Billboard’s Greatest Hits

. “Father Guild Says Howdy”- Father Guild

TRACK LISTING

“Howdy”

.

 *****


“Things To Do On A Rainy Night” – This Lady

TRACK LISTING

“Dishes”

“Laundry”

“Wash Hair”

“Call Mom And Dad”

“Get Naked, Grab Blanket And Go Lie Tits-Up On The Linoleum”

“Solitaire”

“Rug Hooking”

“Watch TiVo’d Episodes Of Kate Plus Eight”

.

*****

,

.“Looks Like Rain” -Mickey Newbury.

TRACK LISTING

“Looks Like Rain”

“Or Beads Of Sweat”

“Or Tiny Blobs Of Clear Wet Stuff”

“Or Little Glass Marbles”

“Or See-Through Q-Tip Ends”

“Or Miniature Chocolate Chips But Instead Of Chocolate They’re Water”

“Or Colorless Sesame Seeds Magnified To 5X Their Original Size”

“Or Silica Gel Beads Which Is Actually A Misnomer Because It’s Not Really Gel But a Rather A Granular Form of Silicon Dioxide”

“But Mostly Rain”

,

*****

.

.“I Call It Trouble” -Barbara Acklin

TRACK LISTING

“I Call It Trouble”

“My Doctor Calls It Treponema Pallidum”

“My Friends Call It Boyfriend Repellent”

“My Mom Calls It Serves You Right”

“Hookers Call It A Job Hazard”

“My Ex Calls Me A Whore”

“Guys Don’t Call At All”

.

 *****

.

“This Dream’s On Me” -Gene Watson

TRACK LISTING

“No, I Mean It”

“A Gal Like You Shouldn’t Be Paying For Dreams”

“Bartender, Get The Lady A Dream”

“Actually, Make It Two”

“As You Can Tell By My Bed-Head, I Dream A Lot”

“So, What’s Say We Go Back To Your Place For A Few Dreams?”

“I Feel Like Getting My Dream On”

“Wait…What Do You  Mean You Don’t Invite Strangers Over For Dreams?”

“Why Didn’t You Tell Me That Before I Pulled Out My Wallet?”

.

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Comments

  1. “Things To Do On A Rainy Night” – This Lady

    Got milk?

    “This Dream’s On Me” -Gene Watson

    “I’m still open for that brokeback part.”

    Youse dood it agin :-)

    • Haha! Honestly Jammer, I think I like your tracks better.

      Even if the “Got Milk” one did make me laugh in a “Thanks, but I think I’ll skip breakfast this morning” kind of way… ;)

  2. If she wants to do something creative on a rainy night, I could suggest a new font for the album cover, seeing as child-like magic marker titles are so preteen. Unlike her breasts. Her breasts are definately post-teen circa 1968. I would suggest parking them in a shoulder holster pronto, because Mickey Newbury sees that rain coming his way, and is obviously yearning to get his noodle wet.

    And it seems to me that Gene Watson has a mighty puffed ‘fro and is dreaming of another skin color, which is great news for Ms. Acklin. His pimped belt may offset the lame plaid shirt, but just barely. I see trouble coming, too . . . in a fashion sense. Ms. Acklin looks like a tough customer, so we better call in Father “Howdy” Guild, just in case. He covers weddings AND funerals!

    Great blog, Bschooled! Always fun through a tinted lens . . .

    • Ha! Yes, I definitely agree with you, Dan. In fact, had I known earlier who Titty McTitterson actually was (thanks NM!), I’d have offered up my photoshopping skillz and given her album cover a more LOLCAT!-type design.

      (Not to brag or anything, but I have a gift.)

      I doubt Father Guild is still alive, but if he I know is he’d be grateful that you included him in this “sure to be a blockbuster hit” ensemble. You know how old people are. “Just happy to be included, son!”

  3. I believe Father Guild owns every one of those albums, and after he sees this post he’ll be calling every one of those nice folks to see if they want to do a duet.

    • “Father Guild Collaboration Album”-track listing (in order of appearance):

      “Howdy Ho”

      “Howdy Doobie”

      *ignore* (not worth the risk at his age)

      “Howdy Homely”

      (You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the album that finally catapults him into the thicket of fame.)

  4. I usually get you should have told me that so I would have pulled out first!

  5. WOW… Gene Watson’s attempt at romance comes off very serial-rapist-ish, no? Don’t stare into those evil eyes too long people.

  6. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Bschooled, you are a comic genius, plain and simple. The world could use more bschooleds. Billboard’s Greatest Hits is one my favorite posts and you always deliver in spades (and hearts and diamonds and clubs). I was especially fond of the “I Call it Trouble” album. Those tracks could be chapters in my earlier life. Well done, bschooled. Always a pleasure to stop in (somewhat akin to a lingering visit at a coffeehouse where you don’t leave until you finish a few pots of coffee, are down to your last cigarette or the proprietor asks you to vacate the table because you have worn out your welcome).

    • Thank-you, E. It’s always a treat when you visit.

      Not only is your commentary priceless, you always have the courage to expose the “skeletons in your closet”. (Which are likely the same skeletons currently being held hostage in the closets of 90% of the population.)

  7. “Howdy!” Father Guild. He brings such clarity (nevermind brevity) to his music. It’s very admirable.

    I have to say that it looks like This Lady had her hands full! And it must hurt like hell to record all those songs in that position.

    Thank you, b, for always making me laugh :)

    • Father Guild may be a man of few words a word, but I think you’ll agree that word is a powerful one. (And let’s not forget neighborly!)

      I’m guessing that free sessions with the Chiropractor were included in her contract.

      Thanks, T:)

  8. Bschooled,

    Why don’t I ever get clever and think of the middle one in the list to do on rainy nights? We certainly many a rainy nights here, and it’s raining right now, too, only I’m in the mood to wash my hair.

    And Howdy, to you, too, Father Guild. If we play his album in slow motion, we might hear the rest of the lyrics coming through in subliminal messages. It’s worth a shot.

    Thanks, b, for another hilarious grouping :-D.

  9. That Lady is Jayne Mansfield!

  10. Things to do on a rainy night should have the track “Yoga”

  11. It’s all so disturbing and deliciously funny.

    Things to do on a rainy night…how about cook an omelette and have some sex.

    And how about Mickey Newbury’s follow-up album, “Looks Likes Aggravated Sexual Assault”, which includes such great tracks as: ‘Will The Defendant Please Rise’ and ‘She Said She Was 18.’

    • Hahaha!

      But seriously, though, I don’t think the first one would fly. I mean, who eats omelettes anymore?

      ps. Do you know where I can get my hands on Mickey Newbury’s follow-up album? Christmas is coming, and I think it would be a nice change from that Boney M crap my mother always plays.

  12. Album 2, Track 5…on and on until the break of dawn.

  13. This is HILARIOUS!!!!! If I ever get married, I want my first dance with my husband to be to one of the following:

    “Get Naked, Grab Blanket And Go Lie Tits-Up On The Linoleum”
    OR
    “My Ex Calls Me A Whore”
    OR
    “Bartender, Get The Lady A Dream”

    I’m a sucker for romance Bschooled, what can I say?

    • You and I both.

      Hey, maybe we could hold one of those double weddings? My song was going to be “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” but I’m willing to compromise.

  14. These are, quite easily, the sexiest album covers I have seen in the last several decades.

    Father Guild, “howdy” yourself!

  15. Well you know how I like to find the bonus material on these albums (which is usually just more music, thank God) so lets get started, shall we? (Rhetorical of course.)

    Father Guild
    “Hoi”
    “Aloha”
    “Namaste”
    “Ciao”
    “Salaam”
    “Hola”
    “Now let’s get you into something more comfortable”

    This Lady
    “Read a book”
    “Oh God damn it I’m out of cigarettes. Now I have to get dressed and go out in this shit. Mother fucker.”
    “Take a bath”

    Mic Newbury
    “Good, it’s raining”
    “I’ll call This Lady and tell her I have plenty of smokes and Budweiser’s”
    “I am so going to get laid”

    Barbara Acklin
    “I have to call the pharmacy to get these filled”
    “Hmm, I better call my HMO and make sure these are covered first”

    Gene Watson
    “My life is a nightmare”
    “Seriously, look into my eyes”
    “I’m about 3 days away from jumping off a bridge onto a busy highway”

    You just get better and better B!

    • Seriously dude, you had me at Ho. Or I mean, Hoi.

      From Father Guild to Gene Watson, you’ve done something that nobody else (besides me) has ever done before. Which is coming up with kickass tracks for these albums. Well, maybe somebody else has done it before, but if they have, they sure as hell didn’t tell me about it. (I could be wrong, but I’m guessing it’s because they were really embarrassed about it.)

      Anyhoo, as you can probably tell from this WTF? comment, I recently ingested three Tylenol, a muscle relaxant and a jar of Vaseline. Which means I’ll have to finish this comment later.

      (At least that’s what I think it means?)

  16. I have to say, I am truly surprised that Father Guild didn’t included a bonus cover version of “Its Raining Men” and that This Dreams on Me didn’t include the track “Just Pop this Rohypnol Baby, you’ll be Dreamin All Night Long”. I guess its true what they say, wonders will never cease….

    Wickedly funny as always bschooled, x

  17. I was honored to see Gene Watson in concert once. He played some new music including the “I Got the Bob Ross Look Going for Me.”

  18. You wouldn’t think so by looking at his inanely cheerful face, but the Father Guild is one of the toughest guilds to gain admittance to.

    One would think by its name that all you’d need to do is procreate, an act made even easier by the guild’s policy against birth control. You’d think that, but you’d be wrong, as was made abundantly clear by the “Assuming Makes An Ass Out of You and Ming” Powerpoint presentation that greeted my first attempt to join their fertile ranks.

    Beyond the usual life-threatening hazing and early morning “abduction drills,” there’s also a long, long list of items to be acquired and tasks to be done before the Father Guild will even consent to put your name into the lottery system that determines your possible placement on the waiting list, which currently admits one member per Halley’s Comet sighting.

    I’m sure many of you have enjoyed a scavenger hunt or two in your lives, but the Father Guild’s list of required items exceeds even the grasp of the heartiest scavenger. Here are just a few of the mandatory items you’ll find on your list:

    – The first dew of a Highland spring.
    – The extraneous middle name of a trust-funded child between the ages of 14-19.
    – Zig-Zag rolling papers.
    – A Dvorak keyboard.
    – A McSweeney’s acceptance letter.
    – A pre-War Noritake tea set.
    – One (1) elf.
    – A clean urine sample from any former child star.
    – 1 package pipe cleaners (for “craft time”)
    – A “semi-retired” blogger.

    That list alone stole away four years of my life, along with a large chunk of my life savings and lots and lots of self-respect. But Father #1 had more. There was also an equally long list of “Things to Do,” which ran several pages and had to be carried in a bound package, lest the perforation of the dot-matrix printer paper become separated from the list and thus join the “great unwashed.”

    The quests were numerous and impossible:

    – Solve for x using only base-64 numerals.
    – “Rice up” the leader’s Fiero.
    – Find three functioning restrooms at “Burning Man.”
    – Style Donald Trump’s hair in a “believable” fashion.
    – Likewise with either Joaquin Phoenix (facial hair only) or Gene Watson (facial or head – your choice).
    – Find a single understated font for upcoming porn LP “Things to Do on a Rainy Day.”
    – Assist local rich man in gaining entrance to heaven. (Alternately: secure one [1] needle and one [1] Camel; proceed according to Biblical instructions.)
    – Consume Cobra’s entire line of 40 oz. malt beverages in under two hours without a trip to the emergency room/clink.
    – Secure one (1) platinum certification for any of Father Guild’s albums.
    – Talk your way out of a ticket.

    Suffice to say that after 11 years of attempts, I have finally reached the upper-lower echelon of potential additions to the backup waiting list.

    Wish me luck!

    • HAHA! Well, Mr. Tamer, I’m glad to see your hiatus hasn’t had any negative effects on your ability to jump right into the thicket of the issue at hand.

      No wonder Father Guild looks so old for his 30-something years, I can’t even imagine making it to the tea set, let alone to the part where I style Donald Trump’s golden/yellow/cigarette stained(?)-like mane.

      Since I seem to be suffering from a bit of the flu, the thought of choosing between Joaquin’s “flavor savor” and Gene’s “flavor repeller” is not something I can think about right now. But I promise you, the minute I’m able to keep anything down for more than 30 seconds at a time, I’ll create a detailed SWOT analysis. (Just so I can make a well-informed decision that I know I’ll be happy with.)

      Brilliant as ever, CLT.

      You’re just like Phil Donahue, only less “Donahu-ey”.

      (?)

  19. Nice placement of album covers Bschooled, Father Guild is doing the missionary position with that Lady :)

    Hey Gene, Chuck rang and he wants his wig back!

  20. Again you seem to have more fun then most.

    “Father Guild Sings” “Howdy-Howdy-Howdy-lord God all Howdy”
    “Things To Do On A Rainy Night” “Pluck nose hairs”
    “Looks Like Rain” “Yellow rain keeps fallen on my head”
    “I Call It Trouble” -Barbara Acklin Alias Mike Tyson
    “This Dream’s On Me” Night Bobby boy, Night Mary girl, Night Gene boy, Night Pap man, Night mam woman, Night John boy.

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