EXTRAVAGANZA!-less
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, the EXTRAVAGANZA! that you’ve no doubt been holding your breath for (because I told you to) has been canceled.
Now without getting into specifics, I will give you an excruciatingly detailed minute by minute account of exactly what transpired. Yesterday, while rehearsing the floor routine for the EXTRAVAGANZA!’s grand finale, the recreational acrobatic team (consisting of Auntie D, Iron Chef guy and Tori Spelling and myself), had an unfortunate accident.
Though I’m not sure exactly when it happened, at some point between the “Synchronized tucked front salto double pike back with leg at horizontal turn” and the “Running start punch-front flying lariat mandible claw regressing into a not to sound stereotypical Polish hammer Indian deathlock and ending in a jazz hands-less quadruple ‘TMI’ pose,” Auntie D lost her footing and fell.
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Taken pre-accident- (Top to Bottom)- Auntie D, Iron Chef guy, Me and Tori Spelling
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We took her to the Emergency Room, where the Doctor–a strikingly handsome if somewhat “intolerant of the elderly” man who looked to be in his early thirties–told her it was probably just a groin muscle strain or maybe a broken pelvis that will eventually cause severe bleeding and internal organ damage. Without taking a bunch of time-consuming X-rays, he really couldn’t say for sure.
But just to be on the safe side, he wrote her a prescription for Nembutal and strongly recommended that she get her affairs in order.
Anyway, please accept my apologies for the heart-wrenching disappointment this has obviously caused. To make it up to you, I’m offering this new kickass blog banner (see above) that I designed specifically to make it up to you but also because I think you’ll agree that it really takes my ‘blog cred’ to a whole other level.
And, as if if that isn’t enough(!), because I happen to be generous to the point of sacrificing my precious free time for those of you visiting my blog with the kickass new banner I designed especially for you and also for other, more selfish reasons, I made you a present.
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It’s a friendship bracelet. In case you were wondering.
Wonderful site and theme, would really like to see a bit more content though!
Great post all around, added your XML feed! Love this theme, too!
A great bit of vague BS from the Spam Ladder. The only spam I get is from yxyskdnb.com and they only say, “I’ve always wondered about this, added your XML feed.”
I have been collecting my favorite spam posts and will be doing an entire post soon.
Speaking of soon. I have my first Rejected Readers Digest Cartoon ready to go. Either this week or next.
No way, Bearman. Are you kidding??
OMG This is gonna be awesome!!!
I want to order 100 of them…I know these puppies are going to make great stocking stuffers!
Seriously, if I had a nickel for every spammer who added my XML feed, I’d be able to afford medication to get rid of the pesky thing!
(…?)
I had been racking my brains trying to come up with something for the Extravaganza, in particular something to add to your little side gig about the things inanimate objects say, but all I could come up with was my heater constantly boasting about being “hot stuff”, and it just wouldn’t do….So I am sad to come so late to the Extravaganza party that I missed it not even happening.
I wonder if I could offer to step in a salvage your Grand Finale? Because before The Boy came along and destroyed my pelvic floor and reversed the roll of my stomach muscles from that of holding my belly in, to that of letting it all sag out, i used to fancy myself as quite the little trapese artist, and feel sure that my No Hands Single Toe Hang Flip to Chin Hold would really wow the crowd – so long as no one is seated below my failing pelvic floor region and in the direct line of flight for my encore “Golden Shower” move….
Haha! Your heater sounds hilarious, Ruby! So hilarious, in fact, I might have to steal a generic version of him and quote his hilarity on a future cartoon.
(It’s what I do.)
Believe it or not, I was actually going to ask you to be the grand finale understudy. But then I remembered that I wanted you to do an interpretive dance instead. Just before the first intermission.
I was thinking some sort of Pirate/Pack of Five/Creepy roomate montage, performed to a classic John Mellencamp song. And you can even incorporate your Hands Single Toe Hang Flip to Chin Hold, because…well, really, who the hell understands interpretive dance anyway?
Anyway, all that I ask is that you seriously consider it, Ruby. Regardless of the fact that the show has been called off with no chance whatsoever of it being called back on, I really think you’d give an amazing performance.
Bschooled,
I LOVED the non-Extravanza! and LOL’d loudly when I saw the order in which they (plus equine doppelganger) were placed.
The old woman was on top where she couldn’t balance.
Then the heavy iron chef (hopefully without wok) guy was on top of little you and the even littler Tori, who, thankfully, had her horse there to take up the slack. I just hope the horse didn’t buck or decide to run off with Auntie D trying to hold on for dear life! It’s really an act fit for Barnum & Bailey, bschooled!! Let us know if everyone got down safe and sound or arrived five miles away in Tori’s favorite pasture!
P.S. Really impressed at all of those moves … wow!
Thanks, TSIB!
Now that you mention it, maybe it would’ve been better had I put Auntie D on the bottom instead. Especially when you consider the fact that Tori looks so thin lately. I mean, she’s pretty much just mane and hooves!
I will keep definitely keep you updated. While things will never be the same without Auntie D, maybe now we can follow up on Iron Chef guy’s idea to start a Three Man Ginsu-Knife Swallowing act.
Terribly disappointed, of course. But I’m a little surprised that it was Auntie D who was injured, apparently as a result of the Synchronized tucked front salto double pike back with leg at horizontal turn (which, as we all know is highly knee-reliant) and not Tori, whose knees bend the other way.
Excellent banner, by the way. And thanks for the bracelet, which I will treasure digitally.
Sorry, Cooper.
I knew that out of all people, you would probably take it hardest. Really, it’s always the kids who suffer most.
(But only because I plan it that way.)
Sadly, Tori’s knees have started bending both ways. Which means it’s only a matter of time before she’s spread over a piece of construction paper, covered in glitter and other scrapbook-related bling.
You’re welcome for the bracelet, Cooper. Just wait until your birthday, when I make you the matching crocheted beer can hat!
Will that bracelet also work as a c**k ring?
…Cook ring? Cork ring?
I’m not sure what any of those are, NM (only because my mom keeps looking over my shoulder while I type), so let’s just say “Yes! Yes, it will!”
You better not be waffling B…I’m watching you.
HA!
No waffles here, FJ…Canadian pinky swear.
Oh, bschooled, this was a particularly nostalgic post, and reminiscent of many lovely memories of groin muscle strains in my younger ‘more active’ years. Surely the Iron Chef can whip up a warm poultice for Auntie D, preferably one that has been impregnated with the horse liniment DMSO (which Tori has tucked away in her beach tote). I have to say that it was a little disconcerting to see photos of loved ones superimposed on neatly stacked crotches…crotches attired in footless python pantyhose. It brought to mind Einstein’s quote of “spooky action at a distance” when describing quantum entanglement. I suppose they can be both heads and crotches until we measure one or the other. Heads next to crotches…entanglement…not sure where this is leading…oh, lord. Forget I ever made this comment. As a matter of fact, delete it. Promptly. Before I embarrass myself. Further.
P.S. You have skin like a young Diane Sawyer!
Elizabeth,
Only you could write a paragraph incorporating terms like “poultice”, “DMSO” (Dimethyl sulfoxide for those who don’t understand organosulfur compounds though why anyone wouldn’t is beyond me), “stacked crotches” and ending in a flawless Einstein quote, and turn it into a comedic masterpiece.
Really, I’m not kidding. I don’t know one other person who can actually do what you do. I’m just glad you use your gift for good, not evil. (…?)
(Er, speaking of forgetting I ever made this comment…)
ps. I’m pretty sure that’s just the lighting. Normally my skin looks like this: http://www.lebasketbawl.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/Powder-4.28a.jpg
But this still feels extravaganzy to me. What with the bright banner colors and decorative friendship bracelet and all. Wait, maybe I don’t know what extravaganza actually means. You should really consider yourself lucky that nothing went wrong during the synchronized tucked front salto double pike back with leg at horizontal turn move. I knew a girl who was best friends with this girl that dated a guy whose second cousin got sand in her vagina and then had to have it amputated as a direct result of that legendary move. So if you try it again please be careful. And cover your vaginas up really well. And don’t practice at the beach.
As much as I idol worship your The Producers-like all star cast (the ones you can see between vaginas) I truly bow before your new banner. It reminds me a lot of my kidnapping/serial killer/taunting police with cool looking notes made up of cut out letters phase I went through a few years ago. I even killed a goat and three doves to prove it. Also a cheerleader. But keep that last part on the down low.
I accept your friendship bracelet with an open …um wrist. Wait till you see what I’m making for you!
P.S. Please forget I mentioned a decapitated cheerleader.
Huh? Wha..? What cheerleader decapitation?
FYI, Scott, when I say it like that it doesn’t mean that I forgot already, it only means that your secret is totally safe with me. (It’s a trick I learned it at camp.)
Funny you should mention that story, I actually knew a girl who was sisters with this girl who was sisters with a girl who dated a guy who somehow got sand in her vagina so then she had to have it amputated. And she wasn’t even at the beach!
But yeah. Just so you know, that’s the last thing you need to worry about when it comes to me (anymore).
I seriously can’t wait to see what you made me, Scott!
(Just to save you some potential embarrassment, I wanted to warn you though…I’m deathly allergic to goat dove soup. Especially the ‘overly peppy’ kind.)
For moi? Thank you, b! It would make a great collar for Stripey (if I could ever manage to get it on his neck) and maybe he would become one with the birds, the squirrels, the chipmunks, the bunnies, the other cats in the neighborhood, the mice … who am I kidding? He’s a killing machine who would LOVE to visit the handsome-not-fond-of-the-elderly doctor who, if Auntie D suffers a demise will suffer a Stripey visit!! Mind you, if she leaves the book mobile to me in her will, I might point Stripey in a different direction…
Haha! While the bracelet is adjustable, Talon (yet another one of the countless tricks I learned at “Friendship Bracelet Camp”), I don’t suggest you put it around Stripey’s neck.
Trust me, I found out the hard way that cats aren’t big fans of lifelong friendship pacts in the form of bracelets that were made with love and brightly colored yarn and then gently tied and don’t forget double knotted around their once unconstrained and burdenless necks.
omg omg, you mean ~i get a gift just for coming today? yeah no kiddin’ it’s a kick ass banner… i love it! i’ll just take the bracelet since i’m here. Bea, you are the best blog friend ever!! ♥
Thanks Lynn!
ps. That bracelet looks really good on your blog, btw. (I totally knew it would.:))
Oh, if only a day would go by without someone telling me to take some Nembutal and get my affairs in order. I feel your pain, Auntie D! (Not literally, of course, as my pelvis is still in good shape, but in the larger, grandiose sense, which actually means “I don’t feel a thing.”)
It’s always something with those harried doctors at the ER. They always want me to mix something with something and get the hell out as they have actual patients to care for. First, it’s “mix some anti-depressants with some alcohol,” to which I replied, “I’ll mix my foot with your ass!”
It didn’t come out sounding as threatening as I thought it would and most of the room was reduced to tears of laughter. (Or gas pain. You can never tell. Every time an infant smiles, someone will tell you it’s gas. I think that continues to hold true later in life.)
So they suggested I instead mix “an instant ejection with a restraining order,” and I countered with offering to mix “a can of whoop-ass with equal parts water.” Again, nothing but laughter and the rough, guiding hand of the security team, who dumped me in the parking lot, suggesting I mix “shutting the fuck up” with “getting the fuck out.”
I’m truly saddened there will be no EXTRAVAGANZA, especially since those keys on my keyboard are now reading in the permanent ALLCAPS position. You may wonder why they’re not capitalized in other words. That’s because it’s some sort of macro or something that’s only triggered when I type the letters in order. (For example: “I once knew a delicate flower of a slip of a woman of a maneating streetwalker who charged double because she had an EXTRAVAgina.” See?)
I think the key issue here was frail Auntie D’s placement on the top of the man-u-mid, thus increasing her chance of injury by 40%. 40! Can you live with those odds? I can’t. I’m not allowed. I’ve had all my personal injury waivers and release forms destroyed, thanks to a lighter fluid calculation error when “getting my affairs in order,” which I took to mean “burn everything incriminating.”
That included the cease-and-desist orders and the restraining orders, I’m afraid. The city will have to do more than that to keep me from the ER. I’m not sure how much longer I have to live, though, so the acts of desperation are more hurried than usual, causing a great many on non-incriminating objects to be burned. Like my wristwatch. And my cat.
I asked for a little more guidance from my favorite crumpled-paper magic 8-ball, but all it told me was “Nembutal” and “matches,” leading me to believe that I’ve long since burned the 8-ball and am now casting my fate with a recent shopping list.
Either way, I am looking forward to next week’s excuse as to the lack of EXTRAVAGANZAS or VAginas.
CLT,
While I’m not a big fan of the International Ass/Foot cocktail you mention (too “assy” or something), I understand where you’re coming from. Which is America.
Or, more specifically, an area of America where they prescribe Nembutal and have an unhealthy fascination with superfluous lady parts. I’m guessing somewhere in Ocheekobee county. (But only because I like how the name sounds rolling off my keyboard.)
Regardless, I apologize for the lack of EXTRAVAGANZA!-like proportions (and even more for spending the last hour wondering if there were any other words in the English language that could easily be made to sound like terms used to describe “superfluous baggage of the nether regions”). The thought of you having to live with only 4:10 odds (especially when you consider the fact that both are even numbers) is heart-breaking.
Thank-you for the “additional vagina worthy” (?) comment, CLT. Oh, and don’t worry about a thing because I’m sending you a new magic 8-ball right away.
Trust me when I say that this one will be telling you things like “not Nembutal” and “not matches.”
(I should know, because I made it that way.)
I don’t know who can top who anymore in the comment arena: CLT Sr or CLT Jr. I’m calling it a draw.
OK, I have tried and tried and tried but I give up. How do you put the friggin bracelet on Bschooled? It doesn’t friggin fit
Oh, I guess I didn’t take insects into account.
Here, try this one: http://www.6buckswebsite.com/Images/finger-string.jpg
(Just tie it around a couple times…)
Damn . . . I’m so late to this party! And to see my favorite Horsey holding up the squad with her strong back and firm fetlocks (standby for Googling “fetlock” to make sure I’m in the ball park). Why the long face, Tori? “Cuz Auntie D is DOWN!”
Good-luck through these trying times, B. My (scattered and random) thoughts are with you!