Mating Rituals Of The Animal Kingdom

**Because I am an expert at the art of seduction (if I wasn’t always black-out drunk at the time I’d let my numbers speak for themselves), I’ve decided to use my skills to help other, more art-of-seduction-challenged singles find true love.


In part one of this educational ongoing series (fingers crossed!), I joined a site that specializes in “bringing together older women and younger men online.”


As you can tell from my professionally photo-aged avatar, I obviously qualify.


*Though technically labeled “My Profile”, keep in mind that the following is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.

…But especially person.


The 5 (+2) People You Meet On Cougared.Com


1. The Headless Casanova.


2. The “Poet Turned ESL” Guy

3. The “I’m Allergic To Pants” Guy


4. The Misogynist

5. Guy Most Likely To End Up On “To Catch A Predator Predator”


6. Mr. Cynical


7. The “One”



  1. You are the hottest cougar ever. I hope you don’t mind if I scavenge your leftovers. Particularly that of Allergic to Pants man. RAAAOOOOWR.

    • Thanks, singlegirlie. Unfortunately, considering the fact that you would be considered out of their league in the first place (which explains why they’ve resorted to more unconditional mommy-type love), I doubt my leftovers would seem enticing. Or even edible, for that matter…

  2. I wish I had as much luck with the cub-men as you! I’m sad Justin Beiber didn’t fall into your trap.

    Please continue this series, I will study your techniques in hopes of snagging/grabbinb/tea-bagging/sand-trapping a man.

    First lesson learned: stop tea-bagging men.

  3. Please tell me that 2012 picture is the profile pic you used. Because then I would have hope that these boys were really looking for a true love and not just a mommy figure with lots of money. A girl’s gotta have hope, ya know. Um, what was this site again? You know, for research purposes.

    Also, I’m pretty sure this is what love feels like. Because, I wanna know what love is . . . I want you to show me.

    • Sadly, I didn’t think to photo-age my avatar until later. …Or, should I say thankfully, seeing as in that case Mr. “Whatever Bitch Your Loss” might have had a point…?

      When it comes down to it M, Love is a battlefield.

      Because, I mean well, obviously….

  4. I didn’t realize you were so qualified at Cougaring. And Cougar Poeting. Although, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised about that since you do run a successful Free Beats to Rap on business.

    • Exactly!
      Never put me in a box, C. And if you do put me in a box, never cut off my arms and keep me in your basement and call me Helena. (Only because I’m pretty sure nobody wants free beats to rap on from a homeless/armless cougar named Helena.)

  5. Ah, men, I can’t live as one…(well, obviously I can, sort of)… and you can’t shoot them… (well, obviously you could, if you really had to)… sigh…

  6. That was seriously some of the best poetry ever. If I were a 20 something boy I’d definitely go for you; balding women with stunned vagina expressions are super hot.

  7. Rich Crete says:

    Are you fer certin it were a man what shot yer paw? Cause I think ma niece ion law might a did it.

  8. Oh god, my sides hurt! ur so bad…

  9. These are all very quality suitors. If they all were in their banana hammocks, I’d be better equipped to help you make an informed decision.

    This was funny. You’re my favorite! You ARE an angel from heaven! Are you blushing? Wait, I better stop playing around or you’ll post this with my picture and make fun of me . . .

    • I AM blushing! And it’s for real this time! Mostly because you called me an angel from heaven, but also because you used the term “banana hammocks”.

  10. You are an angel from Heaven
    My people during Passover eat unleavened
    You don’t look Jewish, my mom’s gonna freak
    Cougar, come hither, and please be discreet.

  11. These are too freaking funny. It makes me wish I weren’t married so I could play this game too. Although I suppose there’s nothing stopping me from joining and posting since I’d rather perform my own surgery than actually meet any of these guys.

    • Personally, I think this game would be even MORE fun if you’re married. I mean, as long as your husband was an open-minded guy with a youthful-looking face and an avatar of himself wearing nothing but a pervy grin and a strategically-placed bed sheet…

      (Otherwise, maybe not so much.)

  12. Just brilliant, as ever! Stunned vagina look, that will give me giggles for days when I think of it.

  13. Here is what is sad. Women all over the world who are on would love to have a guy reply…you set up a fake profile and get tons. Maybe you need to go into business writing dating profiles.

    • Yes, I can only imagine how jealous these women must be.

      I only hope they don’t come after me, otherwise I might have to get ‘Panhedonist’ to tea-bag them to death…

  14. Always thought that ‘cougarhood’ wasn’t acquired until over the age of 50, but it looks from this well-researched study that the desire to score with younger men is the more significant factor. Another interesting facet well noted here is that many cougar targets/pursuers are egregiously bad spellers. Apparently this is not yet bred out of the species.

    You should know about the Botched Plastic Surgery Class Action Lawsuit of 2012. Or your 2012 avatar should. Many of the litigants have been awarded their full, grotesquely extravagant claims. Some have merely asked to get their Diane Keaton ca 1968 looks back.

  15. Oh snap..jude8 got served..
    Cuz, B used his own game….
    to pwn the old perv……..

    • OMG Rod, is that really you?
      I recognize your name, and your avatar, too!
      If it’s identity theft then I will have to sue.
      ps. Pwning is my schtick, you know this is true.

  16. Too funny. Thanks.

  17. I hope that you and “The One” are enjoying each other. LOL. I loved the messages exchanged on dating sites. My best friend has some great e-mails from guys on Amazing post!

    • The bad news is that I haven’t heard from “The One” since. BUT, the good news is that I recently signed up on a nudist-friendly dating site, where I’ve found hundreds of other potential “The Ones”!

      Not to brag, but naked guys really bring out my stunned vagina expression….

  18. The skillz! The skillz! *fits of jealousy* Can you teach me so I can be beautiful heaven-sent cougar one day too??

    • You don’t need my help, Nikki. All you need is internet access and a severe case of insomnia-the symptoms of which include an uncontrollable urge to amuse yourself in unconventional ways– and you’re good to go!

  19. I’m never this lucky on dating sites. Gawd, I envy you!

    • I know, right? You know, sometimes I feel bad for older single women who aren’t lonely/wealthy enough to attract a lazy, unemployed boy whose only goal in life is to find a sugar momma to take care of him.

      But only sometimes.

  20. Reminds me of a game my bestie and I play via msn on sleepless nights. Its called “trawl dating sites and find the most pathetic/laughable/naked photo, or the most arrogant/grammatically incorrect/psychotic profile. Provides us with much laughter.

  21. I just haven’t stop laughing, you must be the most fantastic cougar on the planet. Aliens must see from afar and say : DAMN!

    Kidding, I just enjoy your blog a lot, congratulations!!!

  22. I’ve had this ongoing debate with friends about what the man in the cougar relationship is. You say cub, which makes sense in a way, but that’s like a kid to the cougar. What about gazelle, deer, or elk — because those are prey to the cougar. I’m over thinking this for no good reason. Bless you for showing those desperate little men some attention.

  23. Holy crap! I’ve been laughing out load the whole time reading that. I think you should add to your profile a love of Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. That should weed out the losers.

  24. I want to be young again so I can date a cougar like you. At my age, cougars look more like kitties.

  25. I want to date a Cougar, but everytime I jump over the fence at the zoo security chases me away. Dont know what I am doing wrong here. Need some guidance. Oh women are cougars??? so what are men..emu’s?????? zman sends

    • Ha! Well, Z I guess it would depend on the man. True story, I once knew an Environmentalist who looked like an alpaca.

      (Kind of like this, only with a bushier unibrow.)

      Apparently he thought razors were harmful to the environment.

  26. Very late to the party but just read this and laughed my pants off (not literally). You made an awesome Cougar girl, and what fun!

  27. Always at your wittiest and I’m never disappointed… Have a great day!


  1. […] excuse.  I’ve been busy corresponding with/falling in love with one of the guys from this post, whom I met while trolling a cougar-friendly dating […]

  2. […] In an effort to attract a more respectable list of cougar-loving suitors  than last time (no offense Jude81/love of my life), I updated my cougar-friendly […]

  3. […] Fatal Attraction) ours has a beginning, middle and end. (Also a prologue, which you can read here, under the section titled “Poet Turned-ESL […]

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