you thinking that earlier.)
Doesn’t it almost feel like the dots on the bottom of the exclamation marks are saying “Hey! I’m serious, folks, it’s time for everyone to LOL!!”
For some reason I can just never seem to convey that emotion as effectively with these silly keyboard exclamation marks.
Sad, really. (But in an inspiration-triggering way.)
I’m telling you, b, you’re just bursting with artistic brilliance!
I hope you have a super May 2-4! You deserve it!
You too, Talon! And I hope the weather is good to you…:)
Poor kid doesn’t speak English and was snookered into buying that tshirt.
He thought it Said Too Cool For School.
Ha! Or maybe he thought it said “My parents went to Vegas and all they got me was this dumb T-Shirt”
Or maybe he thought it said Reader’s Digest-Rejected Humor Submissions
Why would anyone want a shirt like that???
Nobody strives to be rejected, Bearman…it just happens.
Ah, the “LOL on a Moon Shadow”, decades ahead of it’s time, and even laptops, for that matter. The very beginning of the Cat’s Islamic beard (now down to his cajones) is pure something-something in Islamic, or is it laminate? “Leaping and LOLing on a Moony’s shadow . . .”
Hunting for lost faculties . . . hunting . . . hunting . . .
LOCK.
Okay then . . . the tiger. The BIG cat. Dental appointment or at least some whitening strips. Shees. If you’re going to effectively eat people . . .
That Hutterite girl can party, and probably on the run from her dysfunctional family in the photo bomb. Putting some serious distance between them, both mentally and physically. Glad she found a bench, but it’s quite obvious that – just before sweet oblivion – she fitted that young man for a very bold tee statement at school.
Survey says he won’t be writing THAT on the chalkboard a hundred times!
Bschooled, you are a true master (and I don’t mean that in an S&M way).
Hahaha! Dan, I don’t even know how to respond to this comment. And I mean that in a good way.
The truth is, I may be a master at sculpting (“I may” being the polite way of saying “I totally am”), but you, sir, are the master of taking these sculptures and turning them into a synopsis for a potential best-selling novel/blockbuster starring my vernacularly-gifted idol, Mr. Christopher Walken. For real!
Thanks, B! I’m flattered, humbled, and often confused. Kind words from a master sculptor!
I am definitely ordering a camel toe picture frame to put “Sleepy Hutterite Girl” in . I wish I was near so talented. I got kicked out of art school for snorting up paint in my nostril and sneezing it onto canvas!
I knew I could count on you, FL!!
It’s times like these when I knew what you really looked like. Although still LOL-worthy, the visual of a mosquito making “nose art” isn’t nearly as entertaining as I’m sure it would be were I to know the actual “Woman Behind The Buzz…”
(See how talented I am? I just sculpted you a slogan!)
Better than my slogan….. “what a prick!”…blahahaha!!!!
Bschooled-
I’m thrilled to see you branching out into a brave new artform, one awash in near-pastel colors and anorexic stick figures. I’d like to say I had a hand in this new direction, but I think we know that the Old Masters had more of an effect on your current portfolio than any amount of smoky rambling has ever had.
I do recall seeing that Photo Bomber back when I was stationed overseas. He was a holdover from WWII, a chap named Kilroy who always seemed to have been “here” at one point or another, but always one step ahead of our fighting men.
It cheered us to see a familiar face when advancing house by house through a city ablaze with, well, fire mostly but also intense combat. The cheery Kilroy let us know that our brothers in arms had been through already, with a break in fighting long enough to scrawl some hasty graffitti as a greeting for the reinforcements.
Of course, there were those who took it a step further, adding slogans and whatnot in an effort to put their own personal stamp on it. Some were labled with odd tags, like “GIANT” or “OBEY.” Still others bore some sort of illegible, angular scrawl that, as we would discover later under a hail of “friendly” fire, signified territorial boundaries that could only be crossed with the right hand signal or properly-colored bandanna.
We strove onward, advancing inch by inch, alternately cheered and terrified by the ubiquitous Kilroy. Each “Kilroy was here” had its own message, but which would it be? “This house is clear?” Or would it be, “Crips 4Ever?” Or would it mean something else? Something that looked deeper at face value, but further digging would find that it was just some strain of hipster artifice?
There, of course, were other, much more harrowing “Kilroy” appearances. Sgt. Holland once returned to find his radio and carton of cigarettes had been stolen, with the only clue being that “Kilroy was here.” PFC Gates came across three burning jeeps, all labelled by “Kilroy” and indicating that he had indeed been “here.” It also had an extraneous “whitey” added to the end, but Gates assumed the graffitti was just referring to CPL Whitey, who was tasked with keeping the vehicle fleet fueled, washed and presumably, unlit.
But the most soul-rending scenario involved SGT Peakes, who returned home from the war only to find “Kilroy Was Here” scrawled slightly north of his wife’s equator, if you follow my chaste metaphor. He was a wreck for weeks, drinking heavily and swearing revenge on “Kilroy,” whoever he might be. We tried to comfort him with promises to help, but we all knew that any one of us could have written that, given our easy access to both the proper writing implements and Peakes’ wife.
Thanks for taking the time to share your amazingingly lifelike photo alterations, bschooled. It almost makes me wish I’d gone to college rather than wasted my formative years being shot at and sleeping with/writing on SGT Peakes’ wife.
Sincerely,
C.L. Tanager
Clifton,
Although it’s true that the Old Masters influenced my work profusely, don’t sell your smoky rambling short. In fact, my last piece, the one I was forced to cut due to limited WordPress space (I’m down to my last 49 GBs), was an altered photo of an intoxicated forest-friendly mascot, aptly titled, “Smoky Rambling”.
Funny you should bring up the Kilroy connection, it was something I was subconsciously trying to bring to everyone’s consciousness, back when I hyperconsciously created that particular sculpture.
Unfortunately, after passing out while in a state of extreme consciousness, I wasn’t sure if I succeeded.
And, as for your chaste metaphors, you can rest assured I’m reading your telegram. Although I don’t believe one can actually “own” the equator (it belongs to all of us), Kilroy was known to frequent the Tropic of Cancer quite regularly, much to Miss Cancer’s chagrin.
Thank you for sharing yet another fascinating tale, Clifton. Which reminds me, I see you will soon be releasing a blog of your own. Needless to say, I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to it.
Your friend,
Bschooled.
The funny little stick figure peering over the fence at the Awkward Family photo…this is typical. That is one reason this family is so “out there.” The stick figures are always popping up, trying to be cheery, but they really scare the living daylights out of this family. Why, one of the uncles has had to have a lobotomy due to deep depression arising from lack of privacy while showering. The family hears tiny noises all around the house but can never catch these white outlined creeps. The photo is deceiving. The Awkward Family is actually a very nice family; it’s the happy little stick figures that are the bad guys, winding the Awkward Family up, far past what they can handle. They used to be a quiet family who loved nothing more than to sit around after dinner with a good book or some knitting or to play cards or a board game. Now they have to use the buddy system in the house even while going to the bathroom! They’re lucky they can stand at all from all they’ve been through. Now you see their plight and why they’re emotionally crippled. Damn those stick figures! If anyone knows how to exterminate stick figures, please let us know. Thank you.
that stick figure looks a lot like one of my escaped patients
WTF? Why would any of your patients want to escape, NM?
Do they not see you every Friday?
Haha! Sorry TSIB, I know I shouldn’t laugh, but…well, I can’t help it. It’s just one of those things I do when I hear disheartening stories like this.
I actually went to see the Doctor about it, but he said there was nothing he could do to fix my problem. Apparently it’s all about learning how to be more “sympathetic to the plight of others”. I mean really, how does he think I can do that without the help of prescription medicine?
Anyway, I’m off to get a second opinion on my third opinion, but I just wanted to thank-you for sharing this story, TSIB. I’m sure there are many other awkward families out there who’ll take comfort in knowing that they aren’t alone… (I mean alone besides the stick figures, that is.)
I just don’t think that I could beat your passionate expression off with a stick B, because I wouldn’t want to. I especially love your masterful and exquisite use of spontaneous (if not gratuitous) cutting and pasting. Your detail work with a sewing machine, scissors, paint, and control c & v remind me of that time the epileptic meth addict got sent packing from Project Runway. But in a good way!
Until this powerfully written prose I was unfortunately not even aware that sculptor’s block was even a ‘thing.’ I thank you for raising awareness. Maybe now society in general and our fellow bloggers in particular will chip in to buy you one of those spinning, clay shaping things that Demi Moore was sitting in front of while kind of getting it from behind (not sure, they only hinted) (….or am I like, remembering things way, way wrong…?) in Ghost. Then at least your block will be spherical! Hopefully not too phallic though.
Jesus, I’m almost out of virtual ink and haven’t even hit on your work yet (not that I’d want to have sex with a sculpture…or anything…seriously) so I’ll be ‘retarded child’s book’ brief with these…
#1 A Pussy Pouts
#2 Retarded killer
#3 The Morning After Three Strange Days…?
#4 The Dahmer Family Reflects
#5 Engrish IS FUN!
I’m even more enlightened now than I was before! You are the champion of the Sculpturing Yogis!!
Thank-you, Scott. Not only for not being able to beat my goods off with a stick (I call my passionate expression “goods”), but for teaching me that stories involving meth addiction and eplilepsy can be told in a good way!
Yes, unfortunately sculptor’s block is a ‘thing’. And a thing I wouldn’t wish on my most creative-juice flowing enemy. Except maybe Michelangelo (but only because he’s been dead for a really long time and he probably won’t even feel it.)
As for hitting my work…well, let’s just say you nailed it. Especially number four, seeing as that was actually my alternate title for the piece. I opted not to use it, however, only because I didn’t want people thinking the family was “creepy”.
Fantastic job as always, Scott. If “Brilliant Post Analyzer” was a job, it’s safe to say that you’d be the CEO. (Oh, and FYI, if that does happen I’ll be asking to borrow some money.)
Bschooled – i was so impressed with your work here that I showed it to an art agent friend of mine, and they said, and I quote:
“It is clear from these works that the artist is working in the post technological wave period. Indecisive (MS) paint strokes reveal the artists inner desire to express abandon, spontaneously. The cut and paste collage pays homage to the greats that have come before her with reverence and cutting edge creativity typical in the post technological wave period. One only has to look at the power invoked via such minimalist sculpture creations to know that this is one artist you definitely want to keep your eye on in 2010.”
And all I can say is, wow! I think you really impressed her!
RTS,
I was so impressed (though not surprised) with what your art agent friend said, that I copied and pasted it in my “brilliant reviews” folder. I then added a few strategically-placed MS paint happy faces, some arrows pointing to the name “Art agent friend of Ruby Two Shoes”…and voila! I found myself looking at another sculpture, this one even more impressive and vainglorious than my others!
(YeFYI- “vainglorious” is a new word I’m testing out…if it works, I may do a sculpture on it.)
Thank you for passing this on, RTS. Thanks to you, other people can see I’m not just “making my talent up”.
i think… i think i just had a creativity laxative while watching your work, because im about to eject creative juices all over the office.
I am humbled.
-Rick
Rick!
I was so happy to see you that I almost didn’t vomit a little after reading your comment!
Almost.
Thanks for being humbled, Rick. When my work turns someone meek and unassuming, I feel as though I’ve done my job. (Although getting money for my stuff would make me feel like I’ve done my job even more…)
But making money from it would be selling out to “the man”. And being that im the man, id be wanting more than art for money. IFYOUGETWHATIMEAN. SEEWHATIDIDTHAR?
i just like typing in caps and without spaces. Makes me feel like im writing art much like you with MS Paint. I should make some art in the same manner on my blog as an homage to you.
But that would be doing something.
Love your work and your mother.
-Rick
Wow, Rick. I am truly without speech. (Thank God my typing fingers still work relatively well!)
I like the way your sculptures seem to curve in all the right places. Really, if it weren’t for the fact they seem a little angry (or maybe just a little uptight?), I’d definitely steal the idea from you and make it my own.
Oh, and it goes without saying that we love you too, Rick. (It’s supposed to be a surprise, but my Mom is even planning a visit!)
Patiently awaiting the homage,
Bschooled
i love cat stevens (yusuf islam)!! i always thought he was so fine… i love what you did to the drunk girl on the picnic table. bet she’s livin’ to regret that party.
Ha! Although I can see why you might think that, Lynn, she’s actually not drunk.
She just suffers from a severe case of narcolepsy…
;)
Awkward family photo bomb? That is too amazing for words. It’s like chocolate and peanut butter, Sunny and Cher, fork and knife, pen and paper, elderly black woman and a guy named Todd.
Perfection.
I know, right???
The whole time I was creating, I thought “As if this isn’t totally like that Todd guy and the elderly black woman…”
Seriously, Will, sometimes our “in sync-ness” boggles my mind so much that I have to go take a nap! And I just woke up ten minutes earlier!!
Really, it scares me.
But only because I don’t want people thinking I’m lazy.
Hola….long time no been here! how i survived, i have no idea…it must have been those Golden Girl reruns and Dancing with the Stars. I have truly missed you though, Ying. I just don’t feel complete without you. Now, onto your passionate expressions….
I believe you totally captured that families hidden secrets in that creation. They obviously have many (many) ghosts in their closets. I consider this one your best in this series…Bravo!
I always suspected Cat Stevens to have a humorous side, but it took you to pull it out and show the world. Very nice.
I’m not sure how to express my thoughts about Lion, except “brilliant”!
Sleepy Hutterite Girl is obviously the piece where your true artistic talents are showcased. Not many, even including the great masters, could combine those particular colors and shapes to create such motion and inner emotions to make one wonder WTF??
And finally, your last “Drunk” piece….those Asians are such a hoot, and you my dear friend, are as well!
Yang!
It’s good to see you! I’ve missed you as well (especially your bang-on assessments of my work), but after visiting your amazing blog, I can see that you’ve been busy.
I knew that you of all people would be able to see the artistic brilliance of these sculptures. In fact, I hope you don’t mind, but I’m planning to cut and paste your glowing review, MS Paint a few strategically-placed arrows and stars around it, and then send it to my Mother.
Once she reads this, she’ll see that dropping out of University one semester before graduation was definitely the right thing to do!
family’s not families…..good grief.
Have you noticed that ‘ado’ is never used without ‘further’ in front of it? Nobody ever has much to say about the original ado.
The man in the rose bush (Trevor, as I recall) is so toxically flatulent that he is prone to hiding in the shrubbery wherever he goes. His sister Bella, beside him, apparently drew the short straw for this photo op. Uncles Ewen and Philip are simply awaiting a rapid death as a favourable alternative to continuing to breathe Trevor’s emitted air, and Dodie the gardener just wishes she could get back to her pruning.
Hey Coopergreen!
I admit I never thought much about the whole “ado” mystery before (I was always so preoccupied with the question “Are malaproprisms really all that bad?”), but now that you brought it up, I can imagine many sleepless nights ahead. (It’s what I do.)
Thank-you for the background on Trevor and his family, it all makes sense now. I think more than anything I feel sorry for those shrubs. I mean, it’s one thing for someone not to be environmentally-friendly, but quite another for them to be environmentally-sadistic.
(?)
Thanks for the insightful and entertaining comment, coopergreen. I hope to see you again.
bschooled:)
It will be my pleasure. Please drop by my place as well.