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I wonder about a lot of things.

I wonder why people feel the need to write cryptic status updates on Twitter and Facebook, then say “It’s personal” when you ask them about it. I also wonder why Tori Spelling is relevant. One time I was so busy wondering that I forgot to go to work for an entire week.

Unfortunately, my Boss was not a wonderer, which is why I no longer work for that company.

One day, back when I was still employed, I was in a meeting. Because Engineering meetings are boring, I started wondering what would happen if I were to suddenly lean over the table and start making out with Don.

It’s not that I was attracted to Don–He was two years away from retirement and had a forehead that just wouldn’t quit. I just wanted to know what would happen if I did. Would he be all into it? Would my co-workers be shocked? Or even worse, turned on? Would they get all awkward and make an excuse to leave the room? Or would all hell break lose and suddenly the conference room would turn into one giant anal-retentive orgy?

An inquiring mind wanted to know.

To break up the monotony at work, my BFFOOTPITO (best friend forever out of the people in the office) taught me a game called  “Would You Rather.”

C- Would you rather be mauled by a bear or attacked by a shark?

Me- Neither. Final answer.

C- You have to pick one.

Me- Fine. Has the bear been declawed?

C- Why would a bear be declawed?

B- Is it a Basking shark?

C- Does it matter?

B- Well, duh. Basking Sharks don’t use their teeth.

C- *sighs* Why don’t you start. Give me two things and I’ll tell you which one I’d rather do.

B- Okay. Would you rather get rich or die tryin’?

C- It has to be two things that I wouldn’t want to do.

B- You didn’t say that.

C-  I thought it was implied.

B- Fine. Shit or get off the pot?

C- You don’t get it, do you?

B- Move it or lose it?

C- Forget it.

B- Well, that answers my next question. I was going to ask if you’d rather Set It or Forget It.

It took a while, but eventually I got the hang of it.

We played this game every day. Because we didn’t want to be accused of wasting Company time, we made sure to keep our questions strictly work-related.

“Would you rather stay at our current job for another five years or be in a fire where ninety percent of our body is covered in burns?”

When the answers became too easy (Burn Baby, Burn!), we decided to up the ante.

“Would you rather sleep with Hussein in Accounting, or Phil in Document Controls?”

To give you an idea of what we were dealing with it took three days– even cutting into our lunch hour (which we made up for by leaving early)–for us to come to a verdict.

I felt it was only fair that we share our decision with the finalists. I asked Hussein and Phil to meet us in the boardroom.

Me- First, we want you to know that this wasn’t easy. You’re both great guys and I’m sure both of you would make some desperate woman very happy.

Phil- What’s this about?

Me- Patience, old man. You’re not dead yet. *Turning to Hussein*  Now Hussein, you have a really great personality, but we find you too sweaty for our taste. Phil, your sensible footwear and cane really draws attention to your oldness.

During the intermission, C sang a song off her Richard Marx-inspired album “Right Here Collating For You.” I talked about the importance of not grossing your co-workers out by flossing at your desk.

Finally it came time to announce the winner. You could cut the tension with a knife. Had it not been for Hussein’s sweating, you would have been able to hear a paper-clip drop.

To make the experience seem more legit I decided to use the “Double Deek-Out,” a trick I picked up from watching “So You Think You Can Dance.”

You know how when the two contestants are up for elimination and that annoying English chick will turn to one guy and make it seem like he’s the winner? Then, at the last minute she will spew out a bunch of confusing double negatives, causing the loser to go home and slash his wrists and the viewers to wonder what the hell just happened.

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I find this method also works in my personal life.

For example, let’s say I’m at the store trying to decide which chocolate bar I want to buy.  To make the task seem more exciting, I will act like I’m going to pick the Oh Henry, then at the last minute I will point to the Eatmore and say “Eatmore, you may not not stay. Oh Henry, I’m sorry to say “No Way!””

Given my unhealthy attachment to inanimate objects, I usually end up buying both. Also, a pack of Smarties.

Fortunately, my empathetic nature doesn’t extend to human beings.

I made it look like we were going to choose Hussein. Then I turned around and awarded Phil the title of “Guy We Would Sleep with If We Had To Pick between Him And Hussein.”

I awarded him with a stapler from the filing cabinet. C sang a song from her Meatloaf-inspired album, “Subordinate Out Of Hell.”

I don’t think Hussein was too happy with the results. But to be fair, he was married so it wasn’t like he had to worry about what was on the outside.

The important thing was that we gave an ornery old man something to live for.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wonder about Phil.

Not because I care–I mean, obviously–but because like I said…I’m a wonderer.

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Comments

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  1. January 16, 2012

    You are so awesome I wish I could be your BFFOOTPITO.

    • January 16, 2012

      Dude, you, Marta and C were my BFFOOTPIAO. (Best friends forever out of the people in any office.)

  2. January 16, 2012

    I wonder where you come up with this shit… Hilarious!

    Other things I wonder about:
    1. Why men think Penelope Cruz is hot.
    2. Why all food that tastes good is bad for me.
    3. Why my boss is a backstabbing bitch.
    4. Why Oprah won’t die already.

    Those are just a few things…I won’t bore you with more. However, if you have the answers, please share!

    • January 16, 2012

      1. Big boobs…no one looks at her face or listens to her terrible english.
      2. Because FAT is yummy
      3. Because you are facing the wrong way.
      4. Because she is a zombie.

      • January 16, 2012

        All valid questions, Lisa. Bearman’s answers are correct, save for the first one. Compared to Salma Hayek, Cruz is a surf board.

        Not that I’ve ogled either set, mind you. I just know these things. (My parents were big porn fans.)

        • January 17, 2012

          @Bearman, I’m pretty sure you are my hero. I know have answers to some of the most troubling questions ever.

          @bs, I’ve ogled (in my defense, I’m a chick and us chicks often check out other women so we can compare them to ourselves…not something I’m proud of, just a fact) and Sofia Vegara gives both of them a run for their money.

  3. January 16, 2012

    My office is so boring….and Cat Deeley is looking rough these days, though she was presenting kids TV over here when I was growing up

    • January 16, 2012

      I haven’t watched the show in a while, but judging by the picture it looks like Cat has used up her 9 lives. I only hope she doesn’t end up like Vanna White. Apparently she got so burnt out from turning all those letters that now she just points and they turn themselves.

  4. January 16, 2012

    For some reason, I read “could cut the tension with a knife” as “could cut the lemons with a knife.” Then I thought “that could be a good ‘would you rather’ question.”

    And I’ve never heard of Eat-More candy bars. You truly have schooled me.

    • January 17, 2012

      Haha! I would pick lemons. Only because I heard tension is really hard to break.

      I have a love/hate relationship with Eat-Mores. I love the way they taste, but I hate the way they look. (Like rectangular cow patties.)

  5. January 16, 2012

    oh I play a version of this game with a friend of mine who LOVES having his back scratched. It goes something like this:
    Would you rather have a half hour back scratch or sex with (insert name of annoying but attractive person we both know)
    Would you rather have a one hour back scratch or a blow job from (insert name of person we know who has silicone lips)
    Would you rather have a two hour back scratch or watch Morena Baccarin from Firefly take a shower?
    Actually, B, I’m running out of alternative choices to the back scratch so if you could suggest some new ones i’d be most grateful

    • January 16, 2012

      Silicone lips? Is that different than Botox? We need pictures if so.

    • January 16, 2012

      Could I watch one of the other Firefly chicks instead? I liked the mechanic best. She’d be much more interesting in the shower than the new age hooker babe, because she gets all dirty and sweaty turning wrenches on spaceship guts. RIght?

      • January 18, 2012

        Haha! David, your comment makes me laugh. Not because I know what you’re talking about–I’ve never seen the show/band?- but because new age hooker babes are funny. Also, you wrote “spaceship guts”.

        • January 19, 2012

          You’d probably like Firefly. It’s the only space western TV series ever. And Nathan Fillion is the star. Most women really like him. He calls the universe “the ‘verse”. Plus it’s got the New Age hooker and the hot mechanic chick. Something for everyone.

    • January 18, 2012

      Hilarious! I LOVE how you clarified that the person in the first scenario was “annoying”.

      Okay, here’s mine: Would you rather have your back scratched by the annoying but attractive person only one of us knows (only because we probably don’t know the same people), or give a blow job in the shower?

      I already know my answer, but I’m waiting to hear yours first…

  6. January 16, 2012

    We have a similar game…”Who would you rather marry, f*ck, or murder?” I can usually come up with who I’d like to murder a lot faster than the other two categories. Hmmm… I wonder if this makes me deranged?

    I love your posts. Keep them coming;)

    • January 18, 2012

      Thanks, CS. Unfortunately for me, the person I want to murder is usually the same person I wanted to f*ck at some point. And my fear of commitment would make the “marry” part of the game redundant…

  7. January 16, 2012

    Bahaha, set it or forget it? you have me in tears. SO EFFIN FUNNY

    Also? Husseins body sweat would have had him out of the running before i was even asked “would you rather”…

    • January 18, 2012

      Ha! You’re right, hyperhydrosis is a real turn off. But then again, so is the thought of rubbing up against sandpaper.

      The more I think about it, the more I wretch/realize that losing my job was for the best…

  8. Jen #
    January 16, 2012

    I too wonder where you come up with this shit. I thought I was the only one who wondered about the most random things. Luckily, my sense of humor is right in line with yours so I totally get it. I tend to be obsessive compulsive so my wonderings dance around my head for far too long. This is why my writing without making any money lifestyle works so well.
    Thanks for the laugh. But, now I’m thinking about Tori Spelling.

    • January 18, 2012

      Don’t do that! When you think about Tori, it’s only a matter of time before you start Googling Tori, then you start hating yourself for wasting three hours of your life trying to find a picture of Tori without a horrifying amount of abnormal-looking cleavage showing.

      Trust me, it’s a vicious cycle.

  9. January 16, 2012

    There’s nothing quite like a large, sexy forehead is there? You can just feel the heat from those pulsating frontal lobes. Makes me all pituitary.

    • January 19, 2012

      HA! If it makes you feel better, I would pick pituitary over sweaty any day.

      • January 19, 2012

        Of course you would. Maybe I misunderstood what you meant by “a forehead that wouldn’t quit”. I guess there are other ways to interpret that.

        • January 23, 2012

          So many ways! It’s a wonder that “Forehead Not Quitting 101″ isn’t a required course when majoring in Philosophy.

  10. Anonymous #
    January 16, 2012

    Just curious, did you end up hooking up with Hussein anyway? I was thinking, sort of a “friends with benefits” situation. You can kid yourself all you want, we both know Hussein wasn’t the only one sweating.

    • January 19, 2012

      You’re right, Hussein wasn’t the only one sweating. But to be fair, Gladys was going through menopause at the time.

      Also, is there such thing as a friend of the opposite sex “without” benefits? (I’m asking for a friend…of the opposite sex.)

  11. January 16, 2012

    I would choose to be attacked by a card shark. They’re like Rain Man, right? I don’t think he could do much damage, unless he missed “People’s Court,” and then good luck to us all.

    • January 19, 2012

      Ha! Good luck to us all, indeed! Especially if he had a box of toothpicks on him at the time…

  12. January 17, 2012

    SYTYCD reference ftw! Oh, sorry. I got all excited. I love me some Cat Deeley.

    Also . . . Love it or shove it? Cash or carry? Read ‘em or weap? Take it or leave it? Hell or high water? Rain or shine? Ready or not? Now you are ready for your next game!

    And I wonder, wonder who, ooo-ooo-ooo who . . . who wrote the book of love?

    • January 19, 2012

      Shove it.
      Cash. (Obviously)
      Weep.
      Leave it. (Unless “it” is cash.)
      Neither. Final answer.
      Shine.
      Not ready. Ever.
      Not me. (Again, obviously)

  13. Rod #
    January 17, 2012

    Well now, I had intended to leave a witty remark about how Smarties are a tool of the Devil and should be classified as a gateway drug, but now all I can think about is Salma Hayak soooo……

    anyway……

    • January 19, 2012

      I totally get it. Whenever I think of Salma Hayak, the only candy bar that comes to mind is “Mounds”.

  14. January 17, 2012

    We’ve also managed to offload Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan onto you for most of the year. It would be wonderful if you would take Bruce Forsyth (possibly the most irritating person on UK TV) as well.

    • January 19, 2012

      Fine. We’ll take him. But only if you guys take Snooki, Courtney Stodden and the entire cast and writers of “Two and a Half Men.” Deal?

  15. January 17, 2012

    I’d rather eat glass than play a game of “Would you rather.”

    I’m not big on foreheads, which is ironic as I am starting to bald and am increasing in foreheaditude.

    • January 19, 2012

      Would you rather eat ceramic glass or the regular kind?

      Foreheaditude is fine, Ahmnodt. It’s only the “party in the back barren desert in the front” situation that you really have to worry about.

  16. Bo #
    January 17, 2012

    So, this would make you… Wonder Woman! (I know, I’m sorry.)

    • January 19, 2012

      Haha! Is it wrong that right now I am kicking myself for not thinking of this?

      • Bo #
        January 19, 2012

        Of course it’s not wrong! And when you wear your Wonder Woman Underoos with gold bracelets and a red cape… That is still not wrong!!! :)

        • January 23, 2012

          Outside! In the middle of the day! At the mercado here in Mexico! It’s STILL not wrong!

          Granted the heat reflecting on my fake gold bracelets are causing my wrists to turn slightly green. But still. Locals don’t judge.

  17. January 18, 2012

    Funniest shit I’ve read today… hands down!

    • January 19, 2012

      Thanks, Angie!

      To be honest, I was worried that the Richard Marx/Meatloaf references might turn people off…

  18. Elly Lou #
    January 19, 2012

    I’m assuming C also has a Dion and the Belmonts’ inspired album called “the wonderer”…

    • January 23, 2012

      Aren’t the Belmonts a brand of cigarettes?

  19. January 24, 2012

    Sometimes I ask myself, “Self? Who has the magic to words into chortles much like beans into golden retrievers”, and I say, “I don’t know her. But I read a lot of what she writes”. You are a genius. Never change.

    • January 26, 2012

      The way you are able to incorporate the word “chortles” into your comments so effortlessly is only part of what makes you so brilliant.

  20. January 25, 2012

    I wonder what would happen if I do whacked-out things. I usually do this when I allow an overly caffeinated mind to race around to strange place. I think I’ve been close to punching little old ladies a little more than I’d like to admit, so I liked this post.

    • January 26, 2012

      In your defense, the latent desire to punch little old ladies is just human nature. Especially when they scoot their way in front of you in line at the convenience store because those extra thirty seconds could mean the difference between life and death.

  21. L.A. #
    January 25, 2012

    How many double negatives should I use to say I am thrilled I read this blog?

    • January 26, 2012

      Good question! I’m thinking five would be sufficient, but really it all depends on how much time you don’t not have to not be saving. Negatively speaking, of course. (Not.)

      Er, I have no idea what that means…?

      Still, thanks for stopping by, L.A. I don’t not really appreciate it.

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