Cousin Todd’s Bookmobile

"Hi, I'm Todd. And this is my bookmobile."

Recently, my cousin Todd (through marriage) decided to quit his non-existent job and take over Auntie D’s Bookmobile.

While normally I’m not a big fan of guys named Todd (click here for a refresher), seeing as he’s family (through marriage), I decided to look past his name and showcase some of his favorite reads.

Here are just a few of the novel novels you’ll find in Whatshisname’s Bookmobile.

.

.

.

Based on ten years of extensive research, “A Lifestyle Study of Bologna Users” is just that.

A lifestyle study of people who use bologna.

According to their results, bologna users are heterogeneous groups comprised of  the following:

-Soccer moms
-Lazy parents
-Gross people
-Old men
-Hermaphrodites
-Subservient women
These guys
-Librarians
-Engineers
-People with animal organ/sexual glands/other random parts fetishes
-Two And a Half Men fans
-Todds
-Maybe Scientologists
-Probably not the chick who was in Clueless
-Who cares
-This is stupid
-Oscar Meyer aficionados

So if you’re interested in cold cut-based scientific research and/or have no life, I strongly suggest you buy this book.

.

.

..

J.X. Williams, Bestselling Author of “Oh, Honey! It’s Only Adultery”, and “Oh, Reverend! It’s Only Murder”, has done it again with his latest page-turner, ‘Oh, Daddy! It’s Only Incest’.

Since I haven’t read it myself, here is the summary as written on the back cover –

“Take one uptight Father, add one dangerously seductive daughter—and indulge in the sensual results! When Neil’s daughter Katey starts shamelessly flirting with him he’s intrigued–but too morally-inclined to do anything. But when Katey invites him to her bedroom for an after-casserole- dinner night cap,  he finally gives in to her sensual attack. Neil’s about to find out that mixing family and pleasure can be complicated. Especially when Mom walks in…”
.

.


.

.

Er, I didn’t actually read this book.

But I’m guessing it has something to do with teaching your pets to wait their turn.

.

.

/

....

I didn’t read this one, either.

Mostly because I’m not a big colorer.

..


.

Part one of a 645-part series, “How Children Fail” is an excellent resource for every parent.

Whether it’s wetting the bed, telling really bad jokes, being dense, being chubby, having red hair, annoying their parents’ friends, asking their parents’ friends stupid questions that don’t even matter, or bugging their parents’ friends at a house party that was supposed to be for adults only, this book explains why you should have taken your Dad up on his offer to get you a tubal litigation for your eighteenth birthday.

..

.

.

 

.

The latest in the Harlequin Asia series, this erotic novel tells the story of two struggling artists who discover that their piece de resistance lies within their own hearts. The following excerpt can be found in chapter three:

Heaven, he think. I talk about what to men with black eyes? As he melt inside, his clothes beat fast, much too tight.

“Your pants are no longer?” he should ask, instead a passionate kiss seduce the mouth. Unexpected joy in the loin, his manhood swelled to a range of Kina Hiroshi leopard. His pulse now speed up. If he could outrun a swarm of hungry Samurai? Only no.

“On the bear epidermis rug , take me,” he breathed, his groin adrift. The wet his panties and nostrils fill animalism,  manishly he submit his elephant penis size. Then, not expected, the smell of musk a roaring …

.

*Thank-you for taking the time to peruse my Cousin Todd’s compelling classics. If you’re interested in purchasing any of these treasures, just send me a message and I’ll let Todd know.

.

Advertisements

Comments

  1. Oscar Meyer? These books sound as if they were written by Russ Meyer for his own private use.

  2. I’m going to have to check out some of those books. I am sure that the revised version of “A Lifestyle Study of Bologna Users” will include presidential candidates as I love bologna sandwiches. (I am sure Mike Huckabee does too,) I heard the only reason why Tee Corrine illustrates coloring books is because she is too cheap to get the colors to color the drawings herself. Hopefully the “How Children Fail” series will include something on not going into daddy’s bedroom when he has company over.

  3. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I had a perfectly legible comment, B, but wondered how it would come out if I ‘reverse Bablefished’ it in Japanese. I much prefer this rendition (referring to the Harlequin Asian series):

    I (still) heterosexuality woman’ Because so it is the gay man who is caught; s body and I’ M where it is agreeable with the Asian human series of the buffoonery teacher. It was finished with respect to the thing to which I a little after googling derail ché of the tacos, use the Delete key of Ctrl and Alt could.

    Translation: I’m still gay for men.

    • What a coincidence! I had a perfectly legible reply, but then I wondered how it would come out if I just took your comment and ‘reverse Google translated’ it in Japanese:

      Asian Series is comfortable with it clown teacher, M, I (still) is that gay men are caught because of my body and heterosexual women. This will be the end for what I was, Ctrl and Alt keys can use the Delete key, then a little to derail Google Choi tacos.

      Translation: Me too!

      ps. I wonder if you reverse translate it enough times, does it eventually become coherent?

  4. How truly bizarre. I caved to stupidity (or fillings leaking mercury into my system) and bought a pound of deli bologna two weeks ago, then went through the entire thing in about two days, and now can’t even read the word without upchucking . . .

    Damn! Excuse me for a minute (sound of running feet).

    Well, B, this was an outstanding yet disturbing post, but man are you in the zone. I have no idea what zone but I promise you this; people are laughing in it. LAUGHING LIKE HELL! Woops . . . my eyes wondered up a couple of lines (sound of running feet).

    So the Iron Chef is gay. Not that there’s any problem with that, but his karate moves always look like Dallas cheerleaders having muscle spasms.

    Why is a small mammal chewing that kid’s penis?

    That zone is special, and full of laughter . . .

    • Invasive1! It’s great to see you. And I see that you’re as astute as ever. I was trying to figure out who the Asian in the neck scarf reminded me of…if only I’d known you were around.

      While your question re: the small mammal is valid, I think we first need to ask ourselves why the kid has his pants down in the first place. And who thought it would be a good idea to put this eye poking-out tour de force on the front of a children’s book.

      Once we have these answers, I’m sure it will all make sense. (fingers crossed!)

      It’s always wonderful to see you, Invasive1.

  5. I don’t know if that book teaches children about the importance of waiting their turn, but it sure works on the animals!

    Todd is living up to his name(sake), b!

  6. Hmmmm I don’t know what they teach down there in Virgina but it’s a tad different that the curriculum here. I figured that anyone that would eat a meat named “Bung” just couldn’t be right in the head.

    That book mobile must have come right out of one of Walt Disney’s wet dreams. Full of incest and man on man action. If you stare at the colouring book long enough I swear that you can see Tinkerbell fly out of that mangy cavern.

    Just like one of those 3-D posters. Weird!

  7. Heh, when I was a teenager I found a 1970s porn paperback looking through some old books in a resale shop. It was called “Mother’s Joy” and it was about this dude banging his mom for almost 200 pages. And at the beginning it was like “The author writes this to call attention to a growing problem these days.” I don’t have it anymore, I threw it in with some paperbacks one time and some old perv bought it at a flea market…Boy, that was one pervy old dude. One time he was looking at a freebie magazine that had women in their bathing attire, and I’m like, “Ugh, are you 17?”He appeared to be in his 50s. Glad we didn’t meet in a dark alley.
    Ah memories! Like the corners of my mind I guess.
    That was freaking hilarious! I’m especially interested in the Japanese Harlequin, though.

  8. I’m a little disturbed at his manhood swelling to the range of the kina hiroshi leopard. If it’s anything like a leopard penis then it’s going to be pretty disappointing

  9. Heaven, he think. I talk about what to men with black eyes? As he melt inside, his clothes beat fast, much too tight.

    “Your pants are no longer?” he should ask, instead a passionate kiss seduce the mouth. Unexpected joy in the loin, his manhood swelled to a range of Kina Hiroshi leopard. His pulse now speed up. If he could outrun a swarm of hungry Samurai? Only no.

    “On the bear epidermis rug , take me,” he breathed, his groin adrift. The wet his panties and nostrils fill animalism, manishly he submit his elephant penis size. Then, not expected, the smell of musk a roaring …

    My Translation

    This is heaven, he thought. How can one only talk to a man with such black eyes?

    Desire searing throughout his being, he felt his engorged sex throbbing in his pants, trying to escape the prison of his clothes.

    “You took off your pants?” he should have asked, but before he could say a word, his lips were captured in a passionate kiss. He was now under seduction’s desperate spell. As unexpected excitement pulsated through him, his huge shaft grew to the length of a Hiroshi Kira leopard. His pulse now sped up as though he were trying to outrun an ambush of passion-starved Samurai. But he wasn’t running from the advances of his lover; no, he urgently wanted the passion between them.

    “Take me on the bearskin rug,” he breathed. It was as though they now became animals as he freed himself from his sweat saturated underwear. He pushed his elephant-size lust into him with manly intent, surprised as a strong musk assailed his nostrils.
    And they all lived happily ever after.

    • Haha! BRAVO!

      *standing ovation*

      You had me at “engorged sex throbbing in his pants”. But that probably goes without saying.

      There has to be a market for this genre of writing, wouldn’t you think? If not, we should invent one. We can call it “Re-Translated Erotic Fiction”.

  10. I already have that Harlequin Asia book in my collection. My favourite part is towards the end: “I much desirous am of you will to be quitting”.

  11. Ooooooooooooooooooookay.

    I come back to visit after a long hiatus and what do I see? Some incredibly badly written books.

    Bravissimo!!!

    These will make an excellent addition to my collection of books at work. Imagine the reponse I would get when my co-workers peruse the titles of these masterpieces.

    Yes indeedie doodie….

    • G! I’m glad you came by! And even more glad that you want to share these word-laden gems with your co-workers. I guarantee* that your office cred is going to skyrocket!

      (*offer void if you don’t work in the porn industry)

      Always great to see you, G.:)

  12. Didn’t Soon-Yi write the foreword to ‘Oh, Daddy! It’s Only Incest’?

  13. I used to not worry about all the entrails and feces that were packed into Bologna but now that I see that Union Carbide sponsored that study, I am really wondering what chemicals are there.

  14. It’s Only Incest sounds a “Lot” like something I read in the Old Testament once.

    Being a Christian, this part of the Bible is difficult to explain.

  15. I only like German Bologna. Draw you own conclusions.

    You’ve made me laugh yet again, B. My chain wallet and I thank you.

    • Sounds good, I’ll send you the drawing when I’m finished. (I just need to add the strategically placed cheese slice…)

      ps. My rabbit foot laden black leather purse and I are blushing.

  16. Bschooled after reading about half way through this post. A bolt of lightning hit my friends computer and burned out his eyes and tongue. Being the kind of friend I am I threw myself behind him so I could tell everyone how he saved me. His we-gee board kept spinning around spelling out buy buy buy buy buy. With the money we are hoping to get from the lawsuit over his eyes I thing we will hire someone to read them to us over the phone from across town. Thanks for all the great tips and I hope Todd’s get everything coming to him. By the way if you don’t mind could you tell him I sell fire proof suites.

  17. The reason I didn’t take my father’s offer of tubal ‘litigation’ was because at the time I didn’t know what he meant. Was I preemptively able to sue my own fallopian tubes for the inferior offspring they would undoubtedly produce? If so, what (if any) were their assets?
    These legal issues are way to complicated for an 18 year old to comprehend.

    • Ha! Good point, Jen. I was legally emancipated from my father and my tubes when I was fourteen (I cited irreconcilable differences for both), so I never had to worry about that.

      Last I heard, they bought a place in Puerto Vallarta and were making big $$$ selling time shares.

  18. ‘Its only incest’ is wrong on so many levels! I’ll take a copy for Father Day, thanks

  19. Allow me to set the scene. I’m at my desk which is a cheap laminate kitchen table from the 70’s filled with two computers. It’s just past 10 am so I’ve already had two cups of coffee and have moved on to a hard boiled egg with some cereal. This is usually the time I choose to read my favorite bloggers so I can let their posts marinate in my brain while I eat.

    I was reading along nicely, storing up witty anecdotes to your creative and hilarious prose as well as the comedic material of the books themselves when I came upon (not literally) the Cunt Coloring Book.

    At this point I literally, yes literally, spit milk, and half masticated egg white onto my keyboard and screen. Only a little but it is milk and that’s not good. I spent the next 45 minutes methodically taking keys off and cleaning this laptop.

    From now on I’m only reading you while I eat dry foods.

    Oh, and you are fucking awesome!

    • elizabeth3hersh says:

      Scott, I had the same reaction after seeing pics of some dude masticate on Ke$ha earlier today. I probably shouldn’t send you the link so I won’t (…but it’s out there). Some one should make a grill for our grills…you know, like those plastic mold-y things they use at the dentist to set you up for orthodontic retainers. B is funny as hell.

    • Allow me to set the scene. I’m at my desk which is a cheap plastic TV tray I keep on my lap. It’s almost 2 am so I’ve already had twelve cups of coffee and my daily calorie allotment in condiments and Lysol fumes. This is usually the time when I’m passed out on my bathroom floor, but for some reason the Lysol fumes didn’t take.

      I logged in, deciding to amuse myself with your always creative and hilarious responses to the comments I leave on your creative and hilarious posts, when I came upon (not literally) “And anal”.

      At this point I literally, yes literally, spit half digested ketchup onto my keyboard and screen. Only a little but it is ketchup and that’s not good. Still, I’m not going to do anything about it because I’m too lazy and I think the Lysol fumes are finally starting to kick in.

      PS. No, you are!

  20. Please, please tell Cousin Todd to stop in my neighborhood. I am just learning to read and write real gooder so I would like to read these books. They might learn me more words betterer.

    • I’m sorry, Elizabeth, but I like you way too much to expose you to something like Todd.

      Just tell me what kind of books you’re into (lifestyles of corned beef hash users? Russian Erotica?) and Ill take care of it for you.

      *make sure you sterilize the books before reading

  21. nothing like homoerotic asian literature to get the juices flowing. Afterall, central asian countries just LOVE their gay people loud and proud. I even hear that they have a special place where they like to keep them contained. I think its called “Jail” or “nightclubs” or something.

    Beats me!

    I miss Aunt D. Her wacky take on why the universe was so cruel to her before loaning books was such a staple. Plus, no one likes a Todd.

    -Rick

    • Jail, nightclubs…it’s all the same the next morning when you wake up beside some Whoopi Goldberg/Steve Buscemi hybrid whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

      Ahhh, vodka. How can something that’s so right make you do things that are just so wrong?

  22. Tee Corine’s Cunt Coloring Book has apparently been in print since 1975, according to our friend Wikipedia, who only states the facts and never judges. But there’s no information as to what size that printing run is. 100/yr.? 10,000/yr.? One printed per year by her surviving relatives just to keep the streak alive like some sort of anatomically correct Brett Favre, chasing the record books past the point of irrelevance?

    While I am all for everyone expressing their sexuality in whatever form moves them, whether it’s sculpture or song or unpopular coloring book or garish flashmob, I am somewhat surprised that Todd would have come across this book (possibly repeatedly) in his normal trawls for bolognafests and hot man-on-man/dad-on-daughter action.

    It’s not as if the pictures of the “cunts” themselves are in any way arousing, what with their lack of color and clinical detail. Unless medical textbooks printed pre-WWII is your sort of “manual override” material, you’d do better just grabbing any page from a 1975 Montgomery Ward’s catalog (“This Year We’re Relevant”) and “busting a move” in your favorite secluded location. (Montgomery Ward’s parking lot, 1989-present.)

    But be careful, around page 20, Corinne’s biases begin to show thru and we switch from actual genitalia to portraits of people she just flatout disliked. While I can understand her “beef” with various former friends and disavowed family members, it seems a bit much to call out Myrna Neiman, then 18, who curtly refused to break a $100 for her at the local supermarket. For the love of Anubis, Tee! She was just following policy!

    • While I agree that Corrine is showing her true colors (a pinkish hue) I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. If Todd had any standards whatsoever, he wouldn’t have had to sell the coloring book for half-price because pages 13 through 37 are stuck together.

      Regardless, I can always count on your due diligence, CLT. Speaking of which, do you know the answer to this?- http://www.healthcaremagic.com/community/Sexual-Problems/vaginas/34415

      Nobody has gotten back to me yet and it’s keeping me up at night.

  23. Robert X. Jones says:

    Todd has certainly come out swinging. Could a bologna-based cunt sculpture be in the offing in the near future??

    • HAHA! It’s like you can read my mind.

      The “Luncheon Meat Labia Sculpture Gallery” won’t be making it’s debut until early Feb., but if you’re a true lover of cold cuts, you might enjoy my next post.

  24. Fucking casseroles…makes one want to get vertical with their own blood.

  25. Holy crap this is good. All of it. But the engrish smut was the best.

  26. I hear “A Life Story of Bologna Users 1980” is a let-down. The series doesn’t really pick up until the early 1990s.

  27. Oooo! I had a few last tough-to-shop-for people left on my Xmas list! Thanks, B!

    Does your Cousin take online orders?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s