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*Male judges only

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As many of you may recall, recently I fell in love.

We met online, when I signed up on a dating site exclusively for cougars seeking younger men. Since I’m definitely NOT a cougar and calling Jude81 a man would be pushing it, it’s safe to say the odds were against us from the start.

But somehow we’ve managed to stay together, and as soon as I save enough money to help him save the orphans (oh yeah, did I mention that he owns his own orphanage!), he promises that he will, quote-”Love you till death do us apart so baby when will you be sending your donation i have bought lot of lovely clothes,shoes and furniture, for the children.”

*You can read more of Jude81′s grammatically incorrect messages in my upcoming book, “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places,” available just as soon as I can find a publisher who’d be interested in that kind of thing.

Even though I wouldn’t trade Jude81 for a million Nigerian princes, the decision wasn’t easy. Throughout my alternative online dating journey  (which included trolling dating sites for MILFS, Nudists, Furries, Russian Brides-where I had to tweak my profile slightly in order to meet the 80 year old lonely Businessman with a Porsche requirement, etc.), I met dozens of eligible bachelors, all desperately vying for my affections/check book.

In an effort to help other lonely, single women with no street smarts find a reason to live, I’ve decided to post some of my sloppy seconds here. (Listed in order, from “Most Potential” to “A Misogynistic Cry For Help”.)

Try to keep in mind that while these may not be the most intelligent men you’ll meet online (or maybe they are, it’s not like I’d know), at least they’re not superficial. They don’t care about things like looks or age or personality or marital status or gender or whether or not you have a first name.

As long as you reek of desperation and/or make six figures a year, to them you’re the whole package.

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*FYI- In an effort to attract a more respectable list of cougar-loving suitors  than last time (no offense Jude81/love of my life), I updated my cougar-friendly profile

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Non-Cougar Biased Bachelors

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Comments

35 Comments

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  1. August 13, 2012

    The first guy looks like he is dropping a nine inch load.

    • August 14, 2012

      Believe it or not, I once dated a guy who played in a cover band with the same name.

      (Seriously, considering my definition of “qualified suitors” based on this post alone, you’d be crazy not to believe it.)

  2. joehoover #
    August 13, 2012

    you have the knack for making me wet myself laughing. I don’t suppose you’ve come across any sites where that kinda thing rocks peoples boats?

    • August 14, 2012

      No, thank goodness!

      But if I had, I’m guessing that it would be called Adult Diaper Dating and I would be the member with the giant pacifier in her mouth and a tagline that read “Pamper Me”.

      • August 15, 2012

        :-D Now I just want to see the resulting exchanges

        • August 15, 2012

          Technically, I only changed him once.
          But if you watch the video, I think you’ll agree that once was more than enough.

  3. August 13, 2012

    I think John might be the one for you. Just don’t turn your back on him. That might not end well for you.

    • August 14, 2012

      I know. Call me a cynic, but he seems like the type of guy who would take my heart and then turn around and stab me in the back.

      Only in reverse order.

  4. August 13, 2012

    I rode an Ottoman hard once. That’s all it took.

    • August 14, 2012

      Before I came along, my ottoman was just an ottoboy.

      • elizabeth3hersh #
        August 14, 2012

        I, too, rode an Ottoman, but soon replaced him with a Hapsburg who was a bit friskier.

        • August 15, 2012

          Don’t you mean a lot friskier? From what I hear, the last time it saw any serious action was back in the 17th century.

  5. August 13, 2012

    I think you may be an honorary lawyer. “Confusing love with gainful employment” indeed. You really need to simplify your qualifications for that elusive perfect man. I would suggest simply the three words: heterosexual, solvent and literate. Anything more than that is greed. And also maybe, a pulse. With some of the places you are going, I am pretty sure the pulse requirement may be necessary to include.

    • August 17, 2012

      Good advice as always! Question, though, by solvent, do you mean dissolves easily in water? Because those men are really hard to come by. Usually I’m forced to hold their head under water until they stop breathing…

      Er, I mean nothing.

  6. August 13, 2012

    Guy #1 is being modest. He looks to be 12″ at least. Too bad about that spinal condition. Ethan appears to be fluent in conversational Spammish. In case you forgot, the nickname for the name John is “Jack”. If you date him, wear kevlar.

    • August 17, 2012

      Ha! Come to think of it, that would give me a reason to wear my kevlar teddy…

  7. August 13, 2012

    Your first problem is your grammar. U need to speak more legibly and give us smiles a chance 2 get 2 no u.

    Remember when spam consisted of ‘sucky sucky, five dolla?’ It was a scam back then, as you would normally lose your wallet, but at least it felt more…. I dunno… honest.

    Have you tried farmersonly.com? I know those corn-fed boys have to HAVE TO be more eloquent than these rubes…

    • August 17, 2012

      Believe it or not, my profile was denied from farmers only. I can only assume that my inexperience when it comes to milking cows was a real turn-off.

  8. August 14, 2012

    I’m so glad you have at long last found your man. I’m sure the orphanage game keeps him busy, but I’m sure he’ll make time to pleasure you and stuff.

    • August 17, 2012

      I’m sure he will, too. Otherwise he wouldn’t say things like, “My love for you is undefinable, because my love is so special and she want a special kind of love that has not being known by anybody.”

  9. August 14, 2012

    The ultimate irony is that John actually kills all his victims with a gun.

    • August 17, 2012

      I know, right! The even ultimater(?) irony is that it’s an iron gun!

      *insert long, awkward silence here*

  10. foxydork #
    August 14, 2012

    “Ilike see your beautyful country” BWAHahahhaaa! Or cuntry, perhaps, or green card. All creepers, as most are anyway.

  11. August 14, 2012

    The first guy reminds me of a story I heard about a twelve-inch pianist. Due to his lack of height, he had a hard time tickling the ivories.)

    Perhaps you can write my single ad. I seem to have a hard time luring the ladies. My current ad:

    “SWM searching for beautiful woman for bland chat and firm handshakes.”

  12. August 14, 2012

    I have a fake Plenty of Fish profile that I use when I am bored and feel like playing around with douchey men. One guy was messaged me and told me that “You will be mine and once you see me there will be no other man for you” He was a 5’4 bald man with a very large waistline. I am a 6’2 redhead with slightly higher standards. So I replied back with, ” Hey Ollie, I reckon you are right, You ARE the man for me! Just one thing, does it bother you that I am a Tranny? Because the last couple of men I have met on here have been rather annoyed for some reason when we go to have sex. Personally I think it was because I had a bigger penis”. His reply… “Do you have a photo”…. There are some freaks out there…

  13. August 15, 2012

    Whoa. I would totally date all of these guys. If I were insane. Or Ann Coulter.

  14. August 15, 2012

    Always go for the guy who can’t spell who use correct grammar. He will fill your days with underwhelming love.

  15. August 15, 2012

    I think that the last guy, Rob, is confusing love with the scene from Alien where the creature bursts out of the crewman’s chest.

  16. thatdarngirl.blogspot.com #
    August 16, 2012

    So your saying there still hope…uuuuu I degress

  17. August 17, 2012

    I’m still laughing out loud. It’s good to know someone else thinks her hands are her best feature.

  18. August 17, 2012

    How do you choose, with such talent out there? Almost makes me wish I was single again. No wait, scratch that – I’m happily married!

  19. August 22, 2012

    Bwwaaaha! A-quiver with glee at finding thee! I wish they would make a musical out of this post. I’m already casting your stable of mens in my head!

  20. September 12, 2012

    Wow! Does Jude know what kind of competition he was up against?

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