B’s “Conveyance O’ Classics”

..

.

Now with a new set of rims and a modest paint job, the bookmobile is back, and just in time for Christmas!

Here are just some of the festive fables you’ll find in my new and improved Vehicle O’ Vocab.

.

.

.

.

In this erotic mystery thriller, a pre-op John Cusack and my third grade Gym Teacher go undercover to catch a serial killer.

Hot on the perp’s trail, they pull an all night stake-out hoping to catch him in the act. But when their agonizingly slow dial-up connection fails and they instead  find themselves engaging in a night of unbridled passion, they have to struggle to catch up to this madman before he claims his next victim.

While I don’t want to give away the ending, trust me when I say it’s a riveting read.

..

.

.

.

.

.

Author of Bestselling essays “Is The Cervix a Mini-Donut?” and “Is The Cameltoe an Actual Camel’s Toe?” former Proctologist/Grave Digger Leo Bersani sets out to answer yet another question that everyone has pondered at one time or another– “Is The Rectum A Grave?”

While the book is informative, I think the following table (found on page three) pretty much sums up the answer to this age-old question.

..

.

.

.

.

.

“Hush,” is a Children’s book written by Dominic Catalano,  aspiring author and series regular on Dateline’s To Catch A Predator. I didn’t actually read this one, but from what I’ve heard it basically just teaches kids about the importance of keeping secrets.

.

..

.

.

.


Itchin’ To play but don’t wanna pay? Well, you’re in luck! With just a little imagination and a lot of sandpaper, you can turn that “Boring Old Craft Box” into an “Amorous Shaft Box”!

Make Your Own Sex Toys has fifty easy projects that will allow you to experience the same pleasure that people who can afford sex toys feel. And they make great Christmas gifts, too! 

Here are just a few of the titillating trinkets you can create:

.

.

Pipe-Cleaner Adjustable Cock-Ring

.

.

.

Fuzzy Ben-Wa Balls

.

.

.

Stuffed Hose Pocket Vagina

.

.

.

Lazy Man’s Lasciviousness

.

..

Armless Amelie

.

If you want to “Get The Lead Out Without Pulling The Bread Out”, I strongly suggest you buy this book.

**

.

.

.

“Peek-a-Poo What’s In Your Diaper?” is a mystery book that will appeal to the young, old, incontinent and/or senile.

Here’s what a few of the readers had to say.

.

‘What’s in Your Diaper’ is the shit! -For real, yo.”

-L’il Wayne

.
.

“Is it candy? Is it flowers? What’s in there? You’ll have to read it to find out!”

-Paula Abdul

.

.

“The ending is so shocking that I shat myself! But then again, I was going to do that anyway…”

-My Aunt Doris

.

*Thank-you for taking the time to check out these enlightening reads. And remember, if you’d like to purchase any of these festive fables for you or your loved ones, email me at bschooled@hotmail.com for a quote.

.

.

.

Comments

  1. I did not know one could make one’s own sex toys, though when I was in college, I posed for a dildo. It wasn’t as glamorous as I thought it would be. It turned out that most of the people who bought the model I posed for were gay. :(

    • You posed for a dildo? Did he have dark hair with frosted tips and wear thin leather dress belts with baggy Levi’s?

      And was his favorite movie Dirty Dancing and he knew all the words to “She’s Like The Wind” which you didn’t think much of at the time but now you feel like a total idiot for not recognizing the signs?

      Just curious.

  2. God bless you and your blog – I love them both. Is it just me, or do wood crafted sex toys sound splinterishly scary??

  3. Holy Crap, this was so funny I don’t even know where to start.

    Is that a Commodore 64?!? Maybe they were playing Oregon Trail, hence the childlike smiles??

    …..the importance of keeping secrets.” Can’t be stressed enough.

    …nightie in biege. Too Funny

    Shine on you crazy diamond.

  4. How to choose between such masterpieces! The German book I disqualify on the grounds of language and the Sex Toy book somehow belongs with it.

    I think the rectum/graveyard book is the one I’d pick, because it doesn’t preach and gives both sides of the argument. I like a book which allows its readers to make up their own minds.

    • I knew you’d say that, GB!

      That’s why I got you a copy for Christmas. It’s the limited edition pop-up version, and it even comes with a pair of Avatar glasses.

      (It was the least I could do.)

  5. Archaeologists do dig in poop though.

    Hush is listed as a fantasy. So Dominic must not be too good at getting the kids to “hush”

    One thing about making your own sex toys is to make sure the glue is completely dry before trying it out.

    If it was my neice, it probably is my sister-in laws car keys hidden in her diaper.

  6. I hope you have a great book sell.
    Is this the month that 25% of the sales go to the altar boys psychiatrist relief fund and rectum repair?

    • Yes, yes it is! I’ll also be donating another 25% of the sales to the hamster psychiatrist relief fund and non-rectum shelter acquisition.

      (That’s why I jacked up the prices 50%.)

  7. I don’t want to get graphic but just witnessing some of those completed sex-toys with my eyes aided in the ruining of several pairs of pants, drapes and this computer. I’m just lucky that you didn’t post the lavish microwaved watermelon with a hole cut into it. However, a seasonal favorite of mine is to swap out the watermelon with a pumpkin.

    I want all these books.

    • Haha! Oh, the things I could learn about the male species from you, Posky.

      As a way of thanking you for not getting graphic, I’m sending you a copy of each one of these books. (And the pre-made toys.)

  8. Vodka and Ground Beef says:

    My tennis coach used to tell me, “You just hit a winner.” Then we’d make out a little bit.

    That’s what your post reminded me of – hitting winners.

    1. “Is The Cervix a Mini-Donut?” That is so right on the money.
    2. HUSH . . .it basically just teaches kids about the importance of keeping secrets. ** This is so important, by the way. Kids are always overreacting to stuff like “touching” and “fondling.” A lot of those kids on “To Catch a Predator” were given stuffed animals and soda. Those things aren’t cheap. Kids aren’t grateful anymore.
    3. Ummm, the “stuffed hose pocket vagina.” Total DIY perv’s dream. That’s what I like about your work though. Your writing is bourgeois for sure, but every now and then it’s for the “people,” the 9-5ers. You’re just good at being a really good person.

    • I’m seconding that, V&GB. Not only was there stuffed animals and soda, but a hot air balloon ride as well.

      Tell me you’re not going to “give it up” for a hot air balloon ride. That’s like a once-in-a-lifetime event.

    • You had a tennis coach? I always wanted to play tennis. (Mostly because I had a crush on that Martin Navratilova guy.)

      Thanks for noticing my goodness, Vodka. I sometimes worry that it gets overshadowed by my ridiculously bold sense of fashion.

      • Vodka and Ground Beef says:

        Your fashion is what makes you important on the outside. Your goodness is . . . well, it’s just not that important really because it’s only the outside that counts.

        I need you to check out “Karaoke Activity Partner” when you get a chance. Her blog is hi-lariousness, and you’ll love it. She belongs in our world. Let us claim her.

        • True dat, Vodka. Until they invent a mirror that reflects my internal organs, I’d rather all my beauty be on the outside, where people can see it.

          I heart Karaoke Activity Partner, she is indeed one of us. I’m working on the claim forms as we speak.

        • Oh Vodka – I just saw this posting when I googled my name – amazing the things you do when you try to sleep in your own bed. Thanks for spreading the good word. 213 more days until our big day!

  9. “fess up B. You made that armless Amelie didn’t you?

  10. The mobile is looking snazzy these days…not like when it went through the whole white- van- for- luring- unsuspecting- kids- into phase.

    My husband is handy with tools – and we’ve got some scrap wood around. Maybe we can start a side-line business…but I’m a little worried about splinters…definitely the wood would have to be handled carefully and rubbed repeatedly…

    • Your memory is stellar, Talon.

      Sadly, I had to get rid of the candy van (the cops confiscated it a few days before Halloween.)

      Don’t worry about the splinters, T. Just do what I do and include a sheet of sandpaper with every purchase.:)

  11. Damn, I was looking forward to sharing this blog with my pastor.

    Maybe I’ll just block his eyes when he gets to armless Amelie. The rest may be okay.

  12. “In this erotic mystery thriller, a pre-op John Cusack and my third grade Gym Teacher go undercover to catch a serial killer.”

    I want you to come to my apartment and read this book to me before I go to sleep. This is the funniest shit I’ve read in a long, long time. Awesome!

  13. There is nothing that I don’t absolutely adore about this post. From the new look to the edgy new slogan, you slammed the hilarity down my throat (in a good way) like a gay guy (the shiny kind) slamming a jello (the green flavor) shot.

    You had me at pre-op John Cusack (seriously? it’s totally him!) and kept up the comedic pressure until I splurged my laughter in the brutal end with shocking shating and festive fables.

    And you just reminded me that I came up with a funny funny joke the other day.

    Who guards the uterus?
    The Secret Cervix.

    Huh? Actually I’m not sure I have the female anatomy nailed down yet but I am working on it.

    Seriously B; I now save these posts for right before bed so that I can fall asleep marinating in your brilliance! –How many men have told you that? No more than 8, I’m guessing.

    • OMG, I can’t breathe.

      Seriously, Scott, I’m having a shirt made that says “Member of The Secret Cervix” as we speak.

      Huh? Actually I’m not sure if that would be weird, but I’ll talk to my friends and find out. (If so, I’ll just have it tattooed on my inner thigh.)

  14. Once again, bschooled, my eyes have been befouled and there is probably no saving them. The Sex Toy book was somewhat alarming but at least they had the forethought to remind you to measure yourself before before cramming your unit into whatever the hell it is that you’ve cut a hole in.

    That little reminder in the upper right-hand corner can be a lifesaver, or at least an appendage saver. You don’t want to be the guy in the ER trying to explain how you managed to “break your dick” (technically speaking) on the inside of a aerosol deodorant can.

    Converesely, you don’t want to be constantly fielding the “Are you in yet?” question from a majority of your community garden. The holes themselves will be difficult enough to explain, especially when Gwyneth Paltrow brings around Super Mario Batali to whip up something simultaneously healthy and loaded with cholesterol-laden hair.

    Remember the old adage: measure twice; lie about it.

  15. I love love love your Scrabble banner, Bea!!!

    As always, you have brought the house down with a masterful work and people have come out of the woodwork (geddit?) with their confessions that you didn’t even have to try to solicit.

    Magic, B. Magic.

  16. From personal experience, I can tell you that “Make Your Own Sex Toys” is only suitable for people with a lot of patience. If you’re in a rush sanding is the first thing to go, and you will probably regret using cedar in the first place.

  17. This is utterly hilarious!!!

    I had to read it twice!

    Thank you.

  18. Way to make hardware go soft :(
    “Is The Rectum A Grave?” Well yes, they’re both full of things that stink!
    “Hush” is the sequel to “But Daddy that isn’t mommy in your bed?”
    “Make Your Own Sex Toy” – Hammer, nails, hot glue and staple gun …what could possibly go wrong?
    “Peek-a-Poo What’s In Your Diaper?” – Fuck, I guessed it was Uncle Joe!

  19. This is some seriously polished convo Bschooled, it reads so easily and its a laugh a line (which is just the kind of chock-a-block value I like to get from free things)
    And thanks to the informative work of Leo Bersani, I now eagerly await my day up a rectum….

  20. Laugh riot B. You should read Leo Bersani’s Is the Nutsack a Pin-Cushion?

  21. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Your third grade gym teacher looked startlingly like Sonny Bono! Not sure what funkausstellung means, but I see ‘fun©k’ and ‘schlong’ in there somewhere so I think I get their drift.

    Is the Rectum a Grave? Well, it sure seemed that way when we had to perform manual fecal exhumations during nursing school. One day, I entered the reposing room of a patient for a doctor ordered fecal disinterment. Let me tell you, once I inserted the lowering device (my finger) into her crypt and broke through sphinctal rigor mortis, some of the remains (uh, stool) were hard as a rock and felt like they had petrified. Once that had been painstakingly extracted, I encountered putrefaction and swiftly became alarmed. Holy shit (!)… this woman sprang back to life and unleashed a TORRENT of watery embalming fluid all over my crisp and starchy nursing uniform following the digital purge. I called the funeral coach (nursing professor) and she dismissed me for the rest of the day so I could go home and shower. Gratefully, this all ocurred pre-OCD. I don’t believe anyone was more bereaved than I was that day. So, is the rectum a grave? Depends on who you ask, but if it is a nurse, you betcha.

    It would take an additional 4-5 zeros on that price sticker to equate the kind of ‘hush money’ I would expect after reading Hush!

    I would love to see you collaborate with the Coen brothers (a la Burn After Reading) on your sex toy crafting. Great read, bschooled!! As usual, you delivered in spades!

    P.S. The Armless Amelie was my favorite.

    • HA! Now that you mention it, that’s totally who my third grade teacher looked like! Which kind of creeps me out (no disrespect to the dead), seeing as at the time we thought he was dreamy.

      Your story about rectum/grave/manual (UGH!) fecal exhumations, reminds me of the time I watched “The Children of The Corn.” Not because they are in any way related, but because I remember that the whole time I watched it, I was both deeply disturbed and utterly fascinated at the same time.

      I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Elizabeth. You have a gift. Please PLEASE write a book (If not for yourself, then for people like me. :))

      Musing you always,
      b:)

      ps. Consider Armless Amelie yours.

  22. In this erotic mystery thriller, a pre-op John Cusack and my third grade Gyno Teacher go undercover to catch a serial killer.

    Wowser . . . a thriller made for pubescent males whose whoremoans can be heard for far and a couple other places.

    I personally can vouch for the amazing book, “Make your own sex toys.” I made an accurate rendition of a vagina out of chewing gum and a couple of watercress sandwiches. It didn’t go over too well at the local church bizarre, which was kind an oxymoron in itself.

    • Haha! Oh, how I love oxymorons.

      Maybe it had something to do with the bread? (According to my mom, the majority of religious people suffer from gluten allergies.)

  23. I would like the sex toys book because arts and crafts are always fun!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 457 other followers