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If this desperate plea–which I came across while trolling Dr. Phil’s Facebook page recently, doesn’t tug at your heart strings–well then you obviously don’t have any.

I knew I had to do something to help Eva. But what?

Thankfully, after careful contemplation coupled with a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon (aka.”The Cheap Bastard’s Panty Remover”) I had my answer.

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I got the  distinct feeling that Dr. Phil was ignoring me. So, in what can only be described as a feeling of sheer, unadulterated hopelessness**, I  tried reaching out to Dr. Oz.


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Comments

66 Comments

Post a comment
  1. May 30, 2011

    I always wonder why you block out the last names of commenters. I mean it is a public site.

    BTW, check out my latest…I gave you a shout out.

    • May 30, 2011

      I’m scared of retaliation from crazy Jonas Brothers/Justin Beiber/Twilight/Dr. Phil fans.

      ps. Best. Cartoon. Evah!!!

      • May 31, 2011

        I hear that. They’ll get all pissed off and WTF!? and head your way before taking a closer look and going, “Well, that looks like me but without a legible last name, I can’t be sure.” At which point, they’ll return home and inadvertently crank out more comedy material.

        • May 31, 2011

          HA! It’s like you can read my mind.

          Swear to Dr. OZ, I pictured that EXACT same scenario after replying to Bearman’s comment…

  2. May 30, 2011

    This reminds me of Oscar Wilde, something about having a battle of wits with the unarmed. I am not brave enough to face the legions of the mediocre like that.

    • May 31, 2011

      I don’t blame you. Thankfully I happen to be part mediocre (my great uncle was a Carney), so it makes things easier.

  3. May 30, 2011

    WTF, Dr Oz didn’t respond to your cancer-from-the dentist allegation? Either he’s a computer program or a complete pussy.

    • May 31, 2011

      He’s a computer program or a complete pussy or he’s busy doing an aortic valve transplant quadruple bypass thingy.

      Either way he’s totally lame.

  4. May 30, 2011

    Eva is right, Dr. Phil’s show has gotten so bad it’s imberessing. I bet it’s cause he’s focusing on his party planning business. Maybe he’ll do an episode on it! I’ve always wanted to learn how to make animal balloons.

    • May 31, 2011

      Ha! Me too! Maybe after he’ll sit the balloon animals down and tell them to “Get real!”, then when they don’t he’ll move them all into the Dr. Phil house and make them look like idiots on National television!

      I don’t know about you, but I could totally see myself watching that.

  5. May 30, 2011

    You are so good at this art, the tweaking of the clueless.

    • May 31, 2011

      Thanks, Mikey.

      I think it helps that I was born clueless. (It comes from my dad’s side of the family.)

  6. May 30, 2011

    Your blog is hilarious!

    • May 31, 2011

      Thanks Kristen.

      If only my mom/sister/>93% of my family members felt the same way.

  7. May 30, 2011

    OMG … tell me you didn’t bash Dr. phil and Dr. Oz… these two men spend day in and day out working round the clock to make sure your have all the help you could ever need and you have the audacity to…. Never mind… Dr. Phile and Dr. OG (oh god) are lying in bed counting their Oprah Dollahs thats why they are not commenting on your comments… I would join them in their Dollah counting but Oprah scamed me…she said if I have a threesom with her and Gail She would feature me on her show… she totally fucked me! (please send money… no one will hire me now that I have been tarnished by Oprah).

    • June 1, 2011

      I know, right? That’s why I went undercover, I was scared of being “James Frey’ed” by the mighty Opes.

      I could just imagine her calling me out for “Not really posting pics of my sisters’ head on various gnome bodies.”

  8. May 30, 2011

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha (a bit of pee) hahahhahahahahaha!

    • June 1, 2011

      You do that too? It’s like we’re twins!

  9. May 30, 2011

    I hate all of those Oprah cultist!

    • June 1, 2011

      Be careful what you say, it’s only a matter of time before they organize the next Rapture.

      For real this time.

  10. May 30, 2011

    Do I have to join Facebook to see Evelyn’s “fruits of love”?

    I’ve never seen either of those shows, except maybe in a doctor’s-office waiting room (As boring as soap operas are, daytime talk shows are much worse–whatever happened to the daytime game shows?) But I don’t have to have, to enjoy this post, you really do have a gift that transcends logic–and and I love it!

    • May 31, 2011

      Judging by the photo of Evelyn…are you sure you WANT to see her ‘fruits of love’? I’m willing to pass that one up…just saying…

    • June 1, 2011

      Thanks, Scott! But you might not feel that way when you see my “General Hospital Facebook page” post. Those Sonny Corinthos fans make talk show aficionados seem ambivalent.

  11. May 30, 2011

    I hope they change the name of high-fructose corn syrup. Because then the documentary Michael Moore makes about it will be called “Children of the Corn Sugar.” YOU’RE WELCOME, MICHAEL MOORE.

    • May 31, 2011

      haha… too funny Ms Cats. and what’s this Farmville you and B are rattling on about?

      • June 1, 2011

        Trust me, NM. You don’t want to know.

        • June 1, 2011

          I trust you implicitly. Are you going to come meet daisyfae and me in New York in July? Ms. Cats is coming

          • June 3, 2011

            Are you really going?

            I’m not kidding, if I can find a way to win/steal a couple grand before the end of the month, count me in!

    • June 1, 2011

      HA!

      ps. That movie is the reason I don’t eat corn. And am petrified of the Amish.

  12. May 30, 2011

    Goddamit I love you with the force of one thousand suns for this.
    +followed

    • June 1, 2011

      The force of one thousand suns loves you for loving me for this.
      (…?)

      +followed (x1000 suns)

  13. May 31, 2011

    Your blog is a real tonic for the soul.

    I believe the following statement:

    Have a laugh, twice-daily, and you’ll look and feel 20 years younger in no time.

    Thanks for providing me with a much-needed laugh today.

    • June 2, 2011

      Thanks for stopping by, Tracy! That’s a great mantra.:)

  14. May 31, 2011

    I’m glad Dr Oz dropped a hint about the right answer to the donut burger question. Because we don’t have those things in Australia yet but I’ll be ready for their butter fried arrival now

    • June 3, 2011

      If we end up meeting in New York, I’m making you try one.

  15. May 31, 2011

    Happy birthday Sherri M!

  16. May 31, 2011

    OMG. hilarious.

    I especially lurved the part about the rotting children.

    It’s funny how everyone would pick being alone out of those options, yet how many people stay in abusive relationships just cus they are scared of being alone.

    sigh.

    • June 3, 2011

      Sigh, indeed.

      After getting over the fact that it’s the stupidest question ever, I couldn’t help but wonder how many of the 1,500+ commenters who said they’d rather be alone (I counted because I am currently without a real life) actually meant it.

  17. May 31, 2011

    So I basically just laughed through his whole post. You are amazing. I aspire to be as twisted and hilarious as you are some day. I guess my parents didn’t make enough underhanded and derogatory comments about how fat I was when I was little. GD good parents! How am I supposed to be funny if I’m not fucked up?? DAMMIT.

    • June 3, 2011

      Ha! Trust me CB, you don’t need the fat kid schtick to be funny. Your funny comes naturally.

      And besides, you have dark armpits, remember?

      (I still laugh at that…because I’m creepy that way.)

  18. May 31, 2011

    Post pics of your sister’s head on gnomes!

    • June 3, 2011

      It used to be trolls, but I’m proud to say that I’ve matured over the years.

  19. May 31, 2011

    I’m with Sha ——: When the fuck am I going to finally get cyberbullied. I hear so damn much about it and it seems like it’s always happening to other people. And then someone calls a parent-teacher conference and they all show Powerpoints or read suicide notes or argue about The Facebook (without naming names) and say things in tribute to whoever it was that had their lunch money virtually lifted by an online thug.

    And when it’s all said and done, people will set their jaws firmly and head home to do SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, which usually takes the form of a 10-minute rap session with their disinterested kids and maybe a viewing of Dateline NBC and a couple of weeks later, everyone is back to bullying the hell out of each other until someone shows up at home completely smashed and blames it on cyberbullying.

    Cue vicious circle.

    Enter Dr. Phil (not a real DR. mind you, but has many OPINIONS on THINGS):

    “You know, the world is changing. Several years ago, most of us couldn’t even imagine a phone small enough to fit in our hands, much less a talking computer dictionary that connects us all together using only wires and numbers.

    Things aren’t how they used to be and while we all wish we could go back to a simpler time when things weren’t so complicated and sexual harassment laws were more lenient, it’s simply ignorant to bury our head in the sand and other homespun metaphors and colloquialism.

    Have you seriously sat down and talked to your kids? Talked “to,” not “at.” [wait for laughter to subside] You’ll never know what’s going on in their lives until you can get on a first name basis with them and actually listen. Most of what kids say is the stuff they don’t say. [wait for confusion to die down] Let’s face it: you didn’t tell your parents all the things you did, like kiss that boy behind the gym or take the family car for a joyride downtown for some chocolate malts and crack cocaine. Haw haw haw. They’d have been mortified if they hadn’t have split up and agreed on joint custody several years ago, meaning you’d have to tell your parents twice, including repeating the story for the social worker whose attendance was required every third weekend.

    So, what are they saying when they’re not saying “You’re not my real dad.” That’s where you, as a parent or court-appointed guardian have to pick up on what I call non-verbal clues™ and know that when they’re not saying “I was cyberbullied,” they’re actually saying “I wandered into a bad part of the internet [Second Life] and some garishly dressed furries took all my lunch money while savaging me with their tails [?], which they all seemed to have at least one or two extra of.”

    Once you’ve gotten to the heart of the discussion by listening or snooping or bugging the vehicle, you can help them help themselves to break free of the internet bullies and begin living life the way it was meant to be lived.™

    And all it takes from you is a willingness to listen and countless hours of what you used to call “free” time. If you can’t make that sacrifice for your own flesh and blood (or the flesh and blood of others that you’ve married into), then you’re not fit to view my entrancing mustache in all its glory.”

    • June 6, 2011

      Get ready my friend, because this fucking hilarious comment (so fucking hilarious that I can’t stop fucking swearing) just won you the opportunity to be cyberbullied like you’ve never been cyberbullied before!!

      [wait for trembling to subside]

      As my favorite life-coach and internet mentor would say, “Haw haw haw.”

      ps. Does the ™ sign mean I can’t take that quote and raise it as my own?

  20. May 31, 2011

    I think Sherri and Sherry should hook up.

  21. May 31, 2011

    This is the very reason why God wants us Raptured !!!

  22. May 31, 2011

    Lol this just gave me lots of ideas.

    • June 5, 2011

      Perfect! Hopefully your ideas will give me more ideas.:)

  23. June 1, 2011

    You are so freakin; creative Bea! “My therapist says I should stay off facebook but who will look after my Farmville crop?” Man, that’s some funny sh!t. You kill me.

  24. June 1, 2011

    THAT WAS GREAT.

    I love the Facebook…message chain!

  25. June 1, 2011

    I want to be on you.

  26. June 2, 2011

    Be careful. Now that Oprah is finished with her show she has extra free-time to go after the people who diss Phil and Oz.

  27. June 6, 2011

    Oprah is awesome! It’s a shame that people like Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz have to tarnish Her image by riding on Her coattails.

    Do you watch Springer or Judge Judy by any chance?

    • June 9, 2011

      Springer is still on?

      No, Judge Judy annoys me. She’s exactly like Nancy Grace, only I watch Nancy Grace anyway. (?)

  28. June 6, 2011

    Don’t worry, if you decide to stay away from Facebook for a while, I’ll be happy to look after your Farmville. (It’s not just because I need the acorns(?) either.)

    I haven’t watched TV lately but I thought Dr. Phil was Oprah’s dildo handler?

    • June 9, 2011

      I think they’re pinecones?

      I always assumed Gayle handled the dildos…

  29. June 6, 2011

    You kill me with your Facebook adventures. Also, feel free to Cyberbully me too.

  30. June 6, 2011

    Damn, I laughed so hard!

  31. June 7, 2011

    Ha ha, will the craziness never cease.
    I hope not :D

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