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While Auntie D and her Bookmobile may no loner be around (she moved to Jamaica and the mobile was totaled in a freak Hedonism accident), her passion for reading lives on. So, after sending me $500 and her extensive collection of literal anomalies, I’ve agreed to keep her dream alive by investing in my very own “Wheel O’ Words.”
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"Come For The Books, Stay For The Candy!"
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Sure, it may not be as fancy as Auntie D’s, but when you factor in taxes and insurance, $500 doesn’t get you much these days.
And besides, it’s what’s on the inside of the van that counts.
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Alright then, let’s get started, shall we??.
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When it comes to gynecology, Marvin and Mary Sue Jaffee know a thing or two about “down south” hospitality. In their first ever collaboration, this Doctor and Patient-turned-married-couple reveal how their simple and unpretentious way of life has helped them put the “special” back in “Vagina Specialist.”
Here’s what Dr. Jaffre had to say:
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“Where I live there are no strange vaginas. There are vaginas I know, vaginas I know of, some I don’t know yet, but that doesn’t mean they’re strangers. When we do meet, I’ll still act like I’ve known them my whole life. It’s what true ‘down south’ hospitality is all about. Instead of having a stuffy office, I bring my patients to the house, to keep the environment relaxed. I also make a point of treat every ladies’ vagina as if it belonged to my wife, giving it a non-verbal greeting that says “Hey, how y’all doin’? I haven’t seen you for a while, anything exciting going on in these here parts?” And while I’m busy doing that, my wife is downstairs making a home-cooked meal for the three of us to enjoy later on.
“Because when all is said and done….well, by then I’m usually famished.”
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He’s done it again! A follow-up to Bestsellers “The Housewife With The Penis” and “The Construction Guy With The Enormous Rack,” Taylor tells the erotic and hilarious story of Tom Selleck, the folicly-abundant lesbian who just can’t seem to keep her hands to herself.
While I don’t want to give anything away, I will say that not only is it an entertaining read, it will change how you feel about gender stereotypes. (Or maybe it won’t. I guess it just depends on what your current feelings are.)
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Without a doubt, Rodney Rice’s “101 Weapons For Women” is one of my favorite books of all time. And I’m not just saying that because I helped write it.
With all the ridiculous gun laws currently in effect, now it’s more important than ever that women can turn their otherwise harmless feminine products into potentially lethal weapons.
In addition to the “Brazier Bulldog” (as shown above), this guide will teach you how to master the following eight self-defense techniques:
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Trust me ladies, this book could very well save your life.
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Before reading “Natural Bust Enlargement With Total Mind Power,” I suffered from a rare yet aesthetically-unpleasing illness called “Concave Chest” syndrome.
It was devastating. In high school I was known as “The Girl With the Barren Thorax,” and had I not been home-schooled at the time, I’m sure the taunting would have been even worse.
However, after following the advice this easy-to-read manual, not only did I go from a “Double A” to a “Double Yay!”, I still have 10% of my mind power left to focus on more important things. Like breathing. And not drooling on the dinner table.
This guide helped build both my chest and my self-esteem. Now, when my Dad introduces me as “My daughter with the flat chest,” I can laugh along with the rest of his work buddies, knowing that deep down he’s really just being sarcastic. Or ironic, maybe. (To tell you the truth, I don’t really understand the difference.)
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I haven’t actually read this book myself, so I asked my friend who hasn’t read it either but has a real good sense about these things to explain the storyline:
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“Sally can’t see. And she’s got a bird on her head.”
-My friend, interim reviewer
I think there’s a little bit of Sally in all of us. Don’t you agree?
*Thank-you for taking the time to check out my wares. And if you’re interested in purchasing any of the above treasures (except for the bust enlargement one as I’m still in the maintenance phase), please email bschooled@hotmail.com for a quote.
OMG, how on earth did you come up with that post? Way too brilliant.
Holy heck went to Amazon and most of those are real books. Dang!
I know!
That’s the best part about it, Lisa. Really, I don’t have to come up with anything, I just have to copy and paste what somebody else has already come up with.
I guess you could say I have a gift.
Bschooled, since you follow my Twitter, you know I have a completely psychotic (but phenomenally wealthy…head injury settlement?), self-flagellating and fascinating neighbor. He walks in circles while waiting for the elevator intermittently singing upbeat tunes and muttering “goddamn it!” followed by very deep sighing and hair flipping. Since there are only two units per elevator, I spend a lot of time peering out the peephole so I can know what is going on and ascertain if he is off his meds (which of late he is). When I saw your photos, I just KNEW I had to incorporate some of those moves while I’m waiting for the elevator. I figure since he is off his meds and probably paranoid, he is probably peering as much out of his peephole as I am peering out of mine. Who knows, perhaps we both peer simultaneously while waiting for one or the other to get off the elevator (we keep remarkably similar hours, which is to say, neither of us keep any kind of schedule at all). Since I take my garbage out to the trash chute in the middle of the night and have to pass his unit, I have taken to wearing ‘psycho garb’ so as to deter him from approaching me. I’m camera shy so I have taken the liberty of reconstructing my head gear using a Styrofoam head. You can view the pic here:
http://twitpic.com/2kbrc4
I think that combined with some of your staccato tampon tornado air punches strategically aimed toward his peephole will surely do the trick. I’m off to practice some moves…
HA! I love it!
Though the grey mask does seem a little “last year”, don’t you think? then again, maybe it’s just me. Tori Spelling’s latest mesh design has pretty much spoiled me for anything else. -http://www.countrysupplies.com/pix/1/products/3929-m.jpg
Of course I remember your neighbor. He’s the reason why I want to become a US citizen. It’s one thing to see crazy on shows like The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but quite another to have access to it live, 24/7, without those exorbitant cable fees.
Anyway, you’ll be happy to know that I’ve got a weapons book with here with your name all over it. And I even made you a special tornado puncher (it’s pH friendliness is what makes it so special).
Be careful though. While they may work the same as brass knuckles, you must care for them differently. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t get them wet. (Only because you could end up pulling the muscles around your metacarpophalangeal joints.)
Haha, bschooled!! You are so right about that antiquated R95 respirator! I actually upgraded last year to the white ones with built-in exhalation valves which are WAY cooler and only slightly less scary than the gray ones:
http://tinyurl.com/2basak5
I think between you and me, I should be able to keep him at bay, or if we meet again (inevitable) we will have lots to laugh about (that is, if he is not carrying a knife).
P.S. Truly, one of your finest posts. Looking forward to more of your entertaining photos!! Probably the most spontaneous and diaphragmatic laugh I have had in a long time.
HAHAHA!
Funniest.shit.ever.
I’m already thinking of ways we can collaborate on a second book, titled “3 Defensive Masks For Women.”
The possibilities are endless! (And by “endless”, I mean “three”.)
I love you. Please run away with me somewhere and bring all of your books. We will be like a lower key and more eccentric Bonnie and Clyde.
Um, okay. But can we take my van?
(Only because I bought some kickass new mudflaps- http://farm1.static.flickr.com/51/119371646_2f65cc6335.jpg?v=0 )
I tried the “mind power” thing, but it was my nose that grew.
Don’t worry, that happened to my friend, too.
Next time just tell your mind that it needs to grow “lower”.
That new self-defense book tears the shit out of my old one, “100 Weapons for Women.” I’m sure the addition of whatever improvised “hairclip and elbow” weapon has been added will make all the difference, turning my evening stroll to my parked vehicle into one of leisure, rather than one of wild-eyed screaming and desperate grabs for the car keys.
I realize that I’m not female and that this book is intended for the fairer sex, but as a fan of accessory-turned-deadly-weapon improvisation, I have purchased the previous 99 volumes of this series, starting with “Screaming: The Weapon for Women.”
(Number 100 is on loan from the local library, who have been hounding me for the last 81 days to return the book as there is a long line of terrified, defenseless women in half-torn shirts in desperate need of instruction.)
Great selection as always, bschooled and I’m huge fan of badly doctored photos, so this addition puts the book ahead of “I’m Your Huckleberry: Defending Your Honor the ‘Old West’ Way” on my “must-buy” list.
(BTW, spurs are pretty kickass. Just get some. You’ll see what I mean.)
CLT! It’s great to see you, you’re looking as formal and well-fed as ever!
It’s funny you should mention the book “Screaming: The Weapon For Women.” Or, at least I thought it was funny. (Women without voice boxes might not feel the same way.)
As for the spurs, I plan to buy a pair this weekend. I just need to find some that won’t cover the label on my UGG boots. (Because really, if you can’t see the label, then what’s the point?)
Lovely to see you, CLT. Blog-land always seems just a little classier (and symphonic) when you’re around.
That whole mind power thing doesn’t work. I have been staring at women’s boobs for years using my mind to make them grow before my eyes and bust open their blouse. It doesn’t work.
Should the men in your life be concerned that you keep a fresh box of Monistat on hand?
I can’t see why they would be, especially considering they’re the reason I have it in the first place…
(?)
Bschooled,
I’m just thrilled that you helped co-author this womens’ self-defense book, just so that we could finally re-purpose all of those diaphrams from back in the day, the ones that were beginning to biodegrade in all of the landfills and stinking up the place. Now we can wash them off and put them to use once again. And the best part is that we don’t even have to squirt them with that syringe full of nasty sperm killer before we kick someone’s ass!
Hallelujah!
Thanks again for saving the day, b! ;-)
No need to thank me, TSIB. Finding ways to recycle old diaphragms is what I’m here for, it’s all I know.
Though I have to admit I didn’t know anything about squirting them with a syringe full of sperm killer?
Perhaps those diaphragms I tried to return for being defective weren’t so defective after all….
Just wanted to let you know I’m hard at work on a new novel, a hilarious and erotic tale entitled, “The Hilarious Hijinks of Mustachioed Horatio and His Scantily Clad Sidekick Sheila”. Or something close to that.
Perhaps I’ll submit it for the bookmobile when it’s finished?
Sounds hilarious!! Not to mention erotic.
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Mustachioed Horatio- “Looks like the wave isn’t the only thing about to hit Miami”
Scantily Clad Sidekick Sheila- “Huh?”
Mustachioed Horatio- “MALA NOCHA JUSTICE…..MEET MIAMI JUSTICE”
Scantily Clad Sidekick Sheila- “What does that even mean?”
Mustachioed Horatio- “You know what they say, you lie with the devil… you wake up in hell”
Scantily Clad Sidekick Sheila- “You’re creeping me out.”
Mustachioed Horatio- “If any thing happens to my CSI this will be your last week on earth.”
I mourn the loss of the bookmobile, but the van isn’t too shabby. Okay, it is really really shabby and sort of creeps me out, but that’s okay. As you say, it’s all about the books.
Auntie D would be thrilled with your selections, b! I mean, seriously, not only will I now be able to have a chest that will force me to have to change my entire wardrobe and my centre of balance, I’ll be able to protect myself from attacks caused (most likely) by the newly enhanced chest. Mind you, that’s only if I can retain the necessary information after taxing my brain to such levels so I could perform such amazing feats of bravery armed only with a pony-tail holder. I’m thinking my red stilettos would do some damage in the front slam position. Hmmm…or maybe I’d better be careful because I might topple over with the new boobs…maybe I’ll just carry my stiletto in my hand and hope for the best.
And why doesn’t someone tell Sally she has a bird on her head? That’s just cruel!
Thanks, T.
The only thing I want is for Auntie D to be happy. And the only other thing I want is for people to buy these books at a 150% mark-up. Anything else is just extra padding on my rack.
(At least that’s what it says on my business cards.)
I always knew Tom Selleck was a lesbian!!! The mustache was always a dead giveaway.
And let’s not forget those feminine-looking mutton chops…
Yes and those child bearing thighs!!!
I rarely get attacked by women wielding feminine hygiene products (Nair doesn’t count), but I can imagine how unnerving it must be for yer standard pervert mentalist to go grabbing some breast that he’s just enlarged, only to find that he’s mano a mano with an intimate item that doesn’t cast a shadow. While he’s muttering “What the …” , you’re whappin’ him with some underutilized pucker cream or some such that the sunlight goes right through. Very unnerving. If I’m going to be enlarging breasts, I think I’ll do it from the car.
I, too, can only imagine.
I guess the only difference would be that I’m imagining just what exactly pucker cream is.
ps. Just make sure you aren’t enlarging your breasts while you drive. It’s almost as dangerous as texting.
Damn it, woman. Now every time one of us mens’ opens our mouth, we’re libel to get a intrauterine thingy shoved down our throats. Great mind; great post!
Ha! Don’t worry, Jammer. Judging from the size of those IUDs, you probably wouldn’t even feel it going down…
Those subsidiary air hostesses have crazy eyes!
I think it has something to do with the altitude…or maybe they’re just intoxicated by the mustache.
The van:
Wow no kid of mine will get close to that.
OB-GYN Doctor & Patient GET MARRIED :
I guess he liked what he saw.
Stewardess:
I’ve seen a lot of them with mustaches and wearing dresses.
101:
Don’t forget you can turn your monthly HIV card into a deadly throwing star
Mind Power:
Can men use it too?
Sally:
The bird tells her the way to get to the bathroom to wash her hair mostly.
Haha!
Well, to answer your question (re: mind power), I can’t see why a man couldn’t use it. I just don’t understand why he’d want to, seeing as most of the women I know aren’t really attracted that sort of thing. (At least not the heterosexual ones.)
But to each his own, I guess.
Good call on the last one, Ellis. It didn’t even cross my mind that it might actually be a “seeing-eye bird”.
Wasn’t there a seeing-eye bird on Dumb and Dumber? Wonder if you can take those into restaurants? ;-)
Ha! That would seriously be my worst nightmare.
(I was once attacked by a flock of seagulls, and haven’t been the same since.)
Then I suppose you didn’t like that band in the 80′s (ha ha) nor their haircuts! ;-)
Ha! To tell you the truth, I didn’t know there was a band called Flock of Seagulls. But after Googling them (and seeing that hair), I have no idea how I could have missed them.
It was probably back when I was in that Debbie Gibson cult.
I saw a van like that in my neighborhood. All the kids were pointing at it saying “Stranger!” but I said, “Hey, look! Free candy!”
Love the Tampon Tornado Punch!
You did the right thing, thoughtsappear. If people were just more trusting of vans bearing candy, this world would be a much sweeter place.
Bschool
Sad to see that Auntie has moved on..all good things end i suppose……good to see you have kept up here risque collection…..love the new mobile…i can get some gum and find out about vagina…what a great country…..ahh gotta go thought i saw auntie on the tv with usain bolt….zman sends
Z! Auntie D wanted me to tell you she’s sorry for not saying good-bye. She wanted to do it in person, but she ended up getting into a little trouble with the law and had to leave sooner than anticipated. But she said that as soon as her name is cleared, yours will be the first neighborhood she loiters in.
ps. In case you don’t recognize her, she’ll be the one holding a vagina book.
The world of Marvin and Mary Sue sounds so idyllic I find it hard to believe it is not a work of fairy-tale fiction – with Marvin and Mary Sue there is no vagina stranger danger, all vaginas are spoken to (in a non verbal way) with over-familiar friendliness, and no vagina is ever excluded at the dinner table, it just sounds like some kind of Down South heaven….
I agree, RTS. If it really is non-fiction, well then I know where I’m going on my next holiday.
Those southerners really seem to understand how a vagina should be treated.
I like the photos of you B, very edgy.
I read “Down Syndrome Gynecology” and the sequel “Caribbean Gyno,” but I haven’t read “Down Home Gynecology” yet…can hardly wait.
HAHA!
Are you sure you don’t want to just wait until the movie comes out? I heard it’s a little racy, but apparently it’s Eddie Murphy’s best work since 1983.
While Auntie D may be off getting her labia dusted, it’s so nice to know that all of the learning with book fun will continue! And thank God because I really needed to learn more about these important subjects. I’m going to order the books for sure, but do you think you could answer me a few queries (I think that’s a fancy word for question?) while I wait?
For Dr. Jaffre; I never have much trouble meeting vaginas but I do have trouble controlling them. They always end up shitting on the floor, barking all night, chewing the furniture and eventually biting me. What do I do?
For Justin; I thought all male stewardesses were gay? And that pornstashes were out this year?
For you; will you be my master? And teach me how to be a model?
For Dr. Wilson; does mind power work on my penis?
For Palle; what the fuck is wrong with you?
I love the word “queries”, Scott! If wasn’t so classy-sounding, I would totally use it as my new safe word!
Sadly I have no way of contacting these people, seeing as my teleporter broke down on my way back from the Summer of ’69 (good times, by the way). But seeing as you’re my friend, I’ll do the next best thing by pretending that I am them (or they are me. -Either/or).
Dr. Jaffre: Scott, lovely to hear from you. It sounds to me like your vaginas are have rabies. Either that or they belong to Paris Hilton. (Tough to say.) Either way, I would recommend that you bring some non-Paris Hilton vaginas over to the office, and while I’m busy showing them some southern hospitality, you can help my wife make dinner. See you next Sunday?
Justin: Scott, great to hear from you. I wish I could answer your questions, but if I did everyone would think I was gay. And unfashionable.
Me: Scott! Kickass to hear from you! Of course I will teach you, that goes without saying. In fact, if things work out, you could be the model for my next NEXT book (after the one I’m doing with Elizabeth), titled, “100 Paellas-turned-Weapons”.
Dr. Wilson: Scott, mind-blowing to hear from you. Unfortunately this book has no effect on the male penis. But that’s because the penis is in no way attached to the male brain.
Palle: I’m not sure, but I think I might have a bird on my head.
You are brilliance personified!
PS- I think that means that you are awesome.
My dear Bschooled,
I’ve been meaning to ask. Is this your Auntie D? Because if so, she’s quite beautiful in a Princess Leia gone wild sort of way.
http://media.photobucket.com/image/aunt%20dahlia/innocentsmith/smith/Hunger089.jpg
Your friend.
Don
Ha! I can understand why you might think that, Don. But no, while they do own the same dress, my Auntie D is a tad more expressive. http://i751.photobucket.com/albums/xx155/bschooled/Screenshot2010-09-04at15311PM.png
Really, she’s always been that way. (This was her as a child- http://i751.photobucket.com/albums/xx155/bschooled/auntieD.png )
I couldn’t help but notice how the moustache-less stewardesses were employing your deadly Inverted Intrauterine Deathgrip upon Tom Selleck’s wigglies.
– And NM is right about the Crazy Eyes!
FYI: I’m a very avid fan of Dr. Donald L. Wilson’s “Enlargement Through Total Mind Power” series, having read his “Power Penis” volume from cover to cover several times. But as you know, it’s very hard for me to stay focused on any one thing, and during a prolonged period of mental misdirection, I inadvertently created a mile long “outie” from my belly button.
You should see the awsome belly balloon animals I can make when gas backs-up!
Ahem. I love the van, B, and can send a matchging set of “Midnight Auto” chrome mags up north to add some sparkle and really pimp that ride! Just say the word, and keep up this fantastic reading enrichment program. We are all much bigger for it . . . or longer!
Dan, the mental image of a mile long outie (or inch long, for that matter) has left me at a loss for words.
Honestly, I didn’t even think outies existed until my late teens, having found out the hard (and extremely aesthetically-unpleasing) way.
You know it’s bad when you break up with someone because you think they have a miniature Siamese twin…
A “matchging” sibling!
Matchging: Chinese for “matching”.
HA! I thought it was 匹 配?
This is HILARIOUS!!!!! From the Free Candy Book Mobile to the Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power, you have inspired me to once again pick up a book. And when I say “pick up” I mean steal, but you knew that.
You just make reading fun for everyone Bschooled. God bless America.
Of course I knew that! (It’s what people like us do.)
The only thing I ask is that you don’t steal the Mind Power book, DD. (Save some cleavage for the rest of us.)
I’m off to secure the books on tape version of every last one.
Okay so when I am at the hospital (yes I get paid to do this) before I enter woman’s vagigna I ask them if a. they want to know my last name and b. do they want a shot of vodka? I mean if I am putting my fingers where the sun doesn’t shine. Just a courtesy to offer the shot!
To tell you the truth, you could probably skip the formalities and just go straight to b.
It would be like Cheers! Only instead of bar stools, there would be an examining table. Oh, and stirrups.
Tampon Tornado Punch FOR THE WIN!!! Still laughing at that list of photos… you have a gift bschooled.
Thanks, Dr. Cynicism!
Er, unless you were just being cynical?
(Because if that’s the case, then I was just being sarcastic. Or maybe ironic.)
I think this takes the cake for the year’s greatest post. I’ll mail you your trophy and display it with pride.