Retro Monday Pt. I*- Twi-ing To Relate

.*FYI-there are no more parts

**Sorry for the crappy photoshopping job. Unfortunately due to the recession, there are currently no good photoshopping jobs available.






























  1. I hope Jacob didn’t break his nose because he was dallying inappropriately with someone else’s coccyx. We’ll just have to see if he’s hanging out with someone sitting on a phone book in the sequel.

    • You mean they’re actually doing a sequel? Well, they’re going to have to recast Jacob then, because most broken coccyx injuries can take years to fully heal. Even longer if they require surgery (though these cases are rare and represent the gross exception to the normally experienced minor cracks seen in most tailbone fractures).

      And besides, wolfmen with broken noses aren’t nearly as hot.

  2. B, I have a cat and I used to have a dog and might again get a dog, so as long as I live so close to Canada and might visit again soon, can you tell me what is the conversation rate for dog years and cat years? I used to know this when I lived closer to Canada (45 minutes in Michigan instead of 6 hours in New York) but at that time had no cat or dog – hey, isn’t it curious how we always have this knowledge hanging around that we can’t make use of? But I digress. If only I had had a cat or dog at the time I might remember now, but I didn’t. So can you help me?

    Thanks B, I know whatever your reply is, I will be the better for it.


    • My pleasure, John.

      In order to figure out the conversion for cat and dog years (or, domesticated aniversion, as we like to call it), just take the age of your pet and divide it by however many miles per gallon that your car currently gets.

      Then, multiply that number how many litres per 100/km that your Canadian mode of transport (probably a snow blower or cross-country skis) will get, add a toque, some warm mittens and William Shatner’s new book, and voila! You’re one step closer to figuring it out!

      Hope that helps!


      ps. If you need the conversion chart, just let me know.

  3. :-) Twilight—ugh…I’m ready to grab a baseball bat and start cracking the coccyges of Twi-Hards by the dozen—unless I’m north of the boarder, in which case I’ll use a hockey stick (or a bear-cock) to assault those whacky blanched bastards…

    Whatever happened to grabbing 2-bowls of Count-Chocula and some sun?


  4. okay never saw twilight or any other vampire series, but i have seen dracula but it sucked cause it was in black and white. my question today is, why are you not on my FB friend-list b (or bea)?

    • Haha! Good question, Lynn!

      To tell you the truth, Bea doesn’t actually have any Facebook friends. (I think it might have something to do with the fact that I talk about myself in third person.)

  5. I think its safe to assume that you don’t like “Twilight”, eh?

    I’m much the same way about the Harry Potter series.

    • I’ve never read Harry Potter. I have all of the books, but for some reason I just can’t bring myself to open them.

      When I finally broke down and read the first two Twilight books, I spent so much time obsessing over certain little inconsistencies that I couldn’t stay focused on the actual story. I’m creepy that way.

  6. Seriously…I am surprised noone replied. “Well you can suck my Coccyx”

  7. If they sparkle in sunlight then in the movie when there were shadows on the ground why did they not sparkle then??????????

    • Good question!

      Don’t worry, I’ll find out for you. (Not to brag or anything, but when it comes to the Twi-teen group I’m a pretty big deal.)

      • Really, I watched a bit of it on the old computer, and in this last POS, they didn’t sparkle in the sunlight. Could it be the state banned sparkling, and the vamps complied? Is it like a radioactive thing, where the half-life has run out? Botox injections? A new anti-sparkling cream (But wait . . . with your first order of our new Sparkle Be Gone body cream, you get our one of a kind Fang Rooter. You vampires know how difficult it is getting old blood out of the fang canal don’t you? Well, this rooter makes it easy plus it sharpens the fangs at the same time. Made of high quality stainless steel. All you pay is extra shipping and handling.)?

        I kinda wonder if being young again would make this picture more palatable. Then I think about going through puberty again and go beat my head against the nearest wall.

        • Stellar questions, Jammer5. All of them. I only wish I knew the answers, especially about the shipping and handling costs. (Seriously, who wouldn’t want a one-of-a-kind stainless steel fang rooter? I mean, it’s one-of-a-kind!!!

          Maybe my cousin might know, according to my Aunt, he’s going through a bit of a “vampire phase” right now. Only he’s the kind of vampire that wears a baseball cap and hoodie instead of a cape. And instead of sucking blood, he robs liquor stores.

          But other than that, it’s pretty much the same thing…

  8. Why did the wolfs get 10 times bigger than their human counterpart?????????????
    Why don’t blood suckers not suck on wolfs????????
    Why does a vampire jump up in a tree to get away from another vampire, Can’t they jump up into trees too?????????
    Why don’t they bless all the water around the world? then when you drink the water you’ll have blessed blood.
    Aren’t Moonie’s called vampires? They suck money from us and that to some is their life blood.

  9. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I love your irreverent brand of humour, Bea, and if I ever get a facebook account, it will be because of you.

  10. Okay, I didn’t watch the movies (? movie?) or read the books, but I totally understand teen obsession and – get this!! – I understand Canadian currency, time, and the metric system. I’m a little screwed up on temperatures though. I’m working on it :)

  11. frigginloon says:

    Holy crap why am I wasting my time on blogs when there is so much more fun to be had on Facebook. Wait til I start converting Aussie time and exchange rate … that will confuse the shit out of the little fuckers :)

    • The only problem with your otherwise novel idea, FL, is that it will confuse the shit out of me as well…

      Even though I have friends in Oz who I talk to regularly, I can’t keep track of Aussie time to save my life.

  12. Don’t worry B; I got your back all night. And I didn’t mean that at all how it sounded. Unless you think it sounded like I’ll protect you from these twittering twerpy tweens, because that right there was how I really meant it.

    I had been thinking about watching one of those movies, I love a good vampire movie after all. “Maggots Michael, you’re eating maggots” and all of that. But seeing these little twitards in action makes me think they all got hit in the developing fetus with a twetal twalcohol twiyndome.

    This was another of my new favorites B; you twucking with twese twi-twats!

    PS- And I hope you aren’t cheating on me with The Twilight Series Book Club guy. Seriously.

    PPS- Where were you with the coccyx advice when I needed you?

    • Thank-you, Scott. Even though my back is technically about 8,409.95 kilometres (5,225.71 miles) away from you (thanks Google), still I knew you’d have it.

      Just so you know, I love “twetal twalcohol twiyndome” so much, I’ve decided to bestow that name upon my future (non-existent) child. I think people will really like it because it sounds so exotwic.


      ps. Of course not!!! (Besides, he wears a satchel so I’m pretty sure he’s gay)

      pps. If it makes you feel better, I only started taking an interest in coccyx after your incident so I could help you cope. But just before I went to email you, I got distracted by that zany website with the LOLCats. (They’re cats! And they LOL!)

  13. I’ve always wondered about this. I bookmarked your site. Great job.

  14. OMG LOL – out loud! I seen New Moon in theaters negative four times too! And in the sky once month also!
    Say, do you have New Moon in the sky in the North part of Canada??? I’d sooooooo love to see that!

  15. Woah. I feel overwhelmed and afraid. Not to mention hungry. Itchy too in a way. This Twilight mania is draining. What do I do next? Shower?

    • NO!!! Whatever you do, DO NOT SHOWER!!

      (But only because I recently became an active Environmentalist who specializes in Water Conservation. What can I say…it passes the time.)

      Maybe try Pilates?

  16. Considering that you’re neither a teen nor a mother, you gave your all as an unqualified FB groupee, and I admire that very much, Bea Schooled! Keep up the good and dishonest work and let us know how it all pans out :-D.

    P.S. Sounds like Jacob needs to sit on a “donut.” Preferably not one with powdered sugar or nuts. If he sits on a maple bar, that will only make matters worse, so please don’t lead him astray with your Canadian ways ;-).

    Thanks, b!

  17. Vampires don’t sparkle in sunlight!!! At least not for very long!!!

    I would like to send a donation to help defray the cost of bschooled’s efforts to educate Facebook users about this important matter … :-P

    • Thank you so much, Dennis! I was waiting for someone to offer a donation…

      If you could send me a satchel full of North-American bills and two round-trip tickets to a sunny destination, it will really help get the ball rolling on my selfless mission.

  18. Okay, so I have decided to start a gang and I need you as a member. No one, I mean no one, has a better wit. I am designing jackets as we speak…er…type. Whatever.

    Oh, and when you drop some amazing comebacks during my fantasized verbal rumble, I will be behind you saying “Yeah” and “ooooh no she di-int!”. This is what I think about before bed. That and how the term “organic” is loosely used.

    • I thought we already had a gang? Seriously, why else would I spend so much money on a set of “Will and B” engraved brass-plated knuckles?

      Only it’s already been decided that you’re going to be the leader of our gang. Not only are you wittier, you also do way better in situations involving Jehovah’s Witnesses.

  19. I wanted to come check your blog out after hearing about it via Zodi’s blog. Very glad I did. That is hilarious!

  20. As always, I am amazed at your tireless work to educate the masses. You are truly an inspiration.

  21. Wait….Hold up…. Wait a minute…. the drinking age is 18????? Fuck i’m sure momma told me it was 6…when I had to start cracking her beers open for her… Northern Canada is the Bomb… And by bomb I mean, Canadian beer and Snowmobiles!!!
    I’ll meet you at the icefishin hut you bring the Canadian and I will bring the Club! Deal?

    • Deal! Oh, and can you also bring me a bucket? Only because beer makes me vomit. Having been raised on the hard stuff, I’m not used to the lower alcohol content.

  22. Needless to say, I am looking forward to your unrelated posts. This was a great primer for what’s not coming next and I was doubly thrilled/confused (like so many other twi-teens suffering through their budding sexuality) to see that I had missed this one the first time around, probably because I was busy doing the same thing the Twi-teens were doing: scouring the internet for available teenagers/beating Twi-moms.

    All this proves that the more things change, the more they remain the same for people stuck in permanent adolescence. The first book came out like ten years ago (approx. — maybe someone could wikipedia this for me) meaning that the average Twilight fan is most likely in their early to mid-20s with an average of 1.5 accidental children. No wonder they’re looking for new blood. (Hahaha. I’m off to punch myself several times in the most painful part of my brain for using that line.)

  23. Love it, of course!

    And the question as to whether one would prefer to be a vampire or a werewolf–I have an amusing story on that:
    I’d definitely prefer to be a werewolf! And when I was in my twenties, I tried to be! I’d read that one could become a werewolf by rolling naked in the sand under a full moon. There was a neighborhood park not far from me, that had some adjoining woods. And one night, under a full moon, while drunk on beer, I took my clothes off, and rolled around in the sand in those woods! Didn’t become a werewolf, but did have from then on, this story to tell!

    • Haha!

      That is the kind of story that should be made into a best-selling novel. I know at least ten vampire-loving beer drinkers who would line up to read it.

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