Info

*This is part 3 of a 3 part story. You can read read part 1 here, and part 2 here.

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So, here’s the story so far:

Girl meets boy. Boy falls in love. Girl wonders why boy has no chin. Boy tells girl he needs money for mysterious operation. Girl is indifferent. Boy is upset. Girl finds this understandable, given the fact that he has no chin. Boy asks girl to donate money to his London orphanage.  Girl gets labia surgery instead. Boy tells girl her to prove her love by sending the orphans “fresh love from the United States”. Girl can’t do this because she’s Canadian. Boy is annoyed. Girl says Donny Warbucks will donate $20,000 provided boy sends him photos of the orphans for tax purposes. Boy is pissed, but sends the photos anyway.

Girl sends boy the following message:

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: bad news
Date: 15 Jul

Sweathard, I have some bad news. These orphans are trying to scam you.

They would have gotten away with it, too, had it not been for those pictures you sent. When I showed them to Donny Warbucks, he thought the one in the Spiderman costume looked suspicious.

Turns out these supposed “orphans” have been traveling around to different orphanages, using their parentless status to get free furniture and clothes.

*****

Can you believe their nerve? I mean, how much fresh love does one orphan need?

I wonder what else they’ve been lying to you about. I bet Luke’s name isn’t even Luke, it’s probably Mortimer, or Jude81 or something stupid like that.

Just so you know, I’ve contacted the authorities and forwarded them our correspondence as well as the banking info. So you can expect a visit from the Canadian Mounties soon.

I know how devastating this must be for you. But try to look on the bright side. Your future wife’s vagina looks amazing!

Loose lips cause trips,
Bea

Ps. Let me know if you’re still good to meet me at the airport on the 20th.

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: bad news
Date: 15 Jul

Listen to me carefully am ready for anything you are coming with police or your lover Don on anything. my love for is beginning to die. You better disposed Don and face your future husband before it becomes too late for you.

Regards,
Jude

___________________________________________

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 23 Jul

You missed yesterday was so lovely gosh the children was so
happy, ohh hope you find true love in Don. i did not see your police men am suspecting you and Don take care of yourself.

Regards,
Jude
___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 23 Jul

Fishlips, I thought you said the anniversary was on the 20th?

Regardless, I’m glad to hear it went well. I only hope the kids didn’t take advantage of your generous nature by eating more than their share of cake, or sitting on the furniture for longer than their turn.

As for the police men, that must have been Donny’s doing. I haven’t heard from him since he told me he was gay.

Sometimes love just ain’t enough,
B
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 23 Jul

i told you the aniversary will hold you were the one who lied. don’t have those times to play i hope you marry Don so that he will show you endless love don’t want to get with a liar a person that is not stable with her words.
The renovation will not be completed yet if you want send your donation to the account i gave.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 24 Jul

I’m so glad you feel that way! I know it sounds silly, but for some reason I thought you’d be upset.

Tell me that you’ll come to our wedding. Since you’re the one who brought us together, it would only make sense that you be the biggest guest of the day.

(I’ll send you a copy of our gift registry asap.)

Sucks to be you,
B
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 24 Jul

Don is your new husband and i want it go to hell everybody got want they want crazy you.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 24 Jul

So…does that mean you won’t be attending the ceremony?

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

send me $5,000 then i will be there.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

What would you need $5,000 for?  I’ll just have my pilot fly you out, and you can stay at my 34,000 sq.ft. guest house overlooking the ocean. Trust me when I say the view  is breathtaking.

Just promise you’ll think about it. It would mean a lot to me if you were there.

Not really,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

Okay if you are not sending the money then forget it.
Goodbye.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

Oh, well, it’s probably for the best.

Sadly, Donny Warbucks and I broke up last night. Turns out his sexual preference was huge obstacle in our relationship.

I guess it’s my fault, for choosing my life partner based on looks, personality and intelligence. I should have listened to my heart and married you instead.

Where Does My heart Beat Now,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

You know i love you but you deceived me so much that i hated myself for falling in love, i still love you but before we can come back together you will have to send the donation you promise for the renovation of the orphanage that will be more acceptable.

Lot of Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 26 Jul

Baby,

I can understand why you felt that way. If it makes you feel any better, I hate you too. But being a 50-something cougar with the vagina of a 20 year-old, it’s not like I have the luxury to be picky.

I swear on your grave that I will never leave you again.  And just to prove how devoted I am, I want to give you something that I know both you and the orphans will appreciate.

Just be patient, I promise it will be worth it.

Loathe you so much it hurts,
Bxoxo

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 26 Jul

Until you do that for me and the orphans then you will be mine forever and my love will be renew towards you, i love you Below is the bank account information after you send your donation to the account, let me know so that the renovation will be complete as soon as possible.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 26 Jul

I don’t understand why they haven’t called? My butler assured me that he went to the bank on Friday. When Mr. Belvedere gets back from vacation he’s going to have some serious explaining to do.

On a more positive note, I think I’ve come up with an even better way to show the children fresh love from the United States.

It’s a poster I made, something that both orphans and American history buffs can relate to.

Let me know if they like it.

I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do You),
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 27 Jul

Baby your butler again, baby don’t play with my love for you if that is how you want to be behaving towards me fine why are you always deceiving me with all this donation thing. Print the transfer slip out and send it to me for confirmation i don’t understand what you are really trying to do again.

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Donation
Date: 1 Aug

Baby if you don’t have the exact money you can send anything that comes from your heart stop postponing everything, we would have met earlier but you turned everything done are you being truthful that is all i want to know please my love.

baby send the money through western union or bank account the orphanage really some renovation so please tell me will you be able to send the money by tomorrow. I love you and i truely miss you

Lot of Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 3 Aug

i have sent you a lot of messages now but no reply. Okay suit yourself

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 4 Aug

It hurts me that you think I wouldn’t respond to your messages.

You should know that I would never ignore an email, especially ones from the love of my life that for some reason always end up in my spam folder.

My heart is broken, Jude. And I have neither the strength nor the medical knowledge to fix it.

Beat It,
B

Ps. How did you like my poster, by the way? I assume the orphans found it entertaining? If not, then they obviously don’t have a sense of humor about their situation.

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 4 Aug

Baby we all like the poster, so baby when are you sending your donation,  Baby it is very important just let me know when you are sending the money and baby please let it be real this time.

I will be waiting for your next mail, please let it be positive. I hope my love by tomorrow you would have send the money as soon as possible.

From your love
Jayson

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 4 Aug

Wait, who is Jayson?  And why are you emailing me from my ex-lover’s email address?

Is this some kind of joke thought up by an incompetent con artist with horrible grammar and the inability to realize when it’s time to give up?

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 5 Aug

Stop it right there, is that what you wonna tell me. You are not really showing me love at all.  I have being giving you my all but you give me nothing.

am sorry for adding “jayson” so what is next my love are you sending the donation that is what i will be expecting from your next mail by tomorrow.

Love you

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 6 Aug

That’s okay.  I guess I just didn’t understand why after spending 80-ish years as Jude, you would suddenly refer to yourself as someone else.

I can only come up with one explanation for this behavior. I believe you are suffering from multiple personality disorder. It’s the only way to explain your erratic mood swings and irrational fear of punctuation.

No matter what, I’m here for you. (I’m talking to Jude, not Jayson). Your multiple personality disorder is my multiple personality disorder, so just let me how much the frontal lobotomy is and I will take care of it.

Just promise me you won’t tell Jayson about this. There’s something about him that I don’t trust.

B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 6 Aug

Baby i will be waiting for you to send your donation this is jude i chatted with jayson that day i mistakenly added his name to mine, Jayson is a silly guy that is getting me angry and i quarreled with him that lead to the mistakenly using of his name get it now.Okay my love

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 6 Aug

I can see why Jayson would make you angry. Even just looking at his beady eyes/giant forehead gives me the creeps.  I can only imagine what it would be like to have to share a body with him.

As promised, here is the transfer slip. (My printer broke down, so I had to write it out by hand.)

Promise that if Jayson so much as looks at it, you’ll punch him in the throat as hard as you can.

xoxoB

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 7 Aug

how can i use that transfer slip that is not real you know what you are not a woman of your word. I cant believe it you have being decieving me all this while now it is this a transfer slip that will lead to my arrest shame on you am very disappointed at you. The orphans are ashamed of you. Bye

****

Epilogue:

After Jude calmed down, he sent me a message saying that he would give me one more chance.  When I didn’t reply,  Jayson emailed me and accused me of being an orphan/Jude hater. Then Jude emailed me again, apologizing for Jayson’s unacceptable behavior.

As of today things are pretty much up in the air. 

.

**To read more about this fascinating love triangle, buy my sequel, “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places Part 2.” (Again, available in book stores just as soon as I find an agency willing to publish it.)

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Comments

28 Comments

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  1. September 14, 2012

    Such a tragic story. It rivals the heartache of Romeo & Juliet. But nothing good can come from a love affair with a two faced man. Especially when both of those faces look like Jude/Jayson. I am so sorry for your loss. But at least your labia got some fresh love. Silver lining?

    • September 16, 2012

      Or, in my case, panty lining!

      Wait, what?

  2. September 14, 2012

    Somehow, deep down in my heart, I knew things wouldn’t work out for the two of you. Yet, you got so close. I’m truly sorry.
    Hey, I hate to seem petty, but do you think you could ask Jude to send me back the food processor I sent along for your wedding gift? (Mine was the one filled with fresh love) I’ll give it to my auntie for xmas instead. Now there’s a woman who needs some fresh processed love.

    • September 16, 2012

      I’ll ask, but I have a feeling he’s using that fresh processed love to lure in his next victim.
      What’s your aunt’s email address? If things worked out, maybe Jude could be your uncle!

  3. September 14, 2012

    I am already trying to get the movie rights.
    Called “Sweathard.” To be followed by the sequel, “Sweatharder.”

    • September 16, 2012

      Hilarious! I’m already looking forward to the final installment, “Just Die Already!”

  4. September 14, 2012

    Stir the pot – tell Jude you love Jayson now. Either Jayson is your lover or no money for the orphans.

    • September 16, 2012

      Ha! Actually, I was thinking of going for Luke. Only because he has the least baggage.

  5. lisa pollard #
    September 14, 2012

    *wipes tears from eyes* That is quite possible the most beautiful and heartbreaking star crossed love story I’ve ever heard.

    • September 18, 2012

      I know, right? It’s like living out an Alanis Morrissette video, circa 1995.

  6. September 14, 2012

    :::: still dancing the Macorannie :::::

    • September 18, 2012

      Ha! Just wait until I show you the Olivieri Twist!

  7. September 14, 2012

    Greatest trilogy ever.

    Every woman can only hope to be given as many chances to be scammed as Jude gave you. You’re so lucky.

    • September 18, 2012

      A wise man once said, “Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may see is what you would have wanted had you not wanted that other thing you thought you wanted but ended up not getting because you got that other thing instead.”

      Or something like that. (As you can tell by my post, I don’t really associate with wise men.)

  8. September 15, 2012

    I was still hoping you would have called the real cops……Much better ending IMO>

    • September 18, 2012

      Are you implying that the RCMP aren’t real? Just because they wear funny hats and boots and ride horseback while engaging in high speed chases doesn’t mean they aren’t real, Bearman.

      It just means the perps have a much better chance of getting away.

  9. elizabeth3hersh #
    September 15, 2012

    You clearly got into his heart, and under his skin Bschooled. Time to say nah, nah, nah, nah, nah nah nah (trailing off….) goodbye.

    • September 20, 2012

      E!
      If only it were that simple. I just received another email, apparently Jude and Jayson have decided to give me another chance.

      I only hope that this time they really mean it.

  10. September 16, 2012

    I really enjoy how as he gets more and more frustrated with you, his grammar gets pretty much next to impossible to read. It’s really for the best that you pushed his buttons hard enough to reveal the multiple personality disorder. Best to know that as early as possible.

    • September 20, 2012

      I agree. It’s hard enough dealing with one testosterone-fueled personality, let alone two, both of which might actually be estrogen-fueled, given the unpredictable mood swings.

  11. Rod #
    September 17, 2012

    Shazzam! (my new safeword by the way) Bea….I think you should write this up as a screenplay and shop it out for the big screen, trilogy style, like Lord of the Rings but kinda different. Of course you’ll need a soundtrack so here are some tasty tunes that might just fit.
    1. From Herb Alpert – ‘This guys in Love with you”
    2. The Arctic Monkeys – ‘Do me a favour’
    3. Lionel Richie’s – ‘Stuck on you’
    4. Dan Hicks and the Hot licks – ‘Who Are You?’
    5. Finn Wang – ‘Never be anyone else but you’ ( see there, I typed Wang, cuz the guy’s name is Wang…I just lolled)
    6. And really this is the best one to really bring the whole thing together… Sinead O’conners
    ‘ Nothing Compares to ‘Jude’. I’m sure Sinead would be down for the rewrite and recording..I hear she’s a little desperate these days.

    You know, while I’m at it, I think Darryl Hammond would make a fine Jude….and maybe you could be played by Ann Hathaway…and Mary Tyler Moores labia?????

    Just thoughts……

    • September 24, 2012

      Rod! Your soundtrack suggestions are every kind of awesome I can think of, and then some! (The “and then some” being the part where you typed “Wang” and then lolled.)

      Dan Hicks and the Hot Licks sounds like a band name my latest internet conquest would have. I met him on a fetish dating site. Purely for research, of course.

      You’re right, Darryl Hammond would make the perfect Jude! Unfortunately, Mary Tyler Moore’s labia might be a little too wholesome for my character. I was hoping for something more along the lines of a Pamela Anderson/Steven Tyler hybrid.

      • Rod #
        September 27, 2012

        ” I was hoping for something more along the lines of a Pamela Anderson/Steven Tyler hybrid.”
        well…… Janice Dickinson it is.

  12. September 18, 2012

    He’s just gonna try and extract cash from another victim soon enough, luckily the demand for labiaplasty is higher than peoples love of orphans.

    • September 24, 2012

      True. Then again, it could just be a vain, uneducated woman’s way of showing orphans how to keep a stiff upper lip.

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