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Because I’m a sucker for true love, I spend most of my free time surfing websites that specialize in the sale of mail order brides.

Call me batsh*t crazy, but there’s something about the idea of logging onto PayPal and having your soul mate arriving via UPS shipment two weeks later that I find almost serendipitous.

Sadly, not all of these 110-280 lb. packages are serious about finding the wealthy stranger of their dreams. Many of these women are actually scam artists, using their fondness for woody perennials and aversion to fashionable clothing to lure in lonely foreign men.

So, in an effort to help future foreign wife consumers, I’ve come up with a game I like to call “Return To Sender”.

The rules are simple:

1. Look at the following mail order bride profiles.
2. Pick out the one you think isn’t really a mail order bride.
3. Scroll to the bottom of the page for answer.

Winners will receive 50$ off their next Russian Amputee* Mail Order Bride. (Click here to see options.)

*Please note- All amputees come fully-limbed.

PS. Since the answer is at the bottom of this post, naturally I will be going by the honor system.

Good Luck!

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Mail Order Bride Profiles

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Nature Lover Seeks Same

Name: Svetlana
Age: 41
Likes: Trees, Gardening
Dislikes: Narcissism, Guys asking if the carpet matches the drapes
Looking For: My ‘Soil’ Mate

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Do You Be-Leaf in Magic?

Name: Magic
Age: 33
Likes: Trees, TLC’s ‘Craft Wars’
Dislikes: Vanity, Leaf blowers
Looking For: Not picky

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“I SAID, HOW YOU LIKE THESE APPLES???”

Name: Julia
Age: How old do I look?
Likes: Trees, Personal space
Dislikes: Close talkers
Looking For: A reasonably priced Photoshop course

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Big Heart, Small Bladder

Name: Natalya
Age: 27
Likes: Trees, Long walks in the countryside, Super Big Gulps
Dislikes: Public bathrooms
Looking For: Some privacy

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I Love The Morning Wood

Name: Ekaterina
Age: 29 (at heart)
Likes: Horny Lumberjacks, A pulse
Dislikes: Splinters, Nature Walks of Shame
Looking For: My dignity

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I Love The Trees

Name: Ok
Age: LOL
Likes: Yes
Dislikes: Seven
Looking For: An English Translator

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I Eat The Trees

Name: Alena
Age: 23
Likes: Salad
Dislikes: Utensils, Quantum Mechanics
Looking For: A splash of vinaigrette

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I Am Tree!

Name: Tatiana
Age: Tree Age
Likes: Tree Juice, Whatever other things trees like
Dislikes: Interventions, People who say they’re trees but really they’re not
Looking For: My meds

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LOOKITMEIMDOINGTHISTHING!

Name: Anna
Age: 34
Likes: Flowers, Jamming on my squeezebox
Dislikes: Hecklers, Nirvana song requests
Looking For: A new schtick

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I Want To Feel Your Branches From The Inside


Name: Luba
Age: 27
Likes: Trees, R&B Music
Dislikes: Park Rangers, Unrequited love, Trees that don’t call when they say they will
Looking For: Just one more night

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Just A Simple Girl…

Name: What do you want it to be?
Age: Is just a number
Likes: Just simple girl stuff
Dislikes: Drama, Tweezers, When people ‘like’ their own Facebook status
Looking For: Love, in all the wrong places

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To find out which of these brides is a fake, scroll to bottom of page.

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Answer: Obviously Tatiana is not really a mail order bride.

She’s a tree.

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Comments

42 Comments

Post a comment
  1. June 22, 2012

    Svetlana’s hair looks like something they would still be cleaning up at Chernobyl.

  2. June 22, 2012

    Why would anyone pay for a mail order bride? Obviously, if you wander around in the forest long enough with a dart gun full of tranquilizers, you’ll run into one in the wild. BOOM – free bride.

    • June 23, 2012

      Exactly! Sometimes I wonder if they think American men are all like Grizzly Adams.

      I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t always think that. Just sometimes.

  3. Amy #
    June 22, 2012

    Where can I get one of those fancy leaf-hats? I feel like if I had one of those, I’d have the confidence necessary to start dating again. LET’S DO THIS.

    • June 23, 2012

      I’m making us matching ones as we speak. (I hope you’re not jealous, but mine has a horn.)

  4. June 22, 2012

    i swear i almost choked on my salad…hilarious….

    • June 23, 2012

      Thanks, Jacky. To be honest, that’s my biggest concern for Alena…

  5. June 22, 2012

    Those trees are going to press charges. Trees are like that.

    • June 24, 2012

      I know, right? I blame Environmentalists for always trying to hug them.

  6. June 22, 2012

    When I read your blog my kids are always napping and I have to stifle my laughter, so it kind of sounds like I am Ekaterina having a splinter removed from my arse cheek.
    Brilliant, as usual for the modern day strolling minstrel’s daughter. I’m a fan. I will totally let you sign my boob when we meet.

    • June 24, 2012

      Really? Sweet!! I promise to use my quill with the rounded tip.

  7. June 22, 2012

    I don’t like playing “Post Office” with mail-order brides. I give her a “special delivery” and she complains about my “dead letter.”

    • June 24, 2012

      That probably has more to do with the fact that only geriatrics send letters by post anymore.

  8. June 22, 2012

    I’m sorry, but did you actually stumble across a sexy tree-molester bride site? Because from all trees everywhere, I am highly offended and feel used and abused by these ladies. And to have one of them strip me naked and wear my clothes on her head? I feel so dirty.

    • June 25, 2012

      You know, there really should be a Tree Abuse Hotline. Maybe I can use my “Eddie Bauer Preferred Customer” status to pull some strings.

      Until then, if you need to talk, call me. I’m here to help.

  9. June 22, 2012

    Reblogged this on 1 Million Reblogs.

  10. June 23, 2012

    Man, i was really convinced Tatiana was genuine

    • June 25, 2012

      You weren’t the only one, NM. It was her inverted jazz hands that fooled me.

  11. June 23, 2012

    This lovesick comedy is wonderful. Also maybe diagnostic. There is recurring theme of wood …

    I hope that you’re profiting from your amazing sense of humour.

    • June 25, 2012

      The Russians named a tree after me, if that means anything.

      (And by “the Russians” I mean “me”.)

      • June 26, 2012

        Oh, Right, you must mean the boner tree. It only grows in Chernobyl. Upside down with its roots to the sky. Or something like that … It must be quite an honor to have a tree named after you. Yet another reason to admire you.

        • June 29, 2012

          I prefer to call it the “Always up for a good time” tree.

          (Mostly because it’s the only way I can sleep at night.)

  12. June 23, 2012

    These are my brand of women. Too hard to decide. One is trying to kiss a horse and two are trying to screw trees.

    • June 25, 2012

      I’m not going to lie, at first I thought the horse pic was an ad for another Tori Spelling Movie of The Week.

  13. June 23, 2012

    You are batshit crazy. See I did it. THERE!

    I thought Julia was a tree lover until I saw Ekaterina riding that log. BUT then I saw Luba (who might need some more Luba) and realized those two were just posers.

    • June 25, 2012

      HA! Why can’t I stop laughing at your Luba joke?

      Oh right. Because I’m batshit crazy.

  14. June 24, 2012

    You are amaze balls. and i’ve missed you incredibly.

    I’ve been too busy freaking out about turning 30 tomorrow. i gave the blog a makeover, since i couldn’t afford one for my own face.

    I”m back, for the most part. And i’ve missed you’re site so terribly that i almost posted a Craigslist missed connection ad.

    • July 4, 2012

      I’ve missed you too! So much so that I almost answered a Craigslist missed connection ad! Okay, maybe the two aren’t related. But still. That doesn’t make you any less my cyberboo.

      (I have no idea what that means.)

  15. June 25, 2012

    All kinds of awesomeness, I read your blog because you look into these things for me. Why all the trees? Who cares, it’s funny!

    • July 4, 2012

      Exactly! Trees are funny! Especially the mockernut tree.

      Er, I think I need another Redbull…

  16. June 29, 2012

    I just discovered your blog and am so happy that I did. You are insanely funny. I am an instant fan!

    • July 4, 2012

      Thanks, Mimi! To be fair, I did get most of my material from Mother Nature.

  17. June 30, 2012

    I am glad to see that Russian women are so outdoorsy! Bet outdoorsy even better in Russian winter!

    • July 4, 2012

      They really are! Not to mention the fact that their ushankas really bring out their eyes.

  18. July 1, 2012

    Hilarious! Thanks for this!

    • July 9, 2012

      I only wish the Russians felt the same way. Judging from my inbox, they don’t take kindly to people mocking their love of nature/wealthy older men.

      Thanks for stopping by, LMPB.

  19. July 4, 2012

    Hilarious as always.
    1. Is “I Love The Trees” the one on the left or the right?
    2. Do any of these come with a return policy?

    • July 9, 2012

      1. I’ll say the right. (Only because I’m pretty sure the one on the left is Tori Spelling.)
      2. Good question! I’m guessing the answer is no, though they may offer an exchange with receipt.

  20. July 5, 2012

    I just found your blog: love it! Following : )

    • July 9, 2012

      Thanks Cakes and Shakes. ps. I love how your name incorporates two of my favorite things, like ever.

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