How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?


-Punch her in the throat

-Hire a Hitman

-Threaten to take legal action

-Get everyone to stand around in a circle and heckle her


-Totally ignore her and hope she gets the hint

-Put her in a bathtub full of ice and remove her kidney

-Tell her to “Look over there!” then run away

-Stage an Intervention

-Smother her with a pillow while she’s sleeping

-Tell everyone that she’s easy and write her name all over the bathroom stall

-Use positive reinforcement

-Whenever she asks you a question, say “Solly, me no speak Engrish…”

-Waterboarding techniques

-Try to remember what you were like at that age

-Put her on a strict high protein/low carbohydrate diet

-Use the Quadratic Formula

-Ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?”

-Pour sugar in her gas tank

-Set fire to a random house then plant incriminating evidence on  her

-Create a Fishbone diagram

-Take naked photos of her and post them all over Facebook

-Start with the Flying Headscissors then top it off with the Belly-to-Back Cross-arm Chicken Wing

-Take away her allowance and/or television privileges

-Get a restraining order

-Ask Jeeves

-Send her to a convent



  1. Hahaha… Those will definitely solve that problem that is Maria. (And, oh, what a problem that bitch is!)

    A few other handy dandy tips…

    -Melon ball her

    -Excommunicate her to the “Pork and Beans Room”

    -Rocks of crack (Hey, Maria, the first one’ free!)

    -Hanged, drawn and quartered – it makes for a pleasant afternoon and Maria gets to see her genitals burn… Hmm, too much? Nah!

    -Get a plunger, a leather mask, a sticky wicket and a trampoline… It’ll all fall into place from there

    -Tell her she’s adopted

    -Leave a flaming bag of dog shit on her doorstep

    -Introduce her to people who aren’t white

    -Guillotines! Guillotines! Guillotines!

    -Deadly nightshade (and a melon baller)

    -Have her marry Caligula

    -Drown her in saccharine

    -Make her listen to her singing voice (there’s a reason it’s called “The Sound of Mucus”)

    -Cheese Whiz her to death

    -Post the video of her and the goat having sex on YouTube

    -Strap her to a chair and force her to watch every episode of “Saved By The bell” then hit her with a bell. (Or a melon baler… Other variations on the Ludovico Technique can be applied, it’s the principle behind the method we’re going for here…)

    -Scald and scold her

    -Banish her to Planet Merkin

    -Marry her off to York AND Don Mills

    -Make her “Do The Froog”

    -Chisel her just right

    -Tell her where babies come from

    -Brain her (with a melon baler)

    • HAHA! Those are brilliant Alan!

      …but unfortunately they won’t work. Here’s why:

      -I lost my melon ball in an unfortunate mining accident (didn’t even see the mine coming)

      -The “Pork and Beans Room” is currently closed for renovations

      -She’s been rocking crack since they were pebbles

      -Maria’s genitals were already burned in aforementioned mining accident (sadly they did see it coming)

      -I’m saving my plunger, leather mask, sticky wicket and trampoline for Hallow’s Eve

      -I’m adopted as well

      -I don’t have a dog

      -I don’t know any people like that

      -She wears a wimple made of steel

      -(*see “mining accident”)

      -He’s a man-whore (—Caligula.jpg )

      -they still aren’t sure of the long term side-effects

      -She’s tone-deaf

      -She’s lactose intolerant

      -I already posted a video of me and the goat having sex on YouTube and it received luke-warm reviews

      -To her that’s just a regular Saturday afternoon

      -She tends to get off on scalding and scolding…(and scaffolding, but that’s another story)

      -Her Merkin is already the size of a small planet

      -York-maybe, Don-no. I can’t risk the chance of her taking over my role as “Executor of Mr. Mills Will”

      -She eats Froogs for breakfast (along with an 8-ounce glass of Tang and a multi-vitamin)

      -I left my Chisel in San Francisco (I was visiting Perry Como)

      -(*see planet Merkin comment)

      -I need to school her before I can brain her…(or is it vice-versa?)

      I’m running out of options here….

      • Hah! Riot!

        Clearly you’ve thought this through much more than I have, and for that you are to be commended… Well played old bean! (I said that with a British accent, to make it sound real classy.) Your dedication to “solving the Maria problem” is dynamically heroic, scientifically based, and, one suspects, crammed up the wazoo with empirical evidence and all kinds of good stuff like that there.

        I was going to suggest wrapping her in Swiss cheese and Swiss Chalet, then stuffing her in a canon and firing her from the Alps, but I’m a feared (yes, that’s right, I said “a feared”) that this plan of mine is also ill conceived (there’s the lactose thing, and finding a Swiss Chalet in Switzerland may actually prove challenging… plus the whole notion of Maria wrapped in chicken, cheese and special sauce makes my stomach rot)…

        Yeah, that won’t work.

        Okay, we’ll punch in the throat.

        And then do all that other stuff.

        PS. Got a link to that goat video of yours?

        • Alan,

          Have I told you yet today how classy you sound with that accent of yours? Although to be honest, I didn’t realize it was British…I thought you were from Fargo.

          Not that there’s really much difference when it comes down to it…

          As for cramming things up the wazoo, what can I say. I’m a crammer. It’s what I do. It’s also what Richard Gere “used to do”, but that’s an entirely different story. Hey wait a minute…maybe I should be solving problems like Richard Gere instead?

          Nevermind, I shouldn’t jump ahead of myself. (I might walk straight into my back if I do that!)

          I actually like your Swiss-Cheese/Swiss Alps/Swiss Chalet suggestion the best. And because all of my suggestions come fully equipped with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, I really think we’re on to something here. Enough talking in wacky accents, let’s do this!

          Like Valerie Bertinelli always says, “Race you to the top for a Jenny cake!”

          ps. The video didn’t get good enough ratings to stay on Youtube. Which was strange, because it killed in Cannes…

  2. My suggestion sounds so simple-minded, nay retarded after this brilliant back and forth.

    I’d suggest you marry her off to an old man, very controlled with Nazi like tendencies and he’ll lock her up, never to be seen again.. while he slowly poisons her and has her think she’s going crazy…..only to be saved by………….Cary Grant.. but we’ll have long forgotten her by that time.

    • HA!

      Oh, DF, you kill me. The idea of an old-man being controlling and having Nazi like tendencies? Mr. Mills would be rolling over in his grave if he heard you say that! (or he will be anyway, just give him a few months)

      But I have to say, I like the concept…in fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that it just might be crazy enough to work. Especially like the part where Cary Grant comes and saves her.

      Now if I could only remember who in the hell this “her” is that I was talking about in the first place…

  3. Did this lady steal your man? I say so! She looks pretty nice to me. What did she do to your man that you refuse to do? You gotta do what you gotta do B, but what you gotta do what the man tells you to do too! [I love English] I bet freak Maria did it all. She is kinda cute, huh? In fact I’ve watched the sequel of that movie. It’s called “There’s something about Mary”. She had her hair grown up the way I like, she used semen to get it all nice and shiny. Why do you envy that poor little thing? Humpf

    Now, what if she is the bitch you are trying to convince the world she is? Then I say: burn the bitch alive or tell her to go down a water slide filled with gillete blades and dive into an alcohol filled swimming pool.

    • Ivan, of course she looks nice! I’d look nice too if I wore my hair in a bowl-cut and ran around in a field of grass wearing nothing but a conservative dress that left everything to the imagination.

      If she “took my man”, there wouldn’t be a problem (I have a bunch stored in my basement). The problem is, she took a good chunk of my childhood, since I couldn’t get that damn “Do-Re-Mi” song out of my head for over three years. I can’t even tea with jam and bread anymore, just because it brings back bad memories. Now I have to eat my jam and bread with Red-Bull (and a splash of vodka to taste).

      But you’re right…she did “kick it up a notch” in the sequel [I love English too].

      By the way, I have to admit that the word “semen” makes me a little squeamish (unless used in context with nautical adventures).

      Regardless, you are a true cyberfriend, Ivan. Your comment about “burning the bitch alive or telling her to go down a water slide filled with gillete blades and dive into an alcohol filled swimming pool” just proves it even more.

      Although you might want to see someone about those anger-management issues of yours…

      Obrigado para o comentário divertido,

      • Ok… you write a 1 mile long list of curses to the bitch and I’m the one with anger? Come on! And what’s wrong with do-re-mi? I know what is wrong! You never learned the thing. Did you ever wait till she finished the whole set of notes? They are 7 total B!!! Not 3, derrrr. If you’d waited till she sang the whole set [not sete, which is seven in portuguese, although they are 7. Cool! I love language!] of notes you could sing and play like we do in Brasil. Virtuoso, u know.

        Here is one performance in English of the SOM at our Opera House.

        • hey that’s the Aussie boys from The Chaser

        • I guess you’re right I van. We could both use a little counseling…maybe I’ll call up Rick Schnabel and ask himif he can do a group session via Skype. but only if he isn’t already busy doing whatever it is he does…

          I must say that this version gives me a whole new respect for the song…and even though Maria is looking a little “weathered” (that hair color really brings out her masculinity), you can tell that she’s really learned how to “lighten up”.

          Now that I think about it, maybe I’m the one with the problem…

  4. I’d speak to Cena about this.

    I hate to defer to him as he has a certain moral “knocking and pinging” about him, but he does know how to solve problems, and is willing to use a hands-on approach.

    I did take your advice though and asked Jeeves. He said, “Piss off. We’re closed.” Delightful. His accent reminded me of a young Alan, back in his “old bean” days.

    So many incredible solutions, bschooled. I do like the one that ends in a “chicken wing” like any good solution should. Did you ever see “Good Will Hunting?” Don’t. It will only make you speculate further about what the hell happened to Ben Affleck.

    Anyway, I believe one of those equations was solved with the “chicken wing,” as suggested by Albert Girard in 1632, with his theory stating that the “chicken wing in 1 mod 4 would be roughly the equivalent of two squares.” It was his inclusion of the word “roughly” that saw him burned at the stake for the crimes of “heresy” and “guesstimation.”

    Truly a tragic ending for such an obscure figure that nobody gives a shit about. (RIP, DJ AM.)

    Wonderful post, as always, bschooled. Kick Maria in the teeth for me.

    • You’re right CLT, I completely forgot about cena. I mean, if he found way to “treatment this problems” ( there’s no telling what he/she/it is capable of. He/she/it is like the Rick Schnabel/S.C. Beringer of problem-solving! (which reminds me, would you mind finding out ten things we didn’t already know cena? No reason…)

      Ha! Alan in his ‘old bean’ days. Those were good times, weren’t they? In fact, they were almost as good as Don “Puppy” Mills (love that) ‘cool beans!’ days…though not quite as wholesome.

      Anyway, I did see Good Will Hunting, but I can’t remember much about Ben Affleck (I was more of a “Damon girl”). So let’s just say for arguments sake that I didn’t.

      “I didn’t see that movie, CLT! Stop asking me if I did!”

      Well, that was fun now, wasn’t it?

      Heresay and guesstimation…two crimes I have also been accused of (along with “talking out of my ass” and “totally making shit up”). Thank God it’s not the 1632’s anymore…

      I’ll give Maria a special “Teeth Across the Alley” for you, CLT. It’s the least I could do.

  5. Wow, I’m surprised and fearful to find that you have a Maria problem as well. She’s……she’s everywhere. She must be omnipresent.

    I’ve already tried most of your (and some of Alan’s) solutions, but they only seem to make her angrier. I beat her with my fists (by punching her in the throat) and she came back with a knife. I beat her with a knife, and she came back with a fully loaded AK-47 assault rifle set to automatic, so I hid in a closet. Anytime I go anywhere, she is lying in wait for me. Every time I leave the house, she breaks in and arranges my dirty laundry into color appropriate piles. And she always eats my damn oatmeal with a banana.

    I personally think that she is the ‘Wormwood’ demon that C.S. Lewis tried to warn us about. Or maybe she’s even that gross chick that climbs out of the well in ‘The Ring.’

    Now to find that she’s been harassing you as well really shakes me up. Is her obsession with you? Or with me? Oh my God, maybe it’s with both of us? I don’t think that we’re going to be able to solve the Maria problem on our own. We need to call in an expert, like maybe the pope, or Richard Dawkins. Or at the very least maybe Ted fucking Turner.

    • Scott,

      I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I think you might have Maria confused with Gypsy Rose? Here’s how you can tell for sure:

      Modest dress- Maria
      Midfriff bearing tank-top and denim cut-off shorts made from “mom jeans”-GR

      Full set of teeth- Maria
      Quarter Set of Teeth- GR

      Uses the footmobile- Maria
      Drives a peugeot-GR

      Drinks tea with jam and bread- Maria
      Drinks whiskey with brown-GR

      Annoys people with her constant “singing”- Maria
      Annoys people with her constant “stabbing”- GR

      I hope this clears things up Scott. However if it doesn’t, we will definitely need to call in Ted fucking Turner…or maybe even S.C. Beringer? (your call)

      • I may be psychotic “Who are you calling a psycho?” but I’m telling you that it’s your Maria. I never saw the movie that you all keep going on about, but I know that I recognize this evil tramp. She has a full set of teeth, other than the one I just knocked out when I tried to punch her in the throat [like you suggested!!] I missed the first time and accidentally jawed her. –She was pissed. And I got scared.

        She does wear modest dress; to hide all the God damn weapons.
        She does walk; but I’ve also seen her shimmy up walls.
        She drinks tea with jammed bread; that she steals from my house.
        She’s always singing. But they’re always scary ass songs like….
        One-Two, Maria’s coming for you
        three-four, better lock your door
        five six, better get your licks
        seven eight, your time’s up mate
        nine-ten, …..Then the bitch just started firing on me with that big mother fucking gun she had.

        I know she’s not the Gypsy Lady because the GL caught a ricochet. Right in the face, poor thing. But she’ll live, and she has a huge script for morphine so she’s pretty happy about the whole thing. What’s Maria doing to you, if not terrorizing you??

        I say we call both Ted fucking Turner and S.C. Beringer. I say we call Ghostbusters as well. I’m telling you B, I don’t feel good about any of this.

        • Just out of curiosity, Scott, have you been eating those oxycontin/vicodin brownies again?

          (If so, could you send me the recipe? We’re having a Thanksgiving pot-luck at work this Friday and I’m in charge of dessert)

          To be honest (it’s what I do, remember?), maybe I’m being a little too hard on her. I mean, besides provoking me with her 6-octave vocal range, she hasn’t really been “terrorizing” me, per se.

          Wish I could say the same for those Edelweiss growing at the top of the Swiss Alps, though.

          M- “Eldelweiss, Edelweiss, every morning you greet me…”

          Edelweiss- What are you talking about, bitch? You’re the one who keeps coming up here and frolicking your ass all over us…

          Hopefully Alan’s “Swiss Trifecta” plan will work…if not, they’ll have no choice but to depend on Ted fucking Turner, S.C. Beringer and the Ghostbusters…

  6. I just wish someone would throw away the bowl that was responsible for her haircut!

    • I agree Talon.

      Unfortunately, I think it might be the same salad bowl my Dad used when I asked him to cut my hair in grade 7…

      Did I mention he was a car mechanic?

  7. Why the snarky comments about Maria? I have spanked the monkey repeatedly thinking of her as she glides around the top of the hill singing in her “come do me” voice. Sure, I have also been known to spank to Ed Asner so maybe my personal bar isn’t set too high. Still, if Dick Van Dyke banged her (and I’m sure he did) then we should all hold her in high esteem. Say you’re sorry.

    • Tannerleah (you know I only use your full name when I’m upset), if I had to type an apology to everyone I’ve ever insulted that you’ve also “spanked the monkey” to, I’d have carpal tunnel syndrome. And I’m talking the real carpal tunnel syndrome, not the one I tell my Boss I have as an excuse to take sick leave from work.

      Why don’t you just spank the monkey to her vicariously through Dick Van Dyke and his “come do me” voice instead? You know, kill two birds with one stone…

    • Maria and Sarah Palin? Who is the man behind the martini glass..
      Who spanks the monkey to Julie Andrews?? Next thing I know you’ll be ranting on about sugar by the spoonfuls and wanking off at the sight of umbrellas… Tsk, tsk…

  8. First you pick her up. Throw her to the ground where all the parts come flying off the central bone. You then pick them all up and return them to the appropriate spot.

    Oh wait…that is how you solve a Rubix Cube.

  9. I bet a friend that she couldn’t laugh or even smile within five minutes of reading your sight. It was for 5 bucks.

    So thanks for the $5! I would split it if we weren’t in different countries.

  10. I must be missing something (or slow) or maybe both, but WTF is this post all about????

    • Hey YnB!

      Good to see you, I was over lurking earlier today…

      Don’t worry, you are definitely not slow, I was just thinking out loud on this one…:)

      ps. I keep trying to leave a Happy Blogoversary comment on your site, but for some reason it won’t let me…

      Happy Blogoversary, YnB!!! (I’ll try again later)

  11. My much-needed guffaw for the morning. Thanks!

  12. Surgical precision! I’ve had it in for that crazed nun since the hill top spinning-beginning sent me lurching across the living room floor; my parents scrambling for towels as Sunday’s spaghetti dinner reappeared for an encore. Damn Nazis were so incompetent at the end; I was hoping they would take advantage while the entire family was bowing on the stage. If only they had that Arien wannabe pictured in my recent blog, B. You can bet he would’ve made short work of that warbling wench. Nice work . . . and a gang frenzy mentality to boot! Here’s one in the gut from my Doc Martin! Now back to being my quiet, respectful little self (in reality, the skinheads can spot my liberal ass a mile away).

    • Your attention to detail truly amazes me, Invasive1.

      Reading your comment makes me feel as though I’m there, inside your head, just screaming and banging my fists against the walls of your cranium in a futile attempt to get out.

      Pretty powerful stuff, I must say.

      (oh, and athough I do love the phrase, I hope that “one in the gut from your Doc Martin” wasn’t aimed at yours truly…)

  13. No ma’m! If aimed correctly, the obligatory kick would hopefully draw the highest note yet from our singing, swinging Andrews!

  14. Tell her to go make some clothes out of curtains, then run!

  15. This is an existential question. If you acknowledge her existence, you give substance to form. Once you do that, you will her being into existence. You think, therefore she is. I think you should put sunglasses on under the Bugblatter Beast of Traal theory – if you can see it, it can’t see you and therefore does not exist. For reference:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: