B’s Sculptures


Artist Statement

I am an artist. My specialty lies in sculpture; I have a gift for taking previously-created-yet-not-quite-abstract enough sculptures and adding various components to them, thus making them “even more” abstract.  These  pieces of mine start out as zygote-like mental images, and only when these mental images become larger than my head can withstand do they make their way from my brain to my free-flowing hands. It takes a great deal of time and energy, not to mention an extremely efficient nervous system.

My inspiration comes from nature, as can be seen in my previous trilogy-type gallery, which includes “The Fellowship of Nature,” “The Two Nature-Like Towers,” and “The Return of Nature”. My art leaves absolutely nothing to the organic imagination. I plan it that way. 

Questions I ask myself while working on a piece include: How will my extreme abstractedness interact with the environment and the space around it? Would the viewer want to touch it? Do I want him or her to touch it? Do I want him or her to touch me? Would that make things awkward?

Whether or not my artwork transfers my thoughts to the viewer successfully, is not of particular concern; true meaning is assigned by and for the individual viewer. The artwork is merely a gateway to personal monetary gain.



Welcome to my “What’s Love Got To Do With It” Gallery.  Please enter at your own creative risk.



“What’s Love Got To Do With It” -Bschooled


“Elephant Shoe” -2002


This piece of wonderment was created in 2002. I started dating a guy named Joaquin (pronounced “Joe-Queen”), and although it started out casually enough, within a few weeks it had become much more serious. 

At least for him it did.

I didn’t blame him for being head over heals in love with me, I blamed myself for not feeling the same way. Even though I cared about him and his independant wealth immensely, deep down I felt like I needed something more.  But because I wasn’t quite sure what that “something” was, I knew that dating Joaquin would at least pass the time until I figured it out.

One evening, as we lay on the exotic imitation bear skin rug in his living room basking in the warmth of his  clean-burning fireplace,  he leaned over and whispered in my ear. “I love you,” he said, extremely romantically.

I wanted to tell him the same, but no matter how hard I tried , I wasn’t able to get the words out. So instead I smiled, looked him as lovingly as possible in the eye, and mouthed the following:  

“Elephant shoe.”

He seemed a little confused. After a few minutes of careful contemplation, he finally spoke.  “Did you say I love you or elephant shoe?”

I knew that I couldn’t lie.

…Or could I?

Turns out I could. “I said the former,” I replied, even more romantically in order to throw him off. Then, again trying to distract him, I started making extremely sexy facial expressions.

Fortunately, it worked. Although I didn’t think it was possible, after that night Joaquin started loving me even more.





 “Wood Eye? Ewe Bet Eye Wood!” -2002


(*sidenote-I didn’t have an Ewe, so therefore I had to use the elephant again)

I was broke. The lack of job wasn’t going very well, and because I had a gut feeling  that there could be a recession in the distant future, I decided it would be in my best interests to wait until the dust settled to look for employment.  It just didn’t make sense for me to get comfortable in a career only to find myself being laid off six years later.

So when Joaquin asked me to move in with him rent-free, I forgot all about the fact that I wasn’t attracted to him, and less than 30 minutes later my bags were packed and this brilliantly abstract sculpture was created.

It was a deal I just couldn’t pass up.






“Those Who Live in Glass Houses …” -2002


This delicacy for the eye was created soon after I moved in.

Joaquin lived in an eco-friendly neighborhood, and his house was made entirely from composted materials and PBR cans. His neighbors, however, lived in  a glass-like abode based on designs from German architects, thus making it much more eco-friendly than those built according to North American standards.

Their young son was a miniature tyrant. He was constantly running through our organically-watered lawn  and throwing rocks at Joaquin’s  solar panelled birdhouse, making life miserable for both us and the environmentally-conscious woodpeckers that would come to visit from time to time. And because the child’s father worked long hours and his mother was too busy getting it on with the  “chlorine-free pool” boy (as everyone within a half-mile radius could see), there was nothing that could be done.

I was also starting to realize that Joaquin and I had very different interests. While I enjoyed sculpting abstractedly and showering regularly, he liked to spend his free time protecting the ozone layer and not showering regularly.

I was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, I’d made a huge mistake.






 “What The Fa La La…?” -Dec. 25,  2002


This “creme de la abstract creme” came to me the day I finally reached my breaking point. Sadly it was also December 25th, the day where we as Christians get together to celebrate Santa coming down the chimney.

Unbeknownst to me, Joaquin wasn’t actually a Christian, he was an Environmentalist/Kabbalah hybrid. Looking back, I should have seen the signs. But what can I say, sometimes my mind is so occupied with thoughts of creating that cognizance and/or awareness of my surroundings end up taking a back seat.

It was bad enough that our Christmas tree consisted of two abstract imitation wood sculptures attached by a piece of recycled cloth and hung with an ornament made entirely of composted banana peels. But when I opened my bamboo-fabric tie-dye stocking to find a Kabbalah string and menstrual mooncup,  I knew I had to leave.





“The Grass is Always Greener on The Other Side” -Later on Dec. 25, 2002


My hands, disassociated from my mind at the time, sculpted this wonderment after finally realizing that free doesn’t always mean “gratis”  (artistically  speaking, of course). 

After an emotional confrontation where I told Joaquin (via Dear John letter) that I couldn’t be with him anymore, I packed up my bags and snuck out in the middle of the night. I knew that I could have left during the day (seeing as he was out of town protesting anti-environmental protests), however I felt this way would be much more emotionally gripping.

I moved back home with my Mother, who, despite her vehement protests, was subconsciously glad for the company.





Once all of the craziness finally died down (approximately 2 hours later), I pulled out my ingenious Magic 8-Ball Paper Sculpture to ask it whether or not I had a gift for taking abstract sculptures and making them even “abstracter.” And you know what it said?


“Original Magic 8-Ball Paper Sculpture”- 1990


(Sidenote- I did try again and it said “All Signs Point to Yes”)




**Thank you for visiting my abstracter sculpture gallery. I wish I could stay and make this post even longer than it already is, but my brain is telling my fingers (via my nervous system) that it is time to go create once again.


  1. Funny is the operative word here, as in laugh out loud funny. You certainly are growing as an artist, but you probably know that, in fact, I think you told us that.

    Only you can to decide whether the viewer can touch it or not, its the artist’s prerogative. Decide wisely.


    • Thank-you for your words of praise, FJ. Although I may have alluded to the fact that I’m growing (exponentially) as an artist, the truth of the matter is that I wasn’t completely sure. (I thought perhaps the “Elephant Shoe” piece might have been too “last season”.)

      And don’t you worry, I pinky swear to you (its what we as abstract sculptors do) that I will decide wisely.

      And if I don’t…well, I will definitely decide even more wisely the next time.

      “I know, I know…”

  2. Holy Magic hamburger bschooled! I’m very impressed by the current pieces in this collection. Seriously, I’m trewely amazed by the gut-wrenching story of love and betrayal… Okay, I didn’t read about any betrayal but damn… There was a lot of love going on in that tale. Did I mention that I love sheep. I was really hoping that somehow more ewes would be in the story, but hey, I can’t just wish sheep into your life. Or can I – and really… why would I even try… Hell, I don’t know… but, I’m actually trying to wish sheep into your life right now… Did it work?

    I’m really thinking that yewe could produce and sell a fewe magic hamburgers or sheep (if it worked?) and make enough money to buy a cewete little ewe. Then after swapping the ewe out with the elephant in sculpture number t-ewe… well, then … well… I think that my life would be much more fuzzier and warmer feeling and complete… just like after spending time with my two ewes … Okay freaks, I’m not a sheep f*ucker. Really, I’m not!

    All the best

    • Thank-you for the original and well-deserved compliments, CatGod. If it wasn’t for people like you, my artisticism just wouldn’t be possible.

      (I’m not sure why, but really, that’s neither here nor there.)

      I have to ask you a question…are you from Scotland? Or Minnesota perhaps? You have an accent that I just can’t put my finger on…probably because I don’t get out much (I’m usually too busy sculpting).

      Oh, and to answer your question (at least I think it was a question?), although I would love to trade my elephant for a sheep, I just don’t think it would be possible. Only because a) the elephant isn’t actually mine, and b) I’m deathly allergic to wool.

      Thanks for visiting, CatGod. Always good to get y’ewe’r perpective on things…

    • frigginloon says:

      Geez Cat God Frank, don’t let the chickens find out they’ll be right pissed :(

  3. Oy vey….so many words. I’ll have to come back later when I don’t need toothpicks to keep my eyes open.

    • Haha! Yang…

      Yes, unfortunately my fingers went a little crazy this time. That’s what happens when the artist in me takes over.

      Regardless, it’s always great to see you! (And Tootie, of course!)

      • Well I must admit that waiting to walk through this gallery so I could read about each piece, without my eyes shutting on me, was definitely the right decision. It would have been such an embarrassment to drop to the floor right in front of “Those who live in Glass Houses”. I don’t think I could afford buying it if I had accidentally broken it during my collapse, not to mention the mental anguish I would carry around with me for the rest of my life. I do agree with the other patrons of your gallery that your artistic vision and creativity is starting to blossom and show the fruits of your many hours of labor. I feel as though I’m finally beginning to see the real you.

        • Yang,

          I’m so glad you waited until your eyes were fully open to view my pieces (especially since nine times out of ten, that’s the way I recommend they be viewed).

          Needless to say, I would have never forgiven myself had you dropped to the floor mid-gallery viewing. And even if I did eventually fogive myself, I’d probably never forget. That’s just the way I roll.

          Thank-you for noticing the fruits of my labour, YnB. And for agreeing with the other extremely astute patrons as well. That is why you are truly “my yang”.

  4. It’s truly a gift to be able to read your Mother’s subconscious. I am starting to think that you are much more than a brilliant sculpture genius (your “grass is always greener” is destined for greatness). Have you ever thought of starting your own pyschic friend hotline?

    Isn’t it wonderful to know that missteps in relationships can actually lead to artistic greatness?

    And, yes, no relationship is worth ending unless you can leave it in an emotionally gripping fashion!

    Has poor Joaquin recovered from his battered and bruised heartbreak yet? Or is he still puzzling over the elephant shoe?

    • HA!

      Talon, I have to say that your comment had me LOL’ing. (And as a serious artist, I’m not sure that’s a good thing.)

      I’m so glad you liked my “Grass is Greener” piece. To be honest, I was a little worried about how my audience would react to it, seeing as it’s a little more “risque” than some of the other works I’ve done. (Then again, if I don’t take “risques”every once in a while, I’m never going to grow as an artist.)

      Funny you should mention the psychic friend hotline, it’s actually my back-up plan if this doesn’t work out. Although I plan on turning it into more of a Psychic “Casual Acquaintace” Hotline kind of thing, only because I have quite a few friends already, and Christmas and Birthdays really put a dent in the ol’ organic hemp wallet.

      I’m not sure what happened to Joaquin, but to be honest, I don’t think it would have worked out even if I was attracted to him. In fact, I just found out this morning that his name isn’t actually pronounced “Joe Queen”…

  5. I’d wear that shoe!

  6. Your talent is growing exponentially. I had been constantly obsessing over your ‘process,’ mainy because I’m hardcore OCD, and also because I felt like I could not ever truly breathe again until I knew how you do what you do. One quick question to help me further understand how you emit The Brilliance with your endowed digits; when you say zygote… like….do you mean ‘joining’ or ‘yoking’ or are you referring to a sweet talking angel who dwells within your soul, gently guiding you? What or who is this Zygote enigma?

    I’m frankly not sure that you should ever date a man named Joaquin no matter how artistic or Canadian you happen to be. I’m not even sure a French Canadian should. But I’m so pleased that you did, for it produced the uncomfortable awkwardness of Elephant Shoe.

    As tempting as it is to judge you for your Wood Eye, how could I judge your Wood Eye when I have a log within my own eye? Besides, I’d do the same thing. Love ain’t nothin but the rent.

    I see that ‘Glass Houses’ is following the same theme, but this time I would not follow biblical advice. Do this…..throw the stone which breaks the glass. Take off your shirt and wrap it around your hand (protecting our investment) and pick up a large sharp piece of glass. Then enter the broken home and stab anything that moves until everything stops moving. All done.

    This is my favorite piece ever! I should be able to find a buyer within the week! What is a menstrual mooncup? And if it inspires you to do this incredible work. Keep it. Wear it. Become it.

    “Greener’ is absolutely beautiful as well, but it looks heavy. I would take it with you and go back to the glass house and make sure that everyone is dead, before we sell this piece. (It’ll be worth more on the collectors market with a little blood and a brutal back-story. Plus we can’t leave any witnesses)

    Exceptional work as always B……Elephant Shoe!!

    • Scott,

      Your words are like the “various components I’ve added to the not quite abstract enough sculptures of others”–they truly make the world a better place.

      With regards to the “zygote enigma”, I mean many things. I mean a bit of the first thing you mentioned, a bit more of the second thing, and even a dash of another thing that I can’t quite put my finger on right now. I hope that answers your question, the thought of you not truly breathing again would send me into a downward spiral. (And I have to be honest, sculpting downward spirals isn’t one of my strengths…at least not yet.)

      I’m sorry to hear about your log eye, Scott. Has it held you back in life? Or has it allowed you to “branch out” into other areas you may not have gone otherwise? Do you avoid campfires, lumberjacks and sawmills like the plague? Do people call you “Timberman” behind your back?

      Sorry for all the questions. I just find it fascinating, that’s all. Elephant shoe regardless of any eyesores you may have.

      Speaking of eyesores, here is the anser to your other question- http://www.mooncup.co.uk/

      Er…I need to go somewhere now, I’ll return once the extremely awkward silence has ended…

      • Speaking of a downward spiral, what the …what what? Was that thing? It looked like a downward spiral to me. And has sent me on a downward spiral. I’m afraid that seeing that ….thingy… has left me with many more questions than answers. Not one of which I want answered, even remotely. One good thing out of this big, red, hot mess is this; I think we may have finally found Chuck’s nut’s Kryptonite. I’m serious, I actually saw one of his ‘boys’ flinch. First time ever.

        I love your “branch out” pun; I think it may even be good enough to make it in Peter Pauper Penultimate Pun Publication!

        • What the what what indeed, Scott. The only thing I know for sure is that it definitely wasn’t what Willis was talkin’ ’bout.

          All I have to say is we need to keep these “wtfs” away from Chuck’s nuts no matter what it takes. They have been a godsend to me these past couple of weeks, and I need “Charles’ Bollocks” to see me through the Christmas season. Canada is a cold place right now, Scott. I need all the cockle warmth I can get.

          Oh, and do you really think I have what it takes to make Peter’s Pun Book? Or were “ewe” just saying that?

          (HA! It just never ends, does it? Which reminds me…I just flew in and boy are my arms tired!)

  7. Who is Gary?

  8. I am glad you did not fall in love with Joe-Queen. He is a liar. His house, for instance, was made by the Nova Chemical Corporation. Does that strike you as the name of an eco-friendly company?

    God, I hope you did not waste some of your extra special sexual maneuvers on him. He is so not worthy.

    By the way, is that your shoe? It looks like something a person with a wooden foot would use. (not that I’m judging).

    • Thanks TL, I appreciate the support. I also appreciate your attention to detail, your hawk-like eyesight leaves nothing to the organic imagination.

      No, thankfully I didn’t waste any of my extra special sexual maneuvers on him. I did waste a few generic ones mind you, but let’s face it; those are a dime a dozen (at least in my case).

      And don’t worry, TL, I would never think you were judging. To tell you the truth, the shoe belongs to my co-worker. She has a club foot.

      And she’s Dutch.

  9. Ahhhh, Bschooled, it’s the way things flow to your lovely free-flowing hands, and it is always “Creation le (blah blah something French) Magnifique!”

    There in lies the problem for me, as sometimes things just bang around in my head, and come out of my free-flowing mouth like this morning – reliving a conversation from 1986 – and alarming my wife in the other room, who snapped me out of it with, “Who are you talking to THIS time?”

    Damn reality sucks . . . which brings me back around to your brilliant sculptures, B; an abstracted view of incredible abstract art depicting realism, or as I like to call it, “The View from in Here” (my head). I love the elephant, and I also noticed how something within each picture is strategically placed to hide something else, depicting shadows within the abstract, or as the tarot likes to say, “Reality hazy, try again.”

    And we all know the tarot lifted this from the Magic 8-Ball Paper Sculpture.

    But I digress . . . and digress . . . and digress . . .

    As always, great post! You are magnifique!

    • Thank-you Invasive1. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to create le (blah blah something French) Magnifique, and to know that others can actually see it expressed in my work…well, let’s just say that it warms the cockles of my brilliantly-inspired (and sculpture-adept) heart.

      I have to admit that all of “those things” you noticed within each picture were done subconsiously. It was the only way my innermost thoughts could become “outermost non-thoughts”, so to speak. It’s not that I purposely set out to depict the shadows, in fact, to tell you the honest truth, shadows tend to creep me out even at the best of times. But once my fre-flowing fingers started “locking the flow” (as P. Diddy would say), I really had no other choice but to go along with it.

      Thank-you for both your well deserved words of praise and your digressions, Invasive1. You truly make me want to be a “no better, no worse” sculptor.

  10. Frankelstache says:

    Dear Olive Oiled Sizzling Blu-Ray Player, B

    The magnitude of your talent at such an early age is striking.
    You’re like a wonderful troubadour, serenading us night and day.
    Your art makes me feel the way an owl feels when he awakes as the crescent moon brightens the sky

    Accepting JC,

    • Dear Can I Get That in a To-Go Box Stache,

      The fact that you have been picking up what I have been so creatively putting down means more to me than you (or I) will ever know. God must have planned it that way, as there is no other viable explanation for our disassociative connection.

      Please Stache, go out and buy yourself a sculpture-like Christmas present on me. Although I have no intention of reimbursing you in monetary form, you can bet my “Magic Paper 8-Ball Sculpture” that I’ll be reimbursing you thought-wise.

      And we both know that’s what counts.

      Accepting Jay-Z,

  11. I’ve needed “elephant shoe” many times in my life. Where were you!?! Ah, well, there’s always the future. I’m sure it will be put to good use. :-)

    • Haha! I know how you feel, Pamela. “Elephant shoe” has definitely been a godsend to me over the years.

      Feel free to use it anytime. But remember to add the extremely romantic facial expressions, or it’s just going to end up being an awkward situation. Trust me on that one.


  12. lol! Yes, who needs more friends? An Acquaintance Hot Line is perfect.

    I just hate it when guys play name games! What’s up with that? Toe-may-toe or Tah-mah-toe – it’s still a red fruit, isn’t it? :)

    • My thoughts exactly, Talon. Which is why from now on I’m only going to date guys named Doug (forget what I said in my last sculpture post).


      ps. Love your new avatar:)

  13. My, but that was funny. I’m fanning myself as we speak, in the manner of a “handsome” Southern belle who has been overstimulated (think Paula Deen unwrapping sticks of butter).

    I’m truly sorry to hear things with slightly deaf and underly ambitious JoeQueen didn’t work out better. I’m sure that the first misstep was his firelit declaration of love and the syllable gumbo you replied with that became the “Elephant on the Shoe” in your relationship.

    I’m sure you both thought about that night a lot but could never discuss it for fear of openess and honesty and whatnot. Understandable of course, what with a sizable trust fund involved.

    However, I think I might have missed the section of the story arc when the 2009 Least Evil Chemical Company Awards Banquet personnel caught you woman-handling their awards and writing cryptic messages to yourself on the formerly immaculately folded napkins. I imagine they were most surprised when you borrowed items from the xmas tree in the foyer and draped these across the “priceless” sculptures, which had been secured behind a velvet rope.

    Either way, the fix was in. There is no way in hell Union Carbide should have taken home the Lifetime Achievement Award. There’s at least three things wrong with the name of that award.

    Oh, well. There’s always next year. We’ve got some big things planned (and unplanned) at Formosa Plastics in 2010.

    • Thank you CLT.

      Funny you should mention the Southern belle/Paula Deen/stick o’ butter trifecta. It reminds me of how I felt last night after eating a country ham, fried chicken, chicken fried steak, grits, buttermilk biscuits with gravy, catfish, bread pudding, okra, mustard greens, and black eyed peas. And that was just my appetizer!

      Needless to say, I was busting out of my off shoulder brocade dress like nobody’s business. And the pearl necklace? One more piece of that fried chicken and it definitely would have been a choker.

      As for the Lifetime Achievement award, no one here could believe it when Union Carbide won either. Really, what does their ethylene oxide have that Formosa’s doesn’t? Personally, I think those people at Dow were using their clout to pull a few “polypropylene-based strings*”, if you know what I mean. (And not in a “Responsible Care” sort of way.)

      (*If you do know what I mean, I would appreciate it if you would translate it into laymans terms and repeat it back to me.)

      Thanks for the frolicsome and thought-provoking comment, CLT. I’m comforted by the fact that we speak the same language (non-organically speaking, of course).

  14. frigginloon says:

    I hope you told that tree hugger the elephant shoe was made of elephant hide and ivory?

    • Good point, frigginloon.

      I didn’t tell Joaquin the truth, but only because it would have felt like I was pouring sea salt into an already gaping wound. I guess I just didn’t have the heart (or the knowledge) to make him suffer more than he already was.

      What can I say, I’m an altruist.

  15. I missed Aunties last ride throught the neighborhood…catch her next time….you are a work artist..i think thats an author…you sculpture the blogosphere with your words…..despite what the OLD MAN thinks…zman sends

    • Don’t worry Zman, I’m sure Auntie D will be back. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee it. (She’s predictable that way.)

      Thank you so much for the tremendous (yet extremely accurate) compliment. My only hope in life is that one day the entire blogoshpere will be sculpted with my words and/or abstract sculptures.

      (I just hope that day comes soon, because I’m running out of sculpture-worthy materials.)

      Always good to see you, Zman. I hope Penelope had a wonderful birthday!


  16. elizabeth3hersh says:

    First time reading your blog bschooled. Wow, that was original! Loved the juxtaposition of prose and art…fun read!

    • Hey Elizabeth!

      Thanks for the great comment. I’m glad you enjoyed the gallery, to tell you the truth I’m really hoping it “takes” so I that can quit my real job and focus on my passion full time (fingers crossed!)

      Great to see you Elizabeth, hope you visit again.


      ps. Just so you know, ‘juxtaposition’ is one of my favorite words…

  17. How did you decide on the grass colors? How do we (artists) define the right shade of green and know which might be perceived as more “other side” desirable? Too much blue and it becomes Suess-ish… too much yellow and it looks like diseased grass and who covets that?
    I’m stuck pondering these questions, as well as some of the others tossed about by fellow bloggers.

    As for Doug’s.. careful. I’ve dated a number of Mikes and there seems to be danger in repeat dating by name alone. I’m not fully over 2 of the 3 Mikes! Yet!

    • Extremely artistic question, DF. I’m not really sure how I came up with those particular shades of green…I think it was my subconscious trying to send a message (or a creative “shout-out” to my fans) but I could be wrong.

      Sadly the art controls me, and not the other way around (as can be seen by the artistic way in which I phrased this last sentence).

      It also may have had something to do with the fact that those were the only shades of green I had at that particular time. Tough to say.

      Brilliant comment, DF. So brilliant, in fact, that I just may sculpt it.

  18. B, this is absolutely a tour-de-farce. Thanks to you, now I know what those girls have been saying to me all these years. At least I know the deal, you know? Makes me want to switch from scultping origami boulders to papier mâché hearts. First, however, I will remove the elephants from my shoes.

    • Hey John,

      Thanks for the outstanding (yet extremely accurate) comment. This most definitely is a tour de force. But I have to be honest, it had nothing to do with me. It had to do with my brilliantly exquisite and footloose (and don’t forget fancy free!) mind.

      I really do hope you try your “hand” (ha! get it?) at the hearts, John. From what I recall, you seem to have quite the gift for sculpting yourself. (Nowhere near as wondrous and aesthetically-pleasing to the eye as mine, mind you, but a gift all the same.)

      Always good to see you,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: