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Parenting Tip #1,335,645: If you want your teenager to stop spending so much time on Facebook, then you need to quit asking them who they text.
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Just Making Convo 
I say torture them until they move out of the house…it’s our job!
I agree, Amie. If they spend the first 18-29 years of their life being bullied at home, dealing with harassment in the workplace will be a piece of cake.
yeah I always tell my son if you can survive your father and I…life will be easy!
I’m like so totally wondering what just happened. Was that the rapture? Is it okay to pick up and use all the bling left behind? Kind of a joke there . . . hahahaha.
Haha!
I wish it was the rapture, Jammer. I’ve had my bags packed for so long that I wouldn’t be surprised if my “rapture-ready condoms” were past their expiration date.
I don’t like it when my mother ask me anything.
I don’t even like my mother to talk to me.
She has been dead for 10 years and is still trying to tell me what to do.
No mother I’m not texting stop asking and put your head back on.
She is getting so forgetful anymore.
Yes mother I’ll be down in the basement in a minute. Yes, I’ll bring the knife and rope.
Leave me alone so I can finish Blogging. No, it is not texting.
Sorry I have to get off now.
Mom the meter reader is not here yet I still have time.
Haha! Your mother sounds lovely Ellis.
Really, what I find to be most disconcerting is that you don’t have Automated Meter Reading.:)
What’s texting?
It’s like sexting, only without the sex part.
Pointless, really.
Denny sexts–except with his penis.
Isn’t that what it’s for?
Oh my God. You’re killing me with this. I was dying at “Aj.”
This needs to be a book. I would buy this book, then gift it to someone I love for Christmas.
HI-larious.
Funny, I was actually going to ask you if you’d be interested in co-writing a book with me. Only it wouldn’t be so much a book, more like a collection of old blog posts copied and pasted into a book. (And priced at $24.99 each.) I was thinking along the lines of a FB Group/Mystery/Science-Fiction type Memoir, with just enough softcore porn to keep things playful.
Think about it- our book would be exactly like “Skinny Bitch,” only totally different!
aren’t those called “e-books”? Or are those special ecstacy pills? I dunno. I just dunno.
I thought “e-books” were ecstasy pills?
No wonder Amazon didn’t respond to my question re: overnight shipping.
If you have to ask who they are sexting, then you have a problem…
You got an even bigger problem if they answer “Grandpa”.
And in real trouble if Grampa died back in 1977.
As a mother, I resent…well, let’s be honest…I resemble these remarks – lol!
And I am soooooooooooooooo glad that my kids grew up cell-phone free (yes, it was in the Jurassic Period when you had to send smoke signals or clang rocks together loudly…both of which resulted in sweat and tears and less than successful communication with friends…and I did try to encourage them to use pterodactyls to carry small stone messages, the idea never took off until the big birds died and the pigeons took over…or was it doves first? I’m not that great at family history).
You think that’s bad, back when I was young, we didn’t even have call display. AND I was stuck playing Super Mario Brothers all day!
ps. Seriously, T, if I ever have kids (fingers crossed!) I am using the clanging rocks/pterodactyl carrier reference for EVERYTHING. It’s soooo much better than my parents speech about how they were forced to communicate via writing hieroglyphics on the rock of Gibraltar (which back then was only a pebble).
For the record: I notice. I’ll see your backpack and raise you a case of the willies.
Are you talking about Willi Waller?
If so, I guess I have to fold. This pot is too rich for my blood.
Where can I get a case of willies Kyk?
I’ll send you a shipping container packed with our board of directors. They’re all dicks.
You totally kill me with these FB posts. I’m tempted to join just to track your mockery of FB’ers! Or FB lickers??
I can’t in good conscience recommend it, Doctor. Especially now that I’ve graduated to the 30-60 year-old demographic.
I’ll spare you the “eyeball-bleeding” details, but suffice it to say, if Dr. Oz tells you to drink the juice, you drink the juice.
I would be honored (or honoured as you would say it) to be your FB friend. :)
I love how you integrated “ima” into your vocabulary. You’re a fast learner.
Will ima find out that she is saying. Ima right now.
Thx!
ButreallyItsagift.
I wonder how many of those little whippersnappers recognized, much less appreciated, your Suicidal Tendencies allusion.
“Suicidal Tendencies??? Isn’t she that Emo chick who was in my Science class last year?
“Since when did she get into Magic?”
Honestly, this is brilliance personified and Facebooked! I’m with Vodka, this should be a book, and a magazine, and a dot.com, and a tote bag and action figures. I could read this all day long.
The best part about these posts are that you just blend right in with all the other tweens/window lickers/raptards…wait, did you do one on the rapture ready group yet? Because I will personally pay you for that one.
I think that girl’s mom should forget her own doctor and try to get an appointment with Doctor Faggot though, he seems to know his stuff.
OMG, I didn’t even think to check if there was a Rapture Ready group. I guess I just assumed they’d all be too busy packing and stuff.
Thank-you, Scott. Not only for the well-deserved praise, but for giving me something to do this weekend.
I love how you block out the last name of these kids to protect their identity.
Actually, I’m protecting myself.
If the “General Hospital” FB group is any indication, the Mothers of these kids are ruthless.
Just curious, did Luke and Laura ever reconcile?
Good question.
I just always assumed that Laura would still be in the mental hospital and Luke would be somewhere in Belize, selling hemp bracelets and ganja to tourists at a %200 mark-up.
If I had a child that I hated and they told me that they were texting “Dr. Faggot” I would probably start laughing and say something lame like, “Why? Do you think you have a textually transmitted disease?” Then I would beat them for using such a hateful word. I probably wouldn’t stop laughing, though.
I love doing stuff like this online and commend you for having similar interests. This was hysterical and I am looking forward to it being part of your book.
I agree. Really, in the end it’s all about the laughter. My friend told me once that when she was a kid, her parents took her to visit her Grandmother’s grave. Being only six years old at the time (and not as gifted as I was at that age), she read the words on the gravestone as “Remember The Lotter”.
(While I realize this has nothing to do with your comment, I think you’ll agree that it needed to be said.)
Funny stuff B. You’re still the funniest Canadian I know, except for Celine Dion of course.
;-)
Ha! Damn those French for being so ironic.
ps. Guess what, FJ!
We’re going to Disneyland!
A girl without a cell phone??? I”m getting a feeling in the pit of my stomach that just might be….(ick!) love?
No wait, you’re on Facebook, so it’s probably just the rancid pork I ate at lunch.
Phew! Close call.
I’m sorry to hear about the feeling you almost got, Sedate Me. (While I’ve never had it myself, I’ve heard that it can be extremely debilitating.)
Next time you should try the honey glazed version instead. While it may not have the same “kick”, trust me when I say it’s much easier on your stomach. (Plus, if you add a little ice cream and sprinkles, it makes a great dessert as well.)
Thanks for stopping by, Sedate Me.
Bschooled:)
I was hoping this would have over 2,000,000 likes by now: http://www.facebook.com/pages/100000-People-Who-Think-Ahmnodt-Heare-Would-Have-Been-a-better-President/209506747121?ref=ts
Give it another week, Ahmnodt.
Even the group “I laugh at GUYS who work at Subway because they have to make me a sandwich” took some time to catch on.
Now I know why you changed your Avatar :)
I poked a FB licker once, it wasn’t pretty :(
I’m not surprised…
(Bug bites are never pretty.)
I’m with Scott, I could read this all day. Absolutely love it. In fact, maybe you need to pose some follow up questions/statements to keep it running, like “my parents hate it when i say i will be home at 10, and then i get home at 11”, or, “why do my parents ask me how school was, like, every.single. day.”…who knows, the riveting excitement of it all may be just what it takes to convert me to Facebook….
Come to the other side, Ruby. With you working your FB magic from one continent and me from the other, just think of what we could accomplish!
I’d suggest that the parents get a corresponding Facebook page called:
“I hate it that my birth control failed and that now I have an ungrateful child who thinks I actually care about who he/she’s texting when in actual fact I’m just concerned because I’m the one who is paying the damned bill and last month it was like $600.”
(They might want to edit the name a wee bit).
Fine antics as always Bschooled!
Your friend,
Don
Great idea, Don! Consider it done!
I know you said a parent should create it, but unfortunately, out of the millions that are actually on Facebook, 90% are too busy commenting on “My Kid Just Texted The Darndest Thing”.
Oh, and the other 10% are over at “Fans of General Hospital,” fighting over whether or not Sonny and Brenda will ‘Get off da gas and relise there luv is ment to be’.
Anyway, thanks for the suggestion, Don. I’ll keep you posted on what happens. (I’m guessing they’ll eventually reunite, but not before Claire does ‘everathang in her power’ to keep Sonny for herself.)
Dear maam, I have been trying to get in touch with you regarding your herpes test. I regret to inform you that you have Super Double Herpes. There are things you need to avoid doing now such as talking to people, typing on a keyboard and logging onto facebook.
This is a very serious matter. Please get in touch with me.
ps, I am sorry I gave you Super Double Herpes