Info

This is part two of a three part story. To read part 1, click here.

So, just to recap: A few months ago, while trolling an online dating site for cougars (solely for research purposes), I met a man named Jude81. While normally I’m not attracted to homely-looking broke guys with poor grammar and no personality, my insomnia-triggered curiosity told me I should give him a chance.

Over time, I discovered that we actually had a lot in common: He’d recently undergone a mysterious operation, I recently considered vaginal reconstruction surgery.  He owns his own orphanage, I own a limited edition VHS tape of the movie “Annie”. He was under the impression that I was a filthy rich cougar, I lied about being a filthy rich cougar.

Obviously, it was fate.

If we were celebrities, our name would be “JuBea”.

When I left off in the last post, my future husband had just invited me to come celebrate the 7th anniversary of his London orphanage. He said not only would I have the honor of being “the biggest guest of the day,” I would also be giving a speech of love and hope to the orphans.

The only stipulation being that I first needed to show the children “fresh love from the United States,” in the form of a large monetary donation.

Unfortunately, because my man suffers from relationship-related insecurities, when I didn’t get back to him right away he started getting anxious. (See below.)

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 6 Jul

Did i say anything to offend you forgive me, when first party makes a mistake the second party to correct the mistake not getting angry or replying to her lovers mail that is not fair my love. don’t let the children down they wait for you to show them fresh love.

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 6 Jul

LOL of course you didn’t offend me, hobgoblin! I’ve just been busy working on my hope and love speech for the orphans.

Okay, so here’s what I have so far:

Hey orphans!

My name is Bea. I’m sure you’ve heard a lot about me from your guardian angel, or as I like to call him, my “object in mirror is grosser than it appears”. We met on a dating site for older women seeking younger men. Ironic, I know, since appearance-wise he looks at least ten years older my Dad. But like I always say, love doesn’t discriminate against age. Or unflattering comb-overs for that matter.

That’s as far as I got.

I was thinking I could also throw in a few jokes, like maybe one about two orphans who walk into a bar because they don’t have parents to tell them they’re not allowed to do that.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts.

Loving you blindly (because it’s the only way I can),
precious jewel angel baby

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 6 Jul

Baby that is cool but no for the jokes the joke is not okay, but the speech is lovely.

did you get the bank details i sent to you i need to get some furnitures for the orphanage please my love the aniversary is next weekend. this is where to make your Donation:

Branch Banking and Trust Company
450 North Pine Island Rd.,Plantation FL 33324
Account Name: Worldwide Hope Ltd. Corp.,
Number: 0000240247852

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 7 Jul

Why didn’t you tell me the anniversary is next weekend? Will you be meeting me at the airport or are you going to arrange for a car to pick me up? Just tell the driver I’ll be the one with the bright pink suitcase and ginormous cameltoe. He can’t miss me.

I think I’ll just bring the donation with me. That way I don’t have to bother with all that confusing bank stuff. Usually my butler does all my banking, but he’s an orphan too and I don’t want him to think I’m rubbing it in his face.

Just a few more days till we finally meet!
your love baby

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 7 Jul

Baby if your butler is an orphan he will be glad to do this please i don’t want to disappoint the kids, i postponed the aniversary i don’t want the children to feel bad.
just follow the step and everything will be easy.

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 8 Jul

Why would I want the anniversary postponed? The sooner it comes, the less time I have to wait to have your flaccid arms wrapped around me.

You should know I would never disappoint the orphans (granted, it’s not like I wouldn’t be justified, since they disappointed me first by not having a sense of humor).

As you can tell by the attached photo, the money is sitting on my bed, ready to be packed. (I put a baby orphan on top so I don’t forget what it’s for.)

.

Don’t quit your day job,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 7 Jul

Then baby send your donation so that everything will be done as
soon as possible.
If this banking details is too difficult for you, let me know so i
send you another one please baby send YOUR DONATION as soon as possible.

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: Bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel3@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love…
Date: 7 Jul

Fine. If it’s that important to you, I’ll send it first thing in the morning.

I was thinking, maybe the problem isn’t that the orphans don’t have a sense of humor, but that they’re unfamiliar with the bar scene. I think I’ve come up with a gag they’ll actually appreciate.

I will walk out on stage with a Darth Vader mask covering my face. Without saying a word, I’ll grab the mic and start making heavy breathing sounds. After around five minutes, you’ll tap me on the shoulder and be like “Um, can I help you?” and that’s when I’ll pull out my lightsaber stabbing you in the chest.

Just when things can’t get any more tense, I’ll point to an orphan in the crowd and say in a really deep voice, “Luke, I am Your Father.”

All I need you to do is make sure there’s an orphan named Luke around. I’ll take care of the rest.

Consider this a placeholder,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 8 Jul

Yes my love there is luke he is the oldest child so that joke is welcomed. Baby as soon as you send your donation please informed me my love is a special kind of love that has not being known by anybody.

Lot of Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 9 Jul

I was just thinking, what if instead of the Star Wars parody we performed a dramatic reenactment of our love story?

We could be sitting on opposite ends of the room pretending that we’re typing on a computer. We can even pre-record our voices  then play it back so it’s like they can hear what we’re thinking. (The last part has nothing to do with the play, I’ve just always wanted to do that.)

Either that, or we coud recreate the scene from Annie where they dance around the room with mops singing “It’s a hard knock life.” Then, at the end of the song I could punch you really hard in the face and knock you out.

I know that kids with parents would totally appreciate the irony.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 9 Jul

Honey there is no time i have a story to tell the children about us i hope you will like. the orphans are so happy they can’t believe it as soon as you send your donation please get me informed My Angel you are so lovely your love is surpassing mine for the orphans so the orphans have better life.

Hugs & Kisses,
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Good News!
Date: 12 Jul

Guess what, my loaf! I just found someone who is willing to donate another $20,000 to the orphanage!His name is Donny Warbucks and he’s super rich. His son was an orphan, so he feels a real connection to kids without parents.

Thanks to Donny, I was finally able to have my labiaplasty.

My doctor said that the swelling won’t go down for at least a month. But the good news is that as long as I use a crueller cushion (it’s like a donut cushion only instead of hemorrhoids it’s for your labia) I can still come to the anniversary!

I promise, as soon as my labia is healed we will be able to love each other like totally hardcore.

Said I Love You But I Lied,
Queen baby

Ps. I’d appreciate it if you would tell the orphans not to look at me below the waist. I’m extremely self-conscious and kids can be cruel. (Especially orphans.)

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 12 Jul

am sorry to hear that you had a surgery but sadly am very disappointed i don’t believe you are telling me this.  first you are on your way to the bank, Secondly you found a man that will send a donation of $20,000
It is not fair for me to be disappointed after all your promises to me.

Regards,
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 13 Jul

Muffinneck,

I feel like we aren’t communicating well. Whether it’s my complicated two-syllable words or your inability to figure out Google Translator, I don’t know. But I’m getting mixed signals.

Speaking of disappointment, you didn’t even tell me how excited you are about my new and improved nether regions. Maybe you would be happier if I’d gotten a cankle lift instead.

How do we fix this?  Not just for us, but for the children?

Didn’t We Almost Have it All,
b

Pps. Donny Warbucks says before he can give you the money, he needs you to send him a picture of the orphans. He needs it for tax purposes.

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 14 Jul

fine i have send you some of the pics

Orphans 1

Orphans 2

baby if your donation cannot be send today let me know. baby Don is making everything difficult is trying to come between us baby i really love you and is high time you show me back your love.

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 14 Jul

The orphans are beautiful, just like I knew they’d be since they don’t share your genes.

I have some bad news. Turns out Donny Warbucks’ money is tied up in fishing wire and it will take at least a month before the bank is able to untangle it.

The only way he can access the funds sooner is by bribing a bank official. All he needs is $5,000 and he can have the money by tomorrow.

Do you think you could give a loan, my love? It will only be for a few hours, the orphans won’t even know it’s missing.

Let me know and I will arrange for the money transfer.

I’d almost rather be watching Craft Wars (almost),
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 14 Jul

Baby stop giving me alot of stories i don’t have any money and you know
that. when you are ready to send your donation get me informed the children are disappointed at you.

Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 15 Jul

I love those orphans more than anything. Hell, if I wasn’t so vain they would have had the money ages ago.

What about the money you got from the other donor? Just sign the cheque over to Donny Warbucks and he’ll have it back to you before you know it.

Praying That You Never Quit Your Day Job,
B
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 15 Jul

Baby this is the tenth time am asking you this, am seeing you don’t even care for me or for the orphans. We where happy until Don shows up who is Don to you?
now you are not the biggest guest of the day keep your speech and everything to yourself.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 15 Jul

Baby, I know you’re disappointed. I hate seeing you this way (or any way, for that matter), so I asked Mr. Warbucks if there was anything we could do.

He said there is one other option. But first, you need to send him the following items:

-Duct tape
-Rope
-A semi-automatic pistol
-Panty hose, to wear over his head
-A ski mask, to wear over his head during the actual robbery
-A getaway plan
-Laugh tracks (for comic relief)
-A British accent
-A horse, so if the police question his whereabouts he can say “I went to see a man about a horse.”
-A man (see above)
-A set of knob and bollocks, easy on the bollocks
-Pickled onion crisps (okay, so technically these are for me)
-Yorkshire (pudding, not terrier)
-A tosser (only because he’s too lazy to toss himself)
-The Queens’ wave
-Limited Edition Princess Diana commemorative plate (for my mom)

Just send the items via overnight courier and Donny will take care of the rest.

Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,
Baby (with special guest Jefferson Starship)

*****

Will Donny Warbucks save the day?
Do laugh tracks even exist anymore?
How long does it take for a labia to heal, anyway?

Find out next week, when I post the final installment of “Hey, Jude.”- A Love Story

Comments

31 Comments

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  1. September 6, 2012

    Just when I think I can’t possibly laugh any harder at anything more after I read your blog then you just go and surpass yourself, Shit, I sound like Jude now (but better looking and don’t care for orphan’s..or any kids)

    • September 9, 2012

      Trust me, there’s no way you could ever sound like Jude. Your grammar alone would be enough to make me pull out my check book and give you the money I was saving for my cankle lift.

  2. September 7, 2012

    Initially I got as far as “JuBea” and then had to stop I was laughing so hard. Was a good five minutes before I could continue! The orphans are beeeautiful. But I’m worried, is this going to end badly?

    • September 9, 2012

      I wish I could reassure you, but I have the feeling that you might be right.
      (Granted, that’s probably just because I know how it ends.)

  3. Rod #
    September 7, 2012

    Zoinks, B. If it weren’t for those meddling kids…..
    There are so many pearls of awesome in this but my favorites are…. “Didn’t we almost have it all”
    and ” send me a getaway plan and a British accent” ……. that’s just good funny right there.

    Keep shining on….

    • September 10, 2012

      “Zoinks” is my new favorite word.

      ….It’s also my old safe word, which is why I know I’ll be able to remember it.

      • Rod #
        September 11, 2012

        Yeowch!! is my old safe word… My new one is ctrl+alt+delete….. Maybe I need to get out more?

  4. Mike C #
    September 7, 2012

    Stop-it hurts to laugh so much!!!!!! You REALLY need to publish a book of humor filled with this sort of thing. You’ll be a gagillionaire! Love ya–keep us rolling in the asiles!

    • September 10, 2012

      Thanks for the compliment, Mike. Your enthusiasm is so contagious that I finally decided to sit down and read my blog for myself. And guess what? Turns out I’m my own #1 Fan!

      (I know a lot of people say they’re #1 Fans but in my case it’s true.)

  5. September 7, 2012

    I can hear the cute little orphan in the white shirt from pic 2 singing God Save The Queen now. Brings tears to my eyes.

    • September 10, 2012

      As the girl in pink on the far left sings a song she wrote herself, both the title and lyrics consisting solely of the words “Stranger Danger”.

  6. September 7, 2012

    i really love you and is high time you show me back your love.

    That was the classic post. You should call that bank and ask them about the account and say there is possible fraud going on with it and the feds should be contacted. haha

    • September 10, 2012

      One step ahead of you, Bearman. I already got the Canadian Mounties involved.

      Trust me when I say the ensuing low speed chase (Jude waddling ahead and desperately gasping for air as the RCMP’s horses galloped leisurely behind him) was something you had to see to believe.

  7. September 7, 2012

    And he didn’t even tell you which kid is Luke! I think he’s the Spiderman peeking in the second photo.

  8. September 7, 2012

    O vaginally reconstructed queen of online dating cougar sites, I waited so long with baited breath between parts 1 and 2 that my breath has since become un-baited. It pains me only that someone actually falls for these scams. (Actually, it pains me only that I didn’t get there first.)
    With hugs & kisses, I await part 3.

    • September 11, 2012

      I agree. What bothers me most is that these scammers actually seek out sites where they know they’ll find lonely, naive women who are susceptible to this kind of thing.

      Yet for some reason they’re not intelligent enough to know the difference between “sweety” and “sweaty.”

  9. September 8, 2012

    I’m really starting to think that there are no orphans and that you are not a rich older lady. Say it ain’t so, Bea.

    • September 11, 2012

      “It ain’t so, Bea.”

      *insert laugh tracks here*

      • September 14, 2012

        WordPress wouldn’t let me insert the laugh track. :(

        • September 16, 2012

          What about the *tap, tap tap* Is this thing on?

  10. September 8, 2012

    for some reason “show them fresh love” gets me every time.
    Your would be lover’s exceptional grasp of grammar made my night. Can’t wait to see how this ends!

    • September 11, 2012

      I know, right? If only he knew how stale my love really is…

  11. September 9, 2012

    Nobody puts Baby in a corner! I am so proud from you now my upper regions are falling off from my neck because of the laughing. The tears from the laughing now threatening are short-circuit my keybrr&*gd GRPH*** s

    • September 16, 2012

      Ha! If only Jude felt the same way. (Mostly because I wouldn’t have had to spend so much time summarizing his long-winded messages.)

  12. September 10, 2012

    This ‘Hey Jude’ is a thousand times better than listening to Paul McCartney croak out the song.

    • September 16, 2012

      You should read it with my tambourine accompaniment!

  13. September 12, 2012

    Where do you find these wonderful con artist boys of yours? Each one is awesomer than the one before.

    • September 16, 2012

      Good question. I’m thinking it has something to do with my magnetic personality.
      That, or karma.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. “Hey, Jude.” -The End (Alt. title: Flogging a Dead Horse) – Just Making Convo

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