The Chronicles of Marnie Yaw* (Aspiring True Crime Reenctor)

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*FYI- “Marnie Yaw” is what my parents were going to name me, had I been born an Asian.

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Growing up, my mother used to say I asked too many questions.

“Is asking questions a crime?” I’d ask.

Truth be told, I already knew the answer. But I wanted to test her, to see if she did.

Turns out she didn’t.

“Yes, as a matter of fact it is a crime,” she’d say, ignorant to her ignominious ignorance.

What she failed to understand was that not only is asking questions not a crime, it is, in fact, the exact opposite of a crime. It’s a tool that law enforcers use when they’re trying to solve crimes. I  should know, I happen to be an aspiring True Crime Reenactress.

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I started acting at the age of thirteen, after being discovered by a talent scout from Saskatchewan, who, after seeing me perform I’m a Little Tea Pot (Unplugged version),  called me the “Next Big Thing in Animate Tea-Brewing Vessels”.

From there, I went on to do community theatre and guest appearances on various “straight to Home Video” television shows.

Sadly, I was ahead of my time, and needing a steady income to support my Commodore 64 game-cartridge habit, I eventually quit acting to pursue my dream of becoming the first “Female Paper Boy in the History of The North East Quadrant of Calgary, Alberta, Home To The 1988 Winter Olympics and Also Vince Vaughn’s Future Wife.”

It wasn’t until years later (after  giving up dream #17 of becoming a Unionized Government Employee), that I finally decided to grab the bull by the horns and give acting one more shot. Only this time, that bull would represent justice.

And the horns?

Degenerate perps with criminal minds*.

*Source – Gowan

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Anyway, the other night while surfing the net for casting agents specializing in “non-violent yet still extremely dramatic reenactors,”  I stumbled across the website of a fellow up and coming CSI-inclined thespian.

Reading his CV, it wasn’t so much his experience that impressed me (really, he only has two re-enacting credits to his name), but rather the unique way he’s chosen to market himself.

The following is one of his (two) acting credits:

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*His name and contact info has been altered to protect his identity (and my ass).


Brilliant, no?

That’s when I had a revelation- Instead of wasting my time looking for agents, why not let the agents waste their time looking for me? Since last time I checked stealing other people’s ideas (and copyrighted images) wasn’t a crime, I took his template and applied it to my own skill set.

Here is the end result:

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Bschooled-  Acting Credits To-Date

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*****

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So anyway, now that my skillz are finally out there, I think you’ll agree it’s only a matter of time before I’m the “Next Big Thing in Animate Whodunit (and still tea-brewing) Vessels.”

 

*If you know any casting agents looking for CSI-trained thespians and/or helpless victims who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, I’d appreciate it if you would forward them this link.

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Comments

  1. “Rather Not Say.” Teaching English guys to dance. Shit, that is funny.

    I feel like this post is going to get you a lot of exposure, so what I did was hack into your system (that’s what he said) and make sure I got the first comment spot. Everything should be fine now.

    “Scabies is a lifestyle choice.” Don’t think for a second I missed that.

    We’re hotter than Vince Vaughn’s wife, right?? Let me know.

    • You’re right, he totally did say that! (Did somebody put a hidden camera in the backseat of my Sunfire again?)

      Don’t worry Vodka, I would never think that you’d miss anything. In fact, you probably already know this but if you read the tagline backwards and add “in bed” to the end, you’ll see that it’s actually a private message (for your eyes only).

      Yes, we’re much hotter. And trust me, her hair isn’t half as shiny as yours.

  2. You are crazy and amazing.

    • Thanks, Nathan!

      It’s funny because so many of my ex-boyfriends have said the same thing. (Only the “amazing” part was usually just implied.)

      • I know what you mean here. I get a lot of “Don’t ever call me again” followed by a very low, almost impossible to hear “because you’re the hottest chick I’ve ever dated, and I love your hot attitude and hot face.”

        B – did you used to get that too?

  3. You should have another card done for “woman executed by firing squad”. You’d be wearing a blindfold so you wouldn’t need to put that bar over your eyes.

    • What bar? Are you talking about the Star Trek-inspired sunglasses that I bought only because my idol Paris (Ebola Virus) Hilton has the same pair?

      If so, I’ll have you know that those cost an arm and a leg. (And let’s not forget my “STD-Free Since ’93” award.)

  4. Your diversity is brilliant, b, and your acting credits speak for themselves. I just know an agent (who is busily wasting his time searching the internet for fabulously talented re-enactors) will definitely snap you up!

    Hope you’re having a beautiful Thanksgiving!

    • Thanks, T! And yes, of course you’re right. I hope they snap me up soon, though.

      I promised myself that for my first audition I would do “Dead Woman Lying on Carpet,” but I recently moved to a place with hardwood flooring and now I’m worried that because I can’t practice, I might get rusty.

      I hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving as well, T.:)

      • I don’t know, b, but I heard if you can master “Dead Woman Lying on Carpet” while actually doing it on a hardwood floor you will have actually gone beyond the skill levels of some of the greatest actors of our time. I was told this by a very well-known extra…well, only well-known by extra people, but still!

  5. Is it real, or is it tongue in cheek?

    • It’s real….ly tongue in cheek.

      Ha!

      Er, sorry, G. That joke sounded way better when I was saying it out loud to…well, no one in particular really, but since when is that a crime?

      To answer your question, 80% of it is real. The rest I like to call “profoundly creative non-fiction”.

  6. Okay, I’ll get started on printing these up. I’ll swing them by the major networks first, then go to cable. Don’t be fooled by Conan (aka CoCo), cable is still second best. Anyhow, I’m thinking super glossy prints packaged with some glitter and chocolates – perhaps swiss chocolates for the more reputable execs. Okay, okay, slow down Dr. C. Slow down… It’s just that I have immense faith in you B. You’re going to be someone on TV.

    • Thank-you, Doctor. And please, don’t feel the need to slow down on my behalf. The more leg work you do, the more I can focus on breathing life into my “Dead Woman Lying By The Pool” character.

      Oh, and by the way, you needn’t worry about CoCo pulling the cable-knit wool over my eyes. At least not anymore.

      Like I always say, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me thirty-seven and a half times, well, maybe you should think about getting a life.”

      (?)

  7. Is being Vince Vaughn’s future wife still a goal of yours? Maybe focusing on that would help to advance your acting career.

    • It was never actually a goal of mine, per se. I’ve always been more of younger Chevy Chase/less hairy Zach Galifianakis type.

      Then again, it’s not like I’d kick him out of bed for eating crackers. (Only because I have a maid.)

  8. Okay, I forwarded it to Michael Jackson, who happens to be a dead personal friend of mine, and he says when he comes back for another platinum record, you got one of his pole dancing jobs. He thinks the lip-synch thingy was way cool.

  9. I always wonder if in the police reinactment videos, if someone ever dropped the dime on the actor playing the part.

  10. Buckshot:
    “Bschooled this is Uncle Buckshot I hear it is your birthday today.”
    “Yes Uncle Buckshot I’m three.”
    “Will Happy Birthday Bschooled is there anything you’d like to ask Uncle Buckshot or his Muffinettes?”
    “Yes, I’d like to ask snow worm if Uncle Buckshot sticks his arm up your butt to help you talk?”
    “Ah….we gotta go now Bschooled. Time for a commercial break!”

    Choir:
    “Bschooled how many times do I have to tell you it is Silent Night Holey Night not Scary Flight Whore Night.”

    The Wizard:
    “Bschooled for the next seen please don’t try and eat toedoe, we need him.”

    Safety patrol:
    “No Bschooler you cannot have a gun and night stick. You’ve gone through six cans of mace this week at the cross walk.”

    McD:
    Thank you B.Schooled
    At .00862 lbs gained per hamburger. The kids around the world have only gained 853,380,000 lbs. Great job.

    Lip Synch:
    I remember that night bschooled. The was the night the boys football team took all the girls pants. But like true troopers you girls went on to win the contest and as a extra bonus get a two week suspension.

    Crime Stoppers:
    Yes, yes that was right after the Lip Synch contest. Did the three football players ever heal up enough to play again?

    Walgreens:
    I bit you’re glad that camera adds fifty lbs? I would have never thought to give that hat to your English teacher. By the way, when will she get out?

    Rather not:
    I never could understand how anyone could make money-teaching dance, with the cost of wigs and glue.

    • Hahaha! Brilliant synopsis, Desk49. I love all of them. Have you ever thought about getting into script writing?

      One thing, though: Unfortunately, there weren’t any muffinettes on Buckshot (trust me, had there been, knowing me back in those days I probably would have eaten them).

      Instead, his sidekick was Benny the Bear. He was soooo dreamy.

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      I know, right??

      ps. As for the football players, the answer is no. But to this day they say it was worth it…:)

  11. Seeing as how ‘Unsolved Mysteries’ hires Spanish guys to play Chinese people because nobody can tell the difference (you can’t tell me Kevin Woo is Irish), you could probably expand your scope a little and apply for the role of a pool of toxic red sludge in a Hungarian travelogue. It’s hot, it’s current, and international talent agents have time they haven’t even wasted yet. Slap on some of that red makeup and sit by the phone, Bea, it’s just a matter of time.

    • Not to brag or anything, Cooper, but that really wouldn’t be that much of a stretch for me. Only because growing up, my mom would always make cabbage rolls (with extra tomato sauce).

      And while I wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole, I did watch them from afar, and later on in my room (after being sent there for making gagging noises), impersonate them.

  12. I love this; “What she failed to understand was that not only is asking questions not a crime, it is, in fact, the exact opposite of a crime. It’s a tool that law enforcers use when they’re trying to solve crimes” almost as much as seeing you in the High School Lip Synch contest with yr mouth firmly closed shut, I only wish the Australian police would use the same crime solving methods instead of consulting fortune cookies and firing Tasar guns….

    • Thank-you, Ruby.

      Truth be told, I wish your police would adapt to my methods as well (only because it then would be easier for me to get a working visa.)

      You guys have fortune cookies there? Why would anyone eat those when they can have tim tams?

  13. Of all the roles listed, I really loved your portrayal of an almost-black woman in ultra-patriotic 6th Grade Safety Patrol. While there were some who felt that a woman of an indeterminate age and race made for a rather unbelievable sixth grader, I thought that the juxtaposition of the yellow clothing against the Patton-esque enormous flag background made the role believable and nothing at all like those “kids” from Beverly Hills, 90210 who, if nothing else, were definitely not “almost-black,” or anywhere withing 15 years of the ages they portrayed.

    My only quibble was the selection of the Gin Blossoms as the band at the 6th grade prom. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for underage drinking, but they are scarcely Peach Pit material. I’d like to see anyone follow Color Me Badd’s ear-blinding performance.

    • hmmm. “withing” would seem to require some sort of editing, or at least some sort of definition…

    • CLT!!

      I knew you’d be partial to that one. I feel as though it encompasses everything that we, as children, learned from watching those “After School Specials” back in the day (only regarding a much more controversial and socially-relevant issue).

      Ahhh, the Peach Pitt. Just thinking about it makes me long for the good old days.

      You know, the days when a smoke was a smoke, and groovin’ was groovin’, and 35 year-old men could still be in high school and score with the popular girls without fear of being sided-by Chris Hansen and the rest of the “To Catch A Predator” crew.

      Life was so much easier back then.

      ps. How the hell did I miss the Color Me Badd episode?

  14. Denny says that you have an agent now, love.

    And you get to keep 20%.

    • No way! You keep 90% or no deal.

      (Sorry, Denny. You know you have my heart but this is business.)

      ps. We’re talking about a total of 180%, right? These percentage totals are what screwed me up last time.

  15. Oh dear god, I had to stuff my lung back in ….

    You didn’t happen to star in “If Carol only wore safety goggles” beschooled??????

    • Hahaha!

      No, sadly I was passed up for the role. (They said it was because my name wasn’t Carol, but I think it had more to do with the fact that I was wearing safety goggles at the time.)

  16. Jesus Christ you are fucking funny. I’m really sorry about all the profane profanity but this is the kind of brilliance that will one day put you on a show with Robert Stack.

    Not only were your acting credits to date hilarious but they were also extremely dramatic, as you skillfully showed in your coming-of-age masterpiece The Wizard of Oz Jubilee.

    You have no idea how much time I’d waste looking for you!

    BTW- did you ever meet Vince Vaughn? If you did that would make you even better.

    • Thank-you, Scott.

      Sadly, seeing as Robert Stack is no longer alive, my dreams of working with him were crushed when “Highway to Heaven” was cancelled.

      I have no idea how you knew about my Oz masterpiece, but you’re right. I did end up coming-of-age that night, in the backseat of Billy’s parents Buick.

      Ahhh, memories. You can’t live with ’em, can’t find a doctor these days who still performs lobotomies.

      (…?)

  17. I wish you the best of luck as an reenactress. I should caution you that some casting agencies are run by the Cinemafia. Don’t sell your souls to those people!

    • Thanks for the heads-up, Ahmnodt. I promise you, I won’t be selling my soul to anyone.

      (I learned my lesson the hard way, after selling my virginity for a six-pack of O’Douls and a bus ticket.)

  18. Sweet mother of mercy, I had forgotten about Buckshot! It looks so ghetto – when I was five, I thought it was the height of glossy television production.

    I’m so jealous you got a shout out. Hmph.

    p.s. Benny the Bear, I LOVE YOU!!!

    • (How the heck did I miss you?)

      Ok, so technically he wasn’t giving the shout-out to me, he was giving it to my sister. But I went with her to the taping of the show, and when he introduced her (really, he had no choice since my mom had dressed her up like Joan Crawford in “Mommie Dearest” and you couldn’t see the other kids thanks to her enormous hat), the camera man/director/sound technician panned the camera toward the audience and filmed me taking a picture of her.

      Needless to say, it was pretty powerful moment. Really, I’d be surprised if Buckshot doesn’t remember it.

  19. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I never understood the comedic art of silent films until now. I’m nominating you the ‘Lillian Gish’ of the blog world. When I open your blog, there is an expectation of funny and you deliver in spades. The photos of you superimposed on other photos are my favorites (to include the ones of you wielding implements, AND your innovative sculptures). I don’t even have to read the captions and content (which, of course, I do, and enjoy immensely) to start laughing like crazy. So, if you were to blog without any commentary, I would still be laughing like crazy and twice as hard with the commentary. That, my friend, is artistic genius and I am now a new fan of silent films.

    • This is one of the best compliments I’ve ever received, E!

      Honestly I never understood “the funny” in silent films either. When I was young, my dad made a contraption allowing us to “borrow” Pay TV stations from the neighbors. He’d always flip through the channels looking for Charlie Chaplin/Laurel and Hardy movies.

      Maybe it had something to do with me being a kid and therefore needing constant aural stimulation, but I remember thinking that I’d rather do chores than watch a bunch of mute guys make idiots of themselves.

    • Elizabeth, I totally agree with your Lillian Gish comparison. But for some reason there should be a train rumbling in the background and bschooled should be fawning with her hand on her forehead. Maybe you could improvise one of those poses for us, b? ;-)

      • elizabeth3hersh says:

        I was thinking the same thing, and I would KILL to play Charades with bschooled!! Actually, I would prefer to watch because I would be laughing too hard to win.

        • If by fawning you mean “lying in bed with the spins”, then yes. (It’s actually my signature pose.)

          ps. Trust me E, charades will happen one day.

          (Even if we have to do it via Skype…)

  20. Ah, B! Your most excellant blog brought about a most unexpected result! Gwenny thoroughly enjoyed “Sixteen Chickens and a Tamborine”. And even though your funny-as-hell reinacting acting credits were – well – funny as hell, that Buckshot song has me humming along to a stuffed animal and dancing chickens, while little Gwenny is crooning into her “iCarly” microphone. You bring the good times to us country folk out on dee chicken range. Two turn tables and a cool Bschooled, cool Bschooled, cool Bschooled . . .

    • Haha! I’m so glad Gwenny enjoyed it.

      Honestly, that was my favorite song ever. To this day I still remember how devastated I was when I found out it wasn’t “proper” for girls to marry sock puppets…

  21. My favorite post yet!

  22. PS, kudos to getting unjaundiced and unblonded, but seems like you could’ve kept the watch and sunglasses for your trouble.

  23. Please tell me B that you are not on the john in the McDonald’s screenshot. Tell me this soon, I really need to know, like alot. I’m not kidding with this.

    –actually me

    • Seriously FJ, if you only knew how hard I laughed when I read this…

      No, I wasn’t on the john when this shot was taken, though I can see why you’d think that. Personally, whenever I pose for bathroom pics I usually like to go with the “hang ten” symbol.

      (Only because it makes me seem less conceited.)

      –me-ish

  24. Bschooled,

    I loved the story behind this thing, with recreating the agent’s template with your info to make them look for you … lol. Nice twist. And super funny to see your face superimposed on the photos with the captions. I’m ever-impressed with your brilliance, b!!

    • Thank-you, TSIB!

      While technically the idea came from “Juan”, I do feel as though my “Did Somebody Say McDonald’s?” piece really took it to the next level.;)

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