Reader’s Digest-Rejected Humor Submissions

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Deciding we wanted to try something different, my wife and I signed up for yoga sessions.  One day after class I was waiting for her outside the change room when a lady from the class approached me.

“I’m embarrassed to admit this,” she said, “But I can never remember your wife’s name.”

I couldn’t resist. “If anything, my my wife is the one who should be embarrassed. She thinks your name is  ‘The Heifer In The Front Row!'”

– Ken D. (Submitted Aug. 2004)

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Recently, my wife was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. To make her life easier in the kitchen, I went out and bought her the KitchenAid Classic Mixer.

“I love it!” she cried. “It mixes, beats, blends, kneads… it practically does the work for me!”

I had to laugh. “Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t give blow jobs. Because then what would I need you for?”

-Joe P. (Submitted Jun 2007)

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Recently, while at the grocery store, I ran into an ex-girlfriend of mine, who also happens to be a total slut.

“Hey Frank,” the total slut said. “How’s it going?”

“Fine,” I said to the total slut.

“I haven’t seen you around lately, where have you been?” the total slut asked.

Needless to say, I couldn’t resist. “Not with total sluts, that’s for sure!”

-Guy whose ex is a total slut (Submitted Jun. 2001)

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Recently, my girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was “too well-endowed” for her liking.

I mean, seriously…how crazy is that?

*This isn’t so much a joke as an FYI for all you single ladies out there.

-Bob K. Cell #337-6377 (Submitted Aug. 2004)

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My daughter feeds her family healthy foods, but at my house I always have little treats for the young ones. One day, my four year-old granddaughter came over for a visit.

She ran through the door, saying excitedly, “Guess what Grandma! Mom says I get to eat garbage when I come to your house!”

Never one to miss out on a good joke, I walked over to the sink. “Well then, today’s you’re lucky day,” I said, pulling out the wastebasket, “I just filled it this morning!”

-Delores T. (Submitted Jan. 2007)

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One afternoon, shortly after being laid off from my courier job, I was at home reading the want ads when a delivery man came to the door. As I signed for the package,  I couldn’t help but notice his drab brown uniform.

“Well, aren’t you just the shit!” I said, currently-unemployed-tongue-in-cheek.

-Mark L. (Submitted Mar. 2005)

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Comments

  1. I’ve always wondered what Readers Digest? Surely that would be confined to stuff they’ve eaten? Digestable stuff, obviously. Otherwise it would be called Readers Defecation, wouldn’t it?

    • Ha! I honestly can’t believe I never thought about that. (Not to brag or anything, but I’ve been known to think about stuff like that all the time.)

      Then again, maybe it’s because I spent the first 10 (or so) years of my life thinking it was pronounced Reader’s “Digg”est.

      Maybe the defecation part is implied in that most people keep them in the bathroom?

  2. If one woman says “I’d rather be a heifer than a slut” and the other woman replies “I’d rather be a slut than a heifer”, should they agree to disagree or have a cat fight?

  3. Ha ha the mixer giving BJ….Maybe I should get one for my boyfriend…although I really don’t mind giving them..

  4. While standing in line at dollar general, a lady asked another lady how her kids were doing. The other lady said, “fuck you.” To which the other lady said, “I don’t think so.”

  5. Those jokes were funny! Reader’s Digest wouldn’t know a good joke if it walked up to them and said, “Hi! I’m a good joke!”.

  6. Bob K. is stupid. It’s bad enough he stole my line, but the least he could have done was use his phone number instead of mine.

  7. I’m kinda sad about not getting my unicorn but am so glad you’re back in Blogville! These are the shiznit! I heart total slut guy.

  8. Haha, that condition that Bob K has is typical for people named Bob…for realz. Funny shit B. ;-)

  9. What the hell kind of vacation are you on? I expected nothing but some crickets and tumbleweeds in here. Instead I get brand new, rudely humorous content. This throws my whole gameplan off. (Sit. Do nothing. Repeat as necessary.)

    Well, if you’re going to be all kinds of productive instead of relaxing and hanging out with family or friends or shoeless Guatemalans, then I’m going to have to up the ante over at my blog. I’m not sure how much ante-ing up I can do without moving from my comfort zone, but I’ll think of something. Perhaps some sort of overly-long musical retrospective or something…

    Maybe I’ll check with those go-getting, short-wearing delivery drivers. After all, they’ve often asked “What can ‘the shit’ do for you?” It’s time someone finally answered that rhetorical question with ‘Give me some devastatingly funny material, you speedy bastard. I need it within 48 hours.”

    • Sorry . . . all roads to home are closed.

    • Technically I’m not on vacation yet. Well, unless you consider being confined to a room “Boxing Helena” style (only with limbs still attached) a vacation. To each his own, I guess…

      I like the sort of overly-long musical retrospective idea, CLT. Not only because I’m a huge fan of retrospective musicals, but also because I’m a huge fan of sticktoitiveness. Oh, and I’m also a huge fan of whatever music you’re a huge fan of.

      So yeah, I think it’s safe to say that I’m a huge fan (x3!) of this idea.

      Looking forward to numero uno on the list, CLT. (Remember to add extra slay, the last thing you need is someone telling you that the “slay” is lacking.)

  10. How do you deposit money into your Bank of America checking account?

  11. I can relate to all the jokes.
    I had one of those cows, foxy, Sluts tell me I could have all the sex with her I wanted as long as it was on Saturday between 8 am and 11 am. That was because her husband would be home then and he like to watch. I told her that was the most hirable thing I ever heard in my life because I had to work on Saturdays.

    • LOL
      Bschooler never saw you jump past so meny post before I hope they get your computer or internet fixed

    • This story sounds so familiar.

      Was the husband a short, well-endowed UPS worker by day/stripper by night? Because if so, I think your life story is now sitting on a shelf in the XXX video store down the street from my place.

      (Or, so I’ve been told.)

  12. How does one find these rejected submissions?

  13. Gosh, bschooled, you really have a knack for this sort of thing don’t you? I would like to read more of Cam T.’s rejected submissions, as he is clearly a very classy gentleman.

    I’ve always thought that there should be a “Reader’s Digest Condensed” version of the bible, how come there isn’t I wonder. Is this too blasphemous a question? Will I be going to hell now?

    • Thanks for acknowledging my extreme talent, David. (I would have done so myself, but I don’t like people to think I’m bragging.)

      You’re definitely not going to hell, David. Trust me, God only sends the humorless and socially-awkard people there.

      It’s basically just a huge pit of Reader’s Digest humor writers…

  14. I love the Reader’s DIgest-earnest style in which these are written. You are master satirista, Bea.

  15. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I dunno Bea, if I were the delivery man who was just called “the shit”, I may have thrust the electronic signing device at him and instructed him to “wipe here” (or something…but, most certainly with a straight face). Bea!! Happy Belated Merry Christmas and Happy Merry New Year!! And thank you for all the WONDERFUL entertainment!!!

    I leave you with a brief YouTube vid depicting The Human Condition in 2010:

    • HAHA! Seriously, that’s the best thing I’ve seen all year. (And I’m not just saying that because it’s only the second day in.)

      I hope you and your family had a fantastic holiday, Elizabeth! Your brilliant wit makes me laugh like no other, and I will always be grateful to TL, his blog being the reason I met (and then proceeded to internet stalk) you.

  16. These are some of my favorite posts B. I mean, I get everything I need here; all the witty banter I could ever need to amuse the local Spanish woman. It doesn’t matter how much sexual innuendo combined with effusive gesturing I use, they always just shake their finger and frown. It’s adorable. And they hardly mind when I talk about my total slut ex (who is totally Spanish) or the size of my own ‘little brown uniform,’ which is little and brown…. Ahh, I’m going to miss it here.

    I hope you have a fun night and I hope we both have the best New Year ever!! I think we are going to for serious too!

    • Thanks, Scott! Sorry for the delayed response, I’m staying at my mom’s and her internet is so bad I feel like I’m back in the 80’s. Then again, it might also have something to do with the fact that I’m wearing leg warmers and listening to Lionel Richie…

      Yes, 2011 is going to be the new 2010, only better. For serious!

      Tell your witty Spanish women I said “Hola” (but not “Holla,” as I learned from experience they don’t really like that.)

  17. Bschool

    Well behold my heart..i stopped by on readers digest day…always always one of my fav posts…love the top one the best……hope your christmas was joyous and may you have a safe and very happy new year..zman sends

    • Zman! Be still my heart, I’m so happy you stopped by! Thanks for the wishes, I hope you and P had a wonderful holiday as well.

      It’s great to see you again, Z. Oh, and I’m supposed to tell you that Auntie D sends her best.

  18. Ha ha, priceless
    Happy new year

  19. Hmm, the KitchenAid Classic Mixer you say???? I’m sure Jammers could make an additional attachment for me …bye-bye boyfriend :)

  20. These move Denny’s bowels.

    In a good way.

  21. I love these, and once again, Tori Spelling’s face gets me every time.

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