Undercover (Jonas) Brother part II – ‘The Crackdown’

*If you missed part I, click here

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In part II of this fascinating investigative series, I go undercover once again in an attempt to expose these non-English speaking Jonas Brothers for the purity-ringless frauds they are.

(Wish me luck!)

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*Stay tuned for Undercover (Jonas) Brother part III, where I enlist the help of  Ben Matlock to bring these Spanglish-speaking perps to justice

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Comments

  1. these posts scare the jonas out of me

  2. You would think after seeing what we were like as teens we would have not given birth to another bunch of them.

    My Great Granny said us teens were one screwed up lot. I think it is all the inbreeding we’ve been doing over the years. I say throw some monkeys back in the mix it can’t hurt. All the kids on tweeter or facebook act like their mothers and fathers were brothers and sisters.

  3. I’m with Hugo. This is heavy stuff. Very heavy.

    • Very…………………………………………………………….
      …………………………………………………………………….
      ………………………………………………………………………..
      ………………………………………………………………………….
      …………………………………………………………………………
      ………………………………………………………………………….
      …………………………………………………………………………
      ………………………………………………………………………….
      ……………………………………………………..heavy.

      • And I thought you would have said
        very ############################################################################################################################################################ heavy

        • I actually wanted to say very @#%@$$#^#%^%^@%&%&@%%^%#
          T*^*%^*%&*$%^%^@#$$#$$%#$R2D2$^@#$%^$#^@#%$
          @#$%@$^%&%&@ heavy. (But I didn’t want people to think I have a potty
          mouth.)

  4. lol! I knew it! I knew it! There really are grammar police!

    b, you have restored my faith in humanity (a I think my headaches will be less after I stop reading really f’d up English).

  5. This is a terrific series.

    • Thanks, LITD. You might change your mind when I go undercover to investigate the General Hospital Facebook page.

      Or, should I say, “the place where 333,000 lonely, illiterate single females hang out.”

  6. Alas, poor Luis, I saw his sister’s petticoat. He was the only one smart enough to focus on real issues. I wish one of the girls had offered to be his date. Maybe you could have played match-maker?

    • I thought about it, GB. But sadly, the girls were only interested in “getting with” one of the following:

      -The Jonas Brothers
      -The jones brathas
      -The joans bruthrs
      -hermano jonasito
      -OMGILUVUNICKJOANSSSSS!
      -UROCKMYWURLDKEVINJOANSPLSMRRYME!
      -Daddy Jonas

      (They aren’t picky, just whichever one still has his purity ring intact.)

  7. “I don’t really like any of them. P.S. I love you Nick Jonas!!!!!!!”

    Dying.

    I also think you turned Luis into a tranny right before our eyes. Nicely done.

  8. I am saddened that none of the Jonas’s fans pointed out that Ms. Schooled typed a word like “marryed.” There might be some hope for our children if the Jonas Brothers quit singing and became teachers.

  9. Sick (sic) transit gloria mundi.

  10. “We don’t need any advice from you” is one of the greatest lines ever to a FB rant of yours.

  11. Well, B, I am forced to go undercover, having (apparently, after two weeks of background checking etc.) finally secured a job that really looks down on social networking. My e-mail will reveal my true identity, which is of course, Nick Jonas. p.s. I love you Nick! This was some great undercover work into the belly of the beast. We are so friggin doomed.

    Or enlightened, time will tell . . .

  12. okay, okay, i see the brilliance now.

    part one left me a little mystified, but I can see what a true genius you are now. carry on, my friend, carry on.

  13. Maybe Constable Schooled can speak to his colleagues about setting up some kind spelling initiative for these young ones. If you call it something catchy like ‘Get Schooled with Constable Schooled ‘s Word Power Hour’ (that’s ‘wrd pwr 1hr’ in jonas Bro speak) then its likely to be just as popular as the ‘Cops are Tops’ campaign….

  14. I just want you to know that whatever happens… you are like, my heroin. You block out everything else. This is some of the funniest shit I’ve read since Woody Allen wrote a play about God in Without Feathers.

    My only fear is that you are in too deep. I’m afraid that you are, as Pac would have said, “all fucked up in the game.” What if you go all Joe Pistone and forget which side you’re on? Next thing you know you’ll be shilling pirated copies of (insert Jonas Brothers song title here) and off brand purity rings to unsuspecting tourists in Vancouver.

    Just be careful. Pray to your God. Watch a popular American TV show where the uptight characters speak in highbrow English. Grab a copy of The New Yorker and a cuppa good Canadian cappuccino. Whatever you do, stay the hell off the internets for a few days. Till you can get your head on right.

    • At first I thought you wrote “heroine”, and I thought you could see me through the computer. (Sometimes I like to wear my She-Ra costume while I blog. It inspires me.)

      Don’t worry, Scott, I always know which side I’m on. While I did do some experimenting in College (it’s a bar downtown), I’ve never really connected with my “inner Martina Navratilova”. I could be wrong, but think it has something to do with my poor eye-hand coordination.

      Er, what were we talking about, again?

  15. Yeah, Pat? I’d like to buy a vowel. No, not just one. All of them. Multiples if possible.

    Thanks heaven you’re out there braving this onslaught of truncated English, bschooled. In the short amount of time that I subjected myself to this, I actually felt some of my brain cells beating the shit out of some of my other brain cells in a desperate attempt to save them from themselves.

    Now my eyes hurt and I’m trying to quell a blood uprising located deep within my mind. My psyche still feels intact, at least until the text messages start rolling in from my oldest. Then it starts all over again, like a curiously bloodless coup that still results in bodies being stacked like cordwood all over my grey matter.

    Metaphorically speaking.

    • Those weren’t your brain cells, CLT. Those were Jns fns mssn wth yr brn n mkn it rlly cnfsd cuz thy nly rt thngs lk hey whts up?

      *thinkin*

      ps. Whos Metaphorically n y is he spkn on yur cmments?

      *cnfsed*

  16. Oh B. If you weren’t so damn Canadian, and Bob Trusty wasn’t so in love with you, id ask you to marry me strictly for the visa.

    its a match made in comedy heaven. You’re so dreamy!

    -Rick

  17. Don’t google image “Jonas Crack” without safesearch on.

  18. They should create a Jonas app that blocks them from the internet like Bieber. I have my “Block the Bieber” app on all of my computers. Friggin tool :)

  19. Maybe if you sold them (The Jonas Bros) some Prosthetic Arms they wouldn’t have to get married, their fans would be wet with relief, and you could make a bunch of money. I’m getting wet just thinking about it.

  20. booooy do i ever hate the Jonaseses.

    If we’re just criticizing one do we call them Jonasi?

    ugh, whatever. i often wonder if you need different ears to appreciate them. i mean, somewhere, somebody had to think they sounded good at one point, right?

    me = confused

    • Good question, Blunt.

      You’ll be happy to know that last night my friend made me watch an episode of 90210 (she wanted me to see the 35 year old actor who plays a high-school student), and I referred to the Jonas brother who was guest starring as a “Jonasi”.

      I think it’s only a matter of time before it’s added to the Merriam-Webster.

  21. I’ve wanted to Jonas for years. It’s exciting to know that I may finally have an opportunity to live that dream.

    I’m really upset that they aren’t allowed to declare themselves though. That must be hard for them. They could always hire someone to follow them around and do it for them. It would be sort of like how they have a whole band to play all of the instruments with them.

Trackbacks

  1. […] two previous sting operations (see here and here), I think these Jonaikas* are finally starting to see the light. Still, to drive the point home, I […]

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