Billboard’s Not-So Greatest Hits

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“Music To Massage Your Mate By” -Burt Reynolds

Track Listing

“Bow Chicka Bow Bow”

“Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka”

“Who’s Your Daddy?”

.“Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka” (extended version)

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ajaye-710407 “Don’t Smoke Dope, Fry Your Hair!” -Franklyn Ajaye

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Track Listing

“Look! I’m a Monster!”

“Cuz I Got Claw Hands”

“Like A Monster”

“Wokka Wokka Wokka”

“LOL!”

“”Monsters Are Some Weird Shit, Man”

“They’re Like, So Deep”

“I Should Know Cuz I’m a Monster”

“Cuz I Got Claw Hands”

“Oh Wait…Did I Already Sing That?”

“So, You Got Anything To Eat Here?”

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“All My Friends Are Dead”- Freddie Gage

 

Track Listing

“Bill Is Dead”

“Larry Is Dead”

“Wayne…Dead As A Doornail”

“Phyllis is Alive!…Just Kidding, She’s Dead”

“Hal Was Alive, But That Was Before He Was Dead”

“I Can’t Remember That Guy’s Name, But Boy, Was He Funny! And Now He’s Dead”

“I Thought That Juan Might Still Be Around, But His Wife Just Told Me He’s Dead”

“Ok, Technically Doris Isn’t Dead, But She’s Kind Of A Bitch”

“I Guess It’s Not That Big A Deal, I Just Have A Hard Time Meeting People”

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 “I Like God’s Style” -Isabel Baker

 

Track Listing

“Check Out His Groovy Sandals”

“Can The Almighty Rock a Tunic Or What?”

“Normally I’m Not A Big Fan Of Facial Hair, But On God, It Works!”

“I’d Kill For A Cloak Like That”

“No Wonder He Had So Many Disciples”

“He’s Super Easy-Going…And Really Personable, Too”

“I Like The Way He Thinks”

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mica

“Whatever This Album Is Called”- Mica

 

 Track Listing

“Sometimes I Get Lonely”

“My Wandering Hand”

“Is It Just Me Or Is It Getting Hot In Here?”

“If Doing This On My Album Cover Is Wrong, Then I Don’t Wanna Be Right!”

 “I Think It’s Time For Bed”

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Comments

  1. This is a truly scary record collection. I think if Mika plays her cards right she might have a chance with massage boy! I am sure he wouldn’t mind squeezing her…ah never mind!

  2. Excellent work, bschooled. Capital Radio’s record collection can now be restored to its rightful owner: Mr. and Mrs. Van Buren of Key West, Florida.

    In fact, that Mrs. Van Buren operating the “manual override” on her yearly mammogram. I believe her Dr/photographer’s instructions were, “Please to look like sexy with the bosom. No, like a groping stranger on the bus. Or bus stop. Perhaps if you are sitting on your hand for awhile it will be different. It will be more like stranger on bus. In former Soviet Bloc states, breast fondles you! Hahahahaha!!!” (sound of loud, unfiltered coughing which lasts for 6-8 hours.)

    Following Freddie’s tragedy with Isabel’s mockery of his pain is sheer brillance. That’s right, Freddie. God tore you a new one. How’s the life of the loneliest guy to ever wear white shoes to several funerals after Labor Day? I can’t hear you over the shoes. Or the non-stop sobbing.

    Thanks for the brilliant collection, bschooled. It made me L my A off.

    • “In former Soviet Bloc states, breast fondles you! Hahahahaha!!”

      This is my new mantra, CLT. And it couldn’t have come at a better time. An Engineer from Bulgaria just started at my Company, and I was trying to think of the perfect and most hilarity-ensuing way to break the ice.

      I mean, let’s face it…those foreign-speaking, A-type personalities are known for being the “funny of the funny”, and sometimes it’s hard to compete.

      Good call on Freddie’s questionable footwear. Thanks to you, I now have a sneaking suspicion that Freddie’s friends aren’t actually dead. Nor were they ever really “friends”, so to speak.

      CLT, not only did your comment make me “L my A off” (as a vernacular genius once said-quite recently, in fact), you’ve given me something to ponder today while I waste my life away, shuffling papers and pretending to “look busy”.

      And for that, I thank you.

  3. lol! I’d totally forgotten about Freddie Gage’s fantastic album. It’s my go to when I’m feeling blue or depressed (it’s been a while thankfully). He always reminds me that no matter how sad I am, at least most of MY friends are alive.

    Poor Mica. She never had much of a career after she made that first solo album…of course, if she’d stop playing by herself, she might have had a lot more success.

    Thanks for the ride down memory lane, b!

    • Anytime, Talon.

      And I’m glad to hear that you haven’t pulled out Freddie’s album for a while. I mean, not only is the accompanying background music a bit of a downer, there’s only so many times you can hear a guy say “I just have a hard time meeting people”, before you start wondering if perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he’s always looking at the glass as being “half-empty”.

      Mica is definitely quite the character. Sure, she may look like a conservative, non-descript Calculus teacher on the outside, but get a few bottles of vino in her, and suddenly she becomes the life of the “guestless party”.

      Always good to see you, T.:)

  4. All killer funny, you’re totally legit.

    Additional track on “Music To Massage Your Mate By”

    “Ah, ah, ah, don’t touch it.” (Damp washrag version w/ DJ Sticky Richard)

  5. I bet Milica’s a fun babe to have at a party

  6. Okay, I have more.

    Additional tracks on “All my Friends are Dead.”

    “Want to be my Friend”

    “I Hate when Holocausts Happen”

    “Dude, where’s my friends”

    “The HappyHappy Fun Song”

    and

    Additional track on “Whatever This Album Is Called”

    “Just Making Pervo” (extended club mix w/ DJ Clean Richard)

  7. Last one. Sorry.

    Additional track on ”Don’t Smoke Dope, Fry Your Hair!”

    “So you’re sayin’, wait, what are you sayin'”

    • FYI, you owe my company a new computer screen again. (Perhaps I should stop consuming liquid beverages while blogging)

      I have to say that these tracks are better than the ones on the actual albums.

      In fact, “I Hate when Holocausts Happen” and “So you’re sayin’, wait, what are you sayin’”, may just be front runners as my (very distant) future wedding song.

      Brilliance personified, FJ. .

      ps.I love the new look.

  8. Hello, I am Amanda, and I live in Brazil, I am studing English, and your blog help me a lot….
    I lovely this language…
    Kisses,

    Amanda

  9. My deep abiding love for all things Burt has diminished.. the sight of him in that shirt is too devastating. Oh my…
    All these lovely people. I will be buying a new record player soon and will then contact you to place my order. You are selling these right?

  10. In highly anticipated ‘where are they now?’ news….

    1)-After a little bribery, our team was able to discover that the mustachioed hunk on the album cover was not Burt but was his little, half-wit, twin brother Kip, who was affectionately dubbed ‘The Afterbirth’ by the Reynolds clan. After releasing his massage compilation album, it was a steep downhill spiral for young Kip. He had such high hopes for the project stating, “It’ll get me laid for sure. And I’ll make enough to buy some factory made shorts!” But it was not to be. Kip quickly became addicted to Quaaludes and cat burglary, which as it turned out didn’t really go together so well. After the third time that police found Kip asleep in a stranger’s high-rise apartment they put him away for life. He is now affectionately dubbed ‘My Little White Bitch’ by his cellmate in San Quentin penitentiary.

    2)-It turns out that Mr. Ajaye did in fact smoke dope, and lots of it. After he was apprehended at a Greyhound bus depot with 44 Kilo’s of marijuana, he was sentenced to 5 years in state prison. Because he kept scaring the other inmates by pretending to be the boogieman he was reclassified and sent to San Quentin. In his last interview he was happy to report that, “The warden must really dig my hair and my tunes, because he gave me my very own Little White Bitch!

    3)-Freddie Gage is living in Las Vegas off of his multiple inheritances. We are also able to confirm that Doris is now also dead, and ‘Fast Freddie’ now wears Crocs in a variety of colors.

    4)-After Isabel Baker’s short lived music career she went on to have an affair with her second cousin, Jim Baker. After the relationship was discovered by Tammy Faye, poor Isabel was forced to end the Jesus triangle and leave town. She is now working as a ‘donations representative’ for the 700 club. Rumors of an affair with Pat Robertson could not be confirmed, but we have our suspicions.

    5)-The true success story of this week’s installment of WATN is Mica. Although she didn’t have an overly successful solo career, she did go on to choreography and ‘hand placement’ consultant work with such industry heavyweights as Blondie with ‘I Touch Myself,’ Elvis Costello with ‘Pump it Up,’ Cyndi Lauper with ‘She Bop,’ and finally Whitney Houston with ‘The Greatest Love of All.’ Mica is now happily retired and living in an elderly swingers community in Palm Beach. However, she still claims to prefer spending quiet evenings at home with a bottle of red, and a bubble bath.

    • Scott, I have to say that this was truly a “fall out of my chair”-worthy comment. And since my boss recently had my chair fitted with a “body-hugging safety harness”, that’s saying a lot.

      1) It’s a good thing that Kip’s parents weren’t into Placentophagy, or he would’ve ended up on the dinner plate instead of the penitentiary.

      2) “Turns out that Mr. Ajaye did in fact smoke dope, and lots of it…” this is one of the reasons I look up to you, Scott. You always have a way of cutting through the “BS,” and uncovering the hard nosed (albeit deviated septum) facts.

      3) “Crocs…Helping Those With Clubbed-Feet Fit-In Since 1996…”

      4) Haha! Oh, those Fundies do the darndest things….

      5) I guess you can’t really blame her…I mean if I had hands like that, I’d have been placing those precious paws all over Elvis Costello myself. Not to mention the fact that I’d be the greatest jazz dancer ever!

      Thank-you for the comedy-relief, Scott. I shall now remove my safety-harness in order to “utilize the facilities”.

  11. That first album must be the one Chevy Chase as Ty Webb was playing while massaging Cindy Morgan as Lacey Underall in “Caddyshack” …

    • Haha!

      Although I don’t remember if I actually saw that movie, as a child I did have a crush on Chevy Chase (it was one of those creepy “I want to marry someone like my Dad”-type things) so I watched almost every other movie he was in.

      That was just the way he rolled…

      Thanks for visiting, Dennis,
      Bschooled:)

  12. Many thanks for the excellent assortment of record albums, Bschooled.

    While I’m not familiar with most of these musical acts, I have listened extensively to “All my Friends are Dead.” In fact, back in the late 60’s, Mr. Gage was quite popular among the more discerning and serious-minded music lovers.

    I was listener myself but backed away from attending his concerts when some of his fans began to become somewhat rabid in their enthusiasm.

    He toured a great deal and had a loyal following that known as “All my friends are Dead-heads.” They all sported white ties and belts and would travel from show to show in VW vans, sports campers and station wagons with wooden side panels. There were rumours of drug-taking, underwear-snapping and loose morals.

    Later, during a concert (I believe it was in Altamont?) he hired members of “Up with People” to conduct crowd control. Things went poorly and all 12 of the people in attendance passed.

    Still later, he released a follow up album, “All my Fans are Dead” but sadly, there was no one left to buy it.

    I may have confused a few facts here but, overall, I think it’s a fair representation of what transpired.

    Thanks very much for another excellent article, Bschooled.

    Your music loving friend,

    Don

    • Don!

      I swear, just when I think I have you pegged, you come up with some zany anecdote from your past, that throws me for yet another loop.

      It’s funny…my friends think it’s strange that my best friend is a man who is half-a century older than me and has a fondness for sculptures adorned in dried macaroni. But if they only knew about some of the wild and crazy things you’ve done in your life, I think they’d “get” why you and I became BFITBs (best friends in the blogosphere) in the first place.

      But enough about my friends.

      These fans of Freddie’s sound like they were quite the loyal roadies…the closest I ever came to being that fanatical was when I tried to throw my bra on stage during a Raffi concert. The funny thing about it was that I never even liked Raffi, I was just doing my Aunt a favor by taking my little cousin to see the show.

      Funny how copious amounts of kool-aid and a song about a bananaphone can really get your estrogen flowing.

      (Sorry, I guess that may have been overshare)

      Anyway, I’m sure that Freddie was Grateful for having the support of his fans. Even if they did all end up “being dead”.

      Your BFITB 4-eva,

      Bschooled

  13. Ah, Bschooled; another stroke of journalistic genius!

    So rumors were true about Sonny Bono being closely related to Burt “Trans I Am” Reynolds, and Ajaye does, in fact, have larger breasts than the adorable yet self-involved Madame Ostojic. And perhaps — just perhaps — the lovely Isabel “Page Boy” Baker sings a sad lament for our poor friend Freddie Gage, with a direct line to the Ah Mighty, but in the end, I still don’t really know where the hell I’m going with all this, so best to end it here.

    Or here. I forget.

    • Ha! Brilliant as always, Invasive1. No matter where you decide to end it, it’s still funny. In fact, you had me at Burt “Trans I Am” Reynolds.

      Now if you can just find a way to link the All Mighty back to Burt, you will have come full circle…

      thanks for the hilarity, Invasive1. Always good to see you.

  14. Music to Massage Your Mate by….there’s a single that came from this album called:

    “Get this creep off my back or else”

    • Hahaha! You’re right, YnB, I just checked the label and there is a song like that!

      I can’t believe I overlooked that track…especially considering the fact that just a few short weeks ago, I was in the exact same position as her myself. ;)

  15. Bschool

    Whoa Whoa

    Wheres the HOF’s greatest hits…I love the I AM STUD single (German version)…You are missing Robert Wagner’s Greatest Hits…the single The Ballad of the Swimming Natalie Wood..was a real hoot…I need crack out the victrola and play some of these oldies…zman sends

    • Hey Zman! You keep sneaking up on me with those different avatars of yours. You’re wily that way.

      Robert Wagner has a greatest hits album?? I can’t believe I didn’t know that…

      Thanks to you, I now have something to do at work tomorrow.

      Good to see you, Z…Bgirl sends

  16. they are all great, nice group of LPs. loved all my friends are dead…btw, nice kicks on freddie gage….he needs killin’ for wearing those…

  17. Damn fine album collection bschooled… I want to congratulate you on the influence that you’re having on the South Americans… Amanda’s digging the groovy sounds of Freddie Gage and the beautiful mouth breathing Isabel and others. The Ecuadorians are enjoying the Schytts…

    That Milica is one fine babe, by the way, how provocative of her to highlight those fine breasts with just a gentle squeeze… mmmhhh! I used to stare at that album cover in my prepubescent years… What a woman!!! That album cover should have a pg13 rating on it! Thanks for the conjuring up old memories!!!

    • Hey Ornery Frank,

      …Or should I call you “Hornery” Frank? (sorry…when I’m tired my humor reverts to that of a pre-pubescent boy).

      I’m always here to help out Latin America. In fact, it was my main goal when starting this blog. Unfortunately I got a little sidetracked for a while (cameltoe eradication and all), but thanks in no small part to your encouragement, I’m now back on track.:)

      Keep an eye out for the mail, I’m sending you a Mica “Limited Edition Album Cover” (NSFW).

      I figure it’s the least I could do.

      bschooled:)

      • Umm! I guess Hornery Frank is okay for a while, but only when I’m not sober… Speaking of horny or other things that stick out from people’s bodies… Still haven’t changed my mind about not not joining the anti-CamelToe club… I’m still hoping to find a Pro-CamelToe improvement and enhancement club. Haven’t found one yet…

        Eagerly awaiting the album cover and thanks for supporting my habit… forgetaboutit…

      • alright, 3inch Cameltoe size limit… but that’s it!

        • Frank,

          Your willingness to compromise ceases to amaze me. (But I’ll take what I can get.)

          I’m putting you in charge of the artwork for the brochures…I would do it, but unfortunately all of my cameltoes end up lookinig like curvy W’s.

  18. Actually my favorite Freddie Gage album, after “All my Friends are Dead” of course, is the smash follow-up album, “All my Acquaintances are Dead Too.”

    Freddie’s Facebook account is also a fuggin’ nightmare as well. He gets periodic messages from Facebook that say, “You are now friends with another dead guy.”

    The word on the street is that Freddies next album is tentatively named “Even the People I Hardly Know are all Dead.”

    • HAHA!

      The worst part is that those Facebook friends of his would still be alive today had they not clicked on the “friend add”.

      I hear that his next “next” album is going to be called “Turns Out I’m Extremely Radioactive”…

      Can’t wait!

  19. I can’t stop laughing and I don’t know which album is my favorite. They’re all hysterical in their own right. Thanks for the chuckles! :)

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