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My friends love taking pictures of me because I am extremely photogenic. Unfortunately I’m also self-effacing, which is why my enviable trait doesn’t reflect in their photos.

All of my biggest milestones  (My first steps, Graduation, the time I was caught in the backseat of Jason Miller’s Iroc which is also where I earned the nickname “Backseat Bschooled”), have been forever immortalized in photos of me channeling one of the following 3 personas:

1. The Demented Psychopath

2. The Stunned Vagina

3. The Gender-Undetermined Skeptic (see below)

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B’s Rule #17: Never trust a stranger who points a camera at you and asks you to say “cheese”.

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The condition is genetic. My sister suffers from a related disorder, known as “Camera Flash-Triggered Narcolepsy.”

She’s also a nurse. Thanks to the invasive paparazzi, L is prohibited from ever joining the cast of the upcoming reality show, “Defibrillating With The Stars”.

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Early Years

Even as a baby, her talent was obvious.

Even as a baby, her talent was obvious.

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Later Years

Warning: Do not try this at home.

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Modified catnap.

Modified catnap.

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To add to L’s list of marriage-hindering shortcomings, she has a habit of writing cryptic texts, like the one she sent a few weeks ago while 8 months pregnant.

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After several more probing texts in which I rephrased the question several different ways (“Does it mean that a miniature human being is preparing to leave the confines of your uterus?” “Do you feel like a smart car is trying to merge  your vagina?”), I was finally able to drag it out of her that yes, she was having her baby. Early the next morning, my mother and I embarked on the five hour road trip.

L lives in a small city in BC. Judging by the number of retirement homes we passed and the pictures displayed in the hospital corridors, it’s only getting smaller.

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Where being put out to pasture is fun again!

After taking down a gang of heavily medicated  geriatrics in the hospital parking lot (kind of like Shriners, only meaner and on mobility scooters),  my mother and I made our way to my sister’s room.

Because L wasn’t in active labor yet, the doctor decided to wait until the next morning to induce her. In the meantime, she was allowed to go home and pack her hospital bag.

L: *Handing me her car keys* You should drive.
Me: Right. Because I’m a much better driver.
L:  Or maybe because my amniotic fluid is all over the passengers’ seat.
Me: Isn’t that stuff supposed to go in one of those tube thingys under the hood?
L: Not transmission fluid. Amniotic fluid. You know, the stuff that gushes out of you when your water breaks?
Me: You mean water?
L: No. I mean amniotic fluid.
Me: *coughing* I see. Well, thanks for letting me know.  My non-childbearing hips wouldn’t survive the first trimester.
Sister: *looks at mom* Would you please explain to her that’s not how it works?
Mom: That’s not how it works.
Me:  Since when have you ever been pregnant?

The next morning, the nurse gave L something to induce her labor.

My mother and I tried to distract her from the pain. My mom talked about her own excruciating labors. I talked about myself.  My mom told her about the joys of postpartum depression. I imagined conversations between geriatrics on fast food flyers. I could tell by the way she was glaring at us that our plan worked.

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Just as I was about to rummage through my sister’s meal tray, the doctor announced that she was in full labor. For the next 30 minutes, I faded in and out of consciousness.

During that time, I vaguely remember hearing the following:

L- “I can’t do this!”
Doc- “You’ll be fine. Remember to take deep breaths.”

L- “Where’s my epidural?”
Dr.- “It’s too late. You’re fully dilated.”
Me- “I’m not fully dilated. Maybe you could give me the epidural and I can describe to her how it feels?”

 L- “I feel like you’re all up in my business.”

L- “There better not be any pics of my crotch on Facebook…”

L- “I don’t want to do this any more!”

L- “Give me some Vicodin, at least!”
Me- “Why don’t give me the Vicodin instead and I can describe to her how it feels?”

Dr.- “Try as hard as you can to push my fingers out!
Me- “Sorry to interrupt, but do you think I could get that Vicodin soon? No rush….”

Me/L- *horrific screaming sounds*

Dr.- “It’s a BOY!!!”

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Baby Ollie. A tiny bundle of pure perfection.

It’s true what they say. The minute I laid eyes on little O I forgot all about the pain I’d suffered during labor.

To commemorate the momentous occasion, I decided to give L a gift. Because I believe childbirth is a sham invented by baby companies to make money, instead I used my unparalleled photoshop skills to edit a picture of her and her baby.

Not only did it turn out perfectly, I also came up with an ingenious way to conceal her camera-flash triggered narcolepsy.

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**Note- It wasn’t until after posting it that I found out she was being sarcastic.

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Comments

35 Comments

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  1. December 5, 2012

    Congrats on becoming an aunt. I’m one, too. If you need any advice on proper posture/form when handing a crying baby back to your sister, just let me know.

    • December 6, 2012

      Thanks. It’s probably going to be a while, right now I’m still trying to figure out the proper posture/form for breast-feeding by proxy.

  2. December 5, 2012

    Sarcastic about what? I don’t understand. Those eyes are breathtaking!! I mean, the only thing that would enhance them would be some Transitions lenses eyewear. I figure you look like the kind of girl who would know where to procure such an item.

    Congrats, Auntie!!

    • December 6, 2012

      “Transitions® Lenses- Because Life’s Too Short To Wonder Where The Hell You Put Your Sunglasses.”

  3. December 5, 2012

    Oh congrats! He’s so sweet! I just wish that Doc hadn’t been such a cheap prick with the free drugs. I’m sure it would have made the experience much better for you.

    • December 6, 2012

      I know, right?

      The doctor actually told my sister that she was worried she’d scared me off ever having my own kids. Really, if she was that concerned about it she would have given me the epidural. Not that it would have changed anything, but still.

  4. December 5, 2012

    Good thing you cleverly concealed the identity of the guy in the red pants because…well, you know why.

    • December 7, 2012

      I’m pretty sure we both know why.

      (It has something to do with identity theft, right?)

  5. December 5, 2012

    I’m fascinated by the retirement home what with the doctor gleefully telling the patient how his children fell for the glossy brochure and have paid up in full for what they thought would be a well equipped room with round the clock care, but in reality they are leaving him in a field to be picked at by crows,.

    • December 7, 2012

      Which is strange in itself, since the patient appears to be in full rigor mortis, having died in the middle of telling a joke he’d read in Reader’s Digest.

  6. December 5, 2012

    Congratulations on becoming an Aunt! Glad I found this blog!

    • December 10, 2012

      Thanks RedsMistress! He’s the cutest nephew ever. And I’m not even being biased.

  7. December 5, 2012

    Bwahahahah!!! OK you can be my birth partner – I’ve told husband that I want there to be lots of laughing and smiling because I’m told if my jaw is relaxed, my cervix dilates. Not all the time… just in labour. Otherwise that could be inconvenient.

    • December 10, 2012

      Count me in. There’s still a small area of my brain that hasn’t yet been scarred.

      Just so you know, I’m adding the cervix/jaw phenomenon will be in my upcoming book, titled “Child Birthing Advice From An Expert In The Birthing Of Childs”. (So far it consists of the cervix/jaw phenomenon and filler.)

  8. December 6, 2012

    And so it begins. Think of the years of great photography ahead. ;)

  9. December 6, 2012

    Just how I always pictured it… hence why I’m childless… The odd thing is your sister looks JUST like my friend, who ALSO tends to close her eyes for photos. Maybe you aren’t her real sister…

  10. December 6, 2012

    Such a great delivery room dialogue! How could she not love your photo edit? You’ve made her look like Gumby.

    • December 10, 2012

      I know, right? As an abstract artist, I find that googly eyes add a certain “Je ne sais quoi” to my subjects.

  11. December 6, 2012

    Congrats on being an aunt. How awesome that your sis had you and your mom there. I’m fairly certain my sister would never dream of having me in the room with her, mostly because the thought of amniotic fluid and epidurals makes me a little queasy.

    • December 18, 2012

      Thanks, Vesta Vayne. To be honest, I have no idea why my sister wanted me there either. Unless it was to payback for the ex-lax brownies and other birthday delicacies I made her over the years.

  12. elizabeth3hersh #
    December 7, 2012

    Congratulations Bschooled!! Your nephew is too kuet!! Let’s hope he inherited the Cardwell sense of humor! :-)

    P.S. The doctor with the burrowing fingers…do you have his number by any chance?

    • December 18, 2012

      Ha! Actually, it’s a “her”. But from that angle, does gender really matter?

      (…?)

  13. December 7, 2012

    On the basis of this post, I believe that you have the touch and understanding to provide assistance with pregnant soon-to-be moms in labor.
    I even have a name for your new venture: “I Feel Your Pain™.”

    • December 18, 2012

      I’m sold. Mostly because I’m very understanding/touchy. But also because I’ve always wanted a company that ends in ™.

  14. December 8, 2012

    Not sure why, something to do with you mixing it up – retirement homes and new born babies I have this whole Benjamin Button vibe. Shaking it off … Congrats Auntie! Stingy doctors huh? Surely once the drugs are signed out of their store someone’s got to have them?! Now if that were MY hospital.

    • December 26, 2012

      Thanks, Weezafish. Honestly, had I known my sister’s career didn’t come with unrestricted access to pharmaceuticals for family members, I never would have approved her becoming a nurse.

  15. Molly #
    December 9, 2012

    Congratulations! I thought this was the funniest thing I’ve ever read! Thank you for your insight on being a labour coach, I too shall ask for the epidural when my sister has her baby. I hope you enjoy Christmas with your beautiful nephew. :)

    • December 26, 2012

      Thanks Molly. Seriously, Ollie just gets cuter every day. He really does take after his auntie…

  16. December 10, 2012

    It’s so wonderful to see this familial devotion here on your comedy blog. It’s comforting to know that your sense of humour comes from a deep and loving place.

    The weird thing about your altering of the post-partum photo is how everything went all monochrome. I’m thinking that the dolly eyes must be doing that.

    If I was capable of having babies, I would want you there for me too, no lie! Fortunately for both of us, I had my tube tied. Yeah you read that right. I don’t know what it means, the doctor hung up on me right after saying that. We have some serious health care issues here in the USA.

    • December 26, 2012

      Of course I’d be there for you whether you wanted me to be or not. Don’t worry about the doctor tying your tube, it’s not like you don’t have seven other ones you can use! (FYI- We have some serious education issues here in Canada.) Hope you had a wonderful holiday, Dave!

  17. December 12, 2012

    omg this had me dying. it was so funny xD
    Thanks for the laugh! haha.. & congrats to your fam on the new addition to the family!
    xx, Evey C.

    theeveyreport.blogspot.com

    • December 26, 2012

      Thanks, Evey C. Right now he doesn’t do much, but I’m confident that by next Christmas he’ll be able to participate in the gift exchange.

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