Q-What do you get when you cross a penis with a sandwich artist?

A- How should I know? I’m a woman! LOL

*awkward silence*































  1. Try to imagine Hannibal Lecter’s voice: “I see you’re teasing the Facebook kids again, Bschooled. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this man you seek? We begin by coveting what we see every day. Don’t you feel eyes moving over your sandwich, Bschooled? And don’t your eyes seek out the things you want? Like a toasted meatball with lettuce and perhaps some nice . . . sliced . . . toma-toes?”

    I have no idea where that was going, but it was fun.

    Try to imagine my voice (deep, rich, sexy): Focusing . . . focusing . . . ahhh. Reading your answers is often like watching an F-15 fighter blast past a group of faltering. smoking, gun-riddled WW I biplanes. To find that people actually discuss the merits of gender-related sandwich making is to discover the downfall of civilization. We are not going out with a bang, but with a tuna on rye left too long in the hot summer sun. It’s a blast when you enter the chats and open fire. Please continue to scour the wasteland of FB and let us witness the carnage. This is great entertainment!!!

    Try to imagine my voice (deep, rich, intoxicated) singing the Canadian Anthem . . .

    • “Reading your answers is often like watching an F-15 fighter blast past a group of faltering. smoking, gun-riddled WW I biplanes.”

      I want you to do my eulogy, Dan. Not right now, of course, but later.

      I can just imagine my mother sitting in the front pew (not really cognizant of what’s going on but seeing as she’s 120 years old can you blame her?), as your deep, rich and intoxicated voice (only recreational drugs, though) echoes throughout the Scientology Center.

      Not that I’m a Scientologist or anything, I just think having my service there would make for a great story.

      Make sure you mention something about my sculpting gift, though. (Only because I’d hate to think that my insane talent ended up being swept under the Scientology Center’s astroturf.)

    • Dan’s comment is hi-larious, especially because I do a DEAD ON impression of Dr. Hanibal Lecter, so I can hear these words in my head. I hope no one tosses jizz on our beloved BSchooled as the makes her way through the corridors of FB. Dr. Lecter won’t be OK with that.

  2. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Loved this post, bschooled (especially the part about penile tracking devices)!!!!!!!!!!! My mashuga neighbor Mr. Little can even hear me howling! No wonder he thinks I am the “female version” of him. We are both alone in our units howling (him at the voices in his head, me at your blog). Subway is the only ‘fast food’ restaurant I patronize. We have one right down the street from my condo and I have become a regular and yes, I know how to order. I once got publically chewed out by an irate customer at LAX airport because I didn’t “know how to order.” He may have called me a “dumbass’ or something along those lines. All the selections were AHEAD of me so how was I supposed to order without LOOKING at said selections which of course entailed walking up and down the line to VIEW what was available. The dude told me I was supposed to place my order at the back of the line, but of course I hadn’t SEEN what it was that I would be ordering. I have never figured out the protocol for ordering in line when I haven’t even seen the food and now try to avoid these kinds of establishments and embarrassing provocations.

    There are several “how to order at Subway” videos on youtube, but this one is my favorite (it’s a little long, but it’s worth it):

    Can’t wait to view YOUR youtube videos, bschooled!!

    • Hahaha!

      Girl- “What’s good here?”
      Subway Guy- “Uh, sandwiches?”

      One time we were at Subway and I asked the guy behind the counter for “extra EXTRA sauce” (I was slightly intoxicated, mind you, but still. It sounded like a valid request at the time). For some reason the ornery old man behind me was annoyed about this (because apparently the extra sauce I wanted was holding him up). So when it was his turn, he yelled “I WANT EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA SAUCE!” just to be a dick.

      He looked at me as if to say “Don’t I sound like a total idiot?”, and when he turned back, his sub was soaking wet.

      You probably had to be there, but we still talk about it to this day.

      I honestly don’t know how I ever worked in customer service.

      ps. I can’t wait to show this video to my sister. She was a Subway sandwich artist ten years ago, and she still has nightmares about it.

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Forgot to mention that the LAX incident was not a Subway, but rather a buffet establishment with servers. Without seeing what was in front of me, I wasn’t sure if I wanted what I could see immediately in front of me.

    • Knowing me, I probably would have canned him (or at least made a voo doo sculpture of him later on).

      Even if I’m ordering a 7-11 hot dog, I still make it a point to inspect the merchandise up close before committing.

  4. Thank you for the post Bschooled.

    And thank goodness too that young Sam was able to state his argument simply and in a way my brain can comprehend. For far too long now the debate on gender roles and sandwich making has been an ivory tower affair and far too complicated for ordinary folks like me to understand. Hopefully, based on the strength of this particular group, we’ll soon see plain language discussions on heady issues like “leaving the toilet seat up,” “men asking for directions” and the relative merits of mother-in-laws.

    If and when we do, I hope you’ll be there to capture those pearls of wisdom.

    All the best

    Your friend.


    • Thank-you, Don.

      If only there were more young people like Sam in this world, I could spend less time on brain comprehension and more time doing what I was put on this earth to do.

      I can’t say that having the professional-level training wouldn’t be nice, though. You know, just for things like pairing condiments with the appropriate deli meat. Because when it comes down to it, those little details are what’s holding me back from being a fully contributing member of society.

      Regardless, one day I will capture those pearls of wisdom. And when I do, I’ll wear them proudly around my neck, my way of showing the female population that even if you you do suffer from a vagina-triggered lack of brain comprehension, by working hard and continuing to persevere, you too, could “Do it their way.”


      Always wonderful to hear from you, Don.

      Your friend,

  5. Oh how I love your adventures in FB land! You should start to create FB groups yourself, and then lure these shmucks into your web of danger and sarcasm! Muwhahaha

    • Good idea, Doctor!

      Unfortunately, the only groups I can think of creating would have names like “Shouldn’t You Be Doing Your Homework?” or “Are You Really That Socially-Inept That You LOL Every Time Somebody Makes A Comment?”

      Really, I doubt that I’d get enough “Likes” to make the group worthwhile.

  6. Waaaaaait…why is it funny? Could you explain it again? Slower this time.

    I love the Facebook posts!

  7. At least men who have worked at Subway now know what 10 inches really is!!!!!! Put that penis back in your pants!

  8. “Your dumb.”

    Denny abso-fucking-lutely loves when he sees that particular comment sans the contraction.

  9. I had to shuffle past your post quickly because my son is home and in the room. Actually, before I clicked ontp your page I was hoping there would be something a bit benign that I could read and snicker to myself about, but in blazing letters shone “penis,” so I quickly scrolled down and did my best “speed-reading” and, well, I caught the word, “srsly” and had a great chuckle.

    That’s all I got, hon.

    I’ll come back and visit when you-know-who isn’t around :-D.

    • Hey TSIB!

      Glad you stopped by, and don’t worry, you didn’t miss much. It’s pretty much the same as all my other Facebook-related posts, only this time it comes with your choice of toppings.


  10. Seriously, now. Seriously.

    OK, I just wanted to get that part out of the way.

    THIS HAS TO BE MADE INTO A BOOK. It’s way too funny. “New King James Unplugged” . . . oh my.

    • I think you may be on to something, Vodka!

      Only I’m thinking it will be more of a memoir-type book. Makes sense, seeing as I’ve spent what I was told would be the most exciting years of my life commenting on WTF? Facebook pages.

  11. And I thought we blogers were at the bottom of Darwin’s list.

  12. I’m confused; I thought it was funny because the guy that worked at Subway had to make him a sandwich, even though we all know that at Subway they serve ROLLS not sandwiches.

    But I guess I don’t have much of a sense of a humor, or a large and powerful brain.

    Fortunately I am flexible enough to know that you, however, are very, very funny.

    • Don’t worry, Ruby. I don’t get it either. I always thought they sold hoagies.

      Your sense of humor is brilliant, and your brain is as large and powerful as they come. But I guess that’s not really a compliment, though.

      Seeing as you’re a woman, that pretty much makes you a freak of nature…;)

  13. As I recall, Mr. so-called “Christian” Mendiola, the scriptures just say “thou shalt hold the mayo when so instructed” (Kevin 3:17), not “and once that’s done, slap those slices together and finish that sandwich”. What bible have you been reading, Schlubwayboy?

  14. Someone has a facebook name of “I was shocked when I found out that woman spelled backward is sandwich” Damn he must hate his mother.

  15. These posts just slay me! Mostly because I love and deeply respect your insanely adept and sarcastic mind but also because I’m one of those rare non-religious types who very much looks forward to the end of the world with anticipation and excitement. I mean, it’s not like I want people to die or suffer or anything, I just like the idea of being able to browse behind the counter at my local pharmacy, learning to fly a helicopter, and getting to blow up shopping malls. Also I won’t have to watch 2 ½ Men anymore; that’ll be good.

    Based on your (or is it you’re or you’ll?) documented encounters with the next generation of misogynists, I know that it can’t be long now. I’ll be especially dominant in the post apocalypse as well because I like to make my own sammiches. Ooohhh, AND I know how to drive a shifter car now too.

    • Scott,

      You telling me you won’t be watching “2 And a Half Men” anymore is like the Rapture Ready guy telling me that I don’t need to worry about packing toiletries. I honestly can’t tell you how much I hate packing toiletries, mostly because they always end up spilling all over my clothes.

      As for your question, I’m pretty sure it’s you’rl.

      Would you mind packing me a few sammiches as well? I’d do it myself, but I have to go out and buy a slutty new post apocalypse outfit.

      I have a feeling there’s going to be a lot of chicks at this thing so if I don’t kick it up a notch, I’m going to be stuck making out with a post-apocalypse loser.

      • Sorry about the grammar B. I need to invest in some rubber siding if I’m going to be throwing stones, huh? I mean talk about your non-parallel structure! I should really buy some more mirror polish because….

        No problem, I’d love to help out. And it’s not just so I can hang out with a hot, hilarious girl in a slutty outfit.

  16. Mens sammich makeing skulls is ingraned jus lik feetballs, whitch is anuther ingraned skull. Sammich makeing take speciul brane cells thas ony mens got, butt wemens dont. Thas y us werks at sammich plases.
    a gy what nose

    • Yay! Jammer’s back! Or should I say Jammer’s avatar is back.

      Um, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, Jammer, but was the reason you were away because you went on a computer cleaner-inhaling binge?

      I only ask because for some reason you sound a lot like my 12 year-old cousin, who recently dropped out of school because “it sukyd”.

      • So that’s what caused it! Damn, and here I thought my progression was racked by regression and all it was was a damn can of air. Maybe I should switch to air cleaner?

  17. I sent this joke to Joan Rivers and she said the answer was “a woman wearing polythene gloves with a penis up her butt”. So being a woman is no excuse for ignorance on this important issue.

    • Hahah-Hey, wait a minute…

      Joan Rivers said the same thing to me when I asked for the punchline to her “What do you get when you cross a Mysophobic with Paris Hilton?” joke.

      So, based on that revelation (and the fact that she’s pretty much “plastic-surgeried” herself into a whole other gender), her testimony probably wouldn’t hold up in a court of law.

  18. “I would like a six-inch salami, sir, with extra oil.”

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