This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands.


 Chelsea Handler has been mocking the Jonas Brothers again, and 194 angry Facebookers (including myself!) just aren’t going to take it anymore!!






















  1. What is sad is that you really are a member of that group. What is sadder still is that you didn’t actually post those hilarious comments.

    • How would you know I didn’t post them unless you were a member too?

      I left them for a while, but when nobody responded after 24 hours I decided to cut my losses. Perhaps it was a little impetuous of me, but still. I had to teach them a lesson.

      If it makes you feel any better, I did leave the ones I posted to my boy Justin Bieber…

  2. superdupermommy says:

    Lol! :)

    I just love the Jonases (sorry, not sure how you pluralize a Jonas, lol). I hope my boys can be rock stars and virgins some day too! They’re really talented and already want Justin Bieber (Bieber?) haircuts and drum sets. Except my daughter of course. She’s wants to look like Katy Parry (Perry? OMG I’m celebrity dyslexic :shock: ) and has no talent at all. :sad: So, wow, what a handful. You should hear them sing “Wheels on the Bus” Ha! It’s really good and they can dance too. :lol:

    You’ll have to meet them someday. You’d love them.

    So funny, B. ROFL :grin:

    • I would love to meet them one day, SDM! Justin Bieber and Katy Peary (LOL!) are two of my favorite singers!

      Oh wait…you were talking about your kids, weren’t you?

      *longest most awkward silence ever*

      Anyhoo, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who’s celebrity dyslexic (or “Celebrexic”, as I like to call it). I remember this one time my friend and I were out for dinner, when suddenly she stood up and pointed across the room. “Look, it’s Mike Bullard!” she yelled.

      I was all like “Huh?” and she was like “You know, Mike Bullard!” and I was like “No I don’t know” and she was like “He’s the guy on that show!”

      Sadly, because of my Celebrexia I never did figure out who she was talking about.

      Thanks for the fun, frolicky and smile-infused comment, SDM!

      ps. I can’t wait until I’m a good enough emoticonist to make mine move like that!

  3. Dear B, up to now, I was nursing a secret fantasy that you were Chelsea Handler, but there’s no need to go into that now that my dreams are shattered. Perhaps your sources can confirm if Ms. Handler was the source behind the observation on Gawker recently that “Yes, we know all the lesbians look like Justin Bieber.”

    Have a great day, as I pick up the pieces of my broken life.

    • Hahaha!

      Thank-you for sharing that with me, John. Opposite-gender lovers, alternaqueers, bois; Not only did I learn more about Gay pride, I now have a whole new lifestyle-themed vocabulary.

      Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, I do have a second-cousin named Chelsea. And trust me, she’s about as Justin Bieber as they come.

  4. Sigh…I clearly do NOT have enough time on my hands…

    But if I did, I would sooooo enjoy participating in such important and vital matters. I would. Seriously. But I’m so glad you’re on top of things, b! I heard from my next door neighbor’s friend’s brother’s wife’s ex-husband’s girlfriend that the Jonas Brothers are actually women. I did. But I didn’t want to start any trouble or anything so I’ve kept it secret until now.

    • Ha! You did the right thing, Talon. Whenever my next door neighbor’s friend’s brother’s wife’s ex-husband’s girlfriend tells me anything, I always keep it under wraps. Then again, it probably has something to do with the fact that she speaks Chinese and I can’t understand a word she’s saying.

      But mostly it’s because I don’t want to start trouble.

  5. okay at the risk of sounding like a complete dumbass here. who are the jonas brothers? should i know this? ~and b, i didn’t know you spelled your name B-E-A!! (sorry)

  6. Ok, so I don’t who Chelsea or,/em> the Jonas’ Bros are BUT I have it on good authority that they all hooked up at Starbucks down on 6oth and King the other day to talk about how they could join forces and fuck Genu Zis’s shit up, but because Chelsea is a douchebag and the Jonas’ Bros sound like kids, they didn’t say it like that, they said they were going to, “set him straight”….

    • I like that Genu Zis “loined” the group. I know a coupla peeps I’d like to “loin” too…..

    • HAHA! I love the italics through it, RTS! It adds a certain “Je ne sais quoi…” (FYI, that’s French for “kickassiness!”).

      I can’t believe they talked about doing that! I mean, my cousin’s uncle’s hooker’s pimp did mention something about that, but I didn’t take him seriously. (I mean, come on, he’s a pimp). I usually only trust reliable sources. Like the paparazzi. Or politicians.

      I hope they kick him right in the same “loined” that he used on the group…

  7. Whoops, just imagine that without the italics all through it

  8. I’d be LOL at that bunch but then I set here and looked into the computer screen and saw myself looking back at me.

    LOL at not for whom the bells tolls.

  9. This post brings back fond memories. It reminds me of that time I wrote to Your Hit Parade about Freddie Mercury and said he might be a little bit homosexual, and they said no he’s just got overbite and besides they named the band for the queen-size mattress that his horny girlfriend sleeps on just waiting for him to come home after a gig. I mean, I might be from a different generation but nothing much changes.

    Who’s Justin Bieber?

  10. Wonderful site and theme, would really like to see a bit more content though!
    Great post all around, added your XML feed! Love this theme, too!

    • OMG, it’s the Success Ladder!

      (Not to sound like a stalker or anything but I’ve been trying to climb you for years. ROFL!!!)

      Thank-you for the success-guaranteeing advice. To tell you the truth, I actually thought this post had a little “too much” content. Everything from adam’s apples to diabetes to indigo-was skinny jeans…I was worried it might be a little overwhelming.

      But seeing as you’re the expert, next time I’ll throw in a few flame-throwing hobos and perhaps even a celiac disease or two.

      ps. Hope you like my XML feed. (I may be biased, but personally I think it really ties a room together.)

  11. Coming (very) soon, a new FB group:

    “Stop Bea Schooled from mocking Chelsea Lately who’s mocking the Jonas Brothers.”

    This will get complicated over time…

  12. Maybe I am indeed an aged troglodyte, but I’ve never heard of any of these people.

    The Jones Brothers, Chelsea Someone, Bea Schooled, Bearman….no, sorry….all news to me.

    I really should listen to the wireless more often.

    • Nobbly!!! Great to see you.

      I’m not sure what a troglodyte is (does it have to do with being Pastafarian?) , but judging from your avatar, they obviously age very well.

      Don’t worry about all those people, Nobbly. The only one you really need to know is Bea Schooled. Oh, and Bearman, I guess (but only because he actually has a talent and could be famous one day. And also because he might read this.)

      I’ll send you my authorized unauthorized biography (soon to be unauthorized again…fingers crossed!), just so you can catch up.

  13. ‘my comment is awaiting moderation’? WTF! How rude!

    I demand that my comment be posted….NOW!

  14. Hahahaha…really, I am apoplectic. An A+ for both production values and dialogue. I was thinking wouldn’t it be funny if the Jonas Brothers private plane crashed into Justin Bieber’s private plane and the debris landed on Miley Cyrus’s tour bus and everyone died…lol.

    You’re awesome B….no homo!!

    • cleverlittlemiss says:

      This was harsh but it makes me wonder how much better off we would really be? lol

    • FJ,

      I hope you mean the good kind of apoplectic and not the “I’m having a stroke somebody help me!” kind. (Because if it’s the latter, I’ll feel guilty for taking it as a compliment.)

      Ha! That would be funny, only the part where everyone on Miley Cyrus’s tour bus dies would have to be rewritten so that everyone except Miley Cyrus dies. I need to keep her alive as long as possible so I can get the world to stop mocking her. Really, it’s become my life’s mission.

      But only because I have nothing better going on right now.

      You’re awesome, FJ…no homo squared!

  15. cleverlittlemiss says:

    What! I have to say I disagree with hating Chelsea. I love her. She’s hilarious. As for the Jonas Bros, I’ve never taken the time to listen to their music, but I figure if my 7 year old niece loves them then I may be a tad too old for that music.


    • You’re never too old!

      True story, I listened to Barney until I was in my late twenties. It wasn’t until my thirtieth birthday someone told me that, because I don’t have kids, it made me seem a little “creepy”.

      Still, that kid-loving dinosaur sure can sing. (And there’s no denying that his message is a powerful one.)

  16. Bea schooled, this is one of the greatest ever posts! (I recant that in case you end up being sued and they want to get me for … liking your post). Since I am a FB quasi-addict, it was right up my alley, although I am not used to seeing such language on my own account ;-). Ironically, I have caught a couple of Chelsea’s shows lately and she does look like a caricature with a small head and big arms and shoulders. Yet she insists on wearing those sleeveless dresses night after night. She shouldn’t mock anyone else, should she? Not with her footballer’s neck. And she’s always mocking the midget, too. The poor guy is sitting, ostracized, on the other side of the room, and the only time she talks to him is when she’s hurling an insult. It’s time for Chelsea’s comeuppance.

  17. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I didn’t know who this Chelsea Handler was either so I Googled her…Bea, you sound every bit as talented and I hope you get a show too!!

    You’ll know you have too much time on your hands when you comment as much (and in length) as Sedate Me. :-)

    P.S. Today’s banner is so freakin’ cool!!!

    • Thank-you, E! But trust me, if I ever did get a show, I’d hire you to write it…and host it…and be in charge of all the twitter updates.

      But we could still call it “Bschooled’s Show,” just for convenience sake. ;)

  18. Hahaha!!! Great stuff. You wear too much time on your hands well, b/bea. You should totally set up like 5 or 6 pages on Facebook and then abandon them as soon as possible. It’s a blast!

    Still, Genu Zis is hard to top, what with his deathgrip on infantile misogyny. I’d only have been more offended if he’d suggested she needed some “prayer.”

    Looking forward to more vicious rumours, b/bea. In fact, I’m looking forward to it so much, I spelled “rumours” like a Canadian. How’s that for multiculturalism, eh?

    • You think? I was worried the time might make my wrists look fat, but if you say it works then I believe you.

      I was thinking about setting up 5 or 6 quickly abandoned Facebook pages, but to tell you the truth, after setting up 50 or 60 quickly abandoned blogs I just didn’t have the energy.

      Thanks for the encouraging words, CLT. Your comment (and the extra “u”) is what keeps me keeping on.

  19. That’s some seriously good trolling. My hat is off to you, and so is Dennis’s fedora!

  20. Girl, you are so crazy, I love it! Love the header, by the way.

  21. You are the brave and fearless point woman in this magnificent and noble battle, B, not unlike the great archangel Gabriel at Normandy, or was it, uh . . . never mind. You know what I mean.

    And like that great soaring archangel, you weld the vengeful sword of decency and Disney endoresements and action figures from Happy Meals, striking down that disrespectful demon whore Chelsea (you feeling me, Chels?) as she slams the last decent vestige of boy rock bands left in this sad old world. Why . . . she’s a . . .


    You know what I mean, B. You know what I mean.

    I hope. Maybe. Do you? Okay then . . . rambling on.

  22. frigginloon says:

    I have an uneasy feeling you are a stalker bschooled :(
    And what’s more Chelsea Handler told me it wasn’t just the Jonas Brothers you were obsessing with. She has got it on good authority, from the stupid mouth whore who hates Beiber , that you have been bad mouthing Wacko Jacko Facebook sites too.

  23. That Chelsea is out of control, but now that’s she’s had her 15 minutes of internet fame, it’s on to the next…..

  24. you are such a tart bea.. or is it b? so now i see you have managed to make scott fall in lurv with you, have you seen his latest post? :-)

    • Yes, I have…and the feeling is mutual.

      You see, Scott and I share a love that can only be interrupted by poor internet connections, WordPress issues, and/or flood season in Spain.

  25. I was talking to Chelsea the other night and asked her what you’d get if you crossed the Jonas brothers with Lady Gaga. She said nothing worth talking about.

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