At least his headline is honest.

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I apologize for my lack of posts recently. I assure you it’s not for lack of effort (if you could see the 100+ unfinished posts in my drafts folder you’d know the intent was there).  I just find there’s something about the winter that causes my OCD to escalate to unmanageable levels.

Maybe it’s the lack of sun, or cold weather, or the three inches of snow in my backyard that, based on my mental calculations is equivalent to 672 fist-sized snowballs, or 13 snowmen ,or 16.41 snowwomen but how in the hell am I supposed to build a snowwoman if I can’t find any online cameltoe snow sculpting tips? Whatever it is, it’s distracting.

The good news is that even though my blog has suffered, thanks to the voices in my head telling me that if I don’t click every pop up-ad then my entire family will be killed in a horrific snow shoveling accident, my love life has never looked more promising.

It was through one of these ads that I met Ron, a 33 year old man from the  Philippines who describes himself as quote, “Romantic, passionate, loving, caring, considerate…ask me more…”

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Over the last few months, Ron and I have exchanged the kind of private and extremely intimate messages that are too personal to talk about so instead I’ve posted them below.

___________________________________________________
From: Ron
Subject: Hello

I found your smile so I thought I would write you. It would be nice if you answer even if we are far away.
In any case, I send you a kiss.

Love,
Ron
___________________________________________________
From: bschooled
Subject: Re: Hello

Thank-you for the kiss, Ron. I’d give you one back, but unfortunately my lips are attached to the smile you found.

Any chance I could get it back? Email me at bschooled@hotmail.ca and let me know.

Love,
Me

___________________________________________________
Date: 9 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Hello

Sweetie,

It seems to me that you have a good heart; that is why I couldn’t help but send you a message of interest. What I want is someone who is matured and a full-grown woman. I am ready to love forever.

I will like to ask for your YM or SKYPE.

Hope to hear from you.
Ron

___________________________________________________
Date: 11 Nov
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Re: Hello

I’ve never heard of a SKYPE. Is it a type of mobile phone? If so, I refuse to own one. I read somewhere that they cause cancer. (It’s the same reason I don’t wear deodorant and only blow my cigarette smoke in the same direction the wind is blowing.)

Love,
me

___________________________________________________
Date: 12 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Woman of my dream

Hi Sweetie,

So you don’t have a cellphone coz you heard it can cause cancer? I believe so as well…that is why I don’t put my cellphone in my pants pocket.

Hope to get to know you more and more. I hope you will introduce yourself to me if you don’t mind.

Please be safe and God bless you.

Love,
Ron

___________________________________________________
Date: 15 Nov
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Re: HELLO MY SWEETIE

Usually I prefer to make my introductions in person. But because it’s you, I’ll make an exception.

Me: (extends left hand) Hello.
You: (takes hand, pulls toward lips) Hi sweetie.
Me: (yanks hand away, wipes on pants) Um, yeah, hi.
*awkward silence*
Me: So, how ‘bout those Knickers?
You: Sorry?
Me: Er…I mean, Red Bulls.
You: (blank stare)
Me: 69‘ers?
You:
Me: Foreskins?
You:
Me: …Baltimore Areolas? …Cleaveland Steamers? …Something Fudge Packers? …I take it you’re not into sports. In that case, why don’t we just talk about you instead. Obviously I don’t need your entire life story, why don’t we start from say, the day your testicles descended and go from there.
You: (something boring)
Me: Wow, that’s fascinating. (looks at imaginary watch) It was really great meeting you, Ron. I’d love to stay and chat, but…(This is where I’d make-up some excuse about having to go powder my nose or adjust my sanitary belt or something. Then I’d walk to the other side of the bar and spend the rest of the night avoiding eye-contact.)

I hope my introduction wasn’t too forward? Let me know.

Love,
Me

___________________________________________________
Date: 16 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: HELLO MY SWEETIE

Hi Dear,

Thank you for making an exemption just for me; I really do appreciate it.

I would love to get to know you more, my Sweetie.I know we are far away. But no matter, love can overcome great distance.

I hope I am not being too straightforward. But I like you so much.

Pls tell me more about yourself, sweetie.  Also, can I pls have your name?

I love you sweetie.

Love,
Ron

____________________________________
Date: 17 Nov
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Re: HELLO MY SWEETIE

Ron,

I’d give you my name, but then what would people call me? Besides, I think Ron really suits your personality. (No offense.)

As for me, I was born in Canada but my family immigrated to the US when I was five. (My father didn’t want us to have to deal with the same struggles he did re: Metric/Imperial unit conversion.)

When I was 17, I dropped out of school to follow my dream of becoming a Supermodel. When that didn’t work (apparently my short stature and the cone-shaped protuberances above my brow line were deal-breakers), I was forced to follow my backup dream of becoming the trophy wife of a terminally-ill business tycoon.

Now that I’m older, wiser and widowed, I’ve decided to take one last shot at my first dream. Since I’m well past Supermodel age, I’m trying my luck at Stock Photo Modeling instead. I feel like my unique posing style and ability to adapt to a variety of backdrops gives me an edge over the other 50+ women in the field.

Just to give you an idea, I’ve attached a photo from one of my first stock photo modeling shoots. It’s called “Directionally-challenged blonde woman plays “pick a hand”.

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I find this pose really brings out my trapezius muscle.

Love,
Me

___________________________________________________
Date: 18 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: HELLO MY SWEETIE

Thanks for the lovely message, sweetie. And thanks for the cool photo though seems your face in there is not so clear for me? But i really do appreciate it…

I feel ashame ‘coz you are beautiful and rich and I am just a very simple person. I just hope it will be fine for you to have someone like me.

Sweetie, I am wishing we will be together for life. I would love to marry you. But I know we have to meet up first and get to know more.

Please, let us stay together.

Love your sweetie,
Ron

___________________________________________________
Date: 18 Nov
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Re: HELLO MY SWEETIE

Ron,

I can assure you that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Some of my most distant relatives are simple people, and I treat them just like everyone else. Only simpler.

Anyway, as per your request, I’ve attached another photo from my online stock image gallery. It’s called “Beautiful woman with shiny hair and Transitions® lenses doing this thing.”

Would you mind sending me your photo as well? That way I’ll have something to keep my eyes warm at night.

Love,
Me
___________________________________________________
Date: 19 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: My Love

Thank-you for the lovely picture, sweetie. I am thankful that status in life (whether rich or poor) is not an issue with you.

Sweetie, I have something to tell you. I am having trouble with my apartment’s rental coz my salary has been delayed for 2 months.  I asked my landlady for her consideration but she tell me I have to look for other way.

I owe rental, water bill and elecric bill–about 40,000 pesos… in your money it’s US$975—(this is really only 39,975 but it’s okay). Can you help me about it, sweetie.? I just hope you can lend me this kind of money. I will make it up to you soon. Please…?

Pls be safe and let’s behave for each other..

Your sweetie,
Ron

ps. I am sending you some of my photos…Hope you like them…

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___________________________________________________
Date: 20 Nov
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Re: My Love

Um…. thanks for the pics. You look very….uninhibited.

Speaking of pigs, of course I will help you, silly! What’s the point of being rich if I can’t use my money to support a fully grown adult male? Isn’t that what being a cougar is all about? I promise, now that you’re with me, you’ll never have to go foraging in the woods for back bacon again.

On that note, I’ll leave you with another picture from a shoot I did recently. Not to brag, but it’s the #1 downloaded stock image for the lactose tolerant virgin male aged 18-24 demographic.

I know! LOL, right?

Love,
Me

___________________________________________________
Date: 20 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: My Love

Thanks for the photo sweetie. I do like it.

Soo yeah anyway, about the financial problems I am facing right now. I am sorry to ask you for this, I just don’t know where else I can find money for the delayed rentals of my apartment.

Here’s my details.

Ronald Espere
c/o Casa xxxxx,
xxxxxx Marina,
Davao City, Philippines

Kindly give me as well as your complete name and address pls.

Your sweetie,
Ron

___________________________________________________
Date: 21 Nov
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Re: My Love

I promise, the money will be there before you know it. I just have to wait until my butler gets back from vacation. I could mail it myself, but then what would I need a butler for? LOL

(But seriously, though. I wouldn’t.)

I was thinking, why don’t you just pack your bags and come live with me? Then you would never have to worry about overbearing landlords again. Because my heart doesn’t charge rent.

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Love,
Me

___________________________________________________
Date: 22 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Western Union

How are you doing, sweetie? I am fine here, at least trying to be. You know what I mean, because of the financial problem I am facing. I know all will be settled soon coz I trust that you will help me.

If you could send your help thru Western Union it would be lot easier and faster; it will just take 1 minutes; I can claim it right away…Just give me your full name and address; as well as the amount you have sent and the MTCN…

I really hope you can help me this week.

I love you.

Your Sweetie,
Ron

___________________________________________________
Date: 24 Nov
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Re: Western Union

Ron,

I’m glad to hear you’re holding up. If only there was a way for me to take away some of your stress. I swear, if it was up to me I’d send you the money myself.

But since that’s obviously not going to happen, here’s a picture of me instead. It’s called “Double-jointed prostitute in stilettoes relaxing on couch.

Not sure how flexible you are, but it’s worth a shot.

Love,
Me

___________________________________________________
Date: 25 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Waiting

Hi there Sweetie,

Sweetie, hope you will send me your help as soon as possible before my landlady will kick me out from the apartment. You have already my details. Hope you will email me yours as well as the MTCN if u are sending it thu Western Union.

I really do need your help. Please keep me posted.

Your sweetie,
Ron

PS..sweetie, your photo is so sexy. Can’t wait to be with you…

___________________________________________________
Date: 26 Nov
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Re: Waiting

I’m glad you liked my photo. I was worried the camera angle might make me look “slutty”.

Good news, I’ve come up with a way to get your landlady off your back. The next time she starts riding you for rent, give her this instead. It’s a pearl necklace (but not that kind of pearl necklace).

Tell her to think of it as “jewelry for her corneas”.

Trust me,  anal women love this shit.

Love,
Me

___________________________________________________
Date: 27 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Waiting

Thank you sweetie. But my landlady is wanting money now. pls…I have emailed to you how much.
Sweetie, it will be a big help for me. Hope you will send me pls.

I love you so much.

Your Sweetie,
Ron

___________________________________________________
Date: 29 Nov
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Hello

Hi sweetie,

Have not heard from you in a while….Hope everything is ok. Please can u can send me some help. If you can send me US$1000 thru Western Union, it will really do…

I am sorry to ask assistance from you with this…I just don’t know where to go and find the money I need for the delayed rentals of my apartment.

Keep me posted, sweetie.

Ron

___________________________________________________
Date: 30 Nov
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Forgive Me

Ron,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I ended up flying to LA for America’s Next Top Stock Photo Model competition. It was close, but in the end the judges thought my look wasn’t generic enough to pull off certain office settings/gesticulations.

Anyway, I can understand your predicament. How are you supposed to pay for your delayed apartment rentals if you don’t know where to find money? It’s not like you can just walk up to some random stranger on the street and ask him where the money is hiding. Random strangers aren’t on the street. They have jobs.

Have you tried looking around your apartment? I remember there was one photo shoot I did recently where I ended up finding money hiding under the sofa cushions.

Stay strong, dear. And remember to dig deep.

Love,
Me

_________________________________________________
Date: 2 Dec
From: guydimlitebi
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Forgive Me

I am not able to get back to my apartment…I need to get the money you promised me.

Please can you send it asap I have no place to sleep.

Ron

___________________________________________________
Date: 8 Dec
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Remember Me?

Ron,

So, you’re probably wondering where I’ve been. Long story short, I ended up going to my plastic surgeon to have some work done. Nothing serious, just some minor tweaking/genital reconstructing to increase my marketability.

Anyway, the doctor said it could take up to a year to see the final results. But as you can tell from my latest modeling shoot, the difference is remarkable.

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I know I should have told you, but I wanted it to be a surprise.

Just remember that no matter how famous I become, you’ll always be the one who gets to wake up next to me each morning.

Love,
Me

___________________________________________________
Date: 12 Dec
From: bschooled
To: guydimlitebi
Subject: Worried

Ron,

I haven’t heard back from you, I hope everything’s ok?

I want you to know that if you need a place to stay, my heart is still available. Though it looks like I’m going to have to charge you rent. Not a lot, just enough to tide me over until my career takes off.

Love,
Me

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