Undercover (Jonas) Brother -part 1


In part one of this ?-part series, I go undercover as a Jonas Brother (named Bea Schooled) to investigate the reason behind why hundreds of thousands of strong-willed pubescents are currently at war over this musically-inclined trio.

(Wish me luck!)




































*Stay tuned for next time, when I crack down on a group of Non-English speaking impostors posing as Nick, Joe, and whoever the other Jonas Brother is.



  1. I think their gay
    I think everyone is gay
    who in the hell wants to be miscible
    Be happy be friendly
    Be what ever you want to be
    just don’t try and kiss me

  2. LMFAO! How do you find people to harass like that? I love when you mess w/ Facebook folk. There so gaye! Absouleutly gaye.

    if all these kids are from the USA we be f’ed

  3. I think you should send Maryam a private email about boners so she doesn’t embarrass herself when the biology teacher brings his wesel to school. Excellent work otherwise. You must have breathed a sigh of relief that someone got the Marvin Gaye joke. I would have tried one about the Jonas Brothers meeting the Flintstones and having a gay old time. Which would have probably bombed.

  4. frigginloon says:

    Sheez Bschooled , not one little mention of their virginity rings. Hmm, now there’s a group you should harass :)

    • I did find a group called Purity Rings, but even I can’t argue with this logic-

      “For Halloween many people put on masks, but don’t put on a mask in real life. … Wearing a mask in life keeps you from connecting with that person. Honesty is a fundamental part of purity. You are worth the wait and waiting will be worth it!”

      What can I say, I’m a strong believer that people shouldn’t wear masks in real life. (Especially during sex.)

  5. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Can you comment on David Cassidy’s facebook? I may or may not have had the hots for him circa Partridge Family days, or maybe that was Danny Bonaduce…)

  6. Are you saying that there are three Jones Brothers? Awhh fuck me. What the hell happened to the good old days when pre and just post-pubescent girls got their vags all up in a messy bunch over Marky Mark’s brother and Joey McIntyre. You know those kids that went on to do nothing else? I remember a golden era where I just had to write NKOTB on my penis and promise my girlfriends that I’d let them see New Kids on the Block. Those were the days.

    But these days the heartthrobs are all such pussies. I mean I’m pretty sure that the Jonas Brother (3? Fuck) take it up the ass from the Disney Corp and they aren’t even the cool kind of gay. Their just, like, prison bitch kind of gay, and that’s not cool at all. And look at Justin Beiber! Just look at him!

    Oh sorry, your post was hilarious.

    • …They’re…

    • True story…I had to do security detail for NKOTB and I worked with a guy who became a Back Street Boy.

    • I know, hey?? I was in loooove with Joey McIntyre. (Then again, right now I have a crush on the nerdy kid in the wheelchair on Glee, so my taste is questionable.)

      If my high school boyfriend would have written that on his penis, it would have said NKO-then cut off after half a T. (Not that I saw it or anything, that’s just based on the rumor I started after he dumped me for “Backseat Bridgette”.)

      Please don’t make me look at Justin Bieber. At least not in that way. I’m planning to adopt him, remember???

  7. I think that Ken guy is stalking you. He comments on everything you do.

    Also, is it just me or does that Pierre kid look like he’s about 5 years old?

    • I know! I was going to report him, but then I realized the irony of it all…

      I think Pierre is around six. What I find fascinating is that he can spell better than most of the other kids twice his age.

  8. I figured they would call you out for being an old person pulling out a Marvin Gaye reference.

  9. I have to find these groups. You have tapped into the very demographic who will vote for me. If I can’t find these groups, could you please throw my name out there? I still have to learn the lingo though. OGM!!!

    • Don’t worry, Ahmnodt. I will not only help you find these groups, I will teach you how to communicate with them without having to learn the fancy lingo/acronyms.

      dont wury hamnot ill nt only hlp u fnd ths grups ill teech u 2 tlk 2 them wthout lernin whtver u call it.

      (See how easy that was???)

  10. “Diane and Stan…..”

    That’s gold right there… I’m crying tears of comic relief.

    • Thanks Rod!

      Not to brag or anything, but I was really proud of that one myself. In fact, I was even thinking about sending it to the Jonas Brothers, but I’m not sure if they’re into rap?

      Then again, I could always send it to JC Mellencamp as a follow-up to his little ditty about Jack and Diane…

      (Er, sorry for the WTF?-edness, Rod. I probably shouldn’t respond to comments while high on cough meds.)

  11. Michael Wang finally says what everyone’s thinking: No asians are awesome.

    It’s a hard truth but while they may have mastered all math-related scholastic endeavors and the sport of kings, ping-pong, no combination of these items will ever add up to “awesome.”

    I’m sure his statement will prove unpopular with its un-PC mindset, but thank gods (and, of course, Fernando) that Mr. Wang had the courage to face down the pervading “groupthink” and tell the ugly truth.

    Plus, who wouldn’t want to be known as “Mr. Wang”? (Ladies, you can choose to not answer this question if it makes you uncomfortable.)

    • Oh, CLT, you always pick up on the subtle little nuances. I swear, you’re smarter than Michael Wang, even!

      No that’s a good thing! It means you’re awesomer!!

      ps. I’ve been called Mrs. Wang before…but that was back when I was in my “experimental” phase.

  12. Seriously, like totally seriously, that is so like sackreligiosity. I mean, I’d make woman like noises if someone threw my sack over their shoulder and slid down a chimney. And I don’t even look like Justin Gaye. Actually, I kinda look like an ancient boner, or wesel or feret or something.

  13. OMG, this is wear I cum 2 praxtise my grammer. Beacuz I get schooled. We all get schooled. Evin Jusin Bieber and those gaye jonas brothers get shooled. Very edcunational.

  14. This is hysterically funny and terrifying at the same time. Unfortunately, I still don’t think we have our answer.

    • I know! That’s the saddest part about it. The more I research, the worse it gets.

      It’s like I’m a reverse-investigator or something??

      (Crap. now I’m even starting to talk like them…)

  15. This time you’ve gone too far, B! My precious little Gwenny is a HUGE fan of the Jonas Brothers! She is particularly fond of that droopy-eyed Ringo, who plays the drums. Just the other day she was humming, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, which is a major hit here in the states. I don’t know what the hell you people are smoking up there in Can-ah-duuuh, but you better catch-up with us, daddy-o, and watch a few episodes of Ed Sullivan!!! A-hem!!! BTW . . . they’re British!!! LOL!!!

    • Wait a minute…I thought the drummer was one of the Hansen Brothers? Now I’m confused…

      What happened to the good old days when a smoke was a smoke and people were groovin and I was going to marry Joey McIntyre even if I had to sleep with monkey-faced Danny to do it.

      (Er, I realize that doesn’t make sense, but when you’re a pre-pubescent it’s not a priority.)

  16. Oh, boy or should I change that to Oh, pubescent boy?

    I don’t know how you do it, b! Keeping up with the Joneses…oops…Jonahs and all!

    • I honestly don’t know how I do it either, Talon.

      I swear, if I didn’t have a thing for guys who can’t spell and are half my age, I doubt I would have persevered.

  17. Even with a 6th grade Camden, NJ education, Denny still grieves for the state of the American educational system, bitches.

  18. lol, this is so much fun
    Cheers Bea

  19. Helen definitely smokes.

    Boner – weasel or ferret. It’s like you go undercover to teach, not just to mess with folks.

    • I know, I seriously can’t wait to bust her. It will be like “To Catch A Predator”, only instead of a predator it’s a smoker.

      Which is kind of the same thing, if you think about it. (When you’re stoned.)

  20. I know I’m a little late to the party, but if its got ferrets and weasel boners, I’m sure its a party that’s going to last! I’m just so happy I’m finally here, I feel so gaye I could burst (in a good way)

  21. Shit, this probably isn’t a good place to admit that I’m still mad at my husband for not going with me to the Justin Beiber book signing on Sunday.

    Please don’t forsake me.


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