A life in words (and one picture)
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When people send me emails asking who I am, I have to laugh.
Only it’s not really a happy laugh, it’s more of an awkward-sounding gutteral noise originating from the back of my throat and making me sound like a cross between Bobcat Goldthwaite and a feral child who was raised by a pack of wolves that normally kill humans for sport but for some reason took a liking to me so after getting approval from the alpha male took me under their ferocious paws and treated me like one of their own.
Then again, maybe that’s just because here in Canada we don’t usually ask those kinds of things unless we know the person.
When they ask what I do for a living, I tell them the truth. That I’m a Mommy Blogger. They’re like “Really? So, how many kids do you have, anyway?” and I’m like “Actually, I don’t have any kids,” and then they’re like “Well then what do you mean you’re a Mommy Blogger?” and I’m like “Did I stutter or something?” and they’re like “But if you don’t have kids, how can you call yourself a Mommy?” so then finally I’m like “Look. Don’t you think you’re being a little racist? I mean, if women can vote and watch sports and make sandwiches and stuff, why can’t I have a mommy blog even if I don’t ever plan on compromising my barren yet extremely resilient womb?”
After that, they usually don’t write back.
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This would be my family if I hadn't decided to keep my womb extremely resilient. And yes, in case you were wondering my husband is a model.
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FAQ-
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Here are just a few of the questions emailed to me on a regular basis:
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Q- Is your name really Bschooled?
A- No. My real name is Becky (or Rebecca, for long). But I think you’ll agree that Bschooled makes me sound more smart.
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Q- What is convo?
A- Convo is…well, convo. You know, small talk, chit chat, blather, prattle, exchanging pleasantries, table talk, shooting the breeze, chewing the fat, lacerating the lard, feasting upon the flesh…stuff like that.
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Q- Did you once get shitfaced in a bar in Mexico and fall on the dance floor then tell the bouncer who was helping you back up that you were muy embarazada” because you thought that meant embarrassed but then you ended up getting cut off because it really means pregnant?
A- Yes. Yes, I did.
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Q- Why the heck aren’t you answering your phone?
A- Sorry, Mom. It, um…died.
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Why do you ask Mrs. Lee Smith to represent you and received your fund on your behalf? Get back soon.
I honestly have no idea how to respond to this.
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Q- Dear Respectful, I am Prof. Rickey Tarfa, Legal Practitioners and notary public. I am contacting on a very confidential issue which involves transfer of a huge sum of money from a deceased account. I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that everything has been well taken care off. i have decided to go out of this country and invest in your country if you will accept to receive the trunk box through the security company shippment to your country if you can not come here. You will have 20% of the total money as compensation for your effort.
A- So, what exactly is your question?
Looking For A Hot Local Ladie? We have the answer.
Er, no thanks. I’m good.
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*If you have any parenting questions or just want to send me letters of praise for breaking stereotypes and blurring mommy blogger lines, you can email me atbschooled@hotmail.com. I can’t promise that I’ll answer (I’m really busy with my whole mommy blogging and all), but at least you’ll get it off your chest.
Oh, and don’t forget to vote for me in the “Mommy Blogger Of The Year!” contest. (Or else I’ll totally think you’re racist.)
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Hey, Bea / Becky, is this page new? Because if it is, then I’m beginning to feel relieved that I didn’t just accidentally miss it all those times before now. And if it isn’t, then please accept my heartfelt apology for missing it all those times before now.
In spite of being as Canadian as you are, I have questions. Fair, reasonable probing questions that I hope you’ll feel compelled to answer in an honest and forthright manner, and not in the offhand, dishonest way that I would answer them. Pull up a chair and get comfortable. This could get tedious.
• Are you a polygamous Mormon from Bountiful? Actually, a two-parter: Are you now, or have you ever been, one of those obedient pigtail-wearing wives of Winston Blackmore, that scuzzy cousin-marrying weenie from the Kootenays? Your wistful family photo certainly leaves that impression.
• Is that Winston Blackmore in the hoodie? He seems younger than I remember him.
• Do you actually get emails from people wanting to know intimate, ear-scorching details of your existence.? Not that I’m bitter, but I have been blogging since the earth’s crust was still warm to the touch, and not a single fawning, vital, semi-moist female of means has taken even the most cursory interest in my life as Cooper Green. Just Rickey Tarfa, but I think he’s a guy.
This concludes my probing interview. Frankly, I thought I’d be more controversial. Let me close by saying that your blog is absolutely brilliant, and I’m very happy to have stumbled on it (via Mad Hatters, as I recall). I greatly appreciate your frequent visits to my own blog, your excellent comments, and your actual repost of one of my whatchacallits. You’re some kind of princess.
Cheers,
- Coop
Yay!! I love religious/Kootenay/hoodie/Rickey Tarfa (?)-related questions!
Okay, I just need a few minutes to study and I promise I’ll be right back. (You can trust me, Cooper. Because I’m from Canada.)
Was that an apology? I think I heard an apology. Creeping Canadianism, it shows up when you least expect it. But you’ll be back, and I know I can count on that.
Yes, I guess it was.
(Er, sorry about that!)
Okay, I’m back and ready to go! (Hope there’s no time limit on this quiz!)
- No. Sadly, I had to give up my dream of polygamy when my parents moved our family to the big city. I say sadly because there’s nothing I would like more than to be married to a guy that I didn’t have to keep occupied all the time. Not because I think all guys are needy or anything, only because I need to have at least five “me” days a week. Or else I’m a total bitch. Oh, and as for the second part of your question, yes. Yes, I have.
- I can’t be certain (we broke up when I found out I’d actually have to consummate the marriage), but I’ll ask my sister. True story, she’s a nurse at the hospital over there, and has dealt with more than her share of Blackmore family members. I’m pretty sure he’s there at least once a week.
- Yes. But that’s probably because I’ve been known to post intimate, ear-scorching want ads on Craigslist. (It kills the time.) And if it makes you feel better, I for one would pay money to be a fly on your inner cranium wall, just so I could find out how your ridiculously brilliant mind works. Oh, and also so I could remove the part of your brain that uses terms like “semi-moist female…”
Thank you for taking the time to interview me. Personally, I didn’t think it was going to be so controversial. But such is life, I guess.
Anyway, thank-you for the kind words, Cooper. Coming from a unique and sometimes mind-blowing (in a good way) wit such as yourself, it’s truly a compliment.
beckybea:)
Fine, I can tolerate the “semi-moist female” lobotomy you’ve promised me once you’ve crawled through my earhole and affixed yourself to the inner reaches of my cranium. I be jiggy fo’ dat (yes, I do American for bar mitzvahs and immigration hearings). But allow me to express my unrestrained glee at the realization that you have chosen to leave the “of means” qualification intact, unpurged and unlobotomized. The Super 7 hasn’t exactly been paying off for me, and it’s nice to know my options are open.
Excellent responses, Bea. Y’all have a nice day, hear?
I just discovered this page and the Life in Pictures Page. Cracking up (I mean really cracking up)!!
P.S. My youngest daughter (Bebe)is also named Rebeccah.
Really? I’ve always loved that name! Well, not only, seeing as the first time I heard it was in grade seven. But after that I was hooked.
I remember in grade three I tried changing my name to Becca because I thought it was my only other option. Had I known about Bebe, I wouldn’t have given up so quickly.
“Q- Did you once get shitfaced in a bar in Mexico and fall on the dance floor then tell the bouncer who was helping you back up that you were muy embarazada” because you thought that meant embarrassed but then you ended up getting cut off because it really means pregnant?
A- Yes. Yes, I did.”
This… This is why im totally in love with you and stalking your every move from Australia. Google Win!
-Rick
Your husband fits right in with the rest of the family. I mean . . . his head is big, so I see why he has to wear that hood, but nevertheless, it’s a beautiful very modern family you have.
Thanks so much, Vodka. (I love your name, btw. Is it Russian?)
I agree, my family is super modern. And really, Manuel’s head only looks that big in photos. He may not the most photogenic male model in the world, but I still love him.